Underhated Puddle Of Satanic Tears

Rating: Null/10 (20 December 2015)

First of all, watch this review:
https://www.youtube.com/watchv=FxKtZmQgxrI&list=PLF34EBB1D6806425 1 .
It's one hour long, but if you have free time then I recommend you sit back and discover how insanely pathetic yet offensively horrendous Episode 1 is.
Now that's out of the way, I am not exaggerating in the SLIGHTEST when I say that this is the worst film I have ever seen. The only reason critics don't give this monstrosity a -4/10 on a regular basis is because it's STAR WARS. Every awful line, shot and plot point is overlooked because they're associated with a franchise that had some good films in it. If this came out into cinemas as a standalone film not connected to a franchise then we would all hate it like the jolly bowl of urine it is. But no.
The score isn't bad. In fact, one or two pieces of music in this film can be considered good. They're hummable, catchy and overall enjoyable. But OH MY GOD, what decency the soundtrack adds the rest of the film takes away.
Let's start with the actors. More specifically, the characters. More specifically than that, a case of "You Will Learn To Love Him". This is when a film, book or any other story-based medium tries desperately to force a character down your throat, whilst screaming "AREN'T THEY SO FUNNY AND SMART AND CLEVER AND AMAZING AND PERFECT?!?!". This is Anakin Skywalker.
I have nothing against Jake Lloyd. Actually, I do. The little git can't act for his life , bless him. His deadpan, emotionless voice makes Lucas' CRINGEWORTHILY CRINGEWORTHY dialogue even worse. "Are you an angel?" Anakin asks like the little bugger he is. I don't know, Jake - are you a demon? OK, maybe I'm being mean. After all, he is a child actor. But it's the way Lucas treats him like this super cool awesome funny amazeballs child that kills anything and everything. The best example of this is when Anakin climbs into a spaceship, finds a helmet (that perfectly fits his tiny child-sized head for some reason, despite this being a good opportunity for some slapstick OH NO WAIT THAT WOULD MEAN INSULTING THE SUPER AWESOME ANAKIN KID) and flies it. FLIES IT. When he screams "woohoo", fairies die.
What's worse - a stupid, annoying child actor or professionals with no emotion? I love Liam Neeson, but his performance adds NOTHING to this film. None of the actors have any expressions or interesting features, except..... *sigh* Jar Jar Binks. You know what? He isn't the worst thing about this film. At least he has a character. At least he isn't treated like the messiah. And he's not as stupid as the plot.
Ahh, the PLOT. I don't where to start - partly because it's so ridiculous, but also due to it being to unnecessarily complicated and BORING. The original films where simple: evil bad guy empire is evil, so good guy is good and learns to fight them. There's bits in between, and lore, but it's a simple story of someone training and learning to fight evil. Simple. What happens in Phantom Menace? Evil people want nice person to sign a peace treaty, so evil person... no... good people escort good person... I think... to place... but... I know they get stranded on a sandy planet and enter a pod race to win a new engine... but... I'm stumped.
I'M NOT SAYING THE PLOT SHOULD BE SIMPLE. All I'm saying is: who cares? When was the last time you were watching a Star Wars film and thought, "Hmm, I wonder what trade difficulties would be produced if there was an evil empire with some aliens?" I can't even make a proper joke there, because the plot is so ridiculous.
It's stupid. It's under-hated. It's overrated. It's the worst film I have seen with my eyeballs. And I've seen Jack & Jill.