Nothing could prepare me

Rating: Null/10 (25 November 2001)

I had heard that this movie was bad, but good grief...
Leaving expectations out of the equation, this is still a very bad film. No, it is not just an average or okay one as some have defensively insisted. THIS MOVIE UNDENIABLY SUCKS. I feel sorry for anyone who has so completely given up their souls to the fraud that is the Gospel According to George Lucas that they cannot see this execrable film for the festering heap of cliches, rote plotting and inane New Age-y mumbo jumbo that it is. I mean, how can someone defend the thinly veiled racial stereotypes (Jar Jar Binks Steppin Fetchit, for example)? the not-so-special effects (I'm sorry, but they are hardly convincing, even less so in the context of the extraordinarily substandard plotting)? And - God! - don't even get me started on the utterly wretched dialogue. Then there's Jake Lloyd, who may be one of the worst child actors in the history of cinema. What am I saying?! "May be"? No, he definitely is.
Look, I loved the "Star Wars" films when I was a kid, but you know what? I'm not a kid anymore, and the fact is that they don't hold up over time. Sure, it's nice to watch them and remember what it felt like when I first saw them; that's really about the only way that I can enjoy them anymore, through the filter of nostalgia. Because let's be honest: they really aren't very well-made films for the most part. (Alright, "Empire" is actually not that bad, no doubt due to the fact that someone besides Lucas was directing.) And what's especially depressing is the fact that Lucas was once a really terrific director. "American Graffiti" is one of my favorite films of all time and one that does hold up to the test of time; and "THX-1138" is a GOOD, well-made sci-fi film. I should probably add the adjective of "mature" to that list because I think that's what distinguishes Lucas' earlier films from the infantile devolution of the 'Star Wars' series.
I realize that this bitchy review isn't going to convince anyone that this movie is bad or good. 'Star Wars' fans are like evangelical Christians or fundamentalist Muslims: their belief is, essentially, religious and just as bigoted in its fervor and self-delusion as that of any abortion clinic bomber or Taliban fighter. There's just no reasoning with them, you know?