Star Bores : The Phantom Movie

Rating: 1/10 (22 May 1999)

Okay -- the effects were great and seamless, there was a cast of great actors, a great score, and an awesome marketing campaign. So what happened? No plot, no story, no human interest at all! I was bored and not engaged by anything other than the pretty pictures. I did not cheer, I did not fear for anyone's safety, I did not care. JAR JAR sounded worse than a teletubby, this was Star Wars brought to you by Barney. Cute and harmless! Give me the old story about a simple farmboy, a sassy princess, a wisecracking smuggler and his dog! And most of all -- don't ruin my dreams about the best villain ever created -- Darth Vader. I don't want to know that he was a slave to a flying warthog, that he skipped around shouting "yippee!", or that he saved the day by accident. I also don't want to know that the FORCE is a bunch of midichlorans in your cells, that takes all the fun out of it. Some stories are better left untold. The real PHANTOM MENACE is George Lucas. He has lost sight of what made the movies great in the first place -- the spunk and plunk of the humans and the humans in robot costumes. So you can make a 20 story fish eat a 40 story fish? So you can make podracers travel at 300 mph before our eyes? But can you make us care? I did not care about anybody, and I can wait 20 years for the next installment. Am I a killjoy? I don't think the critics were HARD ENOUGH on this the most soulless movie since...well, I can't think of one. And wrapped in such a handsome package to boot. Amidala says "Space is cold." Amen sister!