Jar, Annie & 'I' Still 2-D After All

Rating: 3/10 (12 February 2012)

A Necessary Evil
Looks like I agree with myself from 2 years ago. I reviewed Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace when it was released in 2012 in 3-D (see my original review following.) They were supposed to convert the original six in 3-D and re-release each 1-year apart in theatres, so I figured this would be the best way to finally tackle my reviews of them.
That idea fizzled, as did this re-release. No wonder, the movie is mostly awful and even when there are bright spots, such as a great performance from Liam Neeson and some beyond-1999 great FX, Georgie Lucas loves to remind us this is HIS movie and he'll ruin any which way he can.
This movie is, indeed, a necessary evil. My plan this time around was to watch all 6, on BluRay and from my roommate's projection equipment and on his 150" screen. I cringed all the way through this and all it did was make me yearn to get through the first three to get to the real movies.
What I wrote below has not changed. What has changed is my vow to never see this movie again, even if I have a STAR WARS marathon in mind. I will just stick with originally worked: IV-VI.
(From February 12, 2012)
You know that anti-bullying ad: "It Gets Better"? Well, they should've hired that creator to run the advertisements for Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. (3/10 Stars)
Because after this installment, it does. Little by little. Inch by inch. Okay, make that a galaxy-wide time-frame, but if you can stick it through the first couple of episodes and wait for the additional cast that will send this franchise into hyper-drive, then you'll be content.
I digress; we're talking here about Star Wars Episode I: The Pod Race. Will Lil Annie, soon to be Anakin, soon to be Darth Vader and finally the chosen one, bring balance to the Force with lines such as "Yippie!" and "I'm a person!" and "Are you an angel – they live on moons of lego?" and "Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other" and "Don't count on it, slimeball!"
I don't blame him; I blame the horrid director/writer who should've applied to be Stan Winston's successor instead of thinking of dialogue worse than the source material he based this Space Soap Opera on. Yes, I'm bashing Georgie. I think with the money he has that makes Bill Gates jealous, he can take it.
Oh, and I haven't even gotten to Georgie's other bad decision: Jar Jar Binks. And I assure you, I won't waste too much time on one of the worst characters in film history. That's already an established fact. So, in lieu of beating a dead Gungan, I'll tell a brief story:
A Long Time Ago in a City Not Too Far Away, I originally saw Episode I and a couple of weeks later, my dad had time for his first viewing so I took him. Maybe twenty minutes in, Jar Jar makes his screen debut and my dad leans over to me, to ask: "Who is that annoying character? I don't like him!" To which, I spat back: "Get used to him. He's in practically every single scene until the end." My dad did not look pleased.
At any rate, it doesn't get much better, within this film, that is. Beyond Lil Annie's annoyance – and believe me, he would be the number one Star Wuss if not for Jar Jar, there's further bad dialogue, acting and the pacing is atrocious. If the 45-minute Pod Race – that's ONE SCENE – isn't bad enough, the movie moves as slow as the famous words at the beginning. Its clear Georgie Boy had a 30 minute story to tell and stretched it past two hours. And you'll feel every Midi-Chlorian until the surprisingly decent finale.
In fact, that's my highest praise of the movie, aside from some very good special effects. If you can wade through Naboo and Queen Amidala's cut lip and laughable voice, you'll be greeted with the fantastic, duel lightsabering Darth Maul – the one stand out character that you'll cheer for, even if he's on the Dark Side. His fighting two Jed-Is along with a mildly entertaining space battle is worth waiting for. That is, if you can ignore the other things happening at that time, such as Lil Annie's constant need to FORCE a headache on the movie-goer or the battle of the Gungans – because, YES, any time they're on screen, spitting or not, they're absolutely maddening.
Lest I forget, it's in Barely 3-D now in theatres. Don't waste your time. The 3-D adds ZERO to this experience. But, don't worry. Episode II is a huge improvement as is III over II. And so on
It will get better.