you have to be kidding

Rating: 3/10 (16 May 2002)

Let down does not even begin to describe the whirl of loss Star Wars I has evoked across this generation of children and adults. Has humanity been so perverted by MTV that any movie with flashy effects can numb our brains into submission such that we believe it is fantastic?
As far as I can tell, there were only three major goals in designing the opening to the Star Wars saga:
1) Special Effects. Into this category we can insert the pod-racing scene (to which a THIRD of the movie is devoted), the fantastic light-sabre duel, the ridiculous fish chase scene, the flashy but pointless space battle, the clueless droid 'combat' scenes, etc. Fully half of the movie was devoted to special effects scenes which do nothing to develop character, do little to advance plot, and do much to invoke epileptic seizures. Then, there was Jar Jar. shudder
2) Character Introductions. Obi-Wan, meet Anakin. Audience (and some characters), meet C-3PO and R2D2. insert dramatic pause Amidala, meet Anakin. insert dramatic pause A lot of the introductions used extensive use of foreshadowing. The trouble is (here's the big secret), we've already seen the other movies. Yes, it's true. We even have them memorized. We really don't need a dramatic introduction between the characters we know appear later. Just tell the story, and have them meet, and don't make such a huge deal about it. Every time I meet a new person, I don't grab their hand, insert a dramatic pause, and then play triumphant music. Really, I don't.
3) Pandering to kids. So, there are family movies, and there are kids movies. Fantasy family movies include worderful little gems like Labyrinth, Willow, and Shrek. They're fun for both adults and children, they contain strong moral themes, and they avoid nudity and excessive, explicit violence. Kids shows are a fairly recent invention based around the assumption that children are stupid, and obviously need special treatment. They rest on the assumption that society these days is rotten because kids are exposed to harmful adult themes. We overprotect our children and thus teach them a lack of self-reliance and responsibility. But, I digress. Kids shows are like Barney. Teletubbies. Themes so basic and blunt that they bore four year olds to tears.
Is mysticism out this decade? We take the no-technology, mystical religion of the Jedi, and we bastardize it with science. (What IS a midichlorian, anyway? Are they turbocharged mitochondria on epinephedrine? Put down the NyQuil before you hurt yourself.) Then there is the token sterotypes of the bumbling Carribean sidekick Jar Jar (I take it CGI can't render black people...) and the devious but clumsy machinations of the evil Asian trade guild. Did I say stereotypes? Sorry, I meant blatant racism.
I'll cut this short and sum it up with: Bzzzt. Wrong answer. Please play again.