Racing for the golden raspberry

Rating: 1/10 (17 May 2017)

After the oral surgery experience that was the original star wars trilogy , I decided that sadism was one of my strengths and will now review the trilogy initially rejected as the slower and more boring of the two.
Lets pull some teeth.
A long time ago , like say 22 years in the future we find the child father of our hero farm boy stuck on the same floating sandbox he originated from. Well get back to the adventures of mini - Vader in a moment.
Even further away on a planet called Naboo the evil trade federation ( a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney company) has blockaded the planet and is threatening invasion Unless the queen agrees to share her personal beauty tips with their leader viceroy Newt Gunray. This is critical in assisting the viceroy in appearing human for about 4 seconds in return of the Jedi. Even though he is killed in episode lll on Mustafar. But perhaps I've said too much.
The republic dispatches two Jedi ambassadors in their state of the art space Cessna. After their brief conversation on the troubling election of George W. Bush and some afternoon tea , their host attempts to gas them to death. Happily though the viceroy is unaware that Jedi can hold their breath , for quite a long time , time for a service droid to leave , time for a squad of robots to entertain the notion they are human.
With their charter space liner destroyed the Jedi hitch a ride down to Naboo to warn the queen about a blockade that has already been in place for almost a full week. No good deed goes unpunished. The first being they encounter is a an "intelligent" life form named Jar- Jar Binks. For all their powers it is still unfathomable that both of these swordsman did not see Binks for the threat he was. Anyway after a mid afternoon dip and an unfortunate encounter with a fat bureaucratic blow fish our Jedi are sped away to the capitol through the planet core. A brief and amusing way to ramp up concession sales.
Once in the city our Jedi deftly rescue the queen's stand in. Apparently actress Natalie Portman had and appointment with her underwater psychic hair consultant that day. So we had to settle for her average stunt doubles Kiera Knightly and Sofia Coppola. After her flight team's best attempt to kill her crossing the blockade ( I loved the look of sheer panic on the pilots face when he announced the shield generator had been hit. I was beyond amazed at his ability to do absolutely nothing , whilst being fired upon , and to wait for a bunch of droids to fix the problem. Bad @$$ yo.) our Jedi and company make their way To mini-Vaders home world.
Upon their arrival to a used cat box named Mos Espa they discover their hyper drive engine is broken and will need replacing. Natalie Portman back from her appointment , and I have to give her hair consultant props she really channeled Katness Everdean with that long braid work , is sentenced by committee to serve as a stand - in. This is not a good idea.
An even worse idea to try one of the smaller dealers. An ugly floating butterfly named Watto. Question: bringing the hand maiden not a good idea. But Jar-Jar not a problem? While Qui-Gon fails to acquire the needed parts and Jar-Jar destroys everything around while losing a fight to a dwarf service droid. The "hand maiden" meets mini-Vader. I can understand why Vader went for the queen , most of my generation felt him there.
Siezing upon opportunity mini - Vader uses an approaching sandstorm to lure the group back to his mom's house. There he passes time discussing pod racing and shows of his droid. When the storm clears he wows her with his race pod. During all this Qui - Gon learns from Anakin's mother that Anakin is an immaculate birth. The question of the slave status of Anakin is discussed.Then Qui-Gon gets a bright idea.
The next day at Watto's shop Qui-Gon announces he will sponsor Anakin in the upcoming race in a deal for parts bet. Watto accepts. Later as the race draws near Qui - Gon ups the ante by betting the pod against Anakin's freedom. After a loaded dice roll it is set. All the while as this proceeds Qui-Gon must avoid the hand maiden who clearly doesn't put much stock in the idea of her worlds fate being decided by a child race car driver who can't even see over the pod lip let alone finish any race ever. ( Such Negativity)....
The groups faith is rewarded and soon they arrive on the capital planet , a place that makes Los Angeles look like a bedroom community. They are met by general Zod who apparently is a normal guy in this universe. After a long discussion with their senator a man named palpatine ( I have a really bad feeling about him you know) it is decided the chancellor must go. The queen does as she must , and palpitine is elected chancellor. ( I really don't trust that guy) upon realizing that politics will do nothing for her the queen decides to recapture naboo herself. With some help.
Its pretty academic after this while the gungans disrupt the droid armies functioning by talking to them causing a massive 404 error loop. The queen seizes her throne back. Anakin defeats the entire droid space fleet on auto - pilot , and Qui - Gon is killed by a laser staff wielding witch doctor. Who falls to pieces fighting Obi - Wan. Every one lives happily ever after.
OMG.OMG. I've seen better film on teeth.