An entire generation's memories wiped out.

Rating: 3/10 (8 February 2014)

So I woke up today and decided to write a min-review on the Phantom Menace, almost fifteen years after I first saw it.
Why?
Because it's the film that ruined my adult life! And it took me one and a half decades to process all the decrepitude that is the TPM. Fifteen years of therapy to get over the post traumatic stress, the terrible dialog, the awful acting and a certain long-eared "character" that I can't even name without falling into some kind of horrific relapse.
I will spare you a description of the plot because there isn't one, at least not one worth talking about.
In short, TPM is the worst piece of cinematic dreck ever committed to celluloid, digital tape or to a roll of sanitary paper. Even on Ed Wood's worst day, he could have come up with something better than than this. And at least it would have starred Bela Lugosi and better acting.
This is not the Star Wars of my youth. Heck, even the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special was better than TPM.
The only thing passably interesting in this mind numbingly awful excuse for a movie was the introduction of a double-sided light saber wielded by some forgettable villain. That's it. A double-sided light saber. That's what we waited sixteen years for. After sixteen years, George Lucas' one and only interesting idea was a double-sided light saber. But try as he might, he wasn't able to wrap an actual movie around that one good idea.
Okay, I'm done writing about this movie. I'm done talking about it. I'm done thinking about it. After fifteen years, it has finally been expunged from my soul.
I never knew that writing a film review could be so therapeutic. Thank you IMDb user review section. Thank you.