What a disappointment

Rating: Null/10 (17 April 2000)

Well, it had been 22 years since "Star Wars" first hit the screen. I was just a pup then, and it was the greatest thing I had ever seen. What an epic adventure! It captured all of my fantasies and is still my favorite movie. I watch it whenever I feel depressed because it always perks me up. Call me a geek. Then came the others: Empire and Jedi. They were pretty good also, right up until we were introduced to the Ewoks. That's when my awe was tarnished. What's going on with these teddy bear creatures? This is serious stuff, saving the universe from evil. 20 years later the "re-release" came out. You remember those, the flicks where they dusted off the old footage and added some nifty kean-o computer effects. I saw "Star Wars" again on the big screen. The extra effects and footage didn't add anything to it, and were somewhat annoying. It felt like they'd colorized "Citizen Kane." I didn't bother to see Empire and Jedi again. I was pretty excited about seeing Menace. It had been a long time coming, and George had spent a lot of time on it. After all this time, we get to see the beginning of the saga. We had folks go down the day that the advance tickets went on sale and stand in line for 6 hours to get tickets. I went down and held a spot in line for 3 hours. I know this isn't much compared to the fans who waited for a month outside Mann's Chinese, or even camped out overnight in front of the "lesser" theaters, but this was big forme; I usually wait for a matinee after the crowds have died down. I had mixed feelings about seeing it. I tried to avoid all the marketing hype - all the junk merchandise everywhere I turned. I wanted to appreciate art for art's sake and not be burned out before I saw it. I wanted this to be another meaningful experience, like in '77. So I and almost everyone from my company (lots of geeks) shuffled into the theatre for the 4:45pm showing on May 19, 1999. The place was packed and the crowd was pumped. We all roared when the opening titles started rolling. Nobody applauded at the end. I think we were all shocked by the mediocrity. What a disappointment. The characters weren't compelling. The computer animation went way overboard. The story was weak, the dialog was trite at best. The forward references were sappy and condescending (Yes, George, we realize that these are the same two droids from the later episodes. Thank you. OK, that's enough now. You can stop.) The flow of the story kept getting bogged down with pointless scenes. Anakin was non-believable to the point of ludicrousy. What was the point of the CG rasta guy (Jar-Jar? Jim-Jim? Jum-Jum) aside from merchandising appeal? Lame comic relief? This guy had less purpose than C3PO. Darth Maul? This guy is supposed to be interesting? It's a tough sell with no dialog. Why should we hate or fear him? Tell me George doesn't think that face paint and horns make a compelling villain. "See? This character is the bad guy. You can tell because he looks like a demon." Maybe I'm just too old for this movie. Maybe my memories of the original left my hopes too high. I expected magic and got a cheap card trick. You should have left it alone, George.