Truly a lousy film

Rating: Null/10 (10 May 2000)

Spoilers! (for effects(s), of course)
Posted a review the other week, but I guess it never took. So, with about a week between me and having gotten a full refund for the film, I'll try to remember the important points.
First, the film is lousy - barely even a movie. It's more like a series of disconnected special effects masters, just to see what the gee-whiz guys could do. The documentary that precedes this film on video is a tribute to the gee-whiz guys, and 'I could sit through that scene 25 times and not see all the effects'. Great.
But a movie is more than just - special effects. I wasn't the biggest fan of the first Star Wars. And I've heard people walked out of that film when it first opened. But I will give due credit to the actors, the story, the dialogue, the pacing and direction, and the special effects. Harrison Ford's role was crucial. Alec Guinness was very good. And Yoda seemed more Yoda back then (in the 'future') than in this prequel. Sure, Mark Hamell and Carrie Fisher were as annoying as the boy and the puppet in this movie. But Vader was a threat - a menace. This poor painted guy Maul gets mauled like he didn't even matter. Some apprentice. Credit to this movie, though, for that last fight scene. Between that and the pod race, the highlight of the movie.
An effects movie could work as a chase movie. Last part of Jurassic, and T2, Aliens, even Raiders, were effects laden orchestrated movie long chases, with appropriate pauses in the action. You don't need plot. You don't need characters - though particularly in Aliens and Raiders you could root for some of the good guys for their quick and resourceful actions, and to the extent that proved their mettle and heroism. This could have worked just like that. But Lucas has this big 'force be with you' nonsense going on, so we're treated to Babylon 5, instead. You've got the hairdos, the early B5 unconvincing latex, the convoluted power struggles, the Narns, the Centari, er . . the Nadoo (?) - heck even ET at one point (a little joke by Lucas). Unlike B5, however, the scope is missing. It's more like Voyager or the Simpsons, where the universe is populated by just a few characters you know.

Since they have the B5 look, the comparison is fair. B5 had huge fleets, and interesting plots within plots - even a sort of believable 'force', more so than in Star Wars. They had good acting, a large ensemble cast, because they had a lot of narrative. Lucas has a lot of narrative, a few actors, poor acting, or just lousy direction. As for the fleets, in this Star Wars, the great battle is between may 1000 on either side (tiny armies), thought they claim 4000. And if they could create the underwater shielding, why couldn't they build a few trucks to carry it on, instead of giant elephants or whatever, and why couldn't they modify it so that one didn't just walk on through? as when underwater. And why didn't they have a spare? Why - oh why?
I didn't mention the annoying sidekick. Jar Jar Binks is alternately CGI, model, stop motion claymation (looks just like it), and full size claymation (it seems at times). What a weird dude. And he seems the only 'Gungan' that walks with such an exaggerated style. And his pigeon English could easily seem offensive - but to whom (Italians? Blacks? Asians? etc?). Both whatever mockery and the annoyance were likely unintended, and unseen, by the 'master' - Lucas. He prob. just thought it funny. Ha-ha. The special effects in the first Star Wars were more convincing. And whatever happened to those roll up Robocop type robots? Even if the droids seem feather light and weak, here, those roll-ups would have seemed a tad more effective than the 'storm troopers'.
It was a kid's film, like the third Star Wars, with the Ewoks, was a kid's film in the last scenes, particularly. I won't get into the symbolism of the long valleys, the tunnel, the fire exploding out of the tunnel, the pitch of the puppet being somewhere between Homer's derisive falsetto and a little old lady high on caffeine, and just so on. Again, it's all prob. either coincidence or unintended. The film is just bad - on its own - unless you like effects (and those ARE good).
Don't buy - don't rent - don't see - unless you have some time to kill by perpetually asking - gee, how'd they do that?