You're No George Lucas!

Rating: 4/10 (23 August 2000)

A friend of mine brought over his unopened collectors edition copy of STAR WARS: EPISODE 1, THE PHANTOM MENACE. Unlike most people, I hadn't bothered to see the film in theaters. Prequels are generally inferior (BUTCH AND SUNDANCE: THE EARLY YEARS, INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM, etc.). Sadly, THE PHANTOM MENACE is no exception. In fact, it is one of the most insipid knockoffs I've ever seen. Even Roland Emmerich did it better with INDEPENDENCE DAY. At least THAT movie had some genuinely striking visuals (the White House exploding comes immediately to mind). What's wrong with THE PHANTOM MENACE? Let's start with the dialogue. Much of it is unintelligible, EVEN AMONG THE HUMAN ACTORS. That wouldn't be so bad if so much of the story wasn't dependent upon dialogue. The pacing is flat-footed, at least during the first third. The undersea ride is about as exciting, suspenseful and realistic as the submarine ride at Disneyworld. Unlike the originals, the entire film is shot at the 6th grade level. Even a good Disney movie has more pain. Unlike Darth Vader, Darth Maul has no personality, or even any dialogue. He's more like the typical Ninja in an Asian martial arts movie. And, speaking of Asians, the movie also includes some ugly stereotyping. The evil but stupid Viceroy and his aide have flat faces and noses and speak English with an obvious Asian accent. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. So Natalie Portman's played a `double.' Wow, what a surprise. Didn't this kind of plot element become old hat after THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER? Certainly, it's been used by every soap opera on TV. Reducing Annakin's spiritual connection with `the Force' to simple physiological phenomena devalues the series' mysticism and begs a simple question. Why not blood test EVERYBODY? Annakin's penetration of the droid control ship was, quite simply, stupid, relying WAY too much on coincidence. The pod race was so predictable I was half expecting to see Penelope Pitstop and Dick Dastardly among the contestants. Most surprisingly, the WORST thing about the movie were the effects. I would have PREFERRED men in rubber masks and alien suits to the phony-looking CGI characters and scenery. Want to see how it's done right? Witness the crowds watching the TITANIC depart, or the British Redcoats in THE PATRIOT. Guess what? Same effects firm (Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic).
This is the worst sci-fi film I've seen since VIRUS (thankfully, I have so far avoided BATTLEFIELD EARTH). Basics aside (cinematography, sound, etc.) THE PHANTOM MENACE fails on virtually every level. All I can say to George Lucas is, `Sir, I knew George Lucas. He was an innovative film maker who produced some clever, touching, humorous and exciting movies, and at least one genuine masterpiece (THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK). George Lucas, you are no George Lucas.'