Star Wars: The Missing Ingredient

Rating: 5/10 (18 April 2017)

A movie that couldn't fail to please me and did so anyway. Now I'm not your typical Phantom Menace hater. As a scifi and Star Wars nut and a big fan of McGregor, Neeson and Portman, I was really looking forward to this movie and willing to give it a heap of goodwill. But my goodwill ran out.
Synopsis (SPOILERS)
For rather unclear reasons the Trade Federation blockades a planet called Naboo and the furious Parliament sends two (well one and a half) Jedi's to convince them to stop. Failing before even starting, they escape with the Queen to a planet where they meet Anakin Skywalker. He seems gifted so the Jedi's take him with them whilst preparing to free Naboo. In a massive battle, they manage this, but by then we've learned that a Sith Lord was the puppet master of the Trade Federation. Erm that's about it.
Before I delve into the long awaited dislike section let's look at the highlights.
THINGS I LIKED
1) I really liked the music
2) Whilst at times completely underwhelming, I liked Neeson and McGregor as Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan
3) Darth Maul is a fantastic villain, albeit one-dimensional, and the fight between him and the Jedi's is a nicely chaotic, violent dance. Kudos for those scenes that I would have thoroughly enjoyed had the screen not continuously switched to Anakin crashing into everything in his vicinity.
4) There are many references to the old trilogy which pleases the senses
5) Senator Palpatine is a wonderful addition to the universe, even though it's pretty clear what he will become
THINGS I DISLIKED
1) The beginning. In A New Hope we learn of the Empire and the Rebels, we then see the Empire's finest chase the Rebel Princess, who sends vital information with two droids, which brings Luke into the story, which brings Obi-Wan into the story, and their need to escape gives us Han and Chewie. It's as smooth as gentile Zen stream. Here the Federation invades a planet and we meet the Jedi's and the Queen who escape to a planet that has Anakin, to which Qui- Gon is drawn like a Catholic Priest. Much like my girlfriend's happy days, there is no flow. We barely get any motivation for the Trade Federation to invade a planet we don't know, other than they are manipulated themselves. Even if the Queen hadn't escaped I do not see what difference it would make. I know it's a plan to disrupt the Senate but it's one small, unknown planet, that at this point holds no interest.
2) Darth Maul (yes, yes, he's awesome and the Kendo Lightsaber Stick is cool) has no character development making him a mere puppet of his master
3) Obi-Wan: I was so disappointed when he wasn't revealed but nonchalantly introduced. This is a big name in Star Wars played by a good actor, and it could have been an epic moment.
4) The meeting between Anakin and Obi-Wan could also have been legendary. We know how badly things will get which glues us to the screen when they meet but it's basically "So you're a Jedi too, har har, pleasure to meet you!"
5) This movie desperately needed a Suicide Squad bar scene, where we see some believable, entertaining camaraderie developing between the main cast, much like the Luke, Leia and Han bickering evolved into trust and loyalty.
6) The ending. It's bad enough that Anakin wins the day by mistake but I also do not really care for either the land people or the underwater people of Naboo and that they finally make an alliance is about as interesting as watching grass grow. The zoom in on Palpatine is not bad but we already know it's him doing evil deeds so it's unnecessary.
7) Yoda and Mace Windu seem interesting and we barely get any of it.
8) Knowing where Anakin and Padme are going the age gap slightly bothers me.
9) These complaints are worth noting because they are always repeated, and not without cause: making the Force biologically measurable, Jar Jar is annoying, Jake Lloyd can't act, everyone acts slightly wooden, the CGI takes precedence over the story, it tries too hard, the pod race goes on too long, it kills off it's best villain and good guy.
10) But I would forgive it all were it not for the missing ingredient: Magic. The first trilogy captured kids and adults alike and created arguably the strongest and most dedicated fan base in history, and here, while looking slick and having some good moments, it just doesn't work. It doesn't compel. It's mildly interesting. There is little character development. Little story. Barely any depth. No heart. It lacks the roguish charm of its predecessors.
CONCLUSION
It's not as bad as it was described, say, 10 years ago but it cannot fill the shoes of the first movies -not even close. There are some good moments and it's still watchable, but a horrible character, unbearable kid acting (look at Mama, Sixth Sense or I am Sam to see the difference) and CGI obsessiveness give a story that should work a deservedly bad reputation. 5/10 mostly because of the music, the nods to the past, Neeson, Maul and Palpatine.