Made by machines for machines

Rating: 1/10 (5 July 1999)

THE PHANTOM MENACE is one of the biggest disappointments in my memory. This is what Shakespeare meant by a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. After watching this, I think we should take back all those unkind things we said about PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.
Way back when, I saw the first STAR WARS at least seven times: that was just at the actual movies, we're not counting video or cable or anything. It's structure was that of a classic western, but the way it created a whole new universe was bold and original.
And if you saw the first one, you really needn't bother with any of the others. Everything is pretty well laid out in the original, with the notable exception of the nature of the relationship between some of the characters that comes clear in RETURN OF THE JEDI.
But now comes THE PHANTOM EMPIRE, which was so boring that I went sound asleep in the middle of it: not an easy thing in an auditorium equipped with DTS sound. Maybe it's a case of my having become cynical in the twenty-some years since seeing the first STAR WARS, but I was amazed that so many fine actors could be hired for this project and then cast adrift.
Did George Lucas even bother to be on the set when the scenes with live actors were filmed, or was he crouched over a monitor watching the special effects? If there was a director on the set, he was sleeping more soundly than I was.
One performer does stand out for special commendation. Samuel L. Jackson, bless his heart, manages to say a line to the effect of "Return with the queen to Naboo," and he says this with a perfectly straight face. He doesn't giggle or snicker or anything. Although I'll bet that in the vaults there are hundreds of feet of unusable takes with him giggling, stammering, or just laughing his head off trying to say 'Naboo' with a straight face.
This movie is garbage. Boycott it, and don't buy any of the millions of products with images of the film on it. Instead, go to the video store and check out STAR WARS and treat yourself to a movie that dares to be original.