What is Happening

Rating: 2/10 (17 April 2020)

My whole life, I have been a Star Wars fan. I can see it for what it is: a fun and exhilarating collection of stories about heroes, villains, and intergalactic wars. As a child, I enjoyed The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar was funny. Pod racing was cool. And perhaps the epic battle between Kenobi and Maul at the end of the film tricked me into thinking that the movie itself was great, and not a total disaster. In my mind, it could not be better. But then, I grew up.
Now, I can confidently state that The Phantom Menace is the worst Star Wars film there is. Let's be honest; it's boring, long, the dialogue is pathetic, and Darth Maul is a scary villain who doesn't really do much besides pop up at the end for a lightsaber battle that saves the movie's third act. Most people, pre-sequels, were in agreement that it's an objectively bad film that offers a half-decent introduction to the beloved story that George Lucas introduced with A New Hope, but if you watch it on its own and examine it for what it is-A FILM-you'll see that it's just not very good. Lucas went from churning out stories about a group of charismatic misfits in outer space fighting to end the cruel regime of space-nazis, to writing a movie about... what exactly? The taxing of trade routes? Even the CLIMAX of the movie, a droid vs Gungan battle, presents a fight on THE MOST lifeless and boring terrain I've ever seen, and yet, the shots still appear cluttered. I've heard people claim that Jar Jar "ruins" the movie, but in all seriousness, he is the only part of the film that isn't horrifically lifeless and stale. The only thing that reminds me I'm alive and haven't awoken in hell whilst watching the movie is Jar Jar's snippets of dialogue that pull me back down to earth. I just simply don't care about the characters and what they're talking about, making each conversation even more tedious than the last. Even Obi-Wan Kenobi, one of my favorite characters of all time and one of the bread-and-butter characters of the saga and The Clone Wars Series (which, coincidentally, is the show that SAVED his character), is mind-numbingly dull, showing very little emotion up until his master is slain. So, I stand by my thesis that Jar Jar is the most entertaining character in the movie-the only character that makes me feel anything besides dead inside.
This is not a good movie. It has no merits. It is boring, overly long, and just so...flat. I will never understand how a fleet of fans are now flocking back to the very movies they once
mercilessly hated after the release of the sequels. I don't care what everyone else says-every single sequel that's been put out is several steps above each prequel (and yes, that includes Revenge of The Sith). Quit whining about the The Last Jedi and stick with The Phantom Menace for all I care, and have fun watching the Senate negotiate trade routes. :)