Oh Jar-Jar, How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways.

Rating: 2/10 (6 May 2002)

I'm sure everyone has heard all their friends, relatives, and random passerbys gripe over the immense waste of computer generated imagery known as Jar-Jar Binks, but I just can't help it. No movie character has ever driven me to the brink of tongue chomping, teeth gnashing psychosis like that floppy eared moron. I cannot understand why this creature (which appears to be the combination of a four-year-old, Carribbean native, a mutated guppy, and that weird dragon/dog thing from Neverending Story with bigger lip implants) is even included. All he manages to do is p*** people off while at the same time manage to avoid death every moment due to some undeserved luck. So many times I found myself praying that one of the Jedis would just draw their saber and silence the fish-man forever. Unfortunately, the Jedi code restricts such action, proving that the dark side is much more agreeable.
Jar-Jar, as horribly evil as he may be, is not the only thing to dislike about this movie. Who knows why, but Lucas must have decided that people who go to movies only go to movies because they wish to escape a world full of text images, and thus most of the different alien races in Episode 1 speak english, limiting the use of subtitles. Hey, that's not too bad right? Well, wait till you hear the Trade Federation honchos that sound like over-exaggerated Japanese-Americans. Oh, and don't forget the Gungans that remind me of, no offense, a Jamaican with a brain defect. Since today's illiterate audiences can't muster the mind power to read basic lines to begin with, let's make the characters speak english in horribly offensive accents. It's just more immense annoyances that make me want to microwave my brain until I drool myself to death.
Speaking of annoying, how about that kid who plays Anakin Skywalker, the focus of the three prequels? Here we have a nine-year-old child who can build things that NASA could only fantasize about, and who tackles such massive sociological issues such as world peace (except multiplied by 100 billion to equal galaxy peace). In case you were unaware, Anakin is destined to be Darth Vader, so I understand that Lucas wanted Anakin to appear as a good-hearted soul, but boy does he lay it on thick. Thank you George, I get it, he's sweeter than one of those gigantic lolipops you find at Disneyland, and we should all weep at this boy's impending peril. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to slap that kid. It is far too difficult to make a pre-teen appear to be 35. I just see a spoiled little runt that rocket scientists would envy, yet for some reason we are supposed to care that this adorable little sandy haired genius is doomed to the dark side (which I determined earlier is much more agreeable than all that good Jedi stuff). Think of all the trouble that would have been saved if Obi-Wan had just smote him on sight.
Episode 1 is so ridiculously annoying that I couldn't even pay attention to the highly ornate special effects. I could care less how seamless Jar-Jar looks. Why can't he just shut up? And Anakin, you can stop bragging any time about your wonderful science projects and immeasurable I.Q. If only you could see into the future. You might weep as much as I did after suffering through this sci-fi fantasy turned horrendous pile of steaming poo. Sorry George, maybe next time.