"I don't care which universe you're from - that's gotta hurt!"

Rating: 5/10 (19 May 2019)

There is one particular scene which probably bothers me over all the others in "The Phantom Menace", George Lucas' bloated first prequel to his immensely successful initial trilogy: it occurs nearer the end and unfolds during a council meeting - a character turns to Yoda, of all people, and offers an exclamation: "The Sith? But they've been extinct for a millennium(!)" As if Yoda wouldn't know that. But the line isn't for Yoda, it's for us, and it's infuriating when that happens: characters essentially speaking to the audience, when they ought to be speaking to one another.
Aside from being a little long; not especially exciting; too narratively confused; not as funny as it thinks it is and there not being an especially large amount of suspense to proceedings, this opening chronological episode of the Star Wars franchise just suffers from not doing the basics to any competent extent. The film contains four heroes, but no actual protagonist; it possesses something in the region of four villains, but no real antagonist; the narrative is a mess, with the aims and goals of various people either unclear or unexciting.
The film drops us head first into a situation involving the government of an exotic planet named Naboo, and a trade federation - both of whom are facing off over varying legalities to do with tariffs. It almost feels as if we've joined thirty minutes late. Two Jedi, Liam Neeson's Qui-Gon Jinn and Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan Kenobi, are arriving to negotiate a truce on behalf of a third party. Neeson has just enough white in his beard to appear journeyed or 'wise'. They are greeted kindly by a droid, lulling us into a false sense of security, but then a series of confusing decisions by two trade federation officers, who are taking orders from no-less than Ian McDiarmid's Palpatine character, leads to the Jedi being attacked and a robot army invading Naboo anyway. What it is that is so special about Naboo, it is never explained. Why anybody thought it a good idea to go to war with two Jedi, it too is never fully explained. Palpatine himself orders the attack - he of all people should know a Jedi's power.
Down on the planet, and whilst urgently trying to reach the Queen of Naboo, Amidala (Natalie Portman), Kenobi and Jinn run into Jar-Jar Binks, a strange red creature who's part of the wildlife and who will, before the end, step in some animal faeces; be farted on by a large camel-like creature and be kicked in the balls by a small robot. Finding Amidala, everybody whisks themselves away through the warships and on to a place called Coruscant, where Amidala will be able to rectify the situation.
Alas, damage to the ship during the escape forces them to land on an old stomping ground of the series: Tatooine. This leads Jinn to young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), a slave who works in an electronics shop for a flying insect and dreams of having a real life. Meanwhile, Palpatine has dispatched the menacing Darth Maul to find them - Maul's introduction is actually quite effective: done so via a hologram communique whereby we cannot really see him and he looms in the background.
Around this point, the film comes to a screeching halt - "Phantom Menace" appearing to take pleasure in stranding its characters in a desert: Jinn is unable to obtain a part for the damaged ship; Anakin partakes in a motor-race, the events of which are relayed to us by a commentator despite the fact we have just seen them, and Binks continues to mess around - everything else involving Naboo has been placed on hold. The pursuit of them, by Maul, carries neither energy nor threat - he is a mere spectre. Perhaps he needed an incidental scene whereby he would enter a Tatooine gas station; toss a coin and demand the proprietor 'call it'...
Anakin is probably the closest thing the film has to a lead - of all the characters, he transitions the most and learns the most. He has a goal, to be free and to free his mother, and is heavily involved in what the 'hero' might otherwise be responsible for during the finale. But he isn't introduced early enough, and because the film is aimed at kids, it cannot do this anyway, as it would mean depicting the brutal realities of slave-life.
Another problem is suspense: on the one previous occasion a character as skilled as a Jedi Knight appeared to lead a Star Wars film, Episode Six, they were vulnerable, but not in a physical capacity - only to the temptation of undoing all their hard work and falling to the 'dark' side because of an intrinsic link to their enemies. There was no physical threat to them - they were the most powerful character in the film, but it was cleverly negated. Here, Neeson and McGregor's Jedi characters have no real reason to be afraid of anything and have no real vulnerability. This is a major problem, while as individuals, they are so lacking in actual characterisation, that they might as well become one altogether. Beyond this, a rather seminal moment whereby Anakin meets his future spouse is undercut by Binks' tomfoolery; the senate in Coruscant is full of toadies one minute, but works in everyone's favour the next, and we annoyingly discover that Darth Vader was responsible for building C3PO...
I suppose it is fun to hear that old cry of "Wootini!" again, and we smile when Yoda and the Jedi council speculate about what might come of Anakin, but so what? The film possesses three major sequences: the pod-race; the big fight with Maul and the final battle with the android army, but what REALLY transpires around them? For many, this was the moment Lucas torched his own grand design, ruining it for millions of fans in the process. In the immortal words of Jar-Jar Binks: how wuuuude(!).