A Great Celebration in the Force

Rating: 1/10 (2 July 1999)

(Taking an immortal line from the original Obi Wan and twisting it a bit.) This piece is an answer to the question plaguing George Lucas and looming over the coming episodes: how to get rid of the most annoying race of creatures (and quite possibly the one character in all of cinematography who most deserves to be shot... twice). It was picked up on a galactic news feed.
A Great Celebration in the Force
Rubber Nilly, GP (Galactic Press)
NABOO, OUTER GALAXY, Reports emerged today from one of the more obscure planets on the Federation Trade routes of the disappearance and apparent deaths of an entire race of moose-headed, web-eared, frog-tongued, underwater dwelling isolationists calling themselves "Gungun," or, loosely translated, "First-born of Much Vexation." Early details are sketchy, but it has been confirmed that every member of this young but proud race met with gruesome fates at the hands of their brothers.
Captain Banaka, Prime Captain of Queen Amidala's Palace Guard and Polo Champions, first discovered the absence of the Naboo neighbors early last week. "It was strange. One day they were there, the next, not. We knew because the air was a lot fresher when they were gone."
Attempts to investigate the Gunguns' disappearance have been slightly hampered by the presence of enormous reptilian carnivores in the lake where the Gungun made their homes, but more strongly by a general apathy by all involved as to the whereabouts or well being of this noble race. Said one search party member who wished to remain anonymous, "Sure we're out here looking, but what are we looking for? The Gungun! And why are we looking, I mean, they were fricking annoying now, weren't they?"
Asked to comment, George Lucas had this to say, "Apparently there was a problem in the lab with the development of the Gungun. It appears that our team of design engineers missed the genes for annoyance, un-intelligibility, and rampant cannibalism in the DNA slurry that was the basis for the Gungun, mistaking these genes for those of charm, wit, and importance in the script." Animation experts are saying that it was only a matter of time before the Gungun self-destructed into a primitive, ritualistic struggle to climb the food chain of their society.
Apparently, one Gungun by the name of Jar Jar Binks survived this degeneration into cannibalism, taking refuge with Queen Amidala in her palace during the past month. However palace reports now say that just two days ago he was hung, shot, flayed, and burned for allegedly stealing the Queen's good bologna. So, indeed, there are no Gungun left on Naboo, nor anywhere else in the Galaxy.
When confronted with this palace report and the assertion that the degeneration of the Gungun had been severely aided by the gift of a bright blue ball of.something and the radiation this ball of whatever-the-hell-that-was must have been giving off to the Gungun, the Queen denied both claims with a shrug and the matter was promptly dropped for lack of interest..
The apparent tenor toward these digital denizens of the deep can be best summarized by quoting the ancient jedi master, Yoda, who, upon feeling the removal of the life-energies of the Gungun from the Force, was heard to say, "About time, it is."