Deeply, deeply disappointing

Rating: Null/10 (19 March 2002)

*massive spoilers*
The media hubbub around this movie was fairly intense here in norway as in any country i guess. The demand was so high that the movie actually ran 24 hours a day for the first few days after the premiere. I saw it at 5am at the best theatre in Oslo with a friend, and i was so excited i didnt really know what to do with myself.
The past couple of days i'd seen people in star wars getups in ticket lines and people in sleeping bags outside theatres and the like, and i feel so incredibly bad for those people who went through all that trouble for a movie this insignificant.
It doesnt add anything to the star wars mythos; It repeats stuff we knew from IV-VI, so it just basically sets the stage for episode 2, and in the process manages to make every single character entirely uninteresting in the process. In fact there isnt much incentive in me to see episode 2 now, particularly not with that hideous name they put on it. That name actually made me angry to the point of loud swearing. I thought they could rectify this atrocity somehow with a darker more serious and thorough second episode, and they ¤#)(¤("% called it attack of the clones. Yay George Lucas.
Star Wars episode 1 makes little or no sense. For some reason the "trade federation" (a totally faceless group of asian-themed villains. Dubious element #1) are being naughty and have decided to set up a blockade (which doesnt seem to be doing anything at all) to bother the planet of Naboo for no reason. A couple of bumbling jedi more content with spinning around as many times as possible while fighting (excrutiating to watch, particularly when coupled endlessly with the same old star wars theme ad nauseum) than with being err. living breathign characters perhaps, arrive to "settle things". Some stuff explodes and they have to spin at least 19 times and remain entirely devoid of emotions to escape. George Lucas tries to keep the pace of the film up by having them say "lets split up and get on some o these here ships and meet up on the planet" before leaving them, leaving the actual process of escape up to the viewers imagination. Cue Jar Jar Binks, an idiot combination of donald duck, any african american racist stereotype and a jamaican. He bumbles around the forest like its been his job for exactly 3 minutes and he's still working out how things function, falls over a lot and gets saved by the magically appearing old-guy jedi. The young jedi magically appears (or he teleports in or whatever, ive seen the film a couple of times an this still eludes me) and they have an annoyingly up-close conversation with the fishman, delivering some of the flattest lines in recent memory (You should say "That is the sound of a *THOUSAND* terrible things coming this way" god damnit. Emphasis on thousand! THOUSANDNDDHDDH!!) before plunking into a pond which, through the magic of filmmaking, turns into a frickin ocean all of a sudden. They hook up with some frogs that seem less racist but still disturbingly human (the original SW series had aliens that were simply alien, not human parodies) and take off in a weird sub to dodge some big fish before plopping out of the water in ancient greece or something. Im not sure what happens next, but through interacting with what looks like toy soldiers and an entirely wooden natalie portman the jedi and the frog-negro somehow manage to fly off in a huge silver vibrator.
Some more stuff happens, i guess it was the stabilisers, theres always the stabilisers in this kind of film, and the crew has to land at Ooo AAa desert planet Tatooine for spare parts. This is where ye allmighty Darth Vader shows up, in the form of annoying playmo-man brat Anakin Skywalker. He talks and moves like that kid in AI before he was programmed. In fact its surprising this robot of a child didnt bump into more things and fall over more during his scenes, altho i can only imagine what happened offscreen. His mother doesnt know WHATS going on, altho she's apparently a slave to this fat blue flying arab, altho we never see the lazy old hag do any actual work around the place. Looks like slavery is a decent gig to me. The kid is also "a slave" *chuckle* and somehow, probably through magic, manages to build a racing pod and a protocol droid. Some more insignificant stuff happens and the kid flies around a bit, everyone goofs around some more and talks inconsequential crap and the "bad guy" of the movie is introduced. Darth Maul aka Ray Parkes is probably one of the movie's only elements of identity. Although he looks like a clown who hasnt really caught onto things yet he portrays the character with just seething hate and intensity. Jolly good show! Eventually the kid has to race that pod thing, and this scene is actually pretty good. Probably because theres less dialogue in it than any given minute of the film otherwise, thank god. Of course the kid wins. Even tho he was like one lap behind, suure. Its magic i tell you, magic. Then after he wins one of the jedi (the old one) develops a kind of "thing" for the kid because he can feel something about him (this SCARES me) and they take off, but not until the bad guy can join the club and magically appear on his scooter, do 4 flips and fall over while trying to bother the old jedi. After the old guy hops onto the ship again, having just been through all kinds of danger fighting this hellish *demon* jedi, he seems entirely unaffected. "What was that?" "I dont know, but it was well versed in the ways of the jedi. Come friend, let us go masturbate furiously" what the hell? the thingie SPUN AROUND and FELL OVER! if thats what defines a jedi i must be more powerful than i thought! Now they go back to naboo, some girl that apparently was there throughout the film turns out to be the queen (still made from wood) and the trade fed starts being angry and theres apparently some kind of fighting going on. A whole heap of those fish guys fall over over and over again and somehow manages to damage some comical enemy robots that stutter and dont kill anything but say "hands up" instead. Hmm what happens next.. Oh theres some "political stuff" inbetween here but its all just showcasing the effects for Coruscant and noone makes any sense and the queen keeps talking like DecTalk.exe so youre not missing out on anything. After some more fighting the GOD DAMN KID ACCIDENTALLY FLIES A SHIP TO THE ENEMY MOTHERSHIP AND ACCIDENTALLY BLOWS IT UP GOD DAMNIT! How could they DO this! Its an *INSULT* to all of us! "I'll try spinning! THATS A GOOD TRICK!" What happened to pilot legends like Wedge Antilles or whatever it is his last name is, isnt it down to skill anymore? No its down to ACCIDENT! In fact i think the whole propulsion of this film is based on accident. I have no doubt that the plot is simply idea after idea connected by hastily crafted strands of text. Its like "Oh yeah and well have like frog guys huh hhuhuh yeah theyll be like REAL funny, and like they live in the wa.. err George what was that idea again? Oh yeah dude thatll work great, its like a jungle planet we'll just put lots of water on it itll be like uhh yeah like a 'careful balance' and stuff y'know and theyll be enemies with the humans cos itll be like afric.. HEY DUDES, LETS MAKE THE FISHMEN LIKE BLACK PEOPLE ITLL LIKE SYMBOLISE THEIR STRUGGLE AND STUFF! Yeah thats a GREAT idea huhuh" Its an absolute disgrace.
After that big donut blows up the movie basically ends. No wait theres this duel somewhere, im not sure, but its got Ray Parks and the 2 jedi totally flipping out trying to kill eachother. They spin over and over and over and over and over, and the music is SO dramatic. Can you tell im fed up with talking about this flick yet? Anyway the dark jedi magically becomes an idiot at just the right time for the good monkey ninjas to cut him in half. Did i say ninja? I meant jedi! With all this flipping out and killing stuff you never know the difference anymore. Well no more darth maul and no more interesting character. How dull. After this theres some people dying and some people celebrating, and thats basically the film.
I can guarantee you this review was more entertaining than watching the actual film.
2 thumbs up for effects, 2 thumbs down for actual filmmaking. Boo!