What a cruel travesty!!

Rating: Null/10 (29 May 1999)

As TPM drew to a close, I keep thinking to myself dreams are only fantasies not able to be fulfilled. George Lucas has insulted our capacity to participate with the world that Star Wars has meant for long-time fans. The worst is that the 8-10 yr-old kids for whom the movie was made must have felt strange also. Aside from Jar Jar Binks and the cocky Jake Lloyd, the trade taxation and blockade plot is pointless to kids that are just beginning to learn their math and grammar.
The movie has a really bad self-conscious trip and feels as if itself knew that it was part of a pop culture phenomena.(Kind of like in a galaxy far, far away in 1999, not a long time ago.) The acting was so terrible. But this is not to blame on the actors. Aside from Jake Lloyd, there was true potential in Neeson, McGregor and Portman. It's just that Lucas wouldn't have the time or the desire to let their talents show. That Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan routine just felt like they were Batman and Robin, and although the Queen's wardrobe was nothing less than astonishing, it seemed so heavy for Natalie. I suppose that's why she's so rigid throughout the film. Jake Lloyd seemed to me like a moron kid than the young Dark Lord Vader. What the hell with those "Yipee"'s!!!!Don't get me started on Jar Jar Binks, please. Why didn't this character die? Ohhhh, I could have imagined the soaring applause from the audience!!!! By the way, I don't even know anyone that liked this character. Chewbacca was kind of goofy, but at least funny. Jar Jar Binks is just stupid, obnoxious and dumb.
It is utterly impossible to comprehend how at the end of the 20th century, Lucas didn't use models and actors for ships and creatures. The effects were way overused. The problem with this is that no matter how well done the CGI is done, it doesn't convey the mass and volume of the objects. You just know they're superimposed. And how can the past of the first trilogy be somehow more high-tech? I'm talking about the ships for example, their chrome-like surfaces and the aerodynamics (some clearly modeled on the Blackbird SF-71). It doesn't make sense. The only puppets here were Yoda (I think Lucas felt it would have raged the audience to digitize the wise Jedi; but Star Wars is not only him) and the Trade Federation Viceroys.
Which bring me to the accents: I still know why the ANH scene between Greedo and Solo was so great. It was not only the tension of the dialogue, but the use of the subtitles!!! It gave you the feeling that we were in a galaxy far, far away. No such thing here: The Viceroys are Japanese, Watto is Arab or Italian, Jar Jar Binks obviously a Jamaican. And what about the two-headed announcer? Is this the NASCAR race? I thought that at any moment they were going to say the pod race was sponsored by Castor Oil.It would've been so easy to invent languages for these characters(Although the attitude of Watto was very cool, kind of slick. That I would've kept).
And the relationship between mother and son wasn't well sketched. But again, I think this was mainly Jake Lloyd's fault (God, did I hate the kid!!). He doesn't make you feel the connection.
Having to explain scientifically the Force killed it. With this, my inner child died from then on. Whatever happened to Yoda saying in ESB: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter"? At least the new age mumbo jumbo gave some mystique to the story.
Darth Maul will probably pass as the most underused great character in Star Wars history. More Darth Maul instead of Jar Jar would have benefitted the movie immensely!!
Well, I could go on and on, the "roger,roger" android-speech, the androids themselves, the last lap of the race being longer than the previous ones, the double character of Natalie Portman (unnecesarily confusing), the long-necked Jedi of the Council (have you heard about mass proportion?), but why bother? This movie has more holes than a golf camp. Since I've seen many people torn between deception and loyalty to the franchise, it would be unnecesary to say what I liked about it. There are still few detractors like myself, but time will give us the reason to say that this doesn't hold a candle. Suffice it to say, see it, and plunge into depression.