Disappointing, to say the least

Rating: Null/10 (17 February 2004)

First, let me say I'm a "Star Wars" fan. I still remember being 11 years old and watching the original film. I don't think I've ever had more "fun" watching a movie. It was simply a great film. Years later, I've seen the movie countless times, and whenever it comes on, or even, if it happens to be showing in department store, I find myself drawn to watch it, though I can quote the dialog and know virtually every detail of the scene. And that's not because I'm the typical Star Wars geek (though I likely was in my youth), it's just a good, compelling film. I never get tired of seeing it.
Empire was an equally good film. And excellent transition that carried the story exceedingly well. Sadly, Return was a disappointment and, though made over a decade earlier, apparently a precursor of what was to come. WARNING: POTENTIAL SPOILERS This is not a good film. It crawls at times, the acting, despite an incredibly talented cast, is horrid. When I watch the scene with Liam Neeson, Ewan McGreggor and that _____ Jar Jar JamiacaMon in the submarine being chased by large sea monsters, and hear Neeson, an excellent actor, state, with no emotion whatsoever, "there's always a bigger fish", it's like listening to a piano out of tune. I ask myself, how poor must Lucas' direction have been to get such horrid work out of an actor like Neeson?
Sadly, there is little for the actors to work with. The plot, from virtually the opening credits, is senseless. To call it comic-book level is to do injustice to comic books. Stan Lee certainly never penned a plot this absurd.
But what's really frustrating as a fan of the series is the damage it does to its own story and mythos.
Allow a recap. Star Wars was a wonderful "fairy tale" of good vs. evil, hope and rebirth. But the key points on which the original trilogy is based are either undone, forgotten, or simply stretched to absurdity.
What many don't know is that Lucas intended multiple episodes from the beginning. Indeed, it was originally intended to be a 12-part story. That said, it is becoming apparent that he hadn't worked the plot details out at the time and he's done much of it "after-the-fact" and it shows.
I've always thought he didn't decide Darth Vader was Luke's father until he wrote Empire. If you watch Star Wars, there is virtually no foreshadowing of the event and it seems somewhat, contrived. But that was nothing compared to what he does in Menace.
Okay, in Star Wars, "A New Hope" we get two droids, otherwise unimportant, who escape to the planet Tatooine. They do this because Princess Leia, who is aboard the ship (remember, R2 and C3PO are not owned by her--they belong to the ship's captain) and traveling to Tatooine to meet with Obi-Wan Kenobi, a friend of her father's, manages to sneak a message/program into R2. It's rather apparent that the choice of R2 is chance.
Well, they land, meet up with Luke and he brings them, after discovering Leia's message to Obi-Wan/Ben Kenobi. He makes the comment to Ben, that the droids must belong to him. Kenobi states "Strange, I don't remember ever owning any droids". Freeze that, and remember it.
Cut to Phantom Menace. Young Obi-Wan embarks on what will clearly be one of the great adventures of his life, thus you'd expect it to be something he might remember. He has the initial adventure on Naboo and, after rescuing the Princess Amidala and escaping the planet, is saved by none other than, the same R2 unit. An R2 unit that will continue to play a significant role in his life.
Okay, let's just say the "coincidence" is putting the "willing suspension of disbelief" to a rather strenuous test.
But we're supposed to believe that when this same R2 unit shows up years later, involved in a story rather dramatically connected to this one (remember, Ben will know who Amidala is, who Luke is and who Leia is), HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE VERY SAME R2 UNIT?!!!???
Wait. There's more.
The escape forces them to land on, c'mon, guess where---Tatooine.
Ooookaaayyyyy. We're in serious coincidence mode here.
Not done yet.
Who does he meet on Tatooine? Why, the boy who would become, Luke's father, his most promising student, and one of the great evils in the galaxy. Little Darth Vader.
Here it comes.
Little Darth is not only a burgeoning messiah, having been immaculately conceived (what the @#$ is that about?!?), he's also a little Wile E. Coyote super genius. In his spare time, he's building a droid.
Wait for it.
C3PO
Yep, the same C3PO who befriends R2 and year's later, returns to Tatooine, through SHEER COINCIDENCE to find his builder's son, and hook up yet again with Obi Wan Kenobi.
Not, mind you, that either C3PO or R2 apparently still have this rather tantalizing bit of information anywhere in their databanks.
And again, Obi-Wan meets a child who's building a droid, apparently a rather significant feat, and has no recollection of that very same droid who miraculously returns to the planet of its creation years later to....well, you get the idea.
Frankly, it makes my head hurt. It's one thing to play fast and loose with the rules of physics and the universe--I understand the difference between Space Opera/Fantasy and Science Fiction. It's quite another to treat your audience like idiots who won't notice INCREDIBLE COINCIDENCE AFTER INCREDIBLE COINCIDENCE.
I understand that for people who weren't remotely familiar with the series, it wasn't a horrible flick, though not a particularly great one.

My kids seem to like it.
Regrettably, I find it barely watchable. In fact, it's almost painful.
Not a good film. Poorly directed. Weakly acted, and simply horridly written.