Don't wait for video, but don't see it twice

Rating: 1/10 (2 June 1999)

Lucky for me I was one of those who waited a few weeks to see this film. I say lucky because by that time most of the Lucasfilm-generated hype had been replaced by public disappointment, negative reviews, and warnings to prepare myself for a cinematic abomination named Jar Jar. Thus when I went in there I expected a complete garbage movie (still going anyway because I heard the lightsabre fights were worth watching). And subsequently I was pleasantly surprised. I'd give it about a 6 out of 10.
Good points: (1) Great special effects. Way too heavy on CGI for my tastes (I had the distinct impression throughout the movie I was watching "Antz" or something), but it was impressive eye candy; (2) Lightsabre battle (awesome fight and I liked how they used the Force against each other); and (3) Pod-race - the highlight of the movie in my opinion. It was long, fast, exciting and awesome to watch.
Bad points (here we go): (1) Jar Jar. The wretched idea for this creature should never have been hatched out of whichever storywriter's fevered brain. No amount of warning and preparation will prepare you for how annoying and meaningless this character is. He literally has no positive value to this movie. On the contrary, his presence (in almost every scene from the beginning of the movie to the end) grates on your nerves like steel wool. Although I'm sure he was originally intended as comic relief, his clumsy antics aren't the least bit funny; his speech is barely intelligible; his accent and mannerisms are borderline racist (as most who saw the movie can make the connection that Jar Jar is supposed to represent a big dumb Rastafarian); and as a character he is incapable of anything. At least in the first trilogy the "comic relief" had purpose and skill: Chewbacca could fly ships and fight, C3PO could translate, Han Solo could do almost everything, etc. What could Jar Jar do? Nothing!!! Even when he was supposed to "guide" them to the Naboo from the Gungan city , he didn't even pilot the sub! He just sat in the passenger seat and screeched and yelled whenever danger appeared! Lucas now has a golden chance for redemption - leave Jar Jar out of the next two, please. (2) Sub scene - 15 meaningless minutes of fish trying to eat the sub, but getting eaten in the nick of time by bigger fish. Doesn't advance the story in any way. Seems like it was thrown in there for some special effects "oohs" and "ahhs". (3) Trade Federation and Darth Sidious - For various reasons, the leaders of the Trade Federation keep moaning about how they should never have entered into "the deal" with Darth Sidious. What deal? He orders them to do something and they do it!! They expend resources and place themselves at risk but never seem to benefit any from their actions. The story never explained how they entered into this agreement with Sidious in the first place and what they were supposed to gain from it. (4) The "treaty" the Queen is supposed to sign - The story never explains how this treaty with the single planet of Naboo is supposed to benefit the Trade Federation. According to the intro, the Galactic Republic was what levied the taxes on them. How will a treaty with Naboo influence the greater Republic to eliminate the taxes? Naboo is obviously so insignificant to the Republic that even a planetary invasion is ignored. Also why even bother with a treaty at all? You already occupy the planet brainiac!! (5) Jake Lloyd - bad acting. "Searching for Bobby Fischer" and "Jack the Bear" had great child actors. Where did they get this kid from? (6) Anakin leaving his mom - Kid seemed REALLY easy-going for someone who was leaving his only parent (the mother who had raised him all his life) behind to a life a continued slavery. How many 9 year olds (with loving mothers) do you know can do that and not even get misty eyed? Oh yeah and "Bye Threepio!" (7) Jedi Council - what a bunch of idiots! Yoda states that the situation on Naboo is becoming critical. The Federation Army has invaded, hundreds of people are dying and there is a new threat that needs to be investigated (the Sith). Who do they send? The same 2 Jedi who were no match for the situation before and had to flee for their lives!!! The threat is now greater but the response is the same. Aren't there supposed to be thousands of Jedi patrolling the galaxy? You can't pony up a few dozen more to send with them? Or if there all busy, at least there's a dozen or so lounging around in the Council that can get up and go help out! Then they have the nerve to show up at Qui Jon's funeral after they sent him to his death... unbelievable. (8) Good guys casualties - for all that blasting in the Gungan battle, and especially in the Palace battle and the space battle hardly any good guys dropped dead! Hundreds upon hundreds of droids got blown away by these "peaceful-turned-death-ninja-rambo" Naboo Palace Guards, with almost no good guys getting hit. When you saw the Destroyers roll out to fight in the hanger I thought for sure some Naboo guys would catch it. But 4 minutes of blazing away later still no one had gotten hit! Same in later scenes in the hallways and in the space battle. There a dozen or so Naboo fighters take on a swarm of Federation droid fighters and the battleship's laser batteries. Throughout a 20 minute snarling dogfight you only saw one Naboo fighter get blown up! And after the battleship gets destroyed you see practically all of them unscathed, congratulating each other and flying home! And how, when attacking, did they know, of all of the Federation ships in the blockade, which ship was the droid control ship? There's dozens of them and they all look the same! And the Federation had jammed communications and sensors earlier in the movie! (9) Jedi/Sith fight scene was great. Wish it were longer and Darth Maul had survived. (10) Lastly, (and this is a real trivial one I know but...) at the end everyone was gathered pretty close to Qui Jon's funeral pyre. Now I've never had the misfortune of smelling burning human flesh, but from what I've heard it's extremely unpleasant. Maybe the Force makes you smell like grilled chicken.
Put the bad and the good points together and you get a 6 out of 10. The booming special effects require you watch it on the big screen. But the stiff acting, terrible plot, and Jar Jar will make you want to save your next 7 to 9 dollars for something a little more satisfying. Looking forward to the next two but I sincerely hope Lucas learns from the mistakes of this one.