Watch it with the sound down

Rating: 6/10 (24 August 1999)

I will skip a plot summary since the story of this movie is common knowledge.
I enjoyed every minute of this film so long as the characters weren't talking. George Lucas' dialogue is absolutely horrible to listen to. Almost every word is forced, strained, and unnatural. The pod race scene (OK, so it was lifted from BEN HUR, it was still well executed and exciting) is enjoyable for every minute, except for the intrusions of the announcer's voice. The voyage through the liquid interior of the planet is edge-of-your-seat suspense, but the scene is badly damaged by Jar-Jar's droning chatter. By far the best scene in the movie, almost worth the price of admission by itself, is a climactic three-way lightsaber duel, whose effectiveness is due in large part to the fact that it has no dialogue. The initial appearance of the city-planet of Coruscant is breathtaking. It is no accident that Darth Maul is almost everybody's favorite character (including mine); it is because he has almost no lines.
Nor is the script Lucas' only failure. I was shocked at first by the low quality of John Williams' score. I was wondering, can this be the same man who composed the vivacious, ringing melodies of A NEW HOPE, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, SUPERMAN and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, or brought us the mournful violin strains of SCHINDLER'S LIST? Then, when the end credits rolled and I heard the whole theme, I realized that the music wasn't as bad as I had thought; Lucas had just taken the very worst parts of it and used them to score the whole movie. The only scene where the music works at all is the aforementioned lightsaber duel, where the eerie vocals add a great ambience. Lucas also sabotages a climactic land battle scene; the view of massive troop carriers disgorging vast numbers of battle droids marching in lockstep generates no fear or awe, because Lucas has spent the first half of the movie making the battle droids look hopelessly stupid, inept, and amusing.
The acting is mostly disappointing, probably because of the poor script. Liam Neeson, normally an outstanding actor, just sleepwalks through his lines as Qui-Gon. Nathalie Portman gives a schizophrenic performance. As "Queen Amidala" she is pretty good, letting about the right amount of worry and fear for her people seep through her air of calm command. But as "Padme," she is unbearably wooden; her scenes with young Anakin will make you cringe. Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan is simply boring. Jake Lloyd is better than reported as Anakin, but still no great shakes. Ian McDarmid is good as Senator Palpatine, and of course Ray Park is commendably menacing as Darth Maul. There is no point in my heaping further excoriation on Jar-Jar Binks.
I have no problem with escapist action movies: RAIDERS, the original STAR WARS, DIE HARD and the like are among my favorites. Every minute of THE PHANTOM MENACE that involves lightsabers in people's hands is enjoyable. Every minute that lacks action is just boring. And every minute you hear the characters mouthing their stilted, artificial lines is just plain painful. Just rent it, ignore the non-action parts, and settle down for a nice few hours of Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul beating the hell out of everything in their path. And don't turn the sound up except for that cool three-way lightsaber battle.
Rating: ** out of ****.