Jar to the Jar to Bang Da Dang Diggy Diggy

Rating: 7/10 (25 October 2008)

A long, long time ago, in a city far away, I walked into a crowded theater to watch the beginning of the first chapter. Star Wars nerd was I. Ready to be completed and fulfilled, hoping I wasn't going to die before the final movie was projected into my frontal lobe and the saga was finally completed.
Then... say hello to Jar Jark motherf***ing Binks. Okay, I know that the criticism of Jar Jar has been overdone and in October of 2008 their is little else to say about the character most crucified this millennium by pop culture. Maybe he was part of the whole racist thing along with the Trade Federation Asians (Choy-pee-songy!).
Kids aren't great actors so Lil' Anakin Skywalker comes off as unrealistic and rushed. "I'm a great fighter pilot!!!" Riiiiight.... you're freaking nine years old, bro, reeeelax...
Now that it's out of the way, and realizing this movie was meant for kids, I need to say that Liam Niesson was made to play a Jedi. Natalie Portman as Amadala is another bright spot but it also messes with me because she's playing the hottest fourteen year old I've seen in a movie since Dominique Swain wore the Lolita mantle. Early signs a ridiculous love triangle with Anakin and Obi-Wan are set down when Anakin's a freaking nine-year old. I love it.
Darth Maul was a pretty awesome concept of a character if he only was in the movie more than about fourteen minutes. The evil element was thrown so far in the background that it sort lowered the fear factor towards the whole "Sith Lord Comeback" angle which could have been way better.
Damn, the more I talk about this movie the more I realize it could be a rated a ten so easily but the tying of loose ends and the attempt at making it kid friendly really hampered it. Saying that, though, the movie looks so beautiful and to quote Kevin Smith (through a cartoon character lawyer in Clerks: Uncensored) "Objection, your honor. The pod races were pretty cool." How long before a bright edgy film maker takes it upon himself to remake this one. Where's Richard Donner when he's needed? Okay, it gets a seven because it's freaking Star Wars and that's the lowest score I could possibly muster but in the Star Wars scale it's a one. So I have to live with watching this one every time I cycle through George Lucas' masterpiece in chronological order.