Hey, there's always The Matrix

Rating: 1/10 (4 June 1999)

Why I Hated The Phantom Menace (In No particular Order)
1. Stifling CGI-JUB JUB SKINK sucking the life out of every scene. I can't say it better than the Village Voice: "Yoda puts in a cameo, but the film's designated alien is Jar Jar Binks, a rabbit-eared ambulatory lizard whose pidgin English degenerates from pseudo-Caribbean patois to Teletubby gurgle." I should have known this was coming during Lucas' hyper-electro interview on Sixty Minutes when he admitted his love of CGI over anything else a film might do. 2. JUB JUB owing Liam Neeson a life debt? That happens in at least two episodes of Andy Griffith, one episode of the Brady Bunch, and one episode of Gilligan's Island. We've already learned that JUB JUB is inept, a pathetic stepinfetchit (see 19th century views of blacks as sub-human)and the two Jedis will get safely through the planet core in spite of him, but hey, Lucas would lose the center of his CGI canvas if poor JUB JUB is left behind. 3. At least two other ethnic stereotypes besides JUB JUB-the Chow Yun Fat fish face bad guys and the Hook-Nosed Merchant of Tattoine. He doesn't ask for a pound of flesh but inserts a computer-chip into poor Darth Boy. And let's not forget the faux-orientalism of everything else about the film. 4. Why is Naboo's core water instead of molten lava? 5. More amorphous fish things that serve no palpable function except to set up a joke by Liam Neeson. 6. Oskar Schindler with a light saber. Yes, some cultural indicators can't be avoided. 7. An idiotic director enchanted with his own sense that audience appeal (see pre-teens) means potty humor: "Deep doo-doo" and a fart joke. 8. The visual nonsequitur, slipping from landscape to landscape without the slightest sense of purpose for plot, visual connotation, or even metahistory--what Lucas and his legions of droids think he does best. 9. The sheer pointless and life-sucking nature of every landscape. What was the representational point of the New York City planet? The Fifth Element and Heavy Metal have already done it and done it better, because it made use of the city. Here it is just CGI and self-love (or Academy Award love). 10. The de-mythologizing of the simplest of mythologies-Darth Vader as cute and vacuous though mechanically and transcendentally adept youngster. Was I supposed to laugh when the boy said someday he was going to get off that stinkin' planet. And, if he is, genetically, the bad seed, what is his son. And that reminds me. . . 11. Am I supposed to be enchanted or amused with Natalie's Portman's knowing looks that she will, one day, sire Luke and baby sister? Could a child have gotten that? Is a mature adult not supposed to be just embarrassed? And that reminds me of. . . 12. That cute little remark by the Emperor at the end--we'll be keeping our eyes on you young Skywalker. Okay. We get your point. We got your point with all his whisperings in the princess's ear. 13. The Machiavel/Clinton character who gets a vote of no confidence and is swimming in corruption. Yawn. 14. Proto-Christianity. Need I say more? I guess if you have to get religion somewhere the techno-cathedral is as good as any. Darth Vader is Jesus? 15. A chase scene--the Pod Race--designed solely for video game production. Or is it a lame tribute to Ben Hur? Or is it a lame tribute to John Ford?
16. Primitive FishPeople Battle vs. Mechanicals--Primitive EwokPeople vs. Mechanicals 17. I have to shut something down or blow something up to get those darned shields down or shut off those darned go-bots or neutralized that darned spacestation moon thing. 18. Yet another celebration scene. 19. The overall childishness of its eagerness to please both adults and children. 20. Not a scurrilous character in the entire movie. 21. If this movie doesn't explain what a Jedi is, then which one will? 22. Pointless cameos--Jabba (with Jabba the Wife in tow I noticed), Jawas, and Sand Raiders. I liked the Sand raider joke the first time. 23. Another Bantha Fodder insult. 24. Completely silly use of Samuel L. Jackson. Again, who wasn't waiting for him to pop a cap in someone? 25. Consequence free violence and mayhem. We're told people are suffering but what does that mean? 26. Just an all around dull piece of filmmaking.