My! Heart! Will! Go! On!

Rating: Null/10 (9 March 2001)

The Phantom Menace is bad because it's supposed to be all about Darth Vader being played by the bestest actor ever made, Haley Joel Osment, on stilts, impersonating James Earl Jones--and instead most of the running time is taken up by a routine investigation of trade exsqueezonomics by two Jedi who refuse to behave like Han Solo to placate the great unwashed fanbase. Then, when they finally show Darth Vader, who isn't even called Darth Vader and doesn't even wear black and is even shorter than David Prowse and doesn't even kill or torture people, they never do that thing where after the people exit their scene with Darth Vader (here portrayed as Little Fatherless Ani)--the people who we're shown not suspecting that Darth Vader will kill them--that thing where the camera focuses on Darth Vader's evil eyes and he squints like Clint Eastwood and he looks round suspiciously so we in the audience can get that he's evil and stuff. That George Lucas didn't see that he should do this is cause for striking his name from the book of trustworthy directors--forever!
You know, the best movies ever made are really warm and fuzzy and touchy and feely, like doormats. But this movie can't be warm and fuzzy because of the overdone sound effects. This movie has sound effects that would never occur in nature, and are thus Frankensteinian abominations, as evil and unnatural as beef, genetically modified tacos, Esperanto, or printing presses. It's because of these evil sound effects (SFX) that The Phantom Menace is heartless and mechanical and doesn't stir deep bear-like emotions as it would if directed by Cecil B. DeMille on drugs and starring the cast of "Blake's 7" on fire.
It's really really racist and stuff for black people like Jar-Jar Binks to play amphibian buffoons. In the Special Edition, the amphibian buffoon should be played by Han Solo. As far as other pod-racism goes, I think that the Chinese aliens, the Jewish aliens, the Japanese aliens, and the Italian aliens were very racist portrayals indeed, but the Thai aliens and Arabic aliens were acceptably PC.
And Qui-Gon Jinn, de gods do not approob. Obi Wan Kenobi never mentioned Qui-Gon in the original trilogy. George Lucas obviously invented Qui-Gon to sell toys. Being holed up in an isolated ranch these past decades, Lucas has lost his sense of duty, and become greedy, just like robber-barons and other Russians! Maybe George Lucas shouldn't have written his script while watching comedy shows like CNN Headline News. And maybe he should have asked a grown-up (perhaps one of his cinefantastic fans) for help.
This review was not heavyhanded and joyless. It's just that you couldn't appreciate its subtle nuances. In two different colors.