Less Jar Jar, More Darth Darth

Rating: 1/10 (14 June 1999)

I feel taken. There is no kinder way to put that. Preparing to see the prequel to some of the most epic films that have been made, I, along with most of the world, became excited at the prospect of a new chapter in the saga. A new chapter that promised to have both the charm and aura of the old while incorporating the new technology of the day. However, instead of the addition of new digital techniques to the epic story, we have the REPLACEMENT thereof.
Take, for instance, the idea of a completely digital character. In the words of Ian Malcolm, Jeff Goldblum's character in Jurassic Park, "Your scientists were so concerned with whether they could do it that they didn't stop to think if they should do it." Granted, Jar Jar ButtMonkey would have been far less intrusive (say, only as much as a proctological exam) were he not so abrasive and his voice less like the experience of simultaneously chewing aluminum foil and scraping your nails across a blackboard while a band of dwarven accordionists march in clockwise fashion around you playing an atonal interpretational montage of Bette Midler's greatest hits.
As far as the rest of the story goes, yes, the Pod Racing and the Light Sabre fight scenes are impressive, but they are not the story. They are simply moments. What we are left with after that is a weak attempt to recapture the audience that IV, V, and VI enthralled. On point, Lucas dialogue has always been ponderous, at best (revisit some of Princess Leah's lines from the originals if you disagree). In truth, he doesn't fail to return on that promise, but the lines do not come off with the same charm that the first movies held; indeed, how could they when the lines themselves are delivered with two-by-four accuracy? I submit the first scene between Amidala and Anakin in the shop of the slave-keeper. The scene is contrived, and the dialogue hollow. The characters are not talking to each other, they are making speeches at one another. Similarly, the scene that should make even the most ardent supporter of Lucas nod a tired nod of acceptance that, yes, this scene needed work: "I care for you." Any who have seen the movie know the scene I refer to and can hardly deny the malcontrusion of character and story that forced that line from Anakin prematurely in his relationship with Amidala.
I could go on: why try to scientifically explain the ability to use the Force; why demystify what had once been referred to as an "ancient RELIGION"? I don't mind the allegorical reference to the Christ story (anyone who could not see the parallels in the original movies was asleep), but I do not need the thinly vieled reference to mitochondria that serves as the basis for the most potent power in the universe. Just let it be. Let it be felt rather than explained.
My only hope, this film's only saving grace is that it is just a setup for II and III. However, maybe I have already seen II and III and don't know it. Maybe if I use the Lucas Plot-Planner 2000 I can come up with what is going to happen in those films before they are released...
Opening: Sinister scene showing ultimate evil-doers planning their ultimately evil things. Spice With: Chase scene (speeders, pod racers, etc.) Include: Yoda Climax: Light sabre duel (Vader and Obi Wan, Vader and Luke, Obi Wan and Darth Maul) or Death Star of some reincarnation.