The Hologram Nuisance

Rating: Null/10 (27 May 1999)

Sure, I don't own a battery-power light-saber, and I haven't spent any time at a Jedi camp in the summer, but I consider myself a Star Wars fan. When the trailer was introduced, I thought to myself "Wow! this is going to be cool!". Even when the critics slammed the movie, I said to myself " how bad could it be - it's a Star Wars movie!". Unless you're a person who camped outside a theatre and have to convince yourself you saw a good movie in order to justify the time you wasted, chances are you will leave the theatre disappointed. Where to begin? No plot? One-dimensional characters? Irritating Characters? This movie has them all, in spades.
While many will brag about the special effects in the movie, I still think that computer technology has a little way to go before the computer generated creature are as good as the models used in parts iv - vi. Jabba the Hut does not look nearly as menancing as a cartoon as he did as a slimy real-life creature. While the 'droid army was quite well done, the other characters looked like a Saturday morning cartoon show.
Perhaps the worst aspect of this movie was this character named Ja Ja Binks. Although he was supposed to be funny, his role single handedly ruined the movie. A cross between Roger Rabbit, a garden slug and Buckwheat from the "Little Rascals", this computer generated character should have been left on the editting room floor (at once point he gets his hand stuck in a engine and I was secretly hoping he couldn't get it out before it started - it would have simultaneously eliminated an annoying character and added some much needed drama to the movie). I actually was praying for the return of
the Ewoks!!!!!! (Nothing better than a group of stone-age teddy bears that can defeat a modern army that has terrorized the galaxy for decades). Where were the bad guys? Vader went aroung killing rebels and Imperial Officers alike, risking his fleet in his obsessive quest for Skywalker and his friends. I mean, you loved to hate this guy! The Phantom Menance became the "Hologram Nuisance" and the admittedly cool-looking Darth Maul was only a two-bit stooge. They should have had him beat-up Yoda or kill a whole planet of Ewoks at the start so at least you developed a hate for this guy!
Perhaps as annoying was the blatant manner in which the story was tied to the first trilogy. Case in point: the entrance of R2-D2 ("He saved the ship! Let's praise the robot! He is so very good! What is his name? He will go on to great things!") When is the last time you got a Queen to praise the "Microsoft Scan Disk" program that fixes your computer after a crash? And how come Obi Wan Kennobi doesn't recognize R2 D2 in Star Wars IV after it saved his ship in TPM. ("I don't recall owning a droid before --- you remember the ones that saved yourlife, and the universe -- OH YEAH! THOSE "DROIDS"!)
And of course the lack of emotion was appalling: Anakin leaving his mother at the drop of a hat, Obi Wan's response to the death of his master (presumably who he and spent years with)
Obi Wan: Master don't die!
Master: Look after the boy, (cough, weeze)........
Obi Wan: Okay....
With the exception of the final duel, this movie was forgettable. Where is the mystery and darkness that accompanied the Empire Strikes Back? In a nutshell, you felt bad for Luke losing a duel to Vader and Han Solo being imprisoned in Carbonite in the original trilogy and now you pray for Ja Ja to get sucked into the engine. The most interesting thing was the stunned silence of disappointment in the theatre. Everybody was speechless......