Star Woes: Episode I- The Phantom Malaise

Rating: Null/10 (9 May 2002)

First off, I'm a fan of the original "Star Wars" trilogy, so I'm not some jerk who just hates everything about it and is just engaging in a rant about the new one. "Episode I," however, is a different story. The first time I watched it, I knew there were big problems, and with subsequent viewings--including the Fox broadcast just last night--I felt compelled to lay down my thoughts about why I disliked it. I don't want to be just some inarticulate naysayer; I want to give real reasons and justification, not to make people angry, but explain WHY. With that said, on with the show. P.S. I don't think I have included any spoilers, except for people who've closed their eyes and covered their ears to the first three films and the ads for the movies.
We'll start with the cornball humor and its greatest avatar in the film, Jar Jar Binks. Decked out looking kinda like a snail with dreadlocks, Ahmed Best is at his worst as he makes three-year-olds titter and most others shake their heads. In the first trilogy, the comic relief was mostly from C3PO and his interactions with the characters, especially R2D2. I NEVER feel embarrassed watching the films as an adult when he's on the screen. However, Jar Jar is in a class of @$$ all his own, spewing Stephanie Tanner one-liners like "How rude!" when he should be saying "Meesa bad character!" C'mon, the Ewoks were NEVER this bad.
But Jar Jar is not alone in the insanely lame-o humor. Mr. Lucas includes the Godawful two-headed Pod Race Announcer, whose silly voice destroys a good measure of the film's credibility. Boss Nass' lip-vibrating gurgles are equally nauseating, as well as all the lines Anakin employs in his starship ride, thrown in, I'm sure, to be "cute." And no one, I mean NO ONE, should call ever Anakin "Annie" unless he's wearin a flippin' curly orange wig and saying "Leapin' lizards!" Watto, too, was misappropriate, the tubby flying alien nothing more than another excuse for Lucas to show how much money he has. "If this is torture, fire me from the feelm!"
Next were the special effects. I'm not saying they were bad--actually, far from it. The problem was, they were EVERYWHERE. Now before you discount me as some neophobe, opposed to technology, I'll tell you what I mean. The original trilogy had great special effects for their time, effects that still hold up today. But they didn't inundate EVERY single second of EVERY single scene. When they did occur, they were SPECIAL. But in "Episode I," EVERYTHING is a special effect. You can't have Obi-Wan tie his shoe without at least 10 CGI shots in the frame at all times. The Gungans live in a city that looks like God's chandelier, and they live on Naboo, a dinky little world in a far corner of the universe, in a SWAMP. George Lucas must have known his first trilogy couldn't jibe with the elaborately effects-laden flick he had in store, urging him to mangle them into those "Special Editions" where not but confusing and, actually, detrimental footage was added. Sy Snootles' song in "Return of the Jedi" is not only pointless, it made a once good film embarrassing. Making Greedo shoot first in "A New Hope" was just bewildering, and giving the Sarlacc in "Jedi" a beak just looked silly. In his lust for luster, Lucas constantly reinvented the phrase "gilding the lily."
The acting, of course, cannot be overlooked. I know, as another commentor put it, that the "Star Wars" are not supposed to have Oscar-caliber acting. But the original trilogy's acting, even at its worst, wasn't really bad at all. Han Solo's devil-may-care lack of emotion fit his character, and I never cringed when look whined about being unable to go "pick up some power convertors." Despite the big talents brought into "Phantom Menace," though, you have to agree after watching it that acting was secondary. Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan dealt quite stoically and dryly with almost being murderer and discovering Anakin's potential, and Samuel L. Jackson's Mace Windu's only emotion ever shown was exhausted disdain for testing Anakin. Jake Lloyd as Anakin was especially awful, his "whoo-hoo!"s and "this is tense!"s lacking any real emotion. "I'm not slave! My name is Anakin!", his indignant insisting to Padme, was delivered poorly as well. I know he's a kid, but he's also being paid to be an ACTOR.
Ewan MacGregor as Obi-Wan wasn't much better. Like Liam Neeson he seemed to, as my friend calls it, been "resting on his laurels." People know he's a good actor, so he just decided to let the "Star Wars" name and effects carry the picture, spending most of his screen time either in either tight-lipped neutrality or tight-lipped disapproval until his smoldering rage near the end. Top draws on worst actor, though, must go to Natalie Portman, who for some reason absorbed an English accent to play utter ice-princess Queen Amidala. It was incredible! Amidala had only two moods: indifferent, and LETHARGICALLY indifferent. "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee. I guess I care."

A few plotholes also appeared in "Phantom Menace." In "Empire Strikes Back," the spirit of Obi-Wan mentions that Yoda trained him. I guess George fast-forwarded through that part, though, because in "Menace" it is Qui-Gonn Jinn who serves as his dashing mentor. Oops. And how about these "midi-chlorians" that represent the Force were also a silly plot device. No mention of them that I could remember occured in the original trilogy, and the fact that such an ethereal power as the Force is linked to little microscopic organisms ruined some of the awe and mystic surrounding the Force.
While not really a plot hole, it was also strange that the Jedi Counsel of Coruscant were such cold jerks to Anakin and Qui-Gonn, wasn't it? I mean Yoda said that the Force binds and penetrates all the universe, that it is the Jedi's guide and a benevolent kind of ubiquitous energy. But the Jedi Counsel seem more bound to sitting in his comfy chairs and sanctimoniously crushing the hopes of potential candidates for knighthood. If they're so wise and good, why do they act like exasperated cranks? No wonder Vader wipes them out. And what about Obi-Wan's angry outburst near the end? I thought that was the path to the Dark Side.
A few parting gripes are the silly as heck Amidala costumes that no one else on her planet seems to emulate in the least, the fact that there are barely any real fights save the end one, the stupid accents for every aliens (those Trade Federation guys-arggh!), and the superfluously ludicrous names of some of the characters. I can accept "Luke Skywalker," "Bibs Fortuna," and even "Lando Calrissian," but in "Episode I" it seemed like George was just trying to ten-up himself. I mean "Ki-Adi-Mundi"? "Rune Haako"? "Nute Gunray"? How long until "Episode II" introduces Okie-From-Muskogie and Sqwilo Toothflake?
Once again, I don't want to anger anyone, but merely express my disdain with the film in a reasonable light.