Star Wars: Episode I - The Ersatz Menace

Rating: 4/10 (8 June 2004)

The Ersatz Menace
I don't even know where to begin. For starters, even if this movie existed in a vacuum (w/ no relation to the original trilogy), it would still suck. I'm sorry: it's an out and out poor film. When judged as a member of the Star Wars pantheon, it becomes totally abysmal. It's as if Lucas decided to get rid of everything that was magical and wonderful about the first trilogy, and replace it with the most unimaginative feculence he could conjure up. I'm serious.. it's like he purposefully tried to make the worst prequel he could. I can't think of any other reason that would bring about this suppurating carbuncle of a movie.
What's wrong with the movie? For starters, this is a kids movie. It was made for kids. Those of us who grew up with the original series are totally left by the wayside. Ostensibly, Lucas wants to tap into the disposable income of prepubescent consumers -- they'll buy more Jar Jar Binks paraphernalia than those of us in our 30s and 40s. While that might make good business sense, it doesn't really make for a good movie. Contrast that with the original Star Wars, or Empire Strikes Back -- they were gritty, and darkly ominous. There was nothing cute -- for the sake of being cute (and selling toys) -- until we reach the end of Return of the Jedi (where, unbelievably, a race of upright hamsters (ewoks), using neolithic technology, somehow manages to defeat battle-hardened, particle beam weapon toting, Imperial Stormtroopers. If stunted hirsute humanoids, using stone age weaponry, can defeat Imperial soldiers, how the heck did the Empire come to exist in the first place?!). Back to my point: basically, you don't have to make a "kids movie" to appeal to kids -- you more than proved that with A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back.
The pacing in this movie is so hurried. It's like Lucas felt the need to cram as much stuff into the allotted run-time as possible. We never get a chance to sit back and appreciate our surroundings, or learn much about the characters (beyond the purely superficial). We just zip from one scene to the next.
Jar Jar Binks: Quite possibly the worst character ever put to celluloid. I've got a tip for anyone making a movie: if you're going to have a character who is blatantly nothing more than comic relief, it would help if the character was actually funny -- as opposed to being downright annoying.
Jake Lloyd was terrible as young Annikan. I don't care if he's a kid... I've seen child actors who are light years better than Mr. Lloyd. Also, what's the deal with Annikan "accidentally" blowing up that Imperial capital ship? Apparently, the Rebels should begin heavily recruiting precocious nine year olds -- apparently the empire has no defense against attacks that are simultaneously "cute" and "goofy".
I could go on forever about how disappointing this movie is -- but I'll stop here. There was one highlight of this movie: Darth Maul. He was, seriously, the only character that I liked. Unfortunately, he only enjoys maybe 15 minutes screen time, and then he's summarily killed at the end. Too bad.
My rating: 3/10.