Manages to wring all that's good out of the Star Wars universe.

Rating: 1/10 (12 February 2012)

fans say, the original trilogy are not the best films ever made. Their faults are numerous and have been the butt of many jokes in shows such as 'Family Guy'. Lucas' success was creating a fully immersive universe full of iconic characters that allow us to escape reality. So when he announced that the prequels were being made, excitement was off the scale. I remember sitting waiting for the curtain to go up for 'The Phantom Menace' when it was released in 1999 and bursting with expectation. Then I remember the crushing disappointment that followed as the horror unfolded on screen. Back to 2012. 'The Phantom Menace' is re-released in 3D. Do I A) Remember how bad it is and avoid? Or B) Part with some hard earned cash to make George a little bit richer? Those who went for 'B' give yourselves a gold star. From the start, boredom reigns supreme. The introductory scrolling text is about taxation of trade routes and a blockade by 'The Trade Federation'. Who needs Rebel Alliances or Galactic Empires when you can base a plot around trade disputes! Much of the film is bogged down in tedious political plots and manoeuvring. What action there is centres around the Jedi Qui Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) as they battle the Droid army of the Trade Federation. Unlike Storm Troopers, the Droids make terrible bad guys. Sure, Storm Troopers are pretty useless but the Droids make them look like the S.A.S. Not only do the standard Battle Droids look like Games Workshop rejects but they offer all the resistance of a wet paper bag. You never feel they're a genuine threat. Their limited dialogue is meant to be humorous but instead makes them seem completely stupid. Why would somebody design an army of robots, spend billions on constructing it only to make them as effective as 'The Three Stooges'? Darth Maul, the Dark Jedi who takes on the heroes, finally brings some credibility to proceedings but it is too little too late. He is the only colour in a mire of drab characters. Unfortunately the other stand out is Jar Jar Binks. So much bile and hatred has been written about him over the years (and rightly so), that all I'll say is 'Worst movie decision ever'. Anakin Skywalker (A.K.A. a young Darth Vader) falls into the category of 'annoying movie brat'. His infatuation with the teenage Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman), which is central to the plot of the prequels, is messed up as the age gap between them is so great. Oh, and get this. Anakin Skywalker built C3 P0. To provide more of a link with the original trilogy, Lucas decides to provide us with the back stories of not only C3 P0 but R2 D2 as well. This truly jumps the shark. We also get more explanation about The Force. Jedi can harness it due to having a high count of midi-chlorians in their blood – microscopic organisms that allow them to connect with the force. The higher their midi-chlorian count; the stronger the Jedi. So instead of being a mystical field of energy that unites all living things, a metaphysical and ubiquitous power, The Force is reduced to the status of a virus. How were the Jedi wiped out? Someone prescribed them Tamiflu. Ridiculousness reaches new levels when we learn that Anakin Skywalker was 'immaculately conceived' by the midi-chlorians. By now fans are starting to get seriously hacked off. Another noteworthy happening is during the underwater journey from Gungan City to save Queen Amidala (who was apparently elected to server her people, surely a first for royalty) from the Trade Federation invasion. Qui Gon and Obi Wan's craft is caught by a giant predator, only to be saved when the attacker is snapped up by a bigger creature. Five minutes or so later, exactly the same thing happens again. I'm not kidding, it's like the film was made by a five year old; 'Again Daddy, do it again'. Dialogue is horrendous throughout, especially that given to Trade Federation characters. We know Lucas can't write dialogue worth toffee from the earlier Star Wars movies, but he hits a new low here. Even Liam Neeson can't make bring it to life, which is saying something. Acting is equally cringe worthy. The CGI characters give the same level of performance as the humans. 'The Phantom Menace' reveals George Lucas as the hack who got lucky he really is. If he'd released this instead of 'A New Hope' back in 1978 the franchise would have sunk without a trace. Of course, then we'd have to believe that he had all six movies mapped out from the beginning, which I don't. How could he have got things so wrong? Possibly because nobody at the studio says 'No' to him. All his ideas are assumed to be guaranteed money spinners and are green-lighted automatically. There's so much fiction set in the Star Wars universe; both published and fan. It would have been so easy to get a writer or two with the knowledge and love of the series to construct a decent plot. Unfortunately Lucas is given God-like control over proceedings. He might as well have urinated on the fans whilst stealing their wallets. Re-releasing 'The Phantom Menace' in 3D can only be seen as a cynical ploy to increase his personal fortune. As it wasn't filmed with 3D in mind it has been post rendered which makes the whole thing a pointless exercise. I hear by solemnly swear that I will never, ever, watch 'The Phantom Menace' again.