Star Trek: Into Parody

Rating: 6/10 (21 August 2013)

Well, I did enjoy it for the most part, but it is a far paler shadow of even its predecessor, much less the old Trek films. Because this movie was at times grimace inducing or caused groans of pain (from me beating my head against the seat in front of me), I cannot in good faith give a serious review of it. And, since it's been a long time since I did one of these, here it comes...
Things I learned from this movie which make no sense whatsoever...
1. Cold fusion devices really are cold. Cold enough to freeze a volcano!
2. Water literally just offshore is more than deep enough to hide an entire starship!
3. Old Spock is now the "We don't know what to do, so we'll call him!" guy.
4. Khan is so skilled at everything that he can manage to design and build super photon torpedoes and then manage to squirrel away his entire crew of frozen supermen inside them, and nobody ever notices the corpsicles are missing from wherever they were being stored!
5. The new Klingons are pussies.
6. Sound only exists in a vacuum if its dramatically necessary.
7. Gigantic crashing starships displace no air as they fall.
In addition, here's a handy checklist of previous Trek lore that Abrams felt it was important to include. I can only presume that these were included so that people would remember they were supposedly watching a Star Trek movie and not some hokey sci-fi space actioner riffing on it.
1. Old Spock in movie? Check!
2. Destroyed Klingon moon Praxis? Check!
3. The needs of the many...yada, yada...? Check!
4. Reference to Harry Mudd? Check!
5. Tribble? Check!
6. KHAAAAAAN!? Check!
These items are most important, because otherwise you will wonder whether you are watching a Star Trek movie.
You know, I was quite excited when I heard Abrams was doing the new Star Wars movie. But now I'm dreading it. He needs to ditch his Larry, Mo and Curly writing team for a start. Those stooges are seriously dragging him down. I don't think they've had an original idea in years and its painful to watch anything they've written these days. J.J., take a chance on a new scriptwriter, please! The Yuk-yuk brothers aren't doing you any favours.
Back to Star Trek Into Darkness...
No, it isn't that good. Eye candy and explosions, sometimes hard to see due to the overuse of the trademark Abram's lens-flare. Physics that makes no sense and a plot that was hacked up (furball-like!) in a short time indeed.
The only real creativity in this movie are the designs of the CGI artists, prop makers and costume departments.
SUMMARY: Give your five year old kid a cup of strong coffee and hand him a model of the Enterprise. I guarantee he'll be more entertaining to watch, but not as manic or hyperactive as this film. Overdone, Under-scripted and weak in comparison to every Star Trek movie before it. Older fans of the franchise might be better off just watching The Wrath of Khan instead. At least there the main complaint is simple overacting.
FINAL THOUGHT: If starships can land on planets, what the hell are the shuttlecraft for?