Kirk's long adventure to find love.

Rating: 4/10 (17 March 2015)

So, this one goes about an oily foreheaded guy who lives in the future and is looking for some love. How do we know he lives in the future? Because they serve spherical ice cubes on your drink, instead of cubic ones like in the present. You know, is those little details that let you know the director of a film has actually traveled in time. How do we know he is looking for love? Well, he's single but he keeps on falling in love with all kinds of people.
At the beginning he is madly in love with an old man that reprimands him, so we can assume Kirk is trying some weird old-man S&M stuff, sadly we do not get to see any of this because this old dude gets killed really soon, Kirk cries realizing he has lost his chance at tasting sweet sweet wrinkly love. He is angry and jealous of the weird guy that practiced some voodoo magic on his dying love by touching him on the face. Kirk starts to wonder if this Volcano Spork is perhaps a guy he could date, but for the moment being they will be just friends and see where that leads them.
In one scene two cats are in his bed but he decides all of a sudden he's not into feline love (he clearly remembers what happened with frog chick in the first film). He then sees a half-naked senorita but this does not tickle his love bone, so he decides to move on.
He also has a lover's quarrel with a guy that speaks like a Braveheart extra, the problem is that this porridge wog is in a relationship with an oyster, they debate and Kirk tries to harass him in his workplace so the weegie decides to leave.
Kirk then stalks an exotic looking man called Gengis who moved to the Galaxy's ghetto, Kronos. He chases him and then puts him in a glass jail. Gengis is very upset because he is in love with like 78 or 134 lads and lassies trapped in some phallic shaped missiles.
Then ex-Robocop appears and all hell breaks loose because he believes Kirk and Gengis are fighting over his daughter, when in fact no one is paying attention to this half-baked horny-teenager-bait of a character.
At the end Kirk dies of radioactive love while confessing his love to Volcano, who cries and desperately shouts "Can't!!!". I guess he was trying to say "Can't let my love die". That's the only way I can make sense of that scene.
Kirk wakes up at the hospital, so he didn't really die. This film is more like a Sleeping Beauty in space, Volcano being the handsome prince. At the end they go on a 5 year holiday to space Jamaica to practice some voodoo techniques of their own.
All the people seems to have a K in their name: Kirk, Spock, Pike, Chekov, Khan. So it's OK if you name your children Clock or Funk or Kerchoo to get the ball rolling on weird K-including names.