Oh! The Pain! The Pain!

Rating: 1/10 (20 June 2009)

As an old trekkie, I had to go see this. Now I want the wasted two hours of my life back.
The movie is pretty much what I should have expected from J.J.Abrams. In "Alias" he demonstrated that he doesn't care whether a plot development is implausible, absurd, or just plain stupid, just as long as it moves the plot forward in flashy and dramatic way. In order to "re-imagine" the entire Star Trek franchise without pissing off nitpicking trekkies, Abrams has invented a clumsy time-travel branching-reality premise that gives him license to re-invent everything. In the process, all the thoughtful storytelling has been replaced by brainless, noisy action (the sound effects people seem particularly proud of a really nasty "bang" effect) accompanied by mayhem and melodrama that's almost pornographic. (Near the beginning, a screaming woman is sucked into the vacuum of space, while a key character is born under the most corny circumstances possible.) Worst of all, the key relationship of the original TV show -- two-fisted Kirk, sternly logical Spock, passionate McCoy -- has been replaced by a trio of one-dimensional action heroes. Kirk is now a brainless, wise-cracking delinquent who ends up in command of a starship through plot developments that Ed Wood would shake his head at. Spock is now a neurotic dweeb who occasionally spouts vulcanish clichés. And McCoy has been demoted to miscellaneous sidekick, replaced by Uhura, whose main role in this trio is to turn it into a love triangle!
On the bright side, I'm finally, *finally* over the cancellation of a certain TV series!