A joke of a Star Trek movie, and a joke of a movie in general

Rating: 1/10 (20 May 2013)

It was bad from the opening scene. The ship just HAPPENS to come out of warp about 100 feet from the enemy ship, just as the wife HAPPENS to be giving birth? Kirk just HAPPENS to get marooned on that exact ice planet, right near future Spock's cave? Scotty just HAPPENS to be in walking distance, too? In the climax, The Romulans just HAPPEN to fire that drill right next to the Golden Gate Bridge for all of Star Fleet to see and inexplicably run toward (not away from) like it's an ice cream truck? The Enterprise could barely escape the black hole at warp speed, but somehow, immediately next to it, Earth is left untouched? In the future, everyone is going to talk and act like a kid from 2009, even in the military, complete with clichéd teen angst? By the time teenager Kirk was handed the ship at the end, which made zero sense whatsoever, I was laughing out loud.
I could go on. There was zero imagination or vision. There was no deeper meaning or morality tale like what made Star Trek, Star Trek. If Gene Roddenberry wasn't already dead, this would probably have done him in. Was there some bet between producers on how many Star Trek catchphrases they could shoehorn in? It was like a parody at times. The only good character was Dr. McCoy, that kid nailed it.
The only thing that kept it from being a complete waste of time was Zoe Saldana's looks.