Abrams' Trek 1: Nero Fiddled while Trek Burned

Rating: 2/10 (26 January 2020)

Good grief. J. J. Abrams' attempt to reinvigorate one of the most beloved IPs in science fiction brings us "Star Trek," a film bearing so little resemblance to the classic series that, frankly, giving it the title should be a sin. Upon release, the film was praised by fans and critics alike for breathing fresh life into a series long considered stale. To this day that positive reception baffles me. This film is a thorough wreck, with plotting and characterization so absurd they'd be embarrassments even without that lofty pedigree.
Star Trek has long been known for its more cerebral approach to sci-fi. While the series contained its share of fight scenes, it preferred brainpower to firepower when addressing the complex sociopolitical and scientific conflicts its heroes encountered. Abrams makes no attempt to give his reboot any intellectual credit at all, opting instead for flashy, adrenaline-pumping action spectacle and a rainbow of explosions to enthrall modern, millennial audiences. I'm still not convinced that Michael Bay didn't secretly direct this. "Breathing fresh life" apparently means turning the once thought-provoking franchise into yet another special effects extravaganza to rival Transformers. Star Trek 09 is filled to bursting with sex and explosions, strung together by a ratty plot that boldly pushes disbelief where no one has pushed it before.
In an "alternate timeline" story, a rogue Romulan named Nero launches a genocidal campaign across the Federation, destroying planets by injecting "red matter" (exotic goop that creates black holes) into their cores. Why is he doing this? Apparently, in the future Nero hails from, Romulus was destroyed by a supernova, and Spock, the only being who tried to stop it, was too late to do so. His attempt to suck up the supernova with red matter instead created a wormhole that sent both himself and Nero into the past. And so Nero vowed revenge against Spock, destroying Vulcan in the past as punishment for his failure. This is monumentally idiotic. How did the Romulans, a powerful spacefaring people, lack the resources to save their capital from this supernova, or at least evacuate it? Why was Spock the only being in the galaxy who cared to help them? How was a black hole, of all things, supposed to save the day? Isn't that replacing one threat with an even more dire one? If it only takes one drop of red matter to create a black hole, why was Spock lugging gallons of the gunk around? And why did Nero vow revenge on the only guy who tried to help?
Anyway, upon jumping back in time, Nero destroys the USS Kelvin, killing Kirk's father. This dramatically alters Kirk's upbringing, and he grows into a rebellious hot-head who spends time picking up women and brawling in bars. It's clear that the time-travel plot device was just an excuse to replace the classic characters with totally new personalities. The deep, intellectual camaraderie of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy was simply too alienating for modern audiences (or, maybe, too hard for these writers?), so just replace it with something more accessible: dashing action heroes who fight big, snarling bad guys with lasers and fistfights. None of the characters resemble their namesakes. James T. Kirk is now a reckless deadbeat, stowing away aboard the Enterprise and provoking fights with superior officers. Spock, once the famous logician, is the most emotionally unstable character in the film. Uhura is rewritten to be more abrasive, and given a much more prominent role. I guess they were going for "girl power" with this, but what's the point when ultimately she's nothing more than a love interest for Spock? Yes, Spock and Uhura are romantically involved, and they have a make-out scene. Are you sure Michael Bay didn't direct this?
Why does this film consider logic its enemy? Even a modicum of thought liquefies the plot. Black holes send ships back in time when the story needs them to, and then behave normally when it doesn't. Sulu claims he has studied fencing, yet when the time comes to fight, he pulls out a katana. I'm not against replacing Sulu's classic rapier, but for Roddenberry's sake, you don't fence with a KATANA! Nero's vessel is supposed to be a "mining ship," and yet it's more heavily armed than the entire Federation fleet combined! Why does Nero have to drill into a planet's core before using his red matter? A black hole will be just as devastating on the planet's surface! Why does Nero's hundred-mile long drilling cable have to be fully extended to function? Is it just so we can have Kirk and company dive those hundred miles through the atmosphere to disable the drill? Why must spectacle come at the expense of logic? Can't a scene be gripping AND make sense simultaneously? Classic Trek could do it! What's this film's excuse?
Obviously Paramount wanted to make a "Star Trek" movie because they knew the title came with a pre-established fanbase. But if you're not going to adhere to "Star Trek" standards, why bother? You'll end up not only alienating the old-school fans, but enraging them when they see how much you've befouled the series they've loved for so many years. And the newcomers who aren't familiar with Trek won't be attracted by the brand name, because it's meaningless to them. Don't bother bringing "Star Trek" into this at all; just launch a new IP! Call it "Black Hole Burnout: Episode I" or something, and then you can do whatever you want with it, without worrying about lamentations from Trekkies like me!
I suppose I'm expected to turn my brain off for this one. I'm not against turning my brain off in principle, but for STAR TREK I expect better. This series always took itself seriously, tackling hard questions with intelligent characters and inviting you, the viewer, to engage your brain along with them. I guess modern writers think that the only way to cater to modern audiences is to dumb the franchise down to the level of all the other big, dumb action spectacles out there. The problem is that now "Star Trek" is just another big, dumb action spectacle. It doesn't stand out anymore. I may as well go see what Michael Bay's cooked up instead.