Laws of Gravity....

Rating: 1/10 (1 October 2011)

...in Hollywood: when you fail, you fall upwards.
Example: J.J. Abrams. I claim that J.J. is a rather untalented movie maker with no sense of cinematography whatsoever. He is a kind of Movie-DJ, putting together samples of ideas (mostly not his own ones...)from other sources, creating an easy to consume industry product. Surely, at first there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he can justify this way by making a lot of money.
Star Trek over the decades has became a cultural phenomenon, a whole universe of its own ideas, moral standards and way of proclaiming a bright future of mankind. For Roddenberry, Star trek was a vision of a way of live.
For J.J this vision is reduced to cool dudes and hot chicks on warp speed. The story of this movie is a patchwork of pieces.
We have a psychopathic villain with a father complex who lives with only a dozen crew members or so, in a gigantic space-ship (this ship has an insane amount of just empty space in it), where you have artificial gravity and a lot of slippery gangways and platforms with no railing. If you slip, you will fall to death hundreds of meters towards the gravity generator.
Anyway, the ship looks like a space incarnation of a Transylvania Vampire castle. The villain, how do we impersonate him... there he is, the Khan-villain, who does all the dirty work himself: putting little creatures into the body of hostages so that these poor fellows have to tell the truth. Never seen before, *cough*cough*, because this familiar looking species is NOT from Alpha Ceti V!
We have ice-planets with hairy monsters, suddenly eaten by bigger monsters. For everyone who never heard or saw anything of Star Wars, all this might have been a real surprise. The bigger snow-monster though is naked, who knows what that means?!If you want to get on an ice-planet for free, just to have cool mindless adventures with those kind of creatures, p* off your commanding officer of the Enterprise.
But p* him off at the very right time, otherwise the two snow-monsters wouldn't be there to chase you into a cave where Ol'Spock is already waiting for you and the plot could not go on then. I could bet, that J.J. was using some 'force' here to bring Kirk and Spock together so fatefully.
The bridge, or should i say, the i-Bridge of the Enterprise looked like an Apple-Store in heaven or so, arrrgh those bright lights...! Probably this bridge was designed as a plug to entertain the crew and not to bother them with technical, how-to-fly-a-spacecraft-nonsense.
The machine rooms were also very special: huge rooms, with a lot of empty and wasted space. Who cares, that the Enterprise could have been a third of its size without those machine rooms? (Yes, we know, that in future there will be no money and nobody has to pay for such design flaws). And we see a lot of huge as radioactive labeled oil-tanks with 20th century rotary valves. And there is some other cool stuff in the movie: lens flares! Woohoo! Yeah! Wow! Obviously this was J.J's. new toy! But for f* sake: You do not have to use them on every single screen shot, on every single light source! This is NO NOT cool anymore J.J! Thank God that J.J. already had his handshake-camera orgasm experience when he did Cloverfield. So this time, (yes we still have shaking cam here) it was quite moderate, for J.J.!
Genuineness at it's top, J.J. gave us something really never seen before: red, yes, not dark, not black, red (!) matter. So, what to do with red matter? Red matter, used correctly, creates, strange enough, black holes(!) and not as expected, the much more dangerous red ones. Rule 1: red matter placed INSIDE an empty (drilled before)space of an object generates a black black hole. Rule 2: red matter placed OUTSIDE somewhere in empty space generates a portal for time traveling. Rule 3: red matter placed OUTSIDE somewhere in empty space generates SOMETIMES a black hole too (hopefully only at the end of the movie, when it is convenient to kill the villain with his space-ship)
The character development and cast,... Power-Rangers in Space!
with personalities of a spoiled 13 year old doing their thing, hey, f* team play, f* the star fleet, yo! Best scene to show how J.J. wants to draw these characters: cool dude Kirk smacking eating an apple while cheating the Kobayashi Maru test. Brilliant J.J!
The drill scene: Sulu has NO phaser, Kirk has one BUT does not want to use it. So Sulu starts fighting with a sword, Kirk with his hands and feeds. Suddenly Kirk has the idea of using his phaser, but it got kicked immediately out of his hands. The third guy (probably with a phaser) got killed for the sake of convenience. ALL are wearing DIFFERENT colored suits, so that the stupidest retards can keep them apart. Now, that Kirk and Sucklu have NO phasers, they have to capture one from the enemies they have been fighting to make the drill kaput. Learning: You cannot destroy a gigantic drill with a sword! Aha!
The crew is also cool and stupid as sh*t: Uhura, the hot chocolate Ranger, Sulu, the ninja Ranger, Chekov, the Rump...er Russian Ranger, Scotty, the mechanist Ranger, Bones, the funny doctor Ranger and Spock, the horny nerd Ranger. This is what i call a Franchise reboot! Power Rangers Transform!!!! Where are the action figures, J.J?
Thanks Paramount, BTW, for betraying Gene's vision on the altar of commerce. Franchise fatigue is one thing for justifying a reboot of the Star Trek universe. But having done this by Jar Jar Abrams is complete insult to the non idiotic audience, if there is any.