A Soulless, Hollow, Stakeless Toy Commercial, The Worst Spider-Man Film Ever

Rating: 2/10 (16 December 2018)

With the recent release of Into the Spider-Verse, I couldn't think of a better time to vent my feelings about this terrible, terrible superhero film. Spider-Man: Homecoming is horrendous. It's a disgrace, It's an insult to everything that made me fall in love with the character of Spider-Man. Calling it a "movie" would be generous; it's a soulless product designed to sell Spider-Man toys and hype up future films. It is Marvel's Batman & Robin; a pandering toy commercial without the slightest semblance of a heart or genuine creative vision.
Tom Holland's performance is actually solid. I REALLY hated his acting in Civil War, but it was convincing here. I still think Nat Wolff would have been a better pick for a young Peter Parker, but Holland definitely does the best he can. Michael Keaton's Vulture is one of the MCU's best villains.He's sympathetic, he's charming, he's scary, I understood and felt for his motives. And he gets EASILY the best dialogue in the whole film. Zendaya is genuinely really funny in this film. I noticed she acted a lot more like Ultimate Gwen Stacy than Mary Jane, but you won't hear me complaining about that. It's also worth noting that Spider-Man's costume is the best he's ever had in a live action movie. It's a really cool combination of Spectacular and Alex Ross Spider-Man. As a massive fan of both, I really appreciated it. Hell, even the homemade costume he makes later on in the movie was pretty cool. It still resembles the Friendly Neighborhood Webslinger we all know and love, but has the charm of a homemade costume. It reminded me of a teenager's first cosplay and I mean that in the best possible way. Also, I thought the found footage scene at the beginning was actually really cool and fit in perfectly with the Spider-Man character. I wouldn't even be opposed to a whole movie done in this style.
This film has absolutely no emotional stakes. And no, when I say "no emotional stakes", that doesn't mean I need the destruction of New York to be at stake. Ant-Man, Daredevil: Director's Cut, Unbreakable, Logan, Ang Lee's Hulk, none of these films had apocalyptic stakes attached to them. What they did, however, was a hero with something to lose. Something to fight for that's worth investing for as an audience member. Even Spawn, as much talk as there is of Armageddon and international, has very grounded and human emotional stakes in Spawn having to save, and ultimately let go, of his wife. Why should I give a damn if Spider-Man can't stop The Vulture? Because a couple of criminals will get their hands on alien weapons they probably won't even know how to use? Great, Iron Man could clean that up in an afternoon.
I'm not sure who this annoying, pretentious jackass that dresses up in a red and blue costume is, but he sure as Hell isn't Spider-Man or Peter Parker. As Spider-Man, he consistently ignores any attempt to try and talk down The Vulture and appeal to his humanity, even when he knows he's just doing what he's doing to provide for his kid. As Peter, he constantly breaks promises with no consequence until the very end. Even then it's underwhelming; a crush that he barely talked too doesn't like him anymore. Compare that to previous Spider-Man films where his irresponsibility has led to the crumbling of relationships with his loved ones, if not their deaths.
I have no idea what the Hell they were thinking when they casted Tony Revolori as Flash Thompson. It was a terrible, dumbfounding idea from the start that was executed just as bad as I thought it would be. This kid is in no way intimidating and his attempts to be so are downright cringe inducing. And don't you dare give me the excuse that "they made him a more realistic bully" because that's idiotic and you know it. No, they just switched from a dumb jock stereotype to an obnoxious prep stereotype.
Marisa Tomei gives one of the worst performances I've ever seen in a comic book film. Her anti-chemistry with Tom Holland makes every scene they share together agonizingly torturous. Tomei's embarrassing "hot parent" act is beyond forced and disingenuous and her painful overacting doesn't even manage to reach "so bad, it's good" heights. And even if she can act, it's not like the script gives her much to do. This is a screenplay that has Aunt May 60s dancing with her son (Hey writers, could you try being consistent on what decade you're trying to emulate?) and saying lines like "You know I larb you." Okay, FULL ON stop. A human being ACTUALLY sat down, typed up this script and thought to themselves that this is how human beings naturally talk.
Homecoming is also aesthetically bland and visually hideous with cinematography straight out of a fan film and some of the worst CGI in a Hollywood blockbuster in 19 years. How the Hell is this getting a pass when we have NO such problem calling out Justice League for ITS terrible CGI. I swear to you that there are often times where it literally looks like an Ultimate Alliance cutscene.
People call The Amazing Spider-Man 2 overstuffed and corporate yet have the audacity to defend this? A movie that shoves in The Prowler, Scorpion, Betty Brant, 2 Shockers, Mary Jane and Sinister Six teasing while giving them no thematic or narrative purpose whatsoever. A movie that literally pauses itself to shove in a reference to Ferris Bueller. A movie that replaces Uncle Ben with Iron Man for the sole purpose of selling action figures. But "Marvel respects Spider-Man more than Sony" right?
Homecoming isn't just a "bad Spider-Man movie", it's just a bad movie in general. The writing is sickeningly poor, many of the acting performances are mediocre at best and the emotional stakes are COMPLETELY non-existent. It ruins everything that makes Spider-Man great.