Spiderman, Spiderman, Does Whatever an Iron Man Can

Rating: 5/10 (22 July 2017)

Scratching head. Was the "Homecoming" subtitle in reference to the two- second Homecoming Dance scene??
Also weird: in a movie starring Marisa Tomei, Robert Downey Jr., Michael Keaton, Jon Favreau and a decent Penis Parker, Tom Holland, the most and ONLY interesting character in the movie was the hilarious sidekick, Ned (Jacob Batalon.) With the exception of some funny background characters, like some of the teachers and definitely out-of-nowhere-and-everywhere Michelle, Ned was the one I felt was worth the price of admission for.
This says something about this version. I barely cared for anyone in this movie. On whether they lived, succeeded or fell in love. I was just given information, i.e. a ton of movie exposition, and was told to accept it. That's alright if one doesn't want to follow the golden rule of "Show, Don't Tell," but I grew up on that method. I'd rather feel something for characters and story-arcs by means of showing me emotion than being told how to feel.
I digress. The movie wasn't necessarily bad, but it was almost dead- center okay. It had a TON of hilarious, laugh-out-loud moments, again, mostly involving Ned, but also the teacher's reactions and public service announcements from Cap. And the 15% or so of the movie that was devoted to action, it was entertaining with some fresh ideas.
Basically, Parker spends his day chasing his idol vs having that great power/great responsibly we've known him to learn. Finally, he literally becomes Iron Man to follow leads his mentors won't listen to. Will Parker become his own again and save the day? Sheesh, I couldn't even keep a straight face while typing that.
One thing before the movie, and obviously set up in the MCU's Civil War movie, that irked me tremendously was Tony Stark's involvement of Spider-Man's suit and training. This is NOT the Spider-Man I grew up with, nor was shown in any adaptation on screen. Spider-Man is supposed to make his own suit, figure out his own special powers, solve the mystery and become the MAN part of his nameall on his own.
Luckily, with a somewhat decent script here, they devote a little time to that, but for the majority of the movie we were watching Iron Man Jr. on screen vs. Spider-Man. While some of those scenes were absolutely hilarious and added a lot to the enjoyment, this never truly felt like a Spider-Man movie to me. I'd go as far to say it's a full-blown MCU movie with co-co-star Spider-Man.
It's not a movie I want to see again any time soon and can't really recommend it for the big screen since the majority of enjoyment you'll get is just by laughing at the jokes in-between the enormously long lulls of inaction.
***
Final thoughts: Here's my ranking of the Spider-Man movies, excluding his Civil War cameo since it was just that:
1. Spider-Man
2. Spider-Man 2
3. Spider-Man 3
4. Spider-Man: Homecoming
5. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
6. The Amazing Spider-Man