Emo-man 3

Rating: 3/10 (7 May 2007)

The things I hated about this movie: --Emo Spider-man. OK. This is a BIG one. He gets injected with evil black stuff (that comes from space for no apparent reason) and suddenly, he looks into a mirror and parts his hair into the nice Good Charlotte half-bang that South Park has already made fun of years ago in their beautiful "You Got Served" episode. Then Spidey puts on a bit of eyeliner to look like the metrosexual version of Green Day (but only when he's in an emo mood! The stuff is magically not there when he comes to his senses!) And then there's his whole dance-strut-musicvideo number in the middle of the movie that I guess was supposed to be funny... yet it was just about as funny as the Batman credit card scene in "Batman & Robin"... in other words, ridiculous.
In fact, this is a good comparison. "Spider-man 3" is the "Batman & Robin" of the Spidey film franchise. It took a great first movie and an okay second movie with all those established characters and story lines to build off, and it couldn't get the job done, not even with 2.5 hours to work with.
--Spider-man landing in front of a huge CGI waving American flag as if he's Captain America. What's the message here? He's defending America against... something or other... some sort of terrorism... in New York City? Hell, why not just have the baddies and Spidey duke it out in the empty hole of Ground Zero? --Sandman's origin was idiotic: Outlaw runs from the police, climbs a fence and stumbles into some sort of top-secret fusion reactor that a bunch of white-robed scientists led by a hot supermodel in a labcoat activate to do something with... sand. The fact that a person has fallen into their outdoor experiment and altered the mass of their sand is dismissed as a mere 180-pound bird that will probably fly away once they proceed with the experiment.
--Speaking of Sandman, apparently fairly intelligent human villains lose their ability to speak when growing to a height of several stories. They must communicate entirely in growls, moans, and groans like Godzilla until they return to their regular size and can continue to have somewhat heartfelt meaningful discussions with other people.
--Stan Lee should stop making awkward, pointless cameos that only serve a purpose of showing his face and getting a quick "hee-hee" from the crowd.
--Stop using CGI for every-friggin-thing. It doesn't look convincing. The fighting-while-falling gag that was done maybe 20 times looks like two rubber video game characters bouncing off one another.
--Seeing Eric Foreman's head on a steroid-pumped CGI body was the creepiest part of the whole movie.
--Kirsten Dunst's character does the same thing in every Spiderman movie she's in: Get trapped/kidnapped by the villain and scream and wait for our teary-eyed hero to save her before he goes on another weepfest about how everyone he loves falls into harm's way. By the end of the movie, I was happy just to recall that she got punched in the face by Spider-man.
--Peter Parker making out with another girl on national television on the same day that he plans on proposing to Mary Jane. After that point, are any of us supposed to give a crap if the whole engagement thing doesn't work out? --The kids saying "Wicked Cool!!" --Treating the Empire State Building the way crappy American movies treat the Eiffel Tower: by making sure it's visible from every window to remind us what city we're in.
--Eric Foreman going to church to pray to God that he will kill Peter Parker. I only wish God would answer back "You idiot, my church doesn't work that way. You have to go out and kill Peter yourself... and then come back and pray to me for forgiveness." --I could've sworn that masked superheroes tend to wear their masks now and then, especially in public. I guess I was wrong.
Save your money!!