Certainly hasn't improved with age

Rating: 4/10 (22 July 2018)

When Marvel Studios were finally allowed some control over their most bankable character Spider-Man with just enough time to fit him into Captain America: Civil War, even the most die-hard superhero obsessives had grown tired of the adventures of Peter Parker and his red-suited alter-ego. When Tom Holland's definitive incarnation eventually graced the screen in a glorious extended cameo, it suddenly all made sense. Sony, who still held onto the rights but agreed to share with Marvel and allow him into their universe, simply didn't know what to do with him. They were on a roll with Sam Raimi's horror-inflected vision, which placed character above action and made Parker an underdog you could really root for. But the studio wanted more, and forced Raimi to shoe-horn in a fan-favourite villain at the expense of what was so great about this series. The worst part is that they did it again just seven years later with their Andrew Garfield-led reboot.
The villain the studio demanded was Venom, the razor-toothed, lizard-tongued alien symbiote who attaches itself to Spider-Man and improves his powers, while turning him into a dancing, floppy-haired douchebag at the same time. But Venom isn't the only Spidey foe appearing, for we also have a new Green Goblin, played by a returning James Franco, and Flint Marko, aka the Sandman, played by an incredibly bored-looking Thomas Haden Church. The evolution of Franco's Harry Obsorn has been set up from the very start, so his emergence as his father's successor to don the goblin mask and wreak havoc for our friendly neighbourhood web-spinner should feel natural and well-timed, until he is hit on the head and develops amnesia. With so much already going on, it feels like both an unnecessary step back in the story and sheer lazy writing. We are also given Marko's backstory, and it turns out the lug-headed escaped con was the man really responsible for Uncle Ben's death, which paves the way for more of Tobey Maguire's constipation face during his quiet time with Aunt May (Rosemary Harris).
There's simply too much going on, and when the film allows the pace to slow enough to spend some quality time with its central character, it turns out that Peter has turned into such an insufferable narcissist that we can't wait to get away from him. But, if you've seen the film, you'll know that's not the worst of it. The black alien goo arrives from space without explanation, and just so happens to land nearest to Peter Parker. The posters teased the darker side of Spider-Man, but what we got was spontaneous dancing, winking at girls in the street, and not listening to Mary Jane's (Kirsten Dunst) acting career troubles. I remember hiding behind my hands back in 2007 during the now-infamous dance sequence, and it hasn't improved with age. I've never uttered the words "I just want it to stop" out loud during a movie before, not until I saw Spider-Man 3 for the second time anyway. But it doesn't stop, not for what feels like another two hours, squeezing in Eddie Brock's (Topher Grace) transformation from slimy, unethical photographer into the vengeful Venom, and forging alliances that come out of nothing. As the wasted Kirsten Dunst screams as she hangs from an alien web at the climax, you'll be thinking that everybody involved is so much better than this, and they were, just three years earlier.