Awful

Rating: Null/10 (21 March 2008)

The third installment of the Spider-Man series is a massive disappointment and disgrace to what was hitherto one of the finer franchises in mainstream cinema. While the first and second Spider-Man films had their rough spots, they were overall manna from the Hollywood blockbuster heavens. Interesting stories involving realistic, multi-layered characters were told in adaptations of the original stories written by Stan Lee in the 1960s. Like the third installment of the X-Men series, this film does away with basing itself on original comic book content entirely and instead rewrites the death of Spider-Man's Uncle Ben for the sake of creating a conflicted but underdeveloped antagonist. In fact, all characters in this film are underdeveloped, except in the case of the leading man and lady who we would frankly be better off seeing a lot less of.
This film centers around a very boring relationship between Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) and Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst.) None of the chemistry between the interesting, intelligent, emotional characters from the comic book resonates in the on-screen scenes of "passion" that would be sub-par by daytime soap opera standards. In such scenes, the same tired dialog concerning undying love is regurgitated ad infinitum in scenes of wooden acting. Both characters are lackluster shells of actual human beings not fit to carry a film. This is especially true in the case of Mary Jane, as Dunst is as uncharismatic on screen as she is physically unattractive. An entire article could be written about Dunst and how poor a choice she was for playing Mary Jane, though I do appreciate the unintentional irony of a talentless actress portraying a like talentless and struggling actress on screen. Still, we could have done without a female who bears such a close resemblance to the Masters of the Universe villain Skeletor. Throughout the film the romance between Peter and Mary Jane is silly and shallow; the acting is poor to non-existent. I actually laughed out loud on more than one occasion at scenes that were intended to be serious drama, particularly one in which a jilted Maguire sobs to himself on a bridge.
I've yet to really get into the plot and that's because there really isn't one, truth be told. Just a series of scenes that follow one another with no real sense of gelling. Villains are brought on screen in sequences that make little to no sense and rush by too quickly to make us really care about any of the three antagonists this film saddles us with. We don't fear or hate any of the bad guys, nor is it explained in any depth why either Sandman or Venom really got to be what they are. Some black goop falls from a meteor 10 feet away from Peter Parker (who doesn't notice the crash despite having a sixth sense) and then adheres itself first to Spider-Man then disgraced photographer Eddie Brock. Why? Where did it come from? How does it give its host enhanced strength and agility? Why is a physicist with no understanding of microbiology given a sample of the creature and how does he discern its evil nature? The director never thinks to explain any of these things, and none of what we see on screen bears any resemblance to canonical comic book storyline.
One of the greatest problems of this film is that it is based on a comic book but tries to take itself too seriously. The only times that this film stops taking itself seriously are the scenes that try (and fail) to be humorous and playful. In an unwarranted Emo makeover, Peter Parker models his new 'bad boy' look not after icons of masculinity or rebellion but after the highly effeminate lead singer of Panic! at the disco, wearing "guy liner" and combing his bangs forward. Actor Tobey Maguire reaffirms the stereotype that white people cannot dance when he engages in an impromptu boogie on a New York sidewalk before an audience of some awestruck young ladies. Of all the unrealistic happenings in the film, this moment played the falsest as there is no way on earth an attractive young girl would stand and watch this knave humiliate himself unless she were being paid to do so, let alone would she feign admiration on the back of it.
Shortly following this we're forced to sit through a similar scene that is literally painful to watch. Under the sinister control of the black goop from outer space (how and why is never explained,) Evil Peter enters a jazz club and engages in an impromptu solo on the dance floor. The scene is supposed to be playful and hip, but comes across as mock camp desperately trying for cool. If the scene were intentionally self satirical it would still fail to entertain the audience with its clumsiness, but as it is I have more than once heard the word "embarrassing" used to describe the scene. This film unwittingly denies itself the charm of the campy-classic Batman series of the 1960s by taking itself dead seriously at all of the wrong times.
Other cringe-inducing things include but are not limited to an obscenely forced shot of Spider-Man sprinting into action before the backdrop of an American flag, constant misuses of the character J. Jonah Jameson that only serve to distract the viewer from more interesting events happening on screen, and deplorable dialog and acting from 'reporters' covering the misadventures of Spider-Man (who is inexplicably a public darling in this film, unlike the comic book or previous films).
The highlight of this film is a two second clip of Harry Osborne (James Franco) eating pie in a cafÃ©. In this scene Harry is celebrating his success in a cruel game played on his best friend and worst enemy, Peter Parker. For once I found myself laughing with a character on screen instead of at them.