One dimensional, childish, and flowery crap

Rating: 1/10 (16 June 2007)

This was a complete and total surprise compared to the past two Spiderman films, and the surprise is that this one makes me want to claw my eyes out with a spork. This is complete and total nonsense. The previous two films were acceptable and enjoyable, so how did this turn out the way it did? I didn't really go into this film expecting anything, and my expectations were still smashed to smithereens by a gigantic bulldozer. Truly one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
I do want to apologize for all the spoilers in this review, but I guess that's the best way to get my points across.
The biggest issue here is how Sam Raimi makes a fool out of himself and defecates on the Spiderman legacy, completely destroying the story by setting it up so that Sandman killed Uncle Ben instead of the real killer, thus ruining the point of everything. He then further ruins it by having Spiderman and Sandman get all soft and emotional and forgive each other...seriously, what the hell? He also has Harry forgiving Peter and nullifying any notion anyone had of the two finally facing off and settling things in this one. They wasted the symbiote suit and wasted Gwen Stacy, as well as Green Goblin. Sandman is given a lame backstory that just wussifies the movie even further, and Venom is totally wasted. How will they patch this up in future movies? And Stan Lee has a cameo in this, too, how can he support this crap? I guess it's not AS bad if the creator doesn't care, but eh. Time to go back to Evil Dead, Raimi.
Then we have Peter Parker going all lame after the symbiote infected him, and it's about where the movie really dips down below sea level and becomes bad. It's all mind-boggling and very idiotic, and we're given the impression that this isn't really Spiderman, but some sort of horrible modern romantic comedy instead. An embarrassment to a whole 50 years of Spiderman. Nobody ever thought it'd sink this low. I really don't think it'd be as bad if this wasn't Spiderman, but it is. Eddie Brock is played by Topher Grace, who asks Jesus to kill Peter Parker in one particularly awful scene, and generally brings the intelligence of the movie down further. Pretty funny though, but from what I understand, he went there in the comics to kill himself. Another example of Hollywood making light of what was once a dramatic scene, ruining art.
I have a feeling this review will draw comments like "you have to watch it as a MOVIE, don't think about the comics" or some other crap, but those people are setting their standards far too low. Sure, you can pretend the comics don't exist, and maybe that will make this abortion more enjoyable for you, but why take the easy way out? That's just flawed logic; like pretending a bad food dish is good by acting like you never tasted anything better. This fails on every level; as a comedy, as a super hero film, and as a Spiderman film. There's no need to compensate for what is clearly a terrible film. Directing? Nondescript. Scriptwriting? Bland and embarrassing. Raimi has failed. This is by far the worst movie of 2007, and it's not even over yet. Sad, because I really wanted to kick back and enjoy this.
Oh, and people seem to like to complain about how there were too many villains, but that doesn't matter at all. That wasn't a problem in this movie for me in the least.
The only enjoyable parts were Jameson's scenes and how Venom looked pretty cool. Too bad they didn't give him enough screen time and just made him into another 'kidnap Mary Jane to lure Spiderman out' villain. Blah. Action scenes were good, but there weren't many of them, as this is just a romantic comedy movie! It's entertaining, no doubt, but it's really not that good and was very annoying and infuriating at some parts. There were some good jokes and funny parts, but this is supposed to be Spiderman, not a sitcom.
One dimensional, childish, and flowery nonsense that nobody should ever be subjected to. Not recommended to anyone.