Spider-moan

Rating: 3/10 (27 May 2008)

*Warning, spoilers ahead* This one was something of a shock. Of all the disappointments to come from my cinema trips in recent years, this was one of the worst, another sad case in a continuing trend of the assumption that multi-million pound special effects are enough to carry a movie. The sensation of total disenchantment was partially fuelled by the lofty regard with which I held the first two movies. Comic book films had largely been a disappointment to me until those films came along, complete with sharp, witty scripting, fabulous special effects and characters you wanted to see fail or succeed. However, my opinion is also fuelled by the fact that Spiderman 3 is complete garbage.
We'll get the special effects out of the way first, as this film would have easily received the lowest rating possible without them. The vast sums of money ploughed into this department really shine through, rendering Spidey and his ensemble of villains more pleasing on the eye than in previous films, and the action sequences are lined with several smart touches. However, the exceptional J. Jonah Jameson aside, all other aspects of this film are far less than pleasing.
The script is appalling. Seriously, if I walked into a primary school and a teacher informed me a precocious six year old had penned it, I would have no reason to doubt them. It's sickeningly pretentious, and often condescending towards the viewer, something the previous instalments never were. We're treated to such Oscar winning gems as 'Oh, and I fear one more blow may be enough to kill Spiderman' Like she would know Spiderman's pain threshold, if she did, like she could see from down there, and besides that it's a shocking line! Her obscenely stereotypical "English" accent paints us all as tea-sipping nancy boys; for the sake of a few lines, would hiring somebody that is actually English be so difficult? This closely follows the laughable scene where Spiderman drops in front of a proudly billowing American flag to the triumphant fanfare of a 'true hero'. While I'm sure this scene was devised to stir and inspire audiences in the USA, I wasn't the only person laughing awkwardly at this contempt inducing, cringe-worthy moment.
Ridiculous plot devices include Harry's butler deciding that, (helpfully) post the millionaire playboy having his face blown off the other side of his head courtesy of his arch-nemesis, he would reveal in fact it was not Spiderman that killed his father, Norman Osborne.
'I tended to his wound that evening. It was indeed made by his own glider.' For the love of Jeff and you waited all this time to say so, why?! Obviously this humble house butler utilised his degree in forensic science to deliver that unshakably sound conclusion. How could he possibly have known for sure? Was the glider still sticking out of his stomach?! And if I were to play devil's advocate, could Spiderman have not feasibly thrown Green Goblin onto the spike, or vice versa? This absurd turn of events leads to Harry having an epiphany of biblical proportions, and immediately hops upon his glider to rescue his good ol' buddy Pete. Their trade-off of friendly banter in the final few scenes makes a complete mockery of the excellent construction of the love-hate chemistry between the pair in the previous film.
I'm not a massive fan of the comics, but from what I can tell, Venom is supposed to be something of a bad-a$$. In this film, he was portrayed as totally pointless, and one of the lamest screen villains ever. Seriously, you're borrowing from a comic, all the work has been done! How could they mess it up so badly? As for Sandman a mentally unstable, monumentally powerful individual who Peter Parker allows to escape at the end of the film so he can show all those kiddies watching that forgiveness is in us all, no matter what. If Spidey had whooped him from Manhattan to Brooklyn, showing that despite being freed from the influence of the parasite the natural darkness within him still yearned for revenge, it would have shown us a darker side of a superhero not often explored. Instead, we have that pretentious candy-cane finale, and by this time should we really have expected more? Hopefully the creators of this abomination will take note of the rejuvenation of the Batman franchise, a return to the days when special effects complement a script, and not the other way around.