Absolutely dire (some minor spoilers in this review)

Rating: 2/10 (8 May 2007)

I'm sure my opinion on this film will create minor disturbance among the Spiderman hardcore, however, never before have I felt so compelled to write a review on a film.
I accept that it is very possible my opinion is attracted more towards the negative due to the fairly high standard set by the previous instalments of the Spiderman trilogy but it must be stated that this film is terrible.
I will begin this review with the one positive (though it in turn brings round a negative). As mentioned by other writers, the visual effects are brilliant. They are so good in fact that it pains me to mention them; I think truly brilliant visual effects are achieved when they need not be mentioned because they should blend so brilliantly with the live action that it enables the viewer/reviewer to concentrate on more important aspects (plot, characterisation etc). However, given that the effects are the only positive to draw from an otherwise dire motion picture, I feel it necessary to mention that full credit should be given to the CGI team.
And now, onto the bad. Truly I am stumped as to where to begin so please forgive the lack of logical order in my critique. Firstly, the script and plot are absolutely awful. Lack lustre attempts at making the dialogue seem believable and natural fail miserably and add to an experience that ranges from the cringe worthy to the unwatchable. Seconding this, I beg the question, what on earth has happened to Tobey Maguire's understanding of the role of Peter Parker? Evidentally it has disappeared along with his acting ability because this performance is painful to watch. The same can be said for James Franco; please understand that a wooden plank would probably have achieved a similar result as this almost unwatchable portrayal of Harry Osbourne. This is a cynics debate, but why on earth are these people getting paid so much for being so terrifyingly miserable at their profession??? It seems that too much has been taken on in this film - we have three villains (one of which eventually becomes a good guy) and the stories for each of these protagonists could easily have made enough subject matter for one film each. The decision to blend all these into the same story was ill advised, badly planned, not thought through and executed humiliatingly badly. The greatest character in the Spiderman story save the hero himself is Venom - why then is 15 minutes of this film given to him???? In fact it is for this reason alone that I did not walk out of the auditorium after 45 mins, constantly finding myself under the misguided impression that the addition of Venom would make what was in front of me watchable. It did not.
There are some truly terrible scenes of 'comedy' in this film. I cannot begin to fathom why it seemed a sensible idea to have so many funny scenes in a film dominated by three major bad guys!! True, even in the bleakest films, comic relief is required and that is all well and good...if the comic relief is actually FUNNY and not a pain to watch.
Much of my time in the cinema during this film was spent with my head in my hands. I really cannot stress enough what a terrible disappointment this film is. I almost wish to recommend it just so that people can see and believe how utterly shambolic this is. There are moments watchable material; J K Simmons continues his fantastic understanding of his character and the restaurant scene with Bruce Campbell is brilliant. But otherwise, this is a film that should be avoided at all costs. I have heard rumours of Raimi potentially being responsible for a 'The Hobbit' film - if these turn out to be true I will cry.
Without doubt the worst film I have seen since 'Be Cool'.