Are you kidding me?

Rating: 3/10 (6 November 2007)

You must be kidding me. There is no way this movie is this bad. Its Spider-Man for crying out loud. This must be a joke. I must be dreaming. There is no way.
No! It does suck! Say it ain't so! There are so many things wrong and terrible with this movie, its unreal, but first I'll start with a review (not critical) of the first two movies.
The most disappointing movie I have ever seen. You know how Saving Private Ryan or another movie like that is a punch in the gut? Well this is a punch in the face a kick in the groin and while you're on the ground it jacks your money! I walked out of the theater wanting to put Sam Raimi on a hit list.
Now its not all bad (it does have a 3). The movie starts out pretty strongly. In the first 15 minutes or so, it seemed like it would be good. There was acting, a seemingly visible script and a breathtaking action scene involving an armored truck. Then, it sucks substantially.
The acting is atrocious. Even Tobey Maguire can't salvage decency out of what he has in a script. He becomes a freaking emo. Kirsten Dunst brings nothing to the role. She's just a spoiled brat who doesn't get what she wants. J.K. Simmons is even forgettable. He's completely toned down to mild-mannered. However, Topher Grace was a pleasant surprise as Eddie Brock, Jr. He was a sarcastic little jerk and played the role very well. But he still wasn't right for the role. And why was he Junior? Then there's the direction. What was Sam Raimi thinking? I am not completely sure about the boundaries between writing and directing. Nonetheless, they were both terrible. Peter dancing down the street as an emo retard. He made a complete idiot out of himself. He spins around on the street looking at women who stare back at him in utter disgust. I wounder how much Tobey Maguire asked for before he went through with it. Then, doing a swing dance with Gwen Stacy to get back at Mary Jane. Oh, they couldn't have made it not suck. They couldn't have made it actually good. That must have been the staff's motto. It was painful to watch.
This I know is God-awful writing. Venom is in the movie for 15 minutes. I don't mean screen time, I mean in the movie. He also constantly pulls his mask back and has fanged teeth when it is pulled back. That means Eric Forman has a bunch of fangs. WTF? Then there's no character development. Mary Jane's character does a complete 180. Instead of trying to accept the fact that Peter's Spider-Man (which would have given her room to develop) she just whines and moans and is one-dimensional. Not two. One. Peter sucks! Emo dance, and a cry-baby. Since he was supposed to be dark, this is just an even bigger slap in the face. He should have struggled with his inner demons differently, like being ruthless and merciless as Spider-Man. For example, Peter should have been seen in a scene in the black suit and he goes overboard in protecting a citizen. He should have beat him up so bad he was all bloodied up. And every time he looks at the suit he should have some sort of mad look on his face to show what he was thinking, and then have some Batman Begins-esquire music (composed by Danny Elfman, of course) when he puts on the suit. The writers basically flipped the audience the bird and gave them a truly terrible script. Another bad part of the writing is character usage. Mary Jane seems to be in it more Spider-Man, the main attraction. Did Dunst's contract require that she sing two songs? That is the only way she could have gotten the screen time. Peter Parker: well, I mentioned his emo retardation. Sandman is a wuss. I can understand trying to go a different angle by saying he was saving his daughter and not really a bad guy, just making bad decisions, but they made him weak. Sam Raimi liked this character so they glorified him.
However, no one was more misused more than Venom. His presence was a complete atrocity to the source material and insulting to me, personally. Venom was in it for 15 minutes I already told you. But the bad part is that he dies! Eddie Brock, Jr. dies in the end. So who's to carry on the Venom name? One of those afterthoughts in the comics? Please. Venom could have been used so well.
Even the score sucks. Danny Elfman's should have stayed. When I heard the different score being played, I knew it was a sign of a lackluster movie. It was so bad. It was the most generic score I've heard in a superhero movie, a genre that usually has a lot of good or great ones.
Also, its filled with tired or weak story line. Old or tired: the triangle between Peter, MJ, and Harry. Can we get past that now? How about Harry trying to kill Peter for a little longer than 4 minutes? And this half-a##ed storyline, "uh, Sandman killed your uncle, not a thug like in the comics." Oh, nice guys. What, did that take a whole three freaking seconds? You couldn't have put a little more thought into the story (not that they did with anything)? It was ridiculous. They didn't even try.
Oh yeah: there's barely any action. Talky-talky. The first two had some talking but it didn't suck and make me want to stab my ears. They cry and dance and its just insulting.