The Public Castration and Impotence of Spider-Man (a.k.a. the former secret identity of Peter Parker) by Dr. Phil

Rating: 5/10 (7 May 2007)

The potential for subject lines here are as infinite as where I could start with just how bad this movie is. Bad maybe an exaggeration. Knowing what I know about Spider-Man and of Raimi's work, it is bad. The movie by itself is barely average. In the echelon of the trilogy, this movie would be dead last. I haven't been this disappointed by a finale of a trilogy since Matrix Revolutions. I'm not counting Revenge of the Sith because in all honesty we knew it was going to be bad from the beginning (it is somewhere in the void of "it's so bad its decent"). The second movie is the best in the trilogy and one of the best "comic book movies" made. This one meanders from the start with the opening credits involving a montage of scenes from the first two movies (minus Alex Ross). Did I just have my memory wiped? No, that would be one of the main characters (more on this later).
Where as the first movie was relatively slow, I can understand that the character and story development was needed. The follow up had all the elements in all the right proportions. Part three simply tries to be better by sheer force. If 1 villain was good, then 3 must be 3 times better, right? WRONG. If the trial, tribulations and personal problems of Peter Parker was meaningful to the character's development, then dropping a truck load of melodrama will make it that much better, right? WRONG. There is just too much of everything, except action. For those that thought Death Proof was boring, the first half of this movie will have you sucking down a Extra-Super-Large Coke just to maintain a semblance of consciousness. I felt like maybe Barbara Walters and her View cronies had written aspects of the script. I know Peter Parker is not your typical superhero, who often delves into his personal life and emotion, but did we have to give him estrogen therapy? Others have called this movie "dark" and full of revenge. By dark they must have meant the costume and/or lighting and by revenge they must not have seen OldBoy (or any of Chan-wook Park's revenge trilogy). There are too many nemeses, too much meaning-less dialog and situations we have already dealt with in some form and not enough new things. All the growth and development is at the end and done in such a lackadaisically talk show-like moment. I'm not even going to comment on the crappy and sudden "sunset" ending or the "apology". Ugh. Now I have to gargle some Stolichnaya to keep the vomit down.
There are few things that are good. The thing that foremost stood out in my mind is Sandman. I'm not talking about the character, but the CG creation. It is simply amazing and left me in awe. The Venom character is also impressive, but it did not resonate with me as much as Sandman. Maybe that was because Eric Forman kept talking out of the creature, with unscripted comic high jinks. I was half expecting a Chevy Chase-like pratfall somewhere (I think this is more of a problem with the actor than the character). The only other standout for me is the incomparable Bruce Campbell. He single-handedly outshines any of the marquee names in this movie (and he does this with a very limited screen time) and is one of the most vastly underrated actors out there. The black-suited Spider-Man is also interesting and has a couple of nice moments, but overall felt underwhelming (more is better equation again). The few good moments (Peter's dark side dancing included) are overwhelmed by repetition and muffled by long stretches of nothing.
The movie is a summer blockbuster gone bad. It was almost as if everyone involved was forced to work on this movie out of contractual obligations. It is completely soulless and the antithesis of the previous two movies. Even New York is missing, replaced by a generic looking metropolis. This would seem to be the case if you heard the way Tobe Maguire and Kirsten Dunst speaking on the "promotion tour" of the movie. I would be surprised if either of them (or the director) hook up for a fourth movie (this of course does not take in account the money and people's desire to sell as much of themselves as possible). It just seemed that everyone was tired of it all. Tobe plays Spider-Man in either a "robot-mimic" style or an over-the-top emotional fake. Does Spider-Man even need a costume anymore? Everyone seems to know who he is. Was Raimi looking towards the recent Marvel House of M and Civil War events for inspiration? Dunst is back to playing the flat Mary-Jane, who yet again is only good for kissing and requires constant rescuing. Topher Grace just doesn't fill up Venom's suit well and his acting acumen has not elevated him past Eric Forman(yet). Sandman as character made me yawn. About the only good characterization (apart from Bruce Campbell) would have to be James Franco (Harry Osbourne). He is the only one who actually looks like he cares; too bad he gets amnesia, his motivations change more times than a manual transmission and his butler has a sudden outbreak of Alzheimer's.
I didn't even mention the story, but that's mostly cause it just seems to be a collection of coincidences. One could say a Reader's Digest edited version of the best of Spider-Man. This movie reminds me much of the X-Men 3 movie except that movie made me laugh my ass off (unintentionally of course). I actually had high expectations for this movie, albeit I had a feeling it was going to try too much. I didn't expect too much to equal bad. Unless you are a teen, pre-teen or a drooling vegetable, you are probably not going to enjoy this movie much. Go back and see the previous two movies for your Spider-Man craving.