Worst thing ever conceived

Rating: 2/10 (5 May 2007)

Sitting through the two and a half hours of Spiderman 3 was like watching a friend smash himself in the face with bricks until losing consciousness. It goes from painful to funny, then back to painful, and then it rests somewhere in the middle. Imagine witnessing that for what feels like an eternity.
After seeing this film, I did not know what to say. I was flabbergasted. While this certainly had some entertaining portions, such as the comic relief scenes or the numerous clichés it stumbles into; laughable pseudo-melodrama could not redeem this gargantuan turd.
Spiderman 3 has no heart. It's empty. It's all such a big to-do over nothing. It will surely go on to make billions of dollars, though, since it is Spiderman 3. That was most likely the rationale employed by the makers of the film when they decided to create this overly-long monster. A "why the hell not?" attitude. It feels like they spent three days editing it as the film's progression is both sluggish and extremely uneven. Example: The forty minute Peter-Parker-as-Emo-Man dance montage. What was that about? The action is not nearly good enough to justify Tobey Macquire pelvic thrusting his way through New York and subsequently rehearsing moves from Westside Story.
This does not produce any kind of emotional catharsis whatsoever and I am left with no feelings of closure until they make a real sequel to Spiderman 2. Do not, I repeat, do not, give up hours of your life to see this.