Spiderman cannot compete with Spider-pig.

Rating: Null/10 (13 October 2007)

I had the privilege and honour of seeing this sublime movie at the this and that premiere, on Sunday the bla bla, where my mind was racing with excitement as the director bla bla gave a speech before the commencement of this cinematic feast bla bla and bla...
No, no. Stop right there. This is not that kind of review.
Instead, I will give you several reasons why you should watch Homer Simpson and his "Spider-Pig" rather than this or any other "Spiderman" sequel.
1. Spider-pig is funny. Tobey is merely sleepy and boring.
2. Spider-pig walks on the ceiling with grace. Tobey doesn't. He looks like an apathetic, clumsy 30 year-old moron impersonating a teenager.
3. Spider-pig has a great sidekick: Homer. Spiderman has none.
4. Homer's relationship with Spider-pig is far warmer and real than Spiderman's could ever be with Kirsten Dunst.
5. Spider-pig has Danny Elfman's likable tune to follow his zany adventures. Tobey/Spiderboy has only crap commercial U.S. truck-driver rock to accompany his every sleepy move. (Note those always semi-closed eye-lids; rumours say 500 angry tse-tse flies stung him...)
6. Spider-pig emits huge amounts of toxic excrement as a way to hurt his enemies. Spiderboy just shoots unconvincing CGI strings.
7. Spider-pig is much more handsome than Tobey Maguire.
8. Spider-pig is alert and quick. Tobey is drowsy and dull.
9. The pig that plays Spider-pig is a much better actor than Tobey Maguire.
The only aspect in which Raimi's Spiderman franchise beats Spider-pig is that Tobey's girlfriend Dunst is much better-looking than Spider-pig's sow mistress.
The success of the "Spiderman" movies proves two things, first and foremost: 1) today's film-goers will watch any crap and love it, as long as it's hyped properly and sufficiently, and 2) Sam Raimi will never make another movie that comes even within light-year distance of his first two "Evil Dead" movies.
If you loved "Spiderman", you must be either 9 years old or a...