Spider Dork

Rating: Null/10 (29 December 2003)

After watching Spiderman, I guess I can see why a lot of people liked it. It has most of the ingredients: an intriguing fiction, likeable characters, and over-the-top villains. But the problem is that all of this stuff comes right from the comic book, and the movie doesn't add anything to the mix.
I guess in the end I just can't believe Tobey Maguire can do a backflip.
Even before I knew the guy had back trouble - a fact revealed during headline negotiations for the sequel - I just didn't think him athletic. I felt kind of bad for Tobey when he took off his shirt to show his new, spider-enhanced physique. Still so very, very puny. If you were in grave danger would you want this morose, wiry individual showing up to rescue you?
I imagine this is how I would have felt had another casting atrocity, the purported selection of Nicolas Cage to star as Superman in an attempted revival of that serial, had somehow burrowed its way into the light of day. I was already sufficiently outraged by musing my way through Michael Keaton as Batman. Michael Keaton? Nicolas Cage? Tobey Maguire? Why must superheroes now be short, bent men with jowls and hangover beards?
The superhero genre has been crying for a new star since Christopher Reeve had that horrible accident. Yep, Superman IV. The whole paralyzation thing didn't help matters either. Since then it's nothing but self-proclaimed auteurs slumming. The meek demeanor, the muttered punchline, the complete lack of any form of physical authority - that may work just fine when you're looking for some character-acting Oscar in some costume drama about dancing orphans. But it doesn't make a good superhero. Who wants to root for such dorks?
Everyone says to me that this is something we should applaud, that Peter Parker was a dork in the comic series and thus should be in the movie. But in the comics, which I read quite frequently for free in the Long Beach K&B, did not play up Parker's geekiness. It wasn't a badge he wore. The reason he seemed so uncool was because we knew what he was capable of. And the important point was that if you looked closely enough at this guy you would see that he was a hero.
I think that's where Christopher Reeve really nailed his role. When I was a kid and I saw SuperMan, I thought he was a cool guy. He's 6'4', he's strong, and the chicks loved him. Who doesn't want to be like that? In contrast, what fun is it to watch some dork like Maguire whine about his posture?
The rest of the cast isn't much better. I am no big fan of Kirsten Dunst. I have never understood the attraction. She's just a plump, plain-looking blonde with bad teeth. I don't think those are horrible qualities, but is it really worth applauding? She sleepwalks through her scenes with incredibly fake looking red hair, a dim smile on her face as if she didn't keep her eye on her drink at a frat party.
Willem Defoe, an actor whom I used to like, just creeps me out as the Goblin. There's something lizardlike about him. I think he'd make the perfect Gollum. We are forced to endure another shirtless wimp scene from Defoe. He does this in a lot of movies. It always looks like he's flexing really, really hard; like he's trying to _act_ muscle onto his chest. Poor guy. He's just so stringy, like a free-range chicken. And he has gotten really campy in his old age. I remember how much he stunk up `Boondock Saints', and from sheer good will I was willing to blame it on the director. Guess I was wrong.
Despite bad casting, there are other factors to keep the movie from being a success. All of the scenes seem to share the exact same lighting. This is particularly apparent on SpiderMan who is the bumpiest, shiniest 3D model I have ever seen. The whole thing looks very stagey - there is no feel of grit or reality to it. It's like watching a bunch of comic geeks re-enact some fan fiction they wrote and taped with their mom's camera. The direction just isn't exciting, and I don't feel like I'm watching a story as much as I am watching a re-enactment of a story. I am a big fan of Sam Raimi, but somehow he doesn't get it right this time.
The effects are uniformly horrible. When the CGI takes over it is blatant. Even the concepts for the effects are lame. When Peter caught all of Mary Jane's food on her plate a part of me died. It's so mundane and cutesy and looked so fake. All of the Green Goblin scenes felt like watching an episode of the Power Rangers. It's just cheap to have _two_ stars who fight only when they have completely obscured their faces. I guess I can just sense an outsourced fight. I picture Defoe eating a hot dog and Maguire getting a chiropractic house call in his trailer while these two stuntmen duke it out in Taiwan. So who should we root for: Quong, the sweaty stuntman in the Power Ranger suit, or Yubang in the Spiderman pajamas?
But the formula is well in stride so now we will have to endure a sequel to this travesty written by none other than `I'm gay, so give me an award' Michael Chabon. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.