My spidey sense didn't tingle

Rating: Null/10 (4 November 2002)

If you would all be so kind as to lower your pitchforks and pointy sticks I'll just need a few moments to bend Sam Raimi over my knee and give him a proper spanking.
Let me begin by saying I was a huge fan of Spiderman growing up. I used to steal balls of yarn from my grandmother's sewing basket and run around the room giggling maniacally while wrapping everything in yarn to such a degree that it took the jaws of life to me out. I was neither the Spiderman nazi who thought that the only way a decent Spiderman movie would be made was if I made it myself, nor was I waiting in line a week before opening weekend dressed like Mary Jane. I went in with an open mind. Unfortunately I came out with a bad taste in my mouth.
One of the biggest mistakes made with this movie was that they tuckered themselves out trying to rationalize Spiderman mythology. MILITARY FUNDING FOR A BAT-GLIDER?! WHY THE NAME OF F. MURRAY ABRAHAM DOES THE MILITARY NEED A BAT GLIDER?! Why couldn't they just leave that out until he gets all crazy like and makes all his cute little goblin cache of wacky weapons? A bat glider that you have to dress up like a mighty morphing power ranger to control nonetheless. I would have no problem with William Dafoe as Green Goblin if he had a simple costume that complimented his already goblin like features. SIMPLIFY PEOPLE!
While some of the computer generated effects were convincing enough, most of them were completely absurd. When Pete Parker is jumping from rooftop to rooftop he looks as real as Stan Lee's hairpiece. Real people have weight and presence. I accept the fact that replacing the actors with computer generated characters for some of the scenes were necessary, for the web swinging scenes for example. But the fight scenes could have been done with some good old-fashioned wirework. With great power comes great responsibility, did someone bother to tell that to their CG department?
I thought that the cast was strong, especially Kirsten Dunst's blouse bunnies in the alleyway scene. And J.K. Simmons was most certainly the bomb as J. Jonah Jameson. The origin story is told well enough, it's in the action sequences where things go down the waterspout.
I have little time left for soon a cadre of federal agents will undoubtedly be breaking down my door and beating me with my own limbs for speaking ill of this summer's box office cash cow. If you really need to see comics move I suggest renting Batman. TALK HARD!!!