Untie the Web, Spidey!

Rating: 3/10 (27 July 2004)

Only a thin crust of pop culture relevance stands between this bloated summer bland fest and ignominious delivery to cinematic history's dustbin. Certainly, those keen on remaining abreast of major releases and developments may find collective value in going to catch a Spidey 2 showing, yet for others of a less dedicated disposition there's basically no reason to even bother. The trilogy's second installment suffers from an unhealthy infusion of obviously fake CGI standing in for most action scenes and other com-motive elements, resulting in a cheap, plastic look many of us find rather offensive. Too much cheesy kitch also found its way onto the script, displacing the previous Spiderman flick's excellent conversion of the timeless comic itself. Film goers likely recall Raimi's first SM movie, which did a superb job of bringing to mass audiences a long-neglected phenomenon, by way of demonstrating Peter Parker's gradual transition from geek-anonymous to geek-superhero. Sadly, the newest effort doesn't have its predecessor's energy and stimulus, instead falling back on predictable situations, tiresome gags and low-rent computer gimmicry galore. Those unfortunate enough to have seen last year's The Hulk will know what went so humongous wrong with Spiderman 2 the second they lay eyes on it. Based on Stan Lee's milestone characters, Raimi's current project shows Parker (Tobey Maguire) struggling to balance his two lives. While fighting evil on behalf on the meek comes with much pride and satisfaction, it also translates into losing the love of your life (Kirsten Dunst) to dashing astronaut John Jameson (J. Jonah Jameson's son, played by Daniel Gillies), miserable college performance and getting fired from a pizza delivery gig. Add to all this Aunt May's impending eviction and guilt lingering from past traumas, and one can see why the old webmaster might be fed up and clamoring for the normal life. So off he goes, dumping the costume and slowly relinquishing his various super powers, until demented scientist Dr. Octavius (Alfred Molina) comes along to wreak havoc all over the city, en route of course threatening to take out Parker's loved ones in a few well-placed fell swoops. The be tentacled Dr. Octopus uses advanced technology to operate four mechanical arms, which may be a tad spooky, but doesn't explain how he suddenly becomes impervious to pretty much everything except arachnid trickery. Ours is not to question etc. etc. Additionally, Molina and his portrayal of Octavius/Octopus carry no discernible potency, resulting in a half-hearted entry apt to leave no impression even on the easily impressed. Naturally, virtue prevails over foul madness and Spiderman comes on top once again, alas the torment takes more than two hours, making you wish Parker just gave up and became a Verizon call center employee or something. Save for charismatic James Franco as Parker's best friend/arch-nemesis Harry Osborn, hardly any genuine talent lends itself to good use throughout the film. And yes, we all miss Willem Dafoe very much, thank you. At least Raimi and Co. saw fit to squeeze him into a brief cameo at the very end, foreshadowing things to come. Will we wait gingerly till the next one arrives in 2007? How'd you like to buy a bridge? Persuant to so many of its high profile, hype-hungry peers, SM2 also fails to live up to expectations. Forget about being wowed. For that you'll have to be a movie virgin practically, or ten years old at most. Instead of pinning folks to their proverbial seats, Spiderman 2 pulls off the inevitable curse of the tank by casting a pall of malcontented boredom over those gullible enough to have shelled however much tickets go for these days. Seriously, when an all-star summer caper has you sitting there like a dummy, going "yeah, yeah" and anticipating every single scene, something has gone terribly awry beyond all reproach. Adding insult to injury, the producers, in their infinite wisdom, apparently decided to pay homage to NYC's multifaceted personality by putting immigrants in every major part of the story. This could have been viewed as proactive and beneficial, however, like the film as a whole, actually culminates in a badly-constructed farce, starring caricatures and stereotypes. To wit, Parker has a cynically greedy Russian landlord, and a bossily insensitive Muslim supervisor. He also saves the child of two Asians who (naturally) don't speak English, and listens to another Asian destroy the song from the original animated show like there's no tomorrow. Next time, for social courage and action, see Casting Someone "Ethnic" in a Leading, Non-Generic Role. This kind of mistake typifies Spiderman 2's ilk quite nicely, we're afraid. Their hearts are in the right place. Everything else kinda got lost along the high-budget way.
Rating: * *