Skyfall's poor cousin

Rating: 7/10 (1 December 2015)

Well, this is an abject lesson for me. I went for this movie thinking it was a sequel to Skyfall (only the finest James Bond movie ever made), and as it turned out, it was a sequel to probably every JB movie ever made.
Spectre begins promisingly enough. As always, the opening sequence is awe-inspiring; an almost wordless collage of action. The theme song that follows is a precursor of how quickly your expectations are going to be squashed – a squeaky, scratchy wailing that does not deserve to be in the same universe as Adele's Skyfall theme. The opening action sequence culminates in the killing of Mario Sciarra, an assassin. We find out a couple of scenes later that the former M (Judi Dench) had asked Bond to kill Sciarra in the event of her death. As usual, this is something that Bond (Daniel Craig) does outside of the limits of his job, as a result of which he is suspended from duty by the current M (Ralph Fiennes). Sounds familiar?
In spite of this suspension, he steals a car that was reserved for 009, and goes off to rescue Sciarra's widow, again on instructions from M. The widow, played by the luminous Monica Bellucci, has nothing to do, other than get seduced by Bond and provide him with info regarding the organization to which her husband belonged - Spectre. Bond goes for a Spectre meeting and there, he meets Franz Oberhauser (Christophe Waltz, playing the same character he has played in his last ten movies).
We later find out that Oberhauser is not who he says he is, and in his own words, is "the author of all your pain". The exposition scene where we find out what drives Oberhauser is probably one of the weakest scenes in JB history. For whatever reason, in the big exposition scene, Waltz's character is wearing short trousers that ride up above his calves, along with tan socks. I can't imagine anyone looking less menacing. The big reveal behind what drives Oberhauser is something that could have been cured during his childhood with a bit more parental attention, and possibly a couple of skilfully administered spankings.
Disappointment.
And yet, Spectre is fun to watch on a very basic level, probably because of Daniel Craig, who brings his usual raw physicality to this very demanding role. Gone is the aging and vulnerable Bond of Skyfall, who was more human, and had actual *gasp* feelings! The Bond of Spectre is a steely automaton who purses his lips, gazes off into the distance, and can kill while blindfolded, with his hands tied – he actually does this at one point. He is able to recover at super-human speed – watch him do his thing right after being horribly tortured. He also seems to have an inexhaustible supply of impeccably tailored bespoke suits that fit him well in all the right places. If there ever was an award for Most Glorious Man-Candy, Bond would win it, hands down.
The action sequences are topnotch, especially the car chases and the brutal fight on the train. If I haven't mentioned the second heroine Madeline Swann (Lea Seydoux), it's because she's a complete cipher, with zero personality and acting talent. Waltz coasts through the movie, using the exact same mannerisms and expressions he has been using since Inglorious Basterds. And oh, there's Andrew Scott (from Sherlock) playing a spymaster gone bad; it's evident he hasn't gotten over his Moriarty hangover. Ralph Fiennes and Ben Whishaw (playing Q) are, as always, completely impactful in their roles.