Bond by numbers. Negative numbers.

Rating: 3/10 (31 October 2015)

I wanted to like Spectre. I really did. And for five minutes I thought I was going to.
But after the exhilaration of the clever 'real time' tracking shot of Daniel Craig seemingly risking life and limb on top of a row of dusty Mexican buildings gives way to a farcical CGI-ridden stunt that would have been laughably implausible in an Avengers movie, this limp witless farrago simply bored me.
I think Monica Bellucci was in it, but maybe I yawned or blinked during her microscopically short appearance.
I think there was a plot, threadbare as a miser's carpet, but God only knows what it was. Something about information-hogging, Blofeld as some evil version of Google, with a couple of lazy nods to Orwell. (Seriously, nothing happens in Spectre. I mean absolutely nothing whatsoever. Characters appear and disappear at random, like subatomic particles popping in and out of existence via quantum tunnelling.)
I think the guy who was so brilliantly chilling in Inglourious Basterds played the bad guy, but I could be wrong. Maybe it was his identical twin brother, who was so upset his dad was nice to an orphan who got placed with him by the German social services he decided to launch an evil plot to ruin his reputation. Doing a pretty good job.
I think there was a car chase, although I'm not sure a sedate travelogue through a Rome more deserted than an English seaside town in the depths of a nuclear winter really qualifies as a car chase.
I think there was a competition on X Factor to write and perform a Bond theme song.
I think you can kill people by squeezing their eyeballs.
I think all bombs still have a red digital counter on them. (Ironic, huh?!)
I think that's enough of my life wasted writing about this lazy excuse of a Bond movie.