Sounds good "on paper", but executed implausibly and sloppily, with extra cheese

Rating: 4/10 (3 February 2009)

This movie is a great proof that Joe McMoviegoer only cares about the plot in its most simplified synopsis version, and nothing else.
I admit: the IMDb synopsis DID sound interesting. But an interesting idea is one thing; how it's executed is a whole new ball game.
Let me start by saying that the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire show is not (repeat: NOT) aired live: it's a recording. This makes the entire ending fall flat on its face, as it rests on the premise that it IS aired live. How can people just ignore such plot holes in order to enjoy the movie, I don't know.
Speaking of the show - one of the early questions was this:
What is written on the national emblem of India:
A. The TRUTH Triumphs. B. LIES Triumph. C. FASHION Triumphs. D. MONEY Triumphs.
Most of us have never seen the emblem of India, but can easily guess the answer, right? Yet our dumb protagonist uses the Ask the Audience "lifeline".
Come on, Mr. Director. I know you had to get rid of one lifeline in order to leave only two for your vision of the grand finale, but couldn't you have picked a more realistic question to do so? Is our protagonist such a moron that he actually thought the national emblem might say "Lies/Fashion/Money Triumphs"?!
The premise of the movie is that Jamal, the protagonist, albeit an uneducated slumdog, knows the answers to most of the questions simply because he has "lived them", so to speak. An interesting fictional premise, but...
Thus our Jamal knows that the revolver was invented by Colt (and not Browning, Wesson, et al) simply because his brother once, when attacked by bad guys, miraculously, deus ex machina-style, pulled a Colt we'd never seen him acquire prior to that and killed one of them.
And that's how Jamal knew Colt and not Wesson invented the revolver.
In a similarly inane fashion, he knows that the face on the $100 bill is Ben Franklin, because his blind(!) slumteen beggar buddy, after Jamal had given him $100 and described the face on the bill as a "bald man with hair on the sides", told him it's Ben Franklin. Are we supposed to believe that underage, illiterate, uneducated Indian beggar kids that have never seen a book or a TV set in their life, let alone a 100-dollar bill, know what Franklin looks like? Please. But I guess anything's possible in a movie in which an elementary school slum dropout talks to British tourists in perfect BBC RP, firing out collocations such as "in a top-class fashion" and "maximum-pileup traffic accident" like it ain't no thang.
Also, the final, million-dollar question is (drum roll): Name the third Musketeer: Athos, Porthos...
Come on. If the final questions were that easy, we'd all be millionaires.
And how does Jamal know the answer? He takes a blind guess, because it was his destiny to win. "It was written". And he guesses right.
Just like he told the (also teenage) love of his life that they'll find each other no matter what, because "it is written". Come on. I haven't heard such salad-tossers blurted by teenagers(!) since Dawson's Creek. Even The Last of the Mohicans barely managed to get off with similar cheese.
I could go on forever.
So, in the end, our fate's pet Jamal answers all of the questions, while his big brother frees the girl from the jaws of mafia by killing the boss. Mind you, he first killed bad guys, then joined them, and now he switched it up again while you weren't looking and mended his ways. He held Jamal at gunpoint, raped the love of his life, and cut her face, but now he suddenly wants to help them. Must have been touched by the hand of God off-screen. Anyways, the girl is now free to catch the impossible live airing of the show, reunites with Jamal on-air, and they live happily ever after as millionaires. And she thought they would "only be united in death" (direct quote... the kids of today, so profound).
Because puppy love conquers all. Especially if your future-boyfriend is about to become a millionaire.
So, two hours of an interesting premise ruined by carelessness in details and chuckle-inducing implausibility, slopped with saccharine, drowned in a one-sided portrayal of life in India (read the other negative reviews for more on that), and spiced up with a dash of that straight-out-of-Bollywood fairytale love story - which you couldn't give a rat's ass about even if you wanted to, since the girl suffers from a severe case of character underdevelopment (all we know about her is that she's "the most beautiful girl in the world" (of course)), and there's more chemistry in your hamburger than there is between her and Jamal.
But I guess the morning after watching the movie you'll only remember the core of the story as summarized in the IMDb synopsis, and that would suffice. Good for you.
P.S. Nice hand-held camera work in a couple of shots. And nice colors. The only things hinting, albeit infinitely remotely, at the fact that this is the same guy that directed Trainspotting. Incomprehensible.