I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork... Contains spoilers!

Rating: 1/10 (27 November 2012)

So, this was it then, supposedly the greatest Bond film of them all... what a disappointment it was. It was the worst film I've seen since Inception and quite frankly that's saying something (in the time betwixt them I have watched The Room, Birdemic and Highschool Musical. So what was wrong with it then? let me show you... First off the opening scene which on paper must have read like one of Archer's wet dreams but on screen seemed far too contrived for my liking. Car chase, to bike chase over the rooftops, to train top confrontation. It was simply too much thrown at the audience in too short a space of time, even Michael Bay would have felt ashamed for it. Then after the insultingly gratuitous action that theme music by the risible Adelle where she never seems to be able to find the right notes to conclude her melody. Oh well, surely it'll pick up a bit now though you must be thinking? Well, don't get your hopes up! Next we discover some lack of originality as someone not fit for duty is called into service (anyone remember The Avengers earlier this year?) and a gun that only fires for Bond (the lawgiver from Dredd, also out earlier this year?)... anyway, the fun doesn't stop there as there's a wonderful scene where Bond fights an assassin in Japan with some digitally projected jellyfish in the background that were much more interesting than the fight itself, probably included as by then the director had realised how weak all of the plot fluffing was... Anyways, following on from the scene with the jumping on a poorly rendered CGI kommodo dragon (which was this movie's attempt at the Indy fridge scene) we eventually get to meet the villain. Sadly this scene is so filled with inappropriately forced innuendo that it really detracted from the meaningless rat story and the unrealistically stealthy helicopters but never mind. The scene in the London Underground looked like it might actually turn out OK until they removed the signs from the escalators that prevent you from sliding down them for the sake of making it more unrealistic I suppose. Unsure of how to make the scene worse the director simply drops a train on top of Bond. Maybe the director thought Die Hard 4 was a work of art? Whatever the reason I eventually sat through enough to be at the end where the bad guy rocks up in a helicopter blaring music, much reminding me of a certain Nam flick and also... The Avengers (out earlier this year). Sigh. Then finally the big climax, the payoff for the whole 2+ hours of my life that I'm never going to get back again - a quick unspectacular knife in the back and Bond gets to keep a cheap bulldog toy. Whooo. I am never going to watch another new Bond film again, this was enough to kill the whole franchise for me. I would have thought that for around $200m you could make a better film than that but it seems that I was wrong and Tommy Wiseau's farce that was The Room seems increasingly like $6m well spent...