If only it had a decent script

Rating: 2/10 (23 November 2012)

Transcript between producers and studio executives for pitching the new 007 movie:
"Welcome gentlemen. Give us a plot synopsis". "Sure, the premise is for a super genius computer villain that seeks revenge on his old employer, that being MI6, by killing M."
"OK, proceed". "Well anyway, the villain steals a list of secret agents from MI6.."
"By hacking their computer systems?"
"Uhm.. no, we thought it'd be more authentic if we have him steal them from a laptop in Turkey."
"You what?! Isn't that a bit cliché?"
"No no.. it's all very cool. We trash the whole town, satellite tracking, the works"
"OK, so what happens next?"
"There's a really big chase. We'll end up with villain and Bond on top of a train and Bond trashes part of the train with a bulldozer and.."
"Hang on, hang on.. on top of a train? I'd hate to bring up the word 'cliché" again, but hasn't that been done before?"
"Uhm.. yes, but not like this. I mean there's tunnels you have to duck through and uhm.. there's depleted Uranium pistols and uhm.. a Bulldozer! Yeah that's right, we'll rip that train apart with a big excavator."
"The train doesn't stop?"
"Oh heck no.. it just keeps getting faster! Then miss Moneypenny shots Bond from the top of the train and he falls several hundred meters to his (wink wink) death into a river ravine."
"(Gasp!) Miss Moneypenny?"
"Oh yes.. but the audience won't find that out until the end."
"Hmmm, OK so he gets shot AND falls into a ravine? How does he survive that?
"Aheam.. well, we hadn't thought about that yet. We can let people fill in the blanks. They like that these days."
"Sooo.. this is the same villain?". "No. We'll make a temporary villain for this."
"Why?". "Because  we needed a Russian agent in there somewhere. You know.. it's Bond after all.". (sigh)
"Well anyway, in the meantime we have the unknown super villain hack into MI6 computer network and blow up M's office! Kaboom!. You wait till you see THAT!".
"So he plants a bomb in MI6 headquarters? WOW!". "Well.. uhm.. not quite"
"Huh?". "Yeah well.. we thought we'd have him turn on the gas"
"The gas!? What gas?
"Don't big modern offices have gas stoves or something..?"
"No and in any case, how does the gas get ignited?"
"Hmm.. you know like operated by computer (maybe)". "(deep sigh)OK, let's move on."
"So anyway, MI6 is in ruins, they have to relocate to an old underground lair and Bond resurfaces after drinking Heineken on the beach"
"Good grief! Heineken, you mean as in the beer? Doesn't he drink Vodka Martini?"
"Yes usually.. but Heineken made us a really .. really really good offer! So did Sony with their Vaio laptops. We'll just inconspicuously slot in some product placements here or there."
"So what about the Bond girls? Surely you have those"
"Oh yea.. I was getting to that next. Bond travels to the Far East to track down and kill the man who stole the spy list. He does that easy enough, but then falls in love with a mysterious woman who sets up the previous assassin to kill someone else and she turns out to be a sex slave in a casino with giant lizards and then she's on a big yacht with Bond and they're going to see the super villain and.."
"Woa, hang on, hang on.. back up for a minute. That all sounds very confusing and disjointed". "No not really.. we'll make it look nice. And in any case, the girl's only temporary as well."
"Hmm.. so we meet the super villain?". "Oh yes, he's got his own island surrounded by bodyguards with automatic weapons and so forth. Bond single-handedly kills all of them and captures the villain. The genius here is that the villain wanted this all along so he can infect the MI6 computer with a virus so he can escape through the subway and kill M.". "Good lord! But didn't you say he could hack into Mi6 before? Why did he want to get captured?"
"Well, it all makes it more 'bond-like'. In any case, M survives the attack but the villain escapes yet again.". "Dastardly!"
"Oh absolutely! But the best bit is yet to come. You see Bond and M drive away to a really secluded location called Skyfall. They'll have to use old cars so the villain can't track them. They'll then get Q to post a computer track of where they're going so that the villain knows where to find them.". "Hmm.. that doesn't make sense. Anyway, I imagine a battle ensues between all of MI6 and the villain? The trap being sprung, right?". "Uhm.. no, not quite. It'll just be Bond, his old caretaker and M. No real weapons or backup as such."
"What, just the three of them? But don't they have millions in resources at their disposal? I mean this is the British secret service after all.". "Well they do, but we don't want to make it look too easy. In any case Bond and M prepare the old house with all manner of booby traps and stuff.". "With a big weapons cache?". "No, not really. Couple of rifles, a stick of dynamite perhaps, but that's it."
"So let me get this straight. Bond and M know they are going to be hunted and killed?
"Yes"
"..and they're going to defend themselves against a bunch of killers with some booby traps and dynamite" "Yeah.. cool isn't it! Have you ever seen McGyver? Just like that"
"Groan..