The Judi Dench Show

Rating: 2/10 (16 November 2012)

Someone has decided to use my favorite fictional character to drive a plot he doesn't belong in.
Sure, the story of an aging professional woman coming to terms with the ethical sacrifices she'd felt compelled to make over a storied career sounds like an interesting one. You could tell that story by casting her in the role of metaphorical mother to two opposing sons, two outcomes, if you will. One good. One bad. Was her time on earth worth it? Were her sins forgivable? Has she engendered any loyalty? It all depends on which son wins the duel. Which of the two personified outcomes prevail would depend entirely on her objective worth in the world. Who will win? The good son or the bad? Both have reason to doubt her. Both fear and respect her. Both are defined by her.
Does this sound like a James Bond movie to you?
No.
Want to know why?
Because nobody defines James Bond but James Bond, that's why.
Because mothers and sons, family and regret, doubt and redemption are not what the 007 franchise was ever about or should ever be about.
James Bond movies are about what's possible when you subtract fear from the equation. About the value of knowing what to do in diverse situations. About all the intangible benefits of a little education and refinement. About how it's possible to act courageously and even violently without losing one's humanity or dignity. James Bond movies are about honor and duty, comradery and treachery, sex and decadence, greed and power, revenge and justice. They're about overcoming long odds through perseverance and cool-headedness. They're about the often unexpected shapes evil comes in, from the diabolical mastermind to the flattering seductress. They are about not allowing oneself to be impressed with evil, however monstrous its scope. It is escapist fantasy about living in the real world.
The joy in making new Bond films should come in adapting these themes to ever more modern sensibilities. Ever more modern circumstances.
'Skyfall,' the latest so-called installment in the 007 franchise feels as if it were written for someone's grandmother after a visit with a shrink. What does some aging mother's legacy turn out to be? Who gives a sh!t. I paid for a James Bond movie. You don't get to pepper a bunch of chase scenes into a film and expect me to let it pass as a Bond flick. No.
No.
In the present offering, we meet our protagonist, James Bond, hard at work as usual chasing some cat down who's boosted a hard drive that can expose secret agents all over the world. Better catch him! But because of a judgment call made by Dame Judi Dench's 'M,' Bond ends up shot and left for dead. She's sad but unapologetic. He's p!ssed enough to stay away from Mi6 HQ until it comes under attack by a master hacker named Silva, played by Javier Bardem. Bond comes in from the cold and proceeds to fail all the tests required to return to active duty.
Luckily, Mom's there to make it all better. This isn't my analogy, mind you; Bond actually calls her Mom or "Mum" throughout the film. She fudges his results for him so he can go run and play with the other boys.
There's so much wrong here I don't even know where to begin. Suffice it to say, James Bond does not miss on the shooting range. He just doesn't.
But the woeful "humanization" of the Bond character doesn't stop there. At various points in the film, he is taunted for his age by a lover, mocked as obsolete by a nerd (the new 20-something Q) and forced to feign homosexuality.
Seriously, who wrote this? It's not that he's challenged by friend and foe alike at every turn, it's that the challenges go largely unanswered. Bond as dumb lug who knows how to take his lumps like a good monkey boy. Ian Fleming is spinning in his grave.
Anyway, Silva's p!ssed at M and for good reason. No really, you'd be p!ssed and want to kill her, too. Honest to God, it was a total betrayal. M totally and willfully betrayed Silva and we're all supposed to just route for her on the grounds that that's just life in the intelligence business. Silva's just some weird gay guy with bad teeth after all and probably doesn't look nearly as good in a tailored suit as Daniel Craig. So who cares what his beef is. Right? Craig's the good son.
Are Silva's motivations explored further? Are the commonalities between Silva's and Bond's view of M's behavior explored? Are the ironies of the fact that the biggest new threat to the UK's national security arose directly out of M's leadership style explored at all?
No, no, and quite the contrary. In a scene remarkable for its lack of irony, M defends Mi6 to a governmental review board just as one of her own agents comes in to shoot up the joint.
The final confrontation between good son and bad plays out over about 45 minutes of retarded action sequences featuring Craig loping around in thousand dollar suits like a confused prom queen and bustling Mum off to the countryside to hide from the bad guys like a pair of useless weiners. If you've seen 'Patriot Games,' you've seen how this stupid movie plays out.
And last, but not least, Bond does not drink beer.
Vodka Martini, please. Shaken, not stirred.
You'll need one after this piece of crap.