A confused film full of complete morons

Rating: 2/10 (9 December 2012)

For me the problem with this film is that it's trying to be two very different things. Bond as gritty realism is good. Bond as camp nonsense is good. This is trying to be both and I don't think it can do that successfully.
As a person I am very rational, so I may well find it harder than most to suspend disbelief. I can do it in most circumstances but EVERYONE in this film is a complete moron. James Bond is a moron. M is a moron. The politicians are morons. The police and security are sedated, cross-eyed morons. The baddies are all morons. Every single person working at MI5 is a moron.
Yes, obviously you can and will have that implausibly unrealistic situation where trained assassins can't shoot each other with 50 bullets from 10 foot but in my opinion you have to at least TRY and have a reason they can't hit each other. That, I think, is why you have to have Bond on location on his own, so it's one on one or Bond is outnumbered. When you have the story play out in the good guys' HQ, you're basically saying that they're ALL completely incompetent, to the level (and sometimes beyond) the slapstick parodies of the genre like Austin Powers if they can't keep one, unarmed man in a cage, when they all have guns. He might as well have just waved his fingers at them and sent them out for Orange Sherbert because that would have been equally realistic.
It's disingenuous, to the point where I'm disengaged and consequently bored. Basically if you paused the film at any point where a decision is made and said "what's a sensible thing for the good guy to do here?" they'd do the exact opposite, usually to a point way beyond what you think is the most stupid thing possible.
The case in point for me: "One mental case is trying to kill us, what shall we do?" The answer is not "drive into the middle of nowhere, with no weapons and not tell anyone. That is moronic.
What's worst about that, I think, is that it's done from a lazy standpoint where having something look cinematic is far more important than the narrative. I don't think most critics who like this film would let a stand-alone film get away with being this lazy and cynical.
I read in another review on here that "you believe this man *bond* could exist". Yes, you can. But that's only because there are real people who are also morons. Some of them are alcoholics. Some of them can fight. Some of them may be able to hold their breath under ice cold water for about 2 minutes whilst triangle choking someone, without going into convulsions, having recently been shot with radioactive bullets.
A few other quick points. - As has been mentioned elsewhere, jumping someone in the shower that you've barely spoken to, who's lived their life from a pre-teen sex slave, is not cool. It wouldn't be cool if she wasn't a sex slave. - Bardem was charismatic but still, none of the hacking plot made any sense either, as has been pointed out in the highly ranked reviews. - The opening credits were great.
But again, to sum it up, either you're going for gritty realism, or you're going for completely nonsensical slapstick. If you're going for realism, don't make some of the most intelligent people on the planet into complete driveling idiots that couldn't make a sensible decision if their nonsensical, not-even-caricatured (because a caricature at least has a foundation in reality), lives depended on it.
Why it's most disappointing though; the film did not need to be this stupid and nonsensical. You can have just as much fun but make it at least tenuously believable. Chase them into the Home Alone lair or something - don't have them choose to go their of their own accord. It's not that difficult.
So if you like this film, never be snooty about anything like Harry Potter or Twighlight because in the context of the world this film exists in, this Bond film is infinitely more stupid and nonsensical than either of those films. However, if you aren't a snob and just liked it for the nonsense it was, that's all good! My girlfriend is one of you and she's alright with me. :)