James Bond? More like James' boast, more like.

Rating: 2/10 (18 November 2012)

This afternoon, me and my fine friend Steven went into town to watch Madagascar 3. Sadly due to a mixup at the cinema we ended up having to watch that bloody Skyfall film. We tried complaining to the manager but he was more upset that we had drilled a hole in the side of the building so we could see a film rather than buy a ticket. It's a good thing he didn't find the toilet hole or we'd really be for it.
I've got no idea why people are getting so excited over all this Bond rubbish. Apparently they've made four hundred films with him in it so apparently it's some sort of big deal. Basically old crust features Daniel Craig plays James Bond, some spoilt little boy who gets to go on holiday all the time, and his Mum is some scraggy old bonebag who literally lets him get away with murder. He's always being naughty and bullying the weaker boys, and his Mum doesn't even bat an eyelid as he strangles them or shoots them in the face or feeds them to a crocodile. It's disgraceful, what that bully needs a good clout, I tell you if I was his Dad I would take off my belt and whip his bare bottom until it was shredded with gore. I also would take the opportunity to squeeze his butt-cheeks as although he is a nuisance, Daniel Craig is a dishy hunk.
The film focuses on Bond's relationship with his mother and how he learns to respect her. At the start of the film their relationship is pushed to breaking point when he has yet another of his ridiculous, destructive tantrums. He gets all upset because some boy steals one of his Megadrive games and chases him across India, causing as he ploughs his Landrover through crowds of people and smashes up a train with a digger. Finally brings the hammer of discipline down and has him shot in the heart. A bit extreme you might think, when she could have got him on the naughty step or my buttock-based punishment, but luckily he falls in a river which washes the bullet out or something because in the next scene he's fine and partying with a scorpion.
Despite having his guts torn up with lead he still refuses to show any respect to his Mum, choosing to sardonically call her "M" or "Marm", rather than "Mummy-wummy" or "Lovely mother" like you're supposed to. M is even worse, coldly acknowledging him as "007". The fact she has to add the double zero makes me shudder to think how many kids she's actually had. We know a lady like that in town, her womb keeps plopping out on the street, it's disgusting.
But anyway, back to the story. I should probably warn you that this review contains SPOILERS, but if you really want to spoil yourself, you should watch Mr Bean's Holiday. It's a much better film. So yeah, after Bond is finished with being dead this other boy called Saliva turns up who is supposed to be Bond's brother or something, and he's really upset with "M" because a long time ago she lost him at the shops and he got tortured by a bunch of bad sailors. So he goes off in a sulk and spends all his pocket money on guns and soldiers so he can shoot his old Mum's bum off. We've all been there. First he tries to kill her with a big bomb, then with some bullets, and finally a helicopter full of bullets. James does his best to stop him by setting a series of home alone style traps around his house, horribly murdering all of Saliva's gang and then kills him with his handy pocket sword. It looks like Bond has saved the day, but sadly it turns out M has cut herself anyway and all her blood falls out. Bond cradles her bony old bits in his hands, his veneer cracks and he finally cries for his Mummy. Probably because he knew the money would dry up and he wouldn't be able to go to Disneyland Paris this year.
A lot of people criticised this film as Bond is starting to look a little old and tired. I totally agree, Daniel Craig is 44, far too old to be playing a cheeky little boy. So inevitably M has to be even older! Luckily they've got saggy old 128 year old Judy Dense from the Calendar Girls. I was terribly worried that she would forget what film she was in and try to take her clothes off again, but fortunately she didn't. That's the sign of a good director.
My main problem with the Bond franchise is that it's so unrealistic. Ordinary people can't do the things 007 does like shoot big guns or drive fast cars or have a girlfriend or anything so they find it hard to relate to it. I'd much prefer it if he just did things us regular folks, like make some marmite toast or visit his Nan. This overblown orgy of sex and violence is just showing off, and frankly I got sick of him rubbing our noses in his luxurious lifestyle. If I wanted that I'd go look at the posh people shopping in fancy establishments in Lidl or Aldi.
I do have to admit the film did rub off on us a little bit, leaving us a little bit jealous. We tried to get a raise in our weekly allowance from Dad so we could be more like Bond but no matter how much we pleaded, shouted or begged he wouldn't give in. In the end we gave up and put him back in his grave.
And because of that we have to go to court for some reason. That's why we're giving this film 2/10.