Not even close to cigar

Rating: 7/10 (29 November 2012)

I felt like Homer Simpson during this movie, I thought I was so close to making it across the gorge (on my metaphorical skateboard) but now after having my second thought I find myself suddenly plunging once again to the depths of cinematic failure and disappointment; Doh! I mean when did both Bond and his villains suddenly become such apron clutching delinquents who start bed wetting the moment they find out Santa isn't real?
My real problem with the movie was predictability. Right from the outset the story had holes wider than the pretty boy inmate we all love and like my friend with OCD you knew what would happened next. The story goes from capturing a hard drive to Bond on vacation to a terrorist plot to protecting M – all plot lines which were tossed aside like last night's left overs! Peppered with poor attempts at being techy (sorry Sheldon, Raj, Howard and Lenard), gloomy shots of a London summer and some old Scottish fart living in the shadows I was pretty bored for much of it. And we all knew he didn't pass the tests! Off course the baddie escapes his Hannibal lecter prison cage! Obviously "years of planning" is never enough (the bad guy still gets it wrong)! 'Woman in shower' always equals 'Bond infiltrating unthreateningly from behind' (I always get a squeal and a slap when I try), I mean bond is like a fungal nail infection – it never really dies, so stop trying to convince us he has!
Everyone who watches bond watches it for 3 reasons: 1) the bond girl 2) the larger than life eccentric villain and 3) gadgets. This movie really had none of these! It's sad that they actually make a point of being gadget-less! What happen to the good ol' days when Bond always ended in bed with the girl? Where are the villains who want to take over the world, start WW3, have a satellite sun ray gun thingy, metal teeth, killer hats and a fluffy pussy (cat)? Instead we have to put up with a whiny, homo-erotic, Boris Johnson lookalike who has a fetish for computers (is that supposed be Mendes' attempt at bringing Bond into the 21st century?) and likens himself to a rat – and boy does he have mummy issues...
I guess if you look at this film as a memento to the 50 years of Bond it actually does okay. The old school Bond cheese always makes me smile, the endless references to the old movies, the half-baked desperately intertwined story lines (from old Bonds) and the return of a certain iconic gadget we all loved and wanted to one day own (once we'd grown up and had enough money) do give it a nostalgic feel and made me want to go home and start an old school Bond marathon.
All in all I think this movie had the ingredients for being something special, instead it's special like how you tell the dumb kid in class that he's "special". The nostalgia was great but the plot holes and 'M for mother' feel in the movie left me bewildered like the armless man with a spare watch
By the way, where did that hard drive go?