Not another Bond Movie

Rating: 4/10 (13 November 2012)

Now skyfall is another movie altogether. No more vodka martinis, no more gadgets (there seems to be a particular inclination to move away from using those because there is an actual scene in the movie where Q – the new one; tells James Bond that Gadgets are kinda old fashioned; What! And using a finger print enabled gun is not!), no more scintillating bond girls. Its the end of the James Bond as we know it. The plot – jilted ex employee wants to take revenge, makes one helluva plan to infiltrate the Headquarters and achieves nothing. What kind of a stupid super villain is he? You would say its because he wants to kill himself and her with one bullet! Just kill the woman and then kill yourself, you are a super villain, grow a pair. James bond gets shot first in the right side, then on the left side by his own dear little bond girl, and of course he's alive after falling miles into a ravine, then down a waterfall and somehow is magically resurrected, ending up in the bed of some random woman, attending parties in shacks without a care in the world and drinking tequila, then bam he realizes he is James bond and gets back soon enough because you know his headquarters was attacked. And yeah the scar is only on his left side where the bond girl shot him, because you know she's a bond girl. And yeah he takes a fitness test and fails it but is still a badass and James Bond so bam, he's back on duty. The second bond girl exists for one shower scene only and then she takes James to Silva (the villain) who toys with James and then kills the second bond girl. Some bond girl she is. Yeah so Silva brilliantly infiltrates their headquarters and is foiled in his attempt to kill M by a bunch of screaming panicking people who get in his way. And Lord Voldermont. And James who just happens to reach there in time (by running the 100 metres dash) and bond girl 1 who shot James bond. What a rag tag bunch of people against the world's most capable assassin. So Silva botches it and runs away only to be put back on the scent of James and M by James bond and the new Q who I think is equal parts brilliant and stupid. So yeah Silva led by a trail of breadcrumbs arrives at Skyfall manor (where James was born but hates the place because you know its dark and gloomy and doesn't have Vodka martinis). So now here is Silva with a helicopter and a bunch of trained mercenaries, each of whom look as capable as James Bond himself, led by this fierce assassin and they are foiled by an old gamekeeper, an old woman who can't shoot straight and of course the one and only James Bond who proceeds to take down a helicopter with a stick of dynamite and 2 gas cylinders. I wasn't surprised at this point because Silva really is a shitty assassin as is established by this point in the movie. So they escape through a tunnel below the manor (because what manor does not have hidden tunnels) and blow up the manor because of course James doesn't like it and whatever James doesn't like must be obliterated by huge explosions. So somehow half of Silva's team is wiped out by now and he is beyond himself with rage when he sees M being led by the old gamekeeper to a nearby chapel, you know to pray because that's what you would do when you are in mortal danger. So what does he do.. like any other supervillian he starts walking casually towards the Chapel, because as far as he is concerned he has all the time in the world to kill M (and yeah beneath supervillians to hurry, the hero needs time to get in the way, old movie cliché). So yeah, Bond escapes through the same tunnel and comes up behind Silva who is taking his evening walk towards M. In trying to take a shortcut, he suddenly finds himself on thin ice surrounded by Silva and his goon. So instead of killing James Bond here, they have a nice little chat (something about how nice the weather is and a vodka martini would've been nice because its cold and maybe if they had ice skates, they could've ice skated and something about Ian Fleming rolling around in his grave and blah blah blah) and then Silva bids James adieu leaving him in the capable hands of his mercenary who instead of killing James, moves close to him so that he may quickly disarm him and take him for a swim (every cliché in the book) and of course he's carrying a flare gun because which mercenary doesn't carry one and yay James Bond successfully swims out of the lake thanks to the above-mentioned flare gun. In the meantime Silva is pressing cheeks with M because you know he has to find out what moisturiser she's using; Asking her to pull the trigger (and I swear you look at the Gamekeeper at this point you will see he is hoping that she does pull the trigger) and while everybody is hoping that M will pull the trigger Bond walks in and puts a knife in Silva's back. It is then that Silva realizes that maybe he should've killed Bond instead of trying to seduce him. So yeah Silva dies of a knife wound, M dies of boredom immediately after that; I think the Gamekeeper dies because he was laughing so hard at Silva's stupidity and James Bond dies of pneumonia. Last I heard they are now thinking of merging characters from all the similar movies to get the Expendables, McClane, the Transporter and Jackie Chan into the next Bond Movie. They are calling it 'Not another Bond Movie'