A great film, but not Bond

Rating: 5/10 (10 November 2012)

Skyfall was disappointing. My overall impression? It was a great and enjoyable film if it were an ordinary action film, but it was NOT a Bond film.
Skyfall lacked everything that differentiates Bond from every other action hero.
1. The film did not open with the gun barrel sequence. It was pointlessly tacked on at the end. That is so stupid. If you are going to include the sequence at all, why put it at the end? Just to be different? The gun barrel sequence is important at the beginning because it sets the tone. It revs the audience up and gets you in the Bond mood. Some traditions shouldn't be messed with.
2. There were no visible naked women in the opening sequence. We want dancing naked women! There, I said it. Yes, there were two naked women that it showed from the shoulders up, but that doesn't count. Everything else was CGI, and with way too much focus on Daniel Craig himself.
At this point I must add that I loved Adele's theme song, until a FREAKING CHURCH CHOIR started singing behind her! That ruined the whole song. It was completely inappropriate to the tone of the film. When she sang by herself, that was awesome. Why did she ruin it like that?
3. The Q sequence was extremely lame. Q gave Bond a gun and a radio transmitter. Q is supposed to give Bond cool gadgets. A gun is not a gadget. Q said, "Did you want an exploding pen?" Yes, Q, I freaking did.
4. No actual female nudity was shown, but we sure got to see Daniel Craig with his shirt off all the freaking time.
5. James Bond didn't say anything funny in this film. Sure the writers attempted to give him jokes, but THEY WEREN'T FUNNY. I didn't hear a single laugh in the theater.
Even when Bond could have said something funny, he didn't. Like when he stabbed Silva in the back at the end, and he starts slouching toward him, the old Bond would have made a quip about his death. What Bond should have said is something like "I can see your back is killing you." That would have been brilliant.
6. James Bond did use his Walther PPK, but he didn't treat it with any respect. He got frustrated and threw it down at the beginning. Then when he got a new one, he simply left it in the pit at the Asian place. In fact, I am amazed at how often Bond thought it would be a great idea for him to go around with no gun whatsoever.
Like at the end, when he is chasing Silva to the old church, he knocks out a bad guy with a machine gun. But does Bond grab the gun like any sensible person would do? No, he continues chasing Silva weaponless, and is immediately confronted by Silva who has a gun and stops him helpless on the ice. SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE MACHINE GUN, IDIOT.
7. Bond failed to rescue the girl (who happens to be M) in the final sequence. Which is OK, because I hated Judi Dench anyway.
8. The film lacked the typical ending with Bond about to ravish some hottie.
9. The end credits did say "James Bond will return," but failed to name the next film. What, are they too lazy to think of a title? Here's a bright idea- make another of Ian Fleming's actual books.
10. The number one rule of James Bond is that he must never, ever, ever, be Daniel Craig. But to my dismay, James Bond was again Daniel Craig. And he looked worse than ever. How could someone so ugly be James Bond? Seriously. And before you ladies go on about how hot his body is- have you ever paid attention to his chest hair? The man has no chest hair except for two little patches that grow in rings around his nipples, and this hair is long my friend, like six inches long! It hangs down like a woman's hair from his nipple. What a freak.
By the way, why were they talking about Bond being old in this movie? This is only the third film of the reboot, and he isn't supposed to be old yet, knuckleheads. This is James Bond at the beginning of his career. How can he be old already?
All in all, the filmmakers went with the same dry, Bourne-like stuff that they did in the last two films. Bond is not supposed to be realistic like that. He is supposed to be over the top. Is it realistic that the guy turns on every woman he meets? Bond was never realistic, just like Batman (you hear that Christopher Nolan?).
The best sequence was when Craig pulled out the old Aston Martin and the classic Bond music played, and everybody in the theater went wild. That was the most excited anybody got during the whole film. Do you know why? People like the old Bond and they want the old Bond. The formulas are what made Bond successful to begin with.
One final thought. When "Bond" word associates "murder" with "employment," that makes absolutely no sense. The classic Bond was not a murderer; he was not an anti-hero like Bourne. In one of the classic Bond films (I can't remember which) he even actually says that he doesn't kill innocent people. The old Bond actually recoiled at the thought of being labeled a murderer. Bond is a killer, not a murderer. My Bond only kills murderers and those he has to kill in self-defense.
Skyfall is Bond without all the fun and sex. So go see it if that's what you're into.