Like Swimming in a Pool of Cheap Rotgut

Rating: 7/10 (18 July 2005)

It was the grimiest grind house in town. Yeah. The Carmike. Williamsburg, Vee Ay. My town. What can you say about a place whose best day was 1764? Guess it was all downhill after Washington and his French buddies gave Fat George and his boys the bum's rush.
I shuffle up to the box office. Cash only. Figures. Only jack talks in this town. The goateed guy behind the window doesn't even look at me. Just at my sawbuck. Guess he'd rather be at a comic book store.
The floor's so sticky that I have pry up my Doctor Dentons with my shiv just to take a step. The first seat I try folds like a bad poker hand, and I barely keep my keister out of a pile of melted goo on the floor. The place stinks. I haven't smelled this much coconut oil since I passed out on Virginia Beach after a three-day Sterno binge. Seems like the right place to see Sin City.
Yeah. Sin City. If a movie had a smell, this one would reek of cigarettes, cheap hooch, and even cheaper sex. Looks like the kind of town where the main cause of death is lead poisoning contracted during a smoke in a filthy toilet stall.
But, at the get go, it's all about love. Boy meets girl. Boy kisses girl. Boy whacks girl with his big 44 mag. Love sure makes people do funny things.
Bruce Willis shows up as Hartigan, the only honest cop in Sin City. Smart move when your acting career is in the tank. Go back to the old Pulp Fiction well. Too bad he has a bum ticker. He shoots the equipment off some creep who's favorite song is "Thank Heaven for Little Girls." He saves a little girl, but the creep has low friends in high places.
Mickey Rourke shows up next as Marv, a big gorilla who looks like the Frankenstein monster after he's finished a hitch in the Marines. A beautiful hooker named Goldie gives him a night of sweaty bliss. Too bad she wakes up dead in the morning. Poor dope. Looks like he's being framed. What did he expect in Sin City? Marv "kills his way to the top" to find out who's framing him. But he didn't figure on getting his butt kicked by Frodo Baggins. Yep, Elijah Wood with the kung-fu grip takes big Marv down. It's like watching the Lollipop Guild wail on Sergeant Rock. But Marv don't stay down long.
The next story is another heart warmera killer, a bad cop, some Irish mercs, and an army of hookers. You'd swear this was a Disney flick--maybe "Herbie Goes to the Tenderloin" or "Pollyanna's Big Score." Clive Owen is Dwight, a "killer with a new face" who's after Benicio del Toro, a bad cop whose been slapping around Dwight's new girl. Dwight chases the flatfoot into Old Town, which is the territory of the Fighting Hookers of the 101st Prophylactic. Seems that the hookers have a deal with the cops and the mob that gives them Old Town. Seems that they didn't know del Toro was a cop. Seems that this kung-fu hooker killed the copper by plugging his gat so it backfires (never let this happen to you). Seems this breaks the truce and gives the mob a chance to retake Old Town. Seems it's up to Dwight and his old hooker girlfriend (Rosario Dawson) to keep this from happening. Seems like nothing is ever like it seems.
Remember Hartigan? Well, he's been framed, too, by the creep's old man, who happens to be a senator (Powers Booth). Tough break. Hartigan gets out of the joint after eight years, but he's a tool for finding the little girl he saved at the beginning. She's found a fulfilling career as dancer with a rope act at this dive where Marv hangs out. I never meet classy broads like that. Anyway, Hartigan has to save her from this yellow-skinned creep who who looks like he was on the losing side of the War of the Rings. No prizes for guessing who he is. Seems that the creep's old man found some drugs that grew back what Hartigan shot off, but with some nasty side effects. Never use that stuff they hawk on the Internet.
But remember, all this is in the name of love. Sweaty, grimy, blood-soaked l-o-v-e.
I shambled out of the theater, my feet crunching on half-eaten Lemonheads and sticking to stinking puddles of Cherry Coke syrup. So, what about this Sin City? Definitely looks cool, but I doubt that Suzie Sunshine and Larry Lawnmower in Suburbia are gonna take to it. Not too multiplex friendly, this flick. But I bet they sneak it out of video stores in plain brown wrappers.