Big, loud & dumb CGI horror fest

Rating: Null/10 (17 October 2006)

I didn't expect much in the way of storytelling or suspense in a film based on a video game, but this was an embarrassment. All the lurid horror clichés are on offer; ravens flying round the church, witch burning. I don't even know what I just saw. There's no story, just one mindless action sequence after another. Sure, the beginning is promising and the first half hour it still got my attention, but soon it becomes clear that no effort was made to draw characters who have any resemblance to human beings and pretty soon it all becomes an alarmingly senseless excuse for and endless string of computer generated gory effects.
This is also a film that takes itself way too seriously, some in-joke reference could have made this slightly more bearable. We have undefinable creatures that are lurking in some underground tunnel complex, where for the last thirty years a coal fire is raging under the ground. At first I was intrigued - a little - but since it is absolutely impossible to grasp what these "things" are and no explanation is given, it becomes nothing more than a video-game side-show. The final scene in the church, where the whole cast suffers from some incredible over-acting, has some spectacular effects, I'll admit that, but eventually goes WAY over the top and takes so long, it soon becomes downright ridiculous. Going over the top can be fun, but not without humor.
Former Tarantino video clerk-buddy Roger Avary penned this thing down and assembled some bad Canadian actors. He should be so lucky he got co-story credit for RESERVOIR DOGS and PULP FICTION, since he clears things for us here. He can't write, he's got no idea whatsoever that a motion picture has very little in common with a video game. You need to have actual human beings in a motion picture, or present some interesting visual ideas. We get neither.
And the dialog...? I can't remember all the mumbo jumbo I've heard. The second half of the film is full of hysterical lines like;
"The Truth is clear for those who see."
"We drew a line in the sand and said: Demon, do not cross!"
And I thought THE VILLAGE was a new low in pseudo satanic reli-crab.
Sean Bean was top-billed but he only has five minutes screen time with - again - mind-bogglingly awful dialog.
Skip this big-budget overblown piece of junk.
Camera Obscura --- 2/10