People like this? Are we all talking about the same movie here?

Rating: Null/10 (23 April 2006)

I'm mystified....totally mystified that anybody could possibly get into this story. Terribly acted and written from start to finish, to the point that I actually wanted to cover my eyes and ears not out of fear but out of embarrassment for the actors. I kept thinking "that person is the worst actor in the movie" only to have someone else show up and be even worse - really, this is the most massive, across-the-board display of awful acting you're likely to find outside of a porn video.
Yes, I've played the games, and yes, they were really scary, but the movie only recreates that feeling briefly at one or two moments. The rest of the time it's far too tedious and awkward to be remotely exciting or even interesting - I couldn't lose myself in the story enough to be scared, and I tried, I really did. The makers of the game understood what makes a situation scary, but the movie never quite grasps it. It's 2 hours that feel like at least two and a half. The scenes with Sean Bean (who looks like he really misses Middle-Earth, where his acting style made sense) feel as tacked-on as they apparently were. And don't even get me started on the whole "Did you follow all my clues?" exposition sequence - the worst narration I've ever heard in my life. Wow. Just...wow.
This is easily one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen, and I've seen "Master of Disguise." (No, I don't remember why. Maybe someone dared me to.) Maybe the target audience is so used to the bad voice-over acting in the game ("Radio...what's going on with that radio?") that the characters' reactions in the movie actually seem believable by comparison - except they don't, even by that standard; they're that bad. I love video games as much as the next person, but if their net effect on American culture is an increased tolerance for steaming piles like this one, maybe they are bad for you after all.
p.s. What's with that random shot of the bushes outside Sean Bean's front door? Is there some "symbolism" I missed? Is it maybe an acknowledgment that watching plants grow is about as entertaining as everything else we've just seen? Just a theory.