I thought this movie was terrible

Rating: 2/10 (7 August 2002)

I don't know where to begin with this movie. I saw it last night, and at the end my husband and I just burst out laughing right there in the movie theater. Maybe if it had not been so hyped I would have been less offended, but really what are people thinking comparing the directing to Hitchcock and Speilberg? I am less surprised by how bad the movie is, and more by people's reactions to it, which I find absolutely flabbergasting.
***SPOILERS ALL THE WAY!**** The story, such as it is, has been summarized in other reviews so I will deal with its meager elements. I'm not sure whether these are spoilers because frankly I did not find anything suspenseful in the entire movie. But if you have made up your mind to see it anyway then you should avoid reading this paragraph. Mel Gibson stars as a wooden faced ex-priest who everyone still calls father but who has apparently given up his priesthood because his wife died in a car accident. First of all not much of a priest to put one's faith in - I mean what did he tell his parishioners who experienced tragedy - better you than me? Anyway take the director's word for it - the man has lost his faith in God. And the movie is about how he regains that faith in one revelating moment (the last 2 mins). That's it. Even if one is remotely interested in how an individual misplaces or regains "faith" this movie would not satisfy- there is no gradual questioning or development, there is no subtlety anywhere to be found. This is not one man's "journey" - there is no trip, the guy is standing in the same spot and stuff falls out of the sky onto his head. Faith is regained in an aha moment, just like it was apparently lost in one. Even though I'm not a remotely religious person (and this premise bores me silly) I can still see how insulting it is to pitch faith as an object one can lose in an instant. What about the fact that this guy does not believe, respect,or get any joy out of his son, brother or daughter? To me he looked like he needed to take some Prozac.

Ok now for the mistreated aliens in the movie. People have billed the alien invasion as being scary. I wonder what movies these people have been watching? Hokey - yes, cheesy - yes, scary - no. Compare this to the Blair Witch Project ( a far far superior movie so I don't really want to suggest that they are comparable), and what you have is Everybody Loves Raymond. There are precisely 3 BOO! moments that you are fully expecting and that are very shabby. Getting into the specifics, these aliens are technologically advanced enough to come all the way across the universe - yet they have not figured out that water can kill them? What happens when it rains?! The planet is 3/4 water for chrissakes! The alien part was so schlocky that all I can assume is that the director meant it to be that way. Why so lame? It was a way to get people into the movie theater - which has worked. When people attribute a subtler motive, i.e. the alien stuff is to distract you etc, that does not work because without the aliens the guy could not regain his faith - the big message. Contrary to what is being put forth, the alien part is crucial - i.e. no aliens - no plot. Then why was it done so badly? Because he could not figure out a way to do it well. If you want to see a real spoof of aliens see Mars Attacks. Signs is not a nod to bad B movies of aliens attacking earth - this is the genuine article.
Now to the characters. There are 4 in the family and one policewoman. The two kids and the policewoman are all developed early and then they disappear. Why? I don't know. The kids don't literally disappear (the police does even though aliens are attacking)- but they don't have any roles once the aliens attack. Boy is laid low with asthma, girl stands around. At the beginning the boy is given a rather proactive role, he hears sounds on the baby monitor, checks a book out of the library and teaches his dad and uncle everything there is to know about aliens, makes tin hats for everyone to protect their thoughts. Then once the attack happens - kaput. Nothing, he's got no plan, no ideas, no role. The boy killed the beloved family dog with an axe to protect his sister in the first scene, and then when the aliens attack, all he;s asked to do is pass out. I think the director was too distracted trying to get Mel Gibson to develop a second expression for his face. Apparently the whole point of having that character in the movie is that he had asthma. Then all the stuff at the beginning was just to keep the actor busy cos it has no significance whatsoever for the movie. Same for the policewoman, just disappears in the second half of the film when these people are under attack! Perhaps the local law enforcement agency needs more funding. Then you have the director himself in an incredibly stupid vignette - a long winded melodramatic speech asking for forgiveness and then he revs up the car and drives off at high speed while Mel Gibson is still holding on to the side of the car. You'd think that if you ran over someone you would watch your wheels around remaining members of their family. The brother. The brother is a jock, albeit a somewhat unsuccessful one. Is that relevant for the movie? No. This jock does not even think of bringing a weapon with him down to the basement where they go to hide from the aliens. So let's get this straight, somewhere in rural pennsylvania in the middle of cornfields, in a farmhouse, there are no weapons? I don;t mean AK-47s - no get this, as aliens are trying to break down the windows and doors, two able bodied men take two young children down to the basement, and they don't even have a kitchen knife with them! The jock even has to be directed to a baseball bat to smite one of the evil ones - otherwise he would just keep standing there with his mouth slightly agape while a slimy creature digs its long unpainted nails into his nephew's face.Of course the jock can;t reach for the baseball bat himself because faithless guy has to remember dead wife's last words and direct him to pick up the bat. All part of the subtle plot.
I will stop now, reliving this film has been painful. But I have to add one last note - thank god for the last scene - that kept us laughing all the way home.