Aggressively bad

Rating: 1/10 (11 August 2002)

That's right. Unlike many bad films, _Signs_ is not content to merely be a lesser example of what we call film-making; it seemed to me that this film was actually trying to hurt me. To say it in the nicest possible way, M. Night Shyamalan is a terrible director. He has no sense of mood or timing, cannot structure a cohesive plot to save his life, and can't scare the audience without resorting to cheap sound effect tricks. The humorous elements, which should be cathartic, instead make the film choppy and unbelievably annoying. The philosophy of the film has all the depth of a puddle and only pays lip service to the idea that films should have some sort of thematic cohesion. This movie fails to be interesting in any way, shape, or form- at least _The Sixth Sense_ kept us engaged before hitting us with an utterly absurd ending.
My attempts to articulate just how bad this film is fall fantastically short of conveying the experience. Thus, I have made a list of unpleasant things I would do instead of ever seeing this garbage again. I would:

papercut my eyelid - lick soiled toilet paper - eat a bug - be peed on - intentionally place my hand on a hot stove - get a nipple pierced - lick a flagpole in the middle of December

Oh yeah, one other thing: after seeing Mr. Shyamalan in a too long dialogue scene with Mel Gibson, I can add insult to injury- he's a bad actor too. Do us all a favor and stop trying to be Alfred Hitchcock, okay?