By the Morons, for the Morons,

Rating: 1/10 (5 February 2005)

Signs is the worst science-fiction film ever made. Its alien-invasion story is so idiotic it makes Independence Day look clever, and the cinematography is as dull as the plot is stupid. There must be at least an hour of closeups of Mel Gibson's slack, basset-hound face looking nervous but steadfast. Poor Mel needn't have worried so much, because the aliens menacing his farmhouse are so helpless they literally can't figure out how to break down a boarded-up door. Their plan to conquer earth is simple: they plan to wipe us out by breaking and entering our humble abodes and fighting it out with us in unarmed combat. That's right: these advanced interstellar travelers can't come up with any better way of wiping out six billion people by breaking into each and every house on the planet and attacking us with their bare hands, or paws. That's right: they don't have any weapons at all. Yes, folks, these critters can cross the galaxy, but they don't have enough sense to bring a weapon when they attack, not even a tire iron. So when the aliens decide to make Mel's little farmhouse their first strategic objective, their battle plan is simple: a single alien skulks around the living room, totally unarmed, trying to look menacing. This makes the interstellar burglar an easy victim for Mel's little brotherJoaquin Phoenix--an ex-baseball player who's lost his batting average, just like big brother Mel has lost his faith. defeats the alien in the farmhouse living room by getting the IL' Lousiville Slugger off the wall and hitting a home run right off the extraterrestrial's ribcage. Oh, wait, I forgot: the bat just softens up the evil alien, knocking him to the floor where he's finished off by...a spilled glass of water. It seems these technologically advanced ETs failed to note, in their decades of recon, that 2/3s of Earth happens to be covered with water. It's a good thing Phoenix mugged the poor fool; otherwise that first alien picnic at the beach would have been a real bummer. Signs may be a collections of dismal clichés, but it is original in at least two ways: not only are its alien invaders the first to arrive without any weapons, but they're also the first in film history to be baffled by simple wooden doors. First Mel's neighbor locks an alien scout in the pantry, where it scuffles around helplessly. Then the bigger invasion force lands, advances on Mel's farmhouse, and withdraws without managing to get in. What clever tactic has baffled them, you ask? The answer will surprise you: Mel and family have boarded up the doors. Boarded-up doors, a baseball bat, and a spilled glass of water: that's all it takes to foil an interstellar invasion. The really interesting question is why this movie makes its space invaders so comically helpless. Do American audience just need to imagine an enemy they could actually handle, after all the grim news out of Iraq--or are the film's director, star and millions of adoring fans just plain stupid?
John Dolan