Wooden and hollow, sort of like the door the aliens can't pass

Rating: 2/10 (26 June 2012)

M. Night Shyamalan has become the butt of every person's movie joke with his consistently preposterous films, his unusual casting, and his own name. Like every director, I believe he can make a well made, approachable film, but Signs is one of the biggest patient-testing thrillers I've come to know. It's an overwrought, frivolous exercise and a belligerent kick to the science fiction genre and those who aspire to work in the field.
Shyamalan has effortlessly created one of the most unpleasant and meretricious films this side of the Earth. It begins when Graham Hess (Mel Gibson), a former priest, awakens to hear his daughter, Bo (Abigail Breslin) screaming outside in his cornfield. Graham and his brother, currently living with them, Merrill (Joaquin Phoenix) race outside to find Graham's son Morgan (Rory Culkin) and daughter staring blankly into a crushed area of corn, laying flat in a perfectly round circle. Their suspicion grows as rumors of extraterrestrial lifeforms have inhabited our planet and are looking to take over civilization as we know it.
Graham and Merrill have been manning down the fort at home since Graham's wife was killed after being pinned to a tree by a man who had fallen asleep at the window. There is a scene where Graham and the man (played by Shyamalan himself) have an awkward discussion by the side of the road. It is an incredibly insensitive, strangely written scene, with the Shyamalan character reciting some of the worst written dialog in a scene supposed to occupy emotional importance. But that is only one of countless details the film neglects to build on or explain.
The film tries to erect credible, memorable suspense by giving us close to an hour of buildup. I normally commend a film when this happens because I believe it provides the writer's talent to come forth, is one of the biggest and strongest building blocks to a great thriller, and is too often traded for things of a lesser breed. Here, the dialog is painfully slow, which leads to scenes progressing at a staggeringly incompetent pace, and every line of dialog is recited in a hushed, melodramatic sort of whisper that it becomes dreary and impotent abnormally fast.
When we are finally met with the unworldly lifeforms (and trust me, they're not too exciting and their presence is kept at a minimum) we are greeted with one of the most colossal curveballs (not in a good way) and insulting miscalculations I have yet to see in a thriller. The aliens are said to have traveled light years through space and time, built ships of strong stature (which can be assumed since they can perfectly smash a healthy section of corn), and have successfully created a plan, they hope, will allow them to take over our planet. And they're allergic to water. I hate to build on this complaint, seeing as so many other people this side of the IMDb/Rotten Tomatoes forums have voiced criticisms have done so, but it truly not only strikes me as odd but incredibly unbelievable - even for a sci-fi film, where the suspension of disbelief is almost required for every film in the genre.
How are the aliens supposed to survive on a planet that is two-thirds water? Where every breath you take has some moisture in it? It is also stated from Mel Gibson in one of the most laughably unbelievable lines in many a moon that the aliens "seem to have trouble with pantry doors." Yes. They are allergic to water and can't bypass an ordinary wooden door. Which leads me to another question; if the aliens plan to take over the Earth, you'd assume they'd need weapons, right? You can't go around the planet inconveniently landing in people's cornrows and crushing a good crop? If the aliens, presumably, have weapons on board that they could destroy the Earth with, don't you think the same weapons could be used to assist in bypassing a wooden door? It baffles me the negligence towards logic this movie partook in. Signs is a maddening affront to thriller and science-fiction films that try to create characters, atmosphere, and an original storyline, that are left to wallow in exhaust from the unexpected take off of other films of the same genre. I will say the film provides us with good cinematography, but completely disregards it so we can see more of the film's attempts at needless style and inconsistencies more noticeable than a perfect circle in your crops. I've always thought it would be virtually impossible to round up four or more capable performers in a picture and find almost nothing interesting to do with them, or even make an attempt to note their presence, but Signs has definitely proved me wrong.
Starring: Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, and Abigail Breslin. Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan.