Craptacular

Rating: 1/10 (3 January 2003)

I went to see this film with the highest of hopes and the greatest of expectations after witnessing such an impressive trailer. The very notion of intelligent beings from other worlds visiting our own has always intrigued me, and I will usually hurry to the cinema if any new film has even a hint of extraterrestrials in it.
And so with glee I rushed to the theatre to see Signs... oh sorry, signs (without a capital is the "proper" way)... I got there early, I managed to snare a great seat - for once free of obstructions like tall men and women with bee-hive perms - and what did I witness? Did I witness pure genius? Did I witness a theatrical masterpiece? No. I was subjected to almost two hours of *COMPLETE AND UTTER CRAP*.
I will spare you all the horrible, horrible details of this film so that you may see just how craptacular it is for yourself. Watch it with your own eyes. *Marvel* at the intricately crafted plot holes and inconsistencies. *Gasp* at the screenplay which could be written more intelligently by most three-year-olds with a set of Crayolas. *Scream* in horror when you discover that the signs aliens, yes, intelligent beings who have mastered the trivial notion of interstellar travel, are seemingly at a loss when presented with a one-inch thick wooden door.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! You will be *BLOWN AWAY* when you learn that our humble aliens can be killed by WATER! Yes, good old common H20 is the equivalent of sulphuric acid to our alien fiends, and somehow, in their infinite knowledge and wisdom, they decide to use their incredible space travel technology to visit little old Earth, A PLANET WHICH CONSISTS OF OVER SEVENTY PERCENT WATER!!! OH MY GOD, SHYAMALAN, YOU ARE A GENIUS!
I want my two hours of life back!
1 out of 10