An hour and a half

Rating: 3/10 (18 June 2007)

First thing's first: Yes, Shrek the Third features The Eels. Twice, in fact! Good, now that we've gotten past the important part...
Shrek the Third is, well, an hour and a half. That is to say that if you want to spend an hour and a half, this is a great way to do it, but if you want to spend that hour and a half enjoying yourself, or maybe even not enjoying yourself, or hey, feeling ANYTHING, then maybe you should reserve that hour and a half for something that isn't Shrek the Third. Shrek the Third isn't bad, I don't want to say it's really even tedious. Heck, it actually spends the time allotted to it quite concisely. There's no real way to say it, though--this movie provides absolutely no reaction. It wasn't just me: none of the forty some-odd people in the theatre seemed to have much to do either, except maybe the couple in the back, who tried desperately to make their forced laughter seem genuine. Then again, it might be their fault--nothing kills a mood like forced laughter.
Here's the deal: Shrek and Fiona are, you know, dealing with married life and stuff when ol' King Fiona's Father Whatsits decides to croak (get it, croak? He's a frog? Get it? Get it? I should be a Shrek writer). Shrek doesn't want to inherit the kingdom, as his step-father wishes, so he goes off to find Arthur Pendragon, the next-heir-in-line. Meanwhile mean ol' Prince Charming has some designs for taking the kingdom for himself. Also, Shrek is worried about becoming a father. Funny thing is, you know this already, as every single review, synopsis, and advertisement for this movie details this. You probably already know the ending. You probably know the middle. Heck, even if you haven't seen this yet, you know all the gags.
But even that would be slightly acceptable (except knowing the gags) if this movie had any, howdoyousayit, um, "umph" to its jokes. Instead it is lazy and tired. Big bad Shrek just smiles and quietly shrugs off every situation that doesn't involve a spewing baby or a fart joke. Fiona worries around. Donkey, Puss'n'boots, Gingerbread Man, and Pinocchio reference the jokes that they're known for, and run around doing their supporting gags supportingly. In other words, everything that is is, and is what is expected, but isn't enough to really be, if that makes any sense. Believe me, it makes more sense than figuring out why this movie is making as much as it is.
Anyway that's about all I can really muster to mention about something so unmentionable. Normally I'd recommend waiting for rental or discount theatres or something, but to be perfectly honest I can't think of a single reason to go see this movie at all. Oh, wait, yes I can: it features The Eels. Twice! --PolarisDiB