They've actually done it! A movie with *genuine* magical powers!

Rating: Null/10 (3 December 2001)

Concerning "Shrek", I have just this to say:
~~ Imagine yourself to be a person who's been really, *REALLY* sick for a really long time. Imagine that you usually spend thirty minutes or better just cranking up the will power to get up out of bed. This is on a good day; on a bad one, it might take an hour and a half or even longer. You watch LOTS of movies, cartoons, etc., trying to get your mind off your illness (the symptoms are sort of hard to describe; something like a cross between Siberian Death Flu and Radiation Poisoning, but less pleasant).
~~ With VERY few exceptions, your reaction to just about all of them is absolutely zip -- nada. Some cause reactions too scary to talk about; like the kind that produce a "Right -- that's it. Where'd I put that gun? On second thought, forget it. I feel too bad to look for it" sort of response.
~~ Then -- one *particularly* not-nice day -- the kind you want to take back to the store and get a refund on -- a friend drops by unexpectedly and hands you a VHS of "Shrek". "Check this out," says he. "Got a couple of snickers out of this last night."
~~ Within, say, twenty minutes, you find there's a serious possibility your friend has just uttered the Understatement Of All Universes. Your first clue of this comes when you are laughing so hard that your cola beverage goes down the wrong way and you're interrupted for a bit, trying pretty hard to find some spare oxygen somewhere.
~~ After you've finished un-choking yourself to death, and rewind a bit to catch whatever you missed while the suffocation thing was going on, comes the second clue: Pretty shortly, when you're again laughing so hard you realise you're in serious danger of tearing something up in there permanently, your voice gives a final "wHAAAAaaaa..aa..." -- and that's it. You're still laughing; but the only sound you now get is weird, almost inaudible noise -- something like "Heeerr... Heeerrrr", while you're rolling on the floor.
~~ And then -- it's over. But guess what ...? Despite the possibly permanently fragged voice, you are feeling *MUCH* better!! Better than you've felt in many weeks!
~~ Well then -- cease straining your imagination. Because that's almost exactly the effect "Shrek" had on me... well, not the part about rolling on the floor. There's not enough available floor space in my bedroom for that, unless I happened to be the size of a laboratory rat.
~~ It's twenty-four hours later -- and I'm STILL feeling better! But -- er -- there's just one thing: "Shrek 2004"?!? You mean I have to wait THREE YEARS before the sequel to the ONLY movie that has made me feel just a *whole lot* better is produced!?!
~~ (Groan).