It's time to put this movie down!

Rating: Null/10 (9 August 2003)

I went in to "Seabiscuit" very optimistic. With nothing else out in theaters other than mindless drivel, "Seabiscuit" was sure to be a well made, fulfilling film. I've never yearned for death more than the three hours "Seabiscuit" held me in it's icy grip. I'm not going to waste finger strength typing out the story of the movie, and thats for a couple of reasons. Number 1: if you've seen the trailer, you already know all you need to: horse is too small, jockey is too big, trainer is too old, and Jeff Bridges is too dumb to know the difference. Number two: trying to find a definite narrative in "Seabiscuit" is like looking for love in all the wrong places. From the get-go, you know the ship is sinking. The movie opens with a 'History Channel' clip about Henry Ford and the automobile. I tried to remain objective, and thought, "Well, I'm sure that this all has a place in the plot." And at first it does, but it goes nowhere. The movie is chock full of these black and white vignettes which inform the audience on such useless tidbits like the fact that nobody commited suicide on the day of the stock market crash, and many families owned a radio. The movie is painfully predictable, all around. Not a single surprise. And I knew the closing monologue word for word before it was said. Honestly. Editing is unbelievably bad, there is a lot of potential to have tension and exciting moments, but all the buildups to the many horse racing scenes are excruciatinly boring. So what about the good? Cinematography is fair, but nothing notable or original. Acting is all good, but such horribly written characters. Everyone speaks in cliched, life affirming one liners that plucked the heart strings of everyone in the theaters to my dismay. Applause after the movie's conclusion. Everybody totally bought into this sentimental monstrosity that was clearly genetically engineered to play with the emotions of audiences. Bottom line? Go see "Seabiscuit", you'll like it. Just dont leave the theater thinking that the movie is anything more than a shameless waste of celluloid made as an Oscar grab, very much akin to 2001's "A Beautiful Mind".