Seabrisket

Rating: Null/10 (5 December 2003)

You know what I hate? Those cheesy reenactments they always put on television documentaries. You know, the kind where the narrator explains what's happening and we see bad actors trying to do the same on-screen. That's exactly what "Seabiscuit" feels like -- a two and a half hour cheesy reenactment. In fact, it's even narrated by David McCullough, who ironically did the same for Ken Burns' "The Civil War" -- only that was a documentary. "Seabiscuit" is...well...not.
I expected something really epic going into "Seabiscuit," something strong and powerful. "Seabiscuit" is neither. It is a very, very corny movie, and very, very cheesy. I don't care if it's based on a true story or not -- "Seabiscuit" should be chopped into brisket.
I may sound ignorant. I'm not. I went into this movie with extreme optimism, and a quarter of the way through I rested my face in my hand and sighed. Yep, it was a stinker. (The film, that is.) "Seabiscuit" will be on a lot of critics' Top Ten of 2003 lists. It's going to be on my Worst of the Year list -- right next to "Gods and Generals," right where it belongs.
Do you want to really know what's wrong with "Seabiscuit"? It's as dysfunctional as the horse himself. You see, the film opens with McCullough's narration and b & w photographs from the Depression-era. It worked. But as soon as the film started to sink into the character introductions, it completely failed.
First, we have Jeff Bridges as a lowly worker who strikes big when he becomes a car salesman -- Henry Ford's automobiles were just starting to become the preferred route of travel, and so obviously there was big business for them.
Meanwhile, a young kid nicknamed Red is dropped off by his parents to live with some rich folk who will let him do what he does best: ride horses. Six years later, he has transformed into Tobey Maguire (a.k.a. Peter Parker), fit with red hair and everything, and he's getting beaten to a bloody pulp in boxing matches and walking around horses for low pay.
The best character, and just about the only likable one, is Tom Smith (Chris Cooper), a horse whisperer who is confident that he can fix horses that may otherwise be put down. And so naturally, when he first sees Seabiscuit 1/3 of the way through the film, he fixes up the lazy horse into a warrior.
It's been done before in every single underdog film out there. This movie would have been shrugged off, if not for the fact that it is "inspired by a true story." That doesn't mean it should have been made into a film. In fact, if they were going to make it into a film, they should have at least managed to provide a sense of realism. There's nothing real here. It's based on a real story with real race outcomes, but everything -- including the cheesy introductions -- is incredibly mediocre Hallmark Hall of Fame-type stuff that you would expect to be in a daytime soap opera. In fact, if this were a daytime soap opera film, I'd praise it for all it's worth. But it's not. This is a whopping two and a half hour motion picture with absolutely nothing memorable whatsoever.
The problem is, though it may be a true story, all film has to take a few creative liberties along the way. "Gods and Generals" was good evidence that sometimes fact can be taken too far -- and despite the excitement of the Civil War, the said film didn't manage to transport the viewer there. I have no idea how correct "Seabiscuit" is, and for that reason alone I will not complain that it was too loosely based on facts or too strictly based on them. All I can say is that it's flawed.
I don't like when films change facts. But "Seabiscuit" could have used a few more creative liberties with its characters. Take Red, played by Maguire. He's incredibly unlikable -- I found myself wishing he'd fly into the guardrail along the side of the horse paddock he trains in. The film does everything it can to make him unlikable. And when it turns him into a brave hero, he gets up from the battle and insults those trying to help him.

I realize that my review is making me sound pretty ignorant, but I'm fuming. I'm getting sick of this stupid Hollywood Oscar crap. Once and a while a rare motion picture gem comes along. 2002 was a great year for movies -- "Road to Perdition," "Signs," "Adaptation," "About Schmidt." 2003, so far, isn't so good. And so after reading all the strong reviews on "Seabiscuit," I had really expected it to be one of those gems. I was looking forward to it quite a bit.
Was it a gem? It wasn't. Not one little bit. Now, I know a lot of people liked it, I know a lot of people thought it was a welcome return to cheery feel-good movies (like they ever left?), I know a lot of people consider it one of the best films of the year, and you might, too. But "Seabiscuit" moved with such slow pacing, and when important plot points came the film completely skipped over them. (It takes its time introducing the characters, then suddenly throws them all together with the horse -- little explanation of how they all arrived upon the decision to train it.)
I'm adding "Seabiscuit" to my Worst of 2003 list because I despised everything about it. I know that sounds harsh, but the first thing I said when this movie ended was, "What a horrible movie." How could someone hate a movie like this with so much power? I don't know. I usually love these epic feel-good Oscar-targeted movies. I didn't love this one, though. And I'm not sure which is worse: My disappointment in the movie, or my disappointment in the fact that I found it so awful.
Peter Travers, from Rolling Stone, wrote: "'Seabiscuit' is unabashedly hokey... Hipsters will be allergic; this is one for your inner sap." I didn't like "Seabiscuit" because it was too sappy and too cheesy -- and I don't find myself to be a hipster. So I'll close with Travers' same statement. If you like hokey, sappy movies with corny feel-good moments inspired by true events but totally screwed up to make false uplifting moments...this one's for you. And I apologize in advance if I have offended anyone with my pessimistic views on this film. The end.

1.5/5.