I came, I Saw...

Rating: 1/10 (24 November 2004)

...I laughed my arse off!
Come on, folks, this is not a scary film. Or not in the conventional sense anyway, although I concede that it is scary it ever got made. It fails in the central premise of horror films, in that you couldn't give a frig about either of the protagonists. The only dilemma the audience faces is which of them they'd like to see die first, and how. Sadly (and I don't feel it's a spoiler to reveal this), my prayers to see the irritating b*****d doctor - played by (or should that be carved from) Cary Elwes - being flayed alive with a pair of rusty toenail clippers by a crazed Nicky Campbell went cruelly unanswered.
A word of advice: don't be fooled by comparisons with Seven. The Guardian's review of Saw gave it 4 stars (bewilderingly out of 5, not 100) and concluded: "Perhaps you enjoyed Se7en. This often goes up to Ei8ht." Maybe they were watching a different film, because the one I saw struggled to get up to 0ne (except on the silliness scale, where it went all the way to e11even).