Typical, manipulative, sentimental Spielberg.

Rating: 7/10 (6 February 2007)

The best thing I can say about this movie is that it is passable entertainment which, if you know anything about The 'Berg's intention for the film, was not the point. This movie was released to overwhelmingly consistent reviews which frequently referred to it as "one of the best war movies ever made". Imagine my disgust when I saw it...
The opening battle is undeniably brilliant in terms of putting you in the middle of the action/horror, but it relies solely on Spielberg's ability to push the right buttons and is almost totally ineffective on second viewing.
Personally, I knew this film was going to be a disaster pretty early on. To be precise, I knew it when, in the midst of this mind-blowing battle sequence, Spielberg thought it'd be fun to throw in a joke about Sizemore being Hanks' mother.
WHY?!? He had everyone on the edge of their seat (literally, I remember looking around the theatre and every jaw was dropped) and he decides to lighten the tone by dropping in a fricking JOKE?!?
From here the film goes from bad to worse to utter garbage, as we are dragged through a war-is-hell-by-numbers affair. Never one to miss an opportunity to manipulate, Spielberg makes us endure some pretty feeble philosophising, Ted Danson trying to be serious (yes, Ted Danson), a token "death of the youngest soldier" tragedy and some of the most sentimentally contrived dialogue I have ever suffered, which never really stood a chance coming from the worst group of two-dimensional characters ever assembled for a movie.
Then there's the premise; a group of men is sent across the country to find one guy because good ol' compassionate Uncle Sam thinks the titular soldier's poor Ma has suffered enough in losing her other three sons. Is this a joke?!?
"But it's a true story" I hear you cry. Wrongo! It may have been inspired by a true story, but that doesn't mean that anything beyond the name James Ryan actually existed. The words "inspired by a true story" don't mean a thing these days and, let us not forget, this is Spielberg.
Let us not forget indeed, as Stevie does inject some excitement and tension into the action set pieces, even if they are overlong, predictable, and dangerously close to many a scene from many a war movie that came before it. The final sequence falls on its arse before it even begins due to the hilarious, A-Team style montage that precedes it, in which we see our apple-pie heroes create a stronghold from various items they find lying around a conveniently deserted village, before the six or so of them defeat an entire platoon of those nasty Germans.
Perhaps the worst crime this film committed was being released against Terrence Mallick's 'The Thin Red Line', and subsequently taking the two Oscars which by right belonged to the latter (Best Director and Best Cinematography).
'Ryan's Privates' pales in comparison not just to Mallick's film (as well as to Spielberg's other "classic" manipulative-therapy session, 'ET') but to almost every war movie I have seen ('Cross of Iron', 'Apocalypse Now', 'Platoon', 'All Quite on the Wetsern Front'), even those which do not profess to be the greatest war epic of all time or even take themselves seriously ('Mash', 'Kelly's Heroes', 'Where Eagles Dare', 'The Eagle Has Landed'). One great battle scene does not a great war movie make, but try telling the Academy that.
Bottom line? Don't expect more than a sub-par Spielberg offering and you won't be disappointed. Expect a profoundly moving war classic, and you'll be choking on your rage like I was when I left the cinema nine years ago.