A Bingeable Movie From The Pre-Binge Days

Rating: 6/10 (7 November 2019)

The only way this review has spoilers is if you live under a rock. But the button is there so I clicked it. You're welcome.
Romeo & Juliet is the play read in every Junior High/High School in America. So much of the language within the play itself has bonded to English colloquialisms and idioms that English would have a gaping void where "star-crossed lovers" would be. It is not, however, Shakespeare's best story (see Hamlet, Henry V, The Merchant of Venice, Twelfth Night, need I go on?), but it has and violence and enough angst to make the most emo of teens put on a polo and khakis and ask the protagonists to grow up and get a life.
Baz Luhrmann has absolutely no problem putting his name in lights first and the movie second. This is 120 minutes of Baz Luhrmann doing that thing that Baz Luhrmann does best: pander. This movie was not meant for adults to roll eyes at. This was meant for the teens of '96 to swoon over their beloved Leo and secretly hate Claire Danes. This movie launched a thousand feathered wing attachments for the last two decades dragged out every Halloween.
If it did have one positive byproduct, it is that teenagers picked up a book to relive the glorious balcony and tragic death scenes.
To the grit of the movie, modernization brings trouble. A sassy Mercutio - Harold Perrineau did his best with this - is delightful, but not when the pacing and the rhythm of the poetry is sacrificed for it. DiCaprio was in his acting infancy during this film and was sullen as cardboard. Paul Rudd was delightfully dopey but Paris' best lines, his raison d'être, were completely cut. Claire Daines has ugly weeps. Seriously ugly weeps. The kind of ugly weeps from when you skinned your knee when you were three and had no idea how to process that information.
There is a spectacular supporting cast. Paul Sorvino as Capulet, Brian Dennehy as Montague, the formidable Diane Venora as Lady Capulet, the hugely underrated M. Emmet Walsh as the apothecary. And gosh darned Peter Postlethwaite, the priest who knows the true identity of Kaiser Soze. Miriam Margolyes as The Nurse, a mainstay of British comedy and acting with a portfolio that should have shamed the other actors sharing a screen with her, except Peter Postelthwaite. John Leguizamo who obviously owed somebody a favor and showed up to this movie. A tremendous amount of talent passing on and off the screen. And it's entirely wasted because Baz Luhrmann had to make a "cool" movie.
If 15 year old me were writing this, it would be in big loopy letters with hearts over the "i"'s pining for my beloved Romeo. 36 year old me says spare me the special effects, ham fisted metaphors(ooh, you know this is where the movie becomes really dark because the sky becomes really dark!), insufferable editing, and give me Paul Rudd. He seems like the adult in the room who's got his life together. I don't think he owned a gun. He probably had a great credit score, job security, and a 401k. Aside from the whole marrying a 14 year old, because that's gross, he seemed like an ok guy. Someone put Paris on a registry please.
However, this movie will sit on my guilty pleasure shelf to remind of the days when all that mattered were hair, makeup, clothes, and zits. Because, despite its flaws, it actually is fun to watch. If you forget that the great bards prose and poetry are being munched and chewed and accept it for the 90's period piece that it is. You can laugh along at the funny moments, recollect at the " my parents just don't understand" moments, and sigh at the romantic moments. We were all teenagers once. While that doesn't make this movie good, it redeems it from being unwatchable.
In summary, Romeo + Juliet was basically a great soundtrack your boyfriend had at his house when you went over to do what teenagers did before Netflix and chill. It screams "love me, love me". And the rest, to paraphrase another play, is angsty silence.