Why can I not go into negative numbers?!

Rating: 1/10 (11 August 2007)

Oh my dear lord. The crap has hit the fan now. This is rock bottom. This is the stuff nightmares are made of. This is what the sinners will be subjected to when they're dragged kicking and screaming down to Hell after the world freezes over. Quite simply, Romeo + Juliet is one of the worst movies ever vomited upon this Earth, and it completely defecates on any and all aspects of William Shakespeare's classic play. Let us begin the dissection, then:
I must stress how mind-numbingly stupid it is to make a modern, teenage romance/drama (especially an adaption of such a classic piece of literature), and keep in all of the 16th century dialogue. It's bad enough that they made it so nauseatingly queer in the first place, but that's just before you hear any of the characters talk. I shouldn't even have to waste time on why keeping the 16th century dialogue was a monumentally suck-tastic idea, but I'll just say that it makes everything incredibly awkward and messy. This is also partially due to the fact that they replaced the swords and daggers with loaded pistols, which look absolutely ridiculous in context with the storyline and plot. Also, what the hell is up with the characters walking around in Hawaiian button up shirts and khakis? Is this a joke?
The acting is...how to say this...awful. The actors on display might be talented, but you'd never know it from this movie. Leonardo DiCaprio's performance is extremely over the top and fake, and he manages to craft a marvelously whiny, intolerable little brat out of what was once a passionate young man stricken with tragedy, and he very much succeeds in making me want to murder him with a toothbrush in the most violent way possible. The other characters here are a bit closer to their original counterparts, but the acting is sub par and reeks of what you'd expect from a C-level porn flick instead of a romance drama.
In conclusion, this is a travesty of modern art, and Shakespeare must be rolling in his grave now. It's a testament to this film's stunning banality when I say the only movies that I've ever seen that were worse, were subhuman B-horror movies. This is truly the worst film I have ever seen in my entire life, and I've seen a lot of crappy movies. Never see this movie, and if you are ever presented with the option of seeing it, seize it with both hands and break it into many tiny pieces, laughing maniacally as you annihilate it from this world. Avoid, avoid like the plague.