A Galactic Mess

Rating: 4/10 (15 December 2016)

Star Wars, Star Wars what have you become? You've always been there for me through the good (Revenge of the Sith), the bad (The Phantom Menace) the unintentional laughter (Attack of the Clones) and the highs (The Empire Strikes Back). But along the way something went wrong you're not the same franchise you used to be. Whilst never entirely reliable you were something I could rest easy with particularly when a certain George Lucas was not at the creative helm. But this is different, Lucas is out of the picture forever and now you present me with this garbage from the trash compactor? Why? Why now? Star Wars should be at new heights and The Force Awakens showed us what love, care and fan service (albeit too much) could do for a franchise that was thought to have had its day. Enter Gareth Edwards, that's no Director, that's a hack!
Rogue One is exactly how you would reasonably expect any Star Wars film to begin (minus the title crawl and John William's music) in Space! Jyn Erso is a rebel on a mission to grasp hold of the Death Star plans and bring the Empire crumbling down. Helpless and frail. It ends how we expect it to end, begins how we would assume it to begin. As for the middle, the plot beats can be neatly charted on a graph for sheer convenience, how kind of Edwards. It's certain that this is not your father's Star Wars, because well that would require a reasonable amount of thinking and thought processes to have taken place.
I will take this moment to bring up where this film excels. Don't worry this won't take me long. The music although it pales in comparison to John William's weakest scores is still admirable, although I do tend to think great things of Michael Giacchino and sadly this does not bolster his reputation so much as hinder it. The cinematography is gorgeous, not to the extent that the originals or Episode VII were, but better than the prequels all the same. Is that high praise? I doubt it. Mads Mikkelsen although given severely little to do is intriguing enough that we want to care about him, yet due to the scripts numerous shortcomings we never in fact do. Or feel any emotion for the main characters themselves, an irksome trend with Edwards's films to be sure. Remember 2014's Godzilla? Same treatment is given to the best characters here, they are put on a backseat whilst the endless CGI drivel is chucked at the screen hoping and praying that something does indeed stick with the audience to the very end. Here's a spoiler it doesn't.
That's the main gripe I have with Rogue One; not its story or its cringe inducing acting (minus the voice of James Earl Jones, thank the gods) but its characters. The group that Ersa becomes a part of is so ill defined that I thought George Lucas must have scrambled in, hijacked the script and completed rewrites. They don't even fit into specific character archetypes because quite simply they have ceased to be characters the moment they step on screen, utter some of the worst one liners in recent memory and stumble out of the frame, promptly leave the scene and try not to look too embarrassed or ashamed with themselves. At this point it's practically a panto. All glitz and glamour, forced heart and humour with no blood coursing through its veins, just dried up oil and a script that I would be surprised if they spent more than a good day on. Yeah, it's that much of a shambles. Because this is what Star Wars is under the watchful eye of the corporate giant that is Disney; manufactured by robots with fake emotion sprinkled throughout, the resemblance of some plot and a plethora of characters all of whom are the comic relief and serve one purpose. To sell more toys! This is what happens when you put the by-products of a film before the actual production itself. A mess, a disaster and something that even Yoda couldn't fix with his wide assortment of powers.
I'm not expecting for anyone to heed my advice and leave Rogue One to play out its life cycle in the cinema whilst you sit back at home and watch the originals in pristine high definition picture and quality. That would be the wisest thing to do, but believe me we both know that's never going to happen. So here's what to do, watch it as soon as possible so you can be spared further pain and then watch all the others minus I, II, III. (Delete where applicable). I'm saving you a world of pain. Who wants to try a Jedi Mind trick on Disney? Maybe we can stop them from causing this disaster that they so clearly want to make. Episode VIII is a mere zap away from becoming a reality and maybe this is the point of the sequel trilogy; to be our shining beacon of hope that will redeem the standalone projects when they inevitably fail and if we are lucky flop too. As for me I'm not holding my breath. You shouldn't either.
D+