I wouldn't DOWNLOAD a movie this bad!

Rating: Null/10 (16 September 2004)

I remember walking out of the original 'Resident Evil' pleasantly buzzing but at the same time wishing, just a little bit, that a few more aspects of the video game it was based on were present in the film. For what it was Paul W.S. Anderson, the very same person who all but raped both the Alien and Predator movie franchises not too long ago, managed to craft a nifty little zombie horror film that catered to fans of the game series and was still perfectly accessible to the average Joe. The editing was tight, the scares were plentiful, and the action was well staged. It's main failing, as in any overly-stylish mish-mash of blood and guts, was its dialogue, which was stilted, shiftless, and generally silly. But that was okay-it was fun anyway!
In 'Resident Evil: Apocalypse', first time director Alexander Witt gets the big chair while Mr. Anderson takes a step back, putting himself instead in a producer's role as well as writing the movie's script. Yep, that's right! The primary weakness of the first film is the foundation upon which a completely green director is to turn a film into a franchise. Ultimately, then, I can't really blame Mr. Witt for the miserably stupid movie that he's made; rather I prefer to praise him for the one star he did earn, instead of killing him for the remaining 3 he missed out on. The fact is I would not even download this movie. It was neither worth my money, nor especially my time.
The set-up is simple. You've seen it before in a million other, better films. A town is filled with zombies and a few characters need to escape. Fewer will actually succeed. In this case, we have Milla Jovovich's character Alice, sole survivor from the first film, walking around barefoot in nothing but a hospital gown, eventually meeting up with another vaguely interesting group of characters. Among these is Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory), the primary heroine from the games and who is given absolutely no set up or back-story or even much for clothing, Carlos Olivera (Oded Fehr), a mercenary for the dastardly Umbrella corporation on a special mission to do something that never gets explained, and a pimp named LJ played by Mike Epps who is there for the racial slang and stereotypes that only a sassy, loud-mouthed pimp can provide. Meanwhile an extremely well armed, leather clad super-zombie called the Nemesis hunts our heroes with a chain gun and a rocket-launcher.
All of these factors worked in the video game (Resident Evil 3's subtitle is 'Nemesis'), but that's the problem: video games are perfectly justified in creating ludicrous ways to threaten the player-as long as it's fun, it will rarely if ever be questioned. Movies have the extra burden of plausibility.
The first movie was half-way believable, so therefore this movie should be, right? So why do we get a movie where armies of undead, from whom a single bite will un-kill you, are completely ineffective against kung-fu? I like kung-fu in my movies just as much as the next guy and I freely admit that kung-fu and zombies are a combination I had yet to be exposed to, but this is just ridiculous! And if the dead are coming back to life by the legion then why, oh WHY, are they taking a shortcut through a graveyard?! While we're at it, why doesn't anyone think to shoot the Nemesis in his unarmored head? Oh and how did that motorcycle ramp end up behind that stained glass window?
Let's take a look at the teeny-tiny bright side. There are a few funny lines, including a particularly funny reference to the Grand Theft Auto, or GTA, series of games. The special effects are solid and that's always nice.
There are some nice superhero moments here and there and some of the stunts are cool to watch. The camp value is running overtime as well, so this will probably be a good film to invite your friends over for a few beers with. Otherwise it's just loud, violent, and stupid.
All said, this movie is as brash and silly as any film could possibly dare to be. The fact that it comes from a decent pedigree in both video games and in its prequel is only a further slap in the face to both art forms. Paul W.S. Anderson is by no means a talented director. He is mediocre and occasionally lucky at best, but for once I think I wish his hand was a bit more prevalent to this movie. I hated this film. Maybe after a lot of alcohol I could be convinced otherwise but until then I want both my time and my money back.
1 star (out of 4).