Wretched Excess Piled on Top of Wretched Excess

Rating: 4/10 (12 June 2005)

John Huston once said that a good story should have "excitement,color, spectacle and humor, adventure, high drama, tragedy, good conversation, truth and irony". Unfortunately the discerning viewer won't find much of any of those qualities in "Resident Evil: Apocalypse". What they will find is a mildly entertaining spectacle of excess. There is enough tension to keep you watching, but when it finally ends and your mind recovers from its numbness, you will wish that you had not bothered.
The ending is both familiar and predictable, at least to anyone over age six. Apparently predictability is comforting to the movie genre's core fan base, in much the same way as it is for a young child watching "Beauty and the Beast" over and over again. They know the ending so the initial viewing does not scare them, and the repeated viewings give them a feeling of power and control as if they are determining the outcome each time they watch it.
The authors of the DVD expect multiple viewings as they provide three separate commentaries on the disc. A director producer/commentary, a cast commentary, and a writer/producer commentary. More terrifying than anything in the movie is the thought of listening to ALL these commentaries. Sometimes the degree of conceit and self-delusion exhibited by those close to a movie is astonishing. Do they actually believe that this unoriginal exercise in excess is worthy of even one commentary. If you can't make better stuff than this (editor and production designer excluded) you should go back to school and get your CPA.
Finally John Huston would say that it doesn't hurt to have lovable hero's in your story. Lovable heroines wouldn't hurt either or at least ones that look sexy. Milla Jovovich and Sienna Guillory are attractive women but if they chose their own costumes (?) for this movie they are also airheads. Like many women they dress in what they think makes them look sexy. The result is a 6th Street hooker look that makes you laugh every time they appear in the frame. Check out Milla's "Zoolander" look if you want to see what could have been; she actually looks sexier wearing old army fatigues in "Dummy" than she does in her "Resident Evil-Apocalypse" outfits.
Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child.