The good, the bad, the 'Dear God in Heaven, why do my eyes burn?!?!'

Rating: Null/10 (10 September 2004)

Oh yes, my brothers. Prepare yourself for a destructive ride like nothing you've ever experienced before. And I'm not talking about the dizzying, set-destructive fight scenes or the glorious fireballs erupting across Raccoon City. I'm talking about the 3rd Degree burns, the horrible temporary blindness, and reoccurring heartburn this movie has gifted me with.
Usually it's just the hard liqueur coursing through my veins that makes me want to hurt cute things, but tonight it's both the booze and the fact that I'm $7.50 less drunk, and an hour and a half older because of 'Resident Evil: Apocalypse' You see, when I go into a movie, I expect things. Things like, oh I don't know... plot, coherent scene structure, oh and a side of enjoyment.
OK, enough of my random whining. Down to the meat of this rancid corpse of a movie. It was nothing like the original. That can be expected, but when the original formula went so well (styling, action flow, pacing, and the great music), you shouldn't change things. The new action sequences were way too fast, to jumpy and all-in-all just incomprehensible.
The zombies were as unpredictable as a crack junkie with nothing but a rubber chicken to his name and the will to use it. They freakin' appeared and disappeared as if Sigfried, Roy, Stephen Hawking and the entire cast of Diff'rent Strokes were on the sidelines, messin' with all of Raccoon City. Maybe I'm just too much of a Romero-Zombie fan, but I think that an entire city block of zombies shouldn't pop in to eat one person and then wander off 'aimlessly' in less than 4 seconds. Oh, and what about the graveyard full of zombies that clawed their way out of the ground in unison? This isn't 'Return of the Living Dead,' man. There was no set up or explanation for that, dude. I thought that in order to become a freakin' zombie, you had to be infected with the T-virus... What, did they claw their way from inside the Hive or something? "Hey, man, let's get out of this hive thing and go eat some brains. There's the door right there." "No dude... I've got a better idea. Hope you brought your shovel." When they popped up, I half expected Jacko to pop in and lead them in a synchronized dance to the rap stylings of the late, great Vincent Price. OK, I'm running out of room here. One last thing: The fight scene between Nemesis and Milla... Whoa. I didn't know life could hurt this bad. Evil Boss Man: "We created you two in a lab, man. Isn't that cool? Well, instead of keeping the both of you as an unbeatable pair of killing machines... We're gonna' make you fight each other..." Milla: (looks to Nemesis and throws a wild stance) "Now we must kung-fu fight!" The icing on the freakin' cake was the "Finish Him" line from the boss man. I was reaching for my portable arc-welder just to keep my mouth shut long enough so I wouldn't scream out "Give 'im the pit, Kitana!! What are you waiting for? FORWARD DOWN FORWARD X, CHICK!!" My last words on this one: Run. Run as fast as your birdlike legs can carry you.