Like milking a zombie cow.

Rating: Null/10 (12 January 2011)

We all know that the Resident Evil films have been going progressively downhill since the 2nd one, but this one just decided to cut out the middle-man and nosedive straight to the bottom of the abyss. Films of games are rarely groundbreaking, but that's not important to the fans. I for one share this sentiment, but this crossed a line. Allow me to list some of my qualms with this, for lack of a better word, film.
Slow motion: It's cool once or twice to emphasise drama or coolness, but I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if they'd have slowed down Alice using the toilet, there's honestly that much of it. I can only assume that the film was running too short, so they decided to stretch it out by slowing it down to 1000 frames per second every time somebody blinks. On the other hand it does serve well for the RE:A drinking game. Have a drink every time something happens in slow motion. I dare you to make it to the credits.
Ammo: I've never fired a real gun before, but I know darn well you have to reload air rifles quite often. Machine pistols, I hear, adhere to this rule of reloading. I know its film logic and all that, but even Schwarzenegger reloaded a gun once or twice. This film took even the most brittle of film logic and wiped itself on it.
Chris Redfield: OK so almost everybody's dead (But Tokyo was surprisingly populated seeing as everybody is dead) and planet Earth is a big place, spanning oh about 24902 miles. Credulity is tested to its limit when it just so happens that Claire meets up with Alice and then they magically bump into Chris on a chance, freak occurrence. That's like me saying "I really, really want a Twinkie (I'm all the way over in England) right now, opening my door and finding one there waiting for me." In short, it's awfully convenient.
Coins: Maybe I missed something in the 'plot' (used very loosely) of this film and I'd maybe even chuckle if it happened because Alice or Claire jumped on an enemy's head, Mario-style to parody that it's a film of a game, but when some enemies were killed, they dropped coins. The hammer guy's wallet opened up. I could accept that a stray pellet from the sawn-off blast ripped through his money pouch (He did look like a LOTR reject, maybe worthy of the D&D films), but when a dog also did the same thing, I was just lost. It's like when Sonic the Hedgehog gets hit and his rings scatter What?
Summary: This film had more cardboard in it that Amazon's warehouse. A lack of a plot, terrible hammy acting (slow motion pouting from Claire. Not as sexy as she hoped), the slow motion was just silly, daft characters (Wesker was like a kid in his garden pretending he was Wesker), Chris Redfield's magic turning-up-at-the-convenient-time act and to top it off, what action there was in the film was just too predictable and really quite uninteresting.
Watch Zombie Nosh instead. It may have had no budget, but they did a lot better than this.