What once was buried, should have stayed dead

Rating: 1/10 (7 October 2010)

While I usually refrain from writing reviews, RE: Afterlife was such an excruciating experience to endure, I had to somehow vent my righteous anger. Thus: the review.
While I quite enjoyed the very first Resident Evil movie (except for the CGI showdown), starting with Number two (Apocalypse) the movies went from thrilling, spooky zombie movies to something like a low-budget Zombie-Movie-in-the-Matrix. I say low-budget, because the special effects and action sequences screamed of cheap and shoddy work, the stories were laughable at best, and yet, here comes another entry in a series that should have stayed dead.
To see all of Afterlife's Non-Glory in 3-D, probably made it even worse for me. As much as I like 3-D movies, RE: Afterlife cannot be salvaged by anything at all, short of standing up after the first three minutes and walking out the door. Or maybe urinating on the screen, then walking out the door. Or maybe adding another dimension, time, which would allow me to go back to the beginning of the film and shoot myself repeatedly in the head.
Starting with the first (of many) utterly ridiculous action sequences, dominated by so-bad-it's-funny-in-a-sad-way wire-fighting and wire-wall-jumping, the movie actually manages to go downhill from there, which is somewhat commendable, since I thought it not quite possible to even get any worse.
What follows is an assembly of disjointed, poorly conceived action sequences, way too many slow-motion captures, incoherent story telling, continuity errors that made my teeth hurt, and then you realize that the movie has only been running for thirty minutes, and you ask yourself what you could have done in a previous life to deserve this.
The "story", if you want to call it that, is driven by ludicrous plot elements that only exist for the sake of driving a non-existent story ahead, while half of what happens seems to only happen in order to create the need for even more embarrassing zombie-killing action. Or poor attempts at creating some of that Wow-Feeling we all shared when we first entered "The Matrix".
As some critic once wrote about the new Star Wars Episodes (I-III), the Resident Evil movies offer great actors the chance for the worst performances of their lives. I am still astounded by the fact that Milla Jovovich has not filed a law suit against the producers for prolonged career murder or violent destruction of reputation.
I honestly cannot find more than two good things about this film, and I actually am an avid fan of the video game series, so seeing some familiar faces, as well as monsters, should have at least appeased my inner nerd-ness, but alas, it wasn't so.
As my final verdict, I will now present the two and only good things in this movie: 1. Ali Larter in wet clothes. 2. Kacey Barnfield in tight clothes.
The rest deserves to be laughed at, tarred, feathered, quartered, strangled, drowned, poisoned, stabbed, clubbed, and then buried in a toxic landfill next to the remains of Uwe Boll.