Jeeesus...this is one BAD movie

Rating: Null/10 (19 January 2003)

I was really looking forward to Resident Evil as I am both a massive fan of zombie movies and of the Resident Evil games. I was thinking "zombies, bad genetic shennanigans, kick ass girl heroine, if the games were great how can the movie go wrong??" But it was so WRONG. Where to start?

Firstly it took me and the guy I was watching it with about thirty minutes to figure out what the hell was going. Then we realised there wasn't actually a plot to speak of. The script, well what I could hear of it above the LOUD and not very good music (sounded like the directors' three year old kid let loose in a factory of kitchenware) was unbelievable bad to the point where it wasn't even funny. Alot of the talentless cast looked the same so one minute I was thinking someone had died only to see them again (dammit) in the next scene.
Then there's the acting. The acting in the game's FMV sequences was like Shakespeare compared to this. Mila Jovavich had perfected a permanently blank expression while Michelle Rodrigez looked like she was sucking a lemon throughout the whole film. The CGI was so bad you could almost see the strings and this is the only zombie film I have ever seen where the zombies were just NOT scary. At all.
Every time the Red Queen popped up with her terrible English drama school accent I just cringed...
God there is no way to convey the terriblness of Paul Andersons crimes. At first I was laughing at the badness, watching Mila/Alice turn from blank eyed bint to some superhuman action hero running up walls and killing zombies with her thighs but eventually my laughter gave way to slack jawed amazement at the horribleness of this film. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Rent a Romero film instead. To think Romero could have directed this film brings a tear to my eye....