If You Become Addicted To Drugs...

Rating: 2/10 (27 May 2007)

If you become addicted to drugs, here are some of the worst things that can happen to you:
1. You'll dye your hair a bright orange color.
2. You'll have sex with a black man.
3. The refrigerator will LUNGE at you.
4. You'll have terrifically nasty sex with Jennifer Connelly.
5. You'll get lost riding the subway to Madison Avenue, but eventually find your way.
6. You'll see the world though a slow-motion, wide-angle view.
7. You'll sweat. A lot.
8. You'll be surprised to discover the hospitality Southern jails afford a black man.
9. You'll start wearing heavy black or dark-blue eyeliner and shadow.
10. You'll learn how to cry and to sleep in a fetal position.
11. You'll learn how to churn butter to the beat of loud, insistent music.
12. You'll non-chalantly sign your name to the form allowing the doctor to administer electro-shock therapy.
13. You'll discover that you have the energy to roll a television for over a mile.
14. You'll discover, suddenly, that you have a car.
15. You'll live in a world where only you, three others, and either crowds of old ladies or crowds of junkies, exist.
16. You'll do your drugs quickly, in a carefully edited, close-up and syncopated manner.
17. You'll have your own personal soundtrack, Lux Eterna.
18. You'll have steak dinners with bald men.
19. You'll have only one channel of television to watch, which shows only constant reruns of a confused personal-improvement show.
20. You'll spend the money to buy this DVD.
I think I'll go score, now...