Truly a movie for morons

Rating: 2/10 (6 August 2013)

I know it's unforgivable and lazy and pathetically juvenile to pretend to criticize a motion picture merely by heaping scorn and abuse on the people who liked it -- that sort of ad hominem argument is quite correctly dismissed by all right-thinking people -- but dammit, I can't help it, it's a moral certainty, a non-negotiable fact, it's something that just keeps bubbling to the surface and will not be gainsaid, an indisputable truth that admits of no argument, a truth that I am now going to tell you in plain, simple language: "Red" is a movie only a moron could like. Period. If you found this witless excrescence funny or endearing or entertaining, it ipso facto is proof that you are a moron and have no taste, and all your opinions are worthless. You may have done well on your SATs; you may have graduated from a top college and done splendidly at grad school. You may be successful at an extremely demanding job. You may be good at crossword puzzles; you may have solved Rubik's Cube. "Red" made you chuckle? You got a kick out of Bruce Willis, and Malkovich, and Parker, and Freeman? You, my friend, are a moron, and I have no use for you.