21st Century Letdown

Rating: 2/10 (2 June 2012)

I was - like any half decent scifi/Alien series nerd - expecting this film for quite some time. I could be described as the person who camps in front of the cinema, just to get a ticket. I mean, I am too old for that exactly, BUT also fanatic enough to be 'that weirdo'. I kind of am. Really now.
I did not want to study the subject too much; not read many reviews, not rerun all those trailers... yeah, I did not, but I still did go back to the trailers/teasers, because this was going to be a Big Event for me.
Now, to any old school Alien/Aliens/Alien III/hate Alien whatever the 4th was called (apart from Winona, hi) - if I was ME, I would stop reading this now. OK, so you don't? I know you will go see the film, regardless. And 99% of you will be bitter and angry after wasting 10+ /$ on this piece of heartless, soulless garbage.
Because that's all it really is. There is no magic.
Yes, we get to see a mediocre space soap that has as much depth as The Vampire Diaries. Millions of dollars worth of COOL FX's. And... seriously, what? There is nothing to fall in love with, or even feel remotely connected with. There is absolutely ZERO charisma. I don't even remember the name of the captain. And he was GOOD.
In a funny and self-knee-shooting way Michael Fassbender's role as the android David... just falls down as the most lovable and interesting off the whole piece.
As I am a decent human being, I have already saved you from the so called "plot". I will continue doing so, and just add a spoiler here: THERE IS NO PLOT. Uninteresting humans (what's his name, Noomi Rapace's "husband", who the f*** hired him?) find traces to go to space - cut - to find what turns out to be an "invitation" to go there - cut - VERY impressive looking set design - cut - B movie slapstick with obvious cannon fodder characters - cut - alien life forms - evil looms - cut - danger - cut - FX/fight/gimmicks (no spoilers, I promised) - cut - THE END.
The cuts do not serve any purpose apart from taking the saga closer to its ending. In between the cuts Charlize Theron looks cold. And the wrinkled old Weyland man is about as sinister as a puppy.
I want my money back.
I would also like to know if this film was really Ridley Scott's baby to begin with.
I doubt that very much.