Shockingly Poor

Rating: 1/10 (15 June 2012)

*** SPOILERS AHEAD ***
Most of what I have to say about this film has already been covered by numerous reviewers here already. However I will still do this review if for no other reason than to do my bit to try to rectify the (currently) appallingly high rating of 7.7 on here. This film doesn't deserve such a high rating.
Like many others here I am a huge fan of the first Alien movie (and Jim Cameron's superb sequel), so when I heard that Ridley Scott himself was returning to the Alien universe to shoot a prequel (of sorts) I was suitably excited and drooling with anticipation. I was even pleased when I heard the new movie wasn't even going to include the Alien as we know it, as in my opinion this actually serves to expand the Alien universe far better than just rehashing the original movie(s) over and over again.
I could merrily talk about the many failings of the lofty and yet simplistic creationist basic plot, the nonsensical cod-scientific rubbish about DNA, the instant healing after the ridiculous caesarean section performed on Dr Shaw, but I won't. And the reason I won't is because at the end of the day, this is sci-fi and while most sane people would PREFER things to make at least a little sense, the sci-fi genre is one where you can get away with utter nonsense slightly more than most.
Instead of that, I'll concentrate on the human elements of the movie, and it is here that this film really looks like amateur hour to me. The simple fact is that none of the people are remotely believable in their attitudes, their actions, or their speech - and this is absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. Are we really supposed to believe that the greatest, and no-doubt most expensive, mission in human history will be undertaken by such a combined collection is imbeciles and weirdos? The first scene with them all together in the hanger (before they see the hologram of Guy Pierce pretending to be old), they all look like a bunch of petulant teenagers, slouching around in their hoodies trying to look all cool and tough. In the real world the geologist, Fifield, wouldn't be trusted with the TV remote let alone a multi-million pound trip to another planet. The rest of them were the usual stereotypes of cowards, "tough-guys", and dysfunctional weirdos that only ever inhabit movies like this.
But the big problem is that none of the "scientists" do or say remotely believable things. For example (and there are MANY examples to choose from) –
1. Taking their helmets off in an alien environment on no more than a quick computer scan (that failed to pick up either the presence of the worms, or the dead aliens on site).
2. Fifield constantly freaking out about absolutely nothing. In the real world the guy would be in an asylum, but no - here he's the obvious choice.
3. "Scientists" immediately touching alien creatures with no care at all.
4. Other "scientists" getting blind drunk literally minutes after making the greatest discoveries in the history man.
5. David opening up a "black oil" "bomb", snapping bits off it and pulling bits out (despite never having seen one before), like he's a child dismantling a Lego house.
6. The lack of Shaw even mentioning to anyone she just gave birth to an alien squid - and then managing to not kill it.
7. The complete lack of any hint of proper quarantine procedures. Ludicrous.
8. The attempt to re-animate the alien head - why they do this is never explained - which then causes it to blow up (again, why this happens is never explained).
And so it goes on and on and on
Now I can forgive films of the past that fell down as a result of special effects technology being inadequate to fully realise the director's vision as long as the script and characters are believable. This film is the complete opposite - superb visuals coupled with pathetic characters and appalling script-writing. I honestly can't believe that Mr Scott sat down at the end of making this movie, watched the finished cut, and said, "YES! That's exactly the film I wanted to make". If so, he needs to be pensioned off and banned from ever getting behind a film camera again. The line from the film, "Every king has his reign and then he dies", has never been more apt with Mr Scott's movie-making career.
Lastly, what was the point of having Guy Pierce doddering about rather unconvincingly in rather unconvincing old-man-makeup? Simply employing an older actor would've made far more sense. But then again, very little about this movie makes any sense. Yes we can all look really REALLY hard and try to draw religious parallels to this movie in exactly the same way that if we stare at the sky long enough we might be able to make out the face of Father Christmas in the clouds, but frankly I think that's overlooking the blindingly obvious fact that this film is just a bit rubbish really. (I remember people spending hours discussing The Matrix Revolutions, looking for hidden meaning and hidden depth, before everyone finally realised that it was actually just a load of junk. So it will be with Prometheus).
Never mind, at least there are two good Alien films out there. For me the Alien mythology starts with the Nostromo in Alien, and ends with Ripley, Hicks and Newt sailing off in the Sulaco at the end of Aliens.
Save your money folks, and if you really feel the need to contribute to Mr Scott's pension fund, buy Alien on Blu Ray instead.