LOST in space

Rating: 7/10 (1 June 2012)

Prologue
Albino Watchman downs a caviar/tequila slammer next to a waterfall then disintegrates into the stream. Project Mankind or a renegade's gift to the third rock?
Project Prometheus
A sci-fi epic, 33yrs in the making, turns out to be a two hour, 500 yard shuttle run between two spaceships. The mythological core mirrors Prometheus (Space Jockey), his gift of fire to humans (evolution via Black DNA Caviar) and his subsequent punishment by the Gods (genetic vengeance via the Evil Caviar). Hence we have a Clash of the Titans: White Super Engineers vs. Evil Black Goo, with Mankind, the accidental product, caught in the middle. I could try to explain the story to you, but here's a better idea: You explain it to me
Fire (DNA Caviar)
Location: Planet LV-226; Space Jockey stomping ground. In a cemetery of thermos flasks, in a worm infested H.R. Giger museum. This caviar is genetic plutonium, primordial evil, the evolutionary fire of the gods. Brush against a single thermos and the whole exhibition transforms to a living, writhing pool. This black temple introduces the film's heart of darkness: the consequence of playing God. Humans invent androids because they can. Engineers invent humans because they can, but the unexplained question is, why then try destroy us? Fassbender's android gifts us the closest answer: "To create you must first destroy". So is our black caviar the evolutionary equivalent of a forest fire, and its purpose the purification of the gene pool? If not purification, then perhaps weaponisation, with humans as guinea pigs? But 2,000 years seems an awfully long manufacturing period. And let's be honest, why not just build a Death Star? The most sensible explanation seems that, after their experiment turns on them, the Engineers realise that the black goo is inherently evil (d'uh!) and Mankind, an evolutionary vessel of said evil, becomes an experimental error they seek to rectify through genocide. Bu why lead us to LV-226 in order to destroy us? Likely the original invitation was a peaceful one, prior to the revenge of the black goo. Alternative explanations include a lone stranded Prometheus Engineer with a life spanning millenia (where is he now?), or, following the evolutionary weapon theory, the 2000 years delay could, in essence, be cooking time for the optimum genetic recipe, awaiting our technological advance to interstellar travel.
Here now is a quick recap of the Xenomorph life cycle: Queen – Eggs – Facehugger – Chestburster – Xeno
Not content with the biological plausibility of this, the screenwriters of Prometheus have added the following variations:
DNA Caviar + worm = Vagina Cobra DNA Caviar + champagne + archaeologist = Zombie Zombie + sexy time = Woman + baby squid Little baby squid + a few hours = Giant Kraken Kraken + Space Jockey = Skinny Mocha Xeno
Prometheus
Elephant masks? Really? Over 30 years I've developed a fond image of Space Jockeys as herbivore stargazers. Turns out it's just a suit. For a race of interstellar engineers, the elephant look seems a little dated. If they're only helmets, why are they wearing them indoors, on a spaceship, on a planet with an atmosphere breathable for them? Maybe they're for navigational purposes, but then why would the holocaust pile-up victims in the corridor be wearing them?
Continuity whores take note: How can the original space jockey with a fully intact mask, have a chestburster hole in his sternum? Which hole was the point of entry, if not through the mouth? Butthuggers, anybody?
Next question: What does LV stand for? 226 is not 426 but both have (apparently multiple) crashed croissant ships carrying mutilated Engineers, indicating that the outbreak was spontaneous and galaxy wide. This in turn suggesting that the DNA Caviar was no hand-me- down recipe amongst the Engineers, and the Engineers are not nearly as clever as you think.
Casting
Remember the colonial marines of the starship Sulaco. Vasquez, Hudson, Drake, Frost... how could you forget, right? Now compare Prometheus: Name the captain? (clue: it's not "Idris Elba"). How about Noomi's boyfriend? The two stranded scientists or the oriental co-pilot? I'll tell you what their names are: Fodder, Filler, Token, Guy Person and Chang. OK, I made the last one up. Thanks Lindelof. Go ahead and throw in the fat guy with curly hair. You know you want to.
Finally a section I like to call
WTFLOLMFAOMG
1. Android attempts fluent Space Jockese, by studying ancient human texts? Did you just call his mother a slag? Don't lose your head over it.
2. Guy Pearce acting as an old man? Why not useAN OLD MAN!
3. Heavy face and neck padding on Guy Pearce? Why not useA FAT OLD MAN!
4. David deciphers every control code at first touch. Hey Engineers, stop using "password" as your password.
5. Engineer 1. "Gentlemen I'm tired of pushing buttons. Any new ideas on how activate this navigation deck?" Engineer 2. "Well, I used to play the flute." Engineer 1. "Good work soldier. Now lets go eat some more of that delicious caviar."
6. Oh my god, Weyland is her father!!! So maybe that means they're going to Oh wait, they're all dead. So it doesn't matter.
7. Hey Dr. Grey, you've just discovered that the human race is threatened and you have access to an alien craft. Do you a) Use it to race back to earth, and use the alien technology to build the human defence. b) Confront the entire alien species on your own, with a severed robot head in a duffel bag
In closing I must borrow from another review who states simply that the sheer number of questions is a testament to the failure of the scriptwriters. Or maybe just one of them.