There must be a space pony in here somewhere!

Rating: 3/10 (21 June 2012)

As many others have pointed out, "Prometheus" is visually spectacular yet fails miserably on a story-telling and acting level. The story lurches clumsily from one disconnected "surprise" to another, to no point at all (epitomized by the "surprise" of Vickers' paternity - why the hell do we care???) The characters act in completely unrealistic and stupid ways, and represent the shallow one-dimensional stereotypes we've come to expect from 'B-grade' science fiction movies (the brash risk-taking scientist, the tattooed in-your-face Limey with attitude, the world-weary ship's company-man pilot, just doin' his job...). There is virtually no development of these idiotic stereotypes. Amazingly, there is no real suspense, beyond the premature discharge of an accordion (I wish I were making this up, but I am not). There are plenty of lame attempts at suspense that don't work (exploding alien head, fake rubbery-looking cobra beast, ridiculous robo-surgery scene). All of these detract fatally from the movie as a whole - this thing is actually painful to watch! And yet I see that some claim that "Prometheus" is a misunderstood masterpiece like "2001", if only we'd look beneath the surface of horrible scripting to find its "deeper meaning". Yes, "Prometheus" is a lot like "2001", except that "Prometheus" sucks and I hated it. Ye gods, "2001" was sublime and mysterious where "Prometheus" is a tangled, reeking mess of botched writing and editing. Truly sad to see the director of "Alien", "Blade Runner" and "Gladiator" reduced to this garbage. Move along folks, nothing to see here...