Boring, Stupid, and Not Very Scary

Rating: 3/10 (12 June 2012)

I will try to create a quick bulletin list of problems with this film, starting with the good first.
The Good 1) Visually very well done. The landscape and technology were all very interesting to look at. 2) Actors were believable. Fassbender gives a great (if wasted) performance.
The Bad 1) Actors actions- while you could believe the characters, it was hard to believe their backgrounds or motivations. Scientists and select crew for a trillion dollar secret mission to an alien civilization act with all the sense and survival instinct of camp Counselors at Crystal Lake. The android infection scene had zero to do with anything- not science, not a plan to take over the ship, not to make the old man immortal. Nothing. It was very dumb.
2) Plot and themes in general felt very paper thin. The aliens actions are under explained, never very clear. Weyland's plan is full of holes. The magical medical chair was just fine, save for it's rather inexplicable lack of female anatomy lessons (12 in existence, and they get the dudes only chair? In the woman's private chamber?)
3) Not scary. There just wasn't a good build up of dread. It never hit the fan in the way it needed to, and the characters were so undeveloped, you couldn't even muster a bit of care when they were killed. For it to be scary, you have to get people to buy into the premise, and I started laughing as it went on. The kills lacked a certain useful realism.
4) Plot holes! There are multiple, but my favorite is, how did the space octopus grow to epic proportions in a room with no food- was there a pudding button on the magic healing chair?
5) Wasted themes. Good sci-fi will ask questions about who we are, what we are in the universe, whys and hows, and explore them. This movie nods at them, then wastes time on mutants and octopi and predictable to point of stupid twists, and we never really get that sense of having gotten a hard think out of it.
If it had been scary, or compelling, or visually stunning to some new heights, it could've succeeded, but it's a slow ride to nowhere that leaves you feeling empty.