Stay away from those clams, lady.

Rating: 10/10 (22 June 2012)

This afternoon, me and my best friend Steven borrowed some money from Mum's handbag and went to see that new movie that everyone is talking about "Prometheus", the hotly anticipated prequel to Ridley Scott's sci- fi horror masterpiece, "E.T: The Extra Terrestrial". There's a lot of excitement as it's is supposed to answer many of the questions surrounding the original film, giving more background to where the alien came from and why his spaceship looked exactly like the barrel from Pop- up Pirate. But does it provide answers to these burning questions? Does it bloody! The aliens don't even look anything like the scary ones in E.T! There's not even a single bicycle or toothy little boy in it. What rot.
Despite this initial disappointment, the plot isn't half bad. It's a classic tale - bunch of scientists and a robot go on a holiday to outer space and have a great time mucking around with some black slime they find in a hole. But one of them has to spoil the fun by eating too many oysters and ends up having a messy belly operation. Remember kids, if you don't want to end up with a squid in your tummy make sure your oysters are dead before you eat them (If they smell putrid and make a clacking sound when you tap them, they're safe).
As you can imagine, this film is pretty scary. I found some of the action scenes in Police Academy 6 quite startling, but let me tell you, some of the scenes in Prometheus takes soiling yourself to a whole new level. And it's easy to see why, the film features three of the most frightening things known to man: space aliens, dark caves and mysterious ooze. When the crew of the Prometheus entered that scary old dark cave I could barely keep hold of my Fanta with fright, but when I found it was both dark AND full of murderous oozey space aliens I was so spooked I ended up trying to sew my eyes shut with my shoelaces.
Now, there's been a lot of people who have been getting all upset about the problems with the plot, and I do agree with them. You could say it has more holes than some swiss cheese (joke lol!). For a film that was supposed to answer questions there were too many things left unexplained. For instance, who built that big spaceship? How come none of the characters had to go to the toilet during the film when I had to go four times in the first hour? The fact that Ridley Scott couldn't address these simple issues makes me seriously consider his skill as a director.
Anyway, it wasn't all bad. For me, the stand out performance was Michael Fassenbender's fantastic turn as David, the Machiavellian synthetic man. It made us suspicious of our own friend David who talks a bit weird, so later that night we went his house with a knife to see if he had milk instead of blood. However, he wouldn't stop screaming and crying (artificial?) tears so we let him off the hook, but not before we threw his PS3 down the stairs. That's one machine that isn't going to play naughty tricks on us. The rise of the machines is averted, for now. As for the rest of the cast, there were far too many people on that spaceship for my liking. The queue for the bathroom in the morning must've been diabolical, perhaps that's why everyone was saving their wee up until they got back to Earth. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the rest of those urine retaining space knuckleheads.
Dr Sure: Oyster Mum. She was supposed to be from England, but she sounded more like her mouth was full of antiseptic wipes. Didn't like her.
Holloway: He was wipe lady's boyfriend and I think he pretended he wanted to go to deep space so she'd kiss him but when he got there he didn't like it. He saw that the cave was scary so he pretended to be ill but they called his bluff and incinerated him.
Vickerz: My feelings of her are ambiguous. She was pushy and rude, but her tightly fitting space costume made me feel funny in my tummy.
Benny and Bones: Benny and bones don't really do much in the film. They pilot the ship in the first act and then pop up again to perform a suicide mission in the last twenty minutes. It's weird that they were so ready to sacrifice their lives despite barely participating in the mission at all up until that point. I know how they felt though, sometimes when you are working in a group if you don't speak up, after a while you find yourself volunteering for anything just to feel included.
The Wolfman & Specs: Wolfman and Specs were the most sensible crew members. When they discovered that the dark cave was full of alien corpses they decided to go back to the ship where it was safe. But unfortunately instead of going back to the ship where it was safe they wandered deeper into the cave and died in the dark in a pile of tears and cobra bites. As anyone who has got lost in Wookey Hole will tell you, hold Dad's hand and don't ever, ever let go.
Overall, Prometheus has everything a great film should have; actors, sound, colours and a long list of names at the end. Despite it's shortcomings I have to award it five stars, mainly because I have no other frame of reference. It's the only film I've ever seen at the cinema, the only other film I've seen is Police Academy 3 which Mum taped off the telly in 1992, and I've watched that so watched that so many times the tracking has gone all mental.