So you wanted to have your senses and imagination gloriously re-charged by the old Master

Rating: 4/10 (7 June 2012)

-----SPOILERS------
Imagine a remake of Alien by someone who had to lose $200 million dollars, fast, for tax purposes, and who hadn't seen the first Alien movie but had overheard someone talking about it in a noisy bar, but left before hearing about the ending.
So you get almost all of the same elements.. (treacherous,back-stabbing android, anyone? "Don't open the door!"...Oh, Okay then, let's have a look inside...)
Everything from the first Alien movie, in a similar order, but without any of the tightness of character or plot, and without any sense of danger, suspense or purpose, in 3D.
I had high hopes. There's a fr*gging huge UFO in the first two minutes. Boom!
I was still thinking, with the first few scenes on the ship, that this is going to be good. Or maybe it just reminded me that yes, Moon was a good movie, wasn't it?
If we've got time to watch the Android play basketball for god-sakes and watch old movies, just imagine the rest of it! The sheer confidence to stall before the main event! Go Ridley!
Okay, then - everyone wakes up – yes, yes they've been in space-sleep – let's just hope we don't - oh, okay, let's watch people throw up. For realism, sure.
And then, and then. Okay, Mr. Scriptwriter -fair enough you want to separate the two idiots from the main group. Fine, but perhaps making them get lost in the tunnels – which are being mapped and digitally recreated in the main ship to which they have direct contact - Well then perhaps getting them lost – when they can't possibly get lost, isn't the brightest method of separating them. Nevermind.
But you do mind, and the questions start to pile-up.
Like, how many fr*gging people are there on this ship, anyway?
Did nobody notice Don't-Open-the-Door-Oh-Okay-Then-Android – carrying a suspiciously large canister, that he didn't have before, back into the ship?
And NB: If you are carrying a 2,000 year old alien's head in a storm, perhaps hold on to it, and not allow it to fall to the ground.
NB: If you do drop it, and risk your life recovering it – perhaps it's best not to randomly and massively electrocute it and have it explode.
Why is that scientist getting drunk? They haven't even finished searching the very first site they've come to. Perhaps. There. Are. Other. Places. To. Look. "Ahfuggatabbouit, I'm drinking here."
. And don't talk to me about dedication. I've just been woken up from a 2,000 year old space-sleep by bunch of monkey's we made on another planet – and I've got work to do. I'm not going to talk about it. I'm just going to decapitate the nearest android – AND, SIR, GET ON WITH MY MISSION. No, I'm not going to have anything for breakfast. OK, I'm going throw up a bit and then get down to work. What's that? Do I want to check if there are any other monkeys on my ship. I don't have time for that kind of cr*p. I've got to get back on schedule. What's that? Perhaps the stupid monkeys have accidentally unleashed all of the biological weaponry on my ship? Listen, I'm 2,000 years behind schedule – I simply don't have the time to check.
Hey, you listen, I am a multi-trillionaire. I have a shot at prolonging my life. I get a ship. I get a self-surgery machine thing.
You don't want say, a dozen top-surgeons? I can get them. I just have to call-
No, I want a machine.
OK, how many you want?
Just one. And set it to 'male' and break the handle. I don't want any females getting fixed up on my dollar.
Fine. Anything else?
Get me a Captain and a crew.
I got this laconic womanizing cool Captain and some bozos.
Perfect. Now I want to make a fake film where I pretend I've died and explain why the ship is where it is, when it gets there.
Nurse! Little help, here
And all the time, I'll be hiding around the corner! M-whu-hahahahah! Now put me to back to sleep.
What about the fake film?
Oh, yeah. I want it perfect. I'm going to get the two experts to stand here and here. Can we get them to do that?
Sure.
Oh, and my daughter will be in charge – but don't tell her I'm coming with her.
Okay, what sort of personal protection do you want? Some ex-marines? Some war robots?
What for?
In case of trouble?
Listen sunshine, I didn't get where I am today but not knowing when and where to take personal protection. And a simple multi-million mile journey to an unknown planet, isn't either.
Nurse!
TL-DR – imagine Alien, no, better yet – imagine the room where they kept the set and props for Alien...Remove John Hurt and any good pieces of dialogue and then run an expensive camera over it for 2 and half hours.