Not Only Brainless But Reprehensible

Rating: 1/10 (8 June 2012)

Welcome to Ridley Scott's lobotomy.
There's a quaint notion plot points introduced in the first minutes are paid off by end credit's roll. (Introduce a gun in the First Act, use it by the Third.) Three Act structure: venerable, tested, Beginning, Middle, END. It is reported with great sadness this concept perished in the still-birth of "Prometheus." Fine. Great films sometimes toss away cinematic tradition to frame an intriguing story in a new way. "Prometheus" is not one of them. This film is an anti-cinematic conceit whose sole purpose is who knows. Maybe to get your ass in a seat for the next. Mr. Scott and his band of merry pranksters should have inserted the title, 'Coming Soon, Prometheus II'. Add a zoom out from infinity to wring the most of 3D.
It's difficult to fathom why anyone without good knowledge of the Alien films would care about or understand this flaccid prequel. (Or even care if you do.) The Alien Quadrilogy left many to wonder about the aliens. They're obviously intelligent yet incredibly hostile. Why? Who are they? Where do they come from? "Prometheus" offers a tease but few answers. Instead there's obfuscated storytelling with the clarity of thick Mississippi mud. However, fans of the Alien films will immediately recognize references to the earlier films.
The brass tacks.
This rust bucket lurches into many ports along its ill-fated two hour tour. There's mankind's unquenchable thirst to know his place in the Universe. A narcissistic quest for God by a pseudo Jesus. Corporate greed and dirty dealings. The strained relationship between Fathers and Daughters. Guns blazing action. Beware! If this cocktail be tasteth it will puckereth the mouth with bittereth confusion and droppeth the IQ by fourscore points.
Dialogue so bad the ears ache. Characters you could give a damn about ready to do anything to fulfill unspoken agendas. Characters 'assigned' inane personalities in order to act out equally inane, unmotivated behavior. Even the hapless lead, the excellent Ms. Rapace, appears to have walked into the middle of a lecture about Astrophysics that's well above her head. And, Ms. Theron trips into the space carpet and is never heard from again. A signpost for trouble dead ahead always arrives in the form of a film within the film. In this case, Michael Fassbender, the android David, adopts Peter O'Toole's fey behavior after watching (a 3D) "Lawrence of Arabia." From 1962. How many will get this, and other, smarmy references tossed ascreen by lazy writers who are also incapable of writing and instead plug in emotion and theme from other sources.
HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that.
Of Mr. Fassbender, his light shines brightest. Like the murderous HAL in "2001: A Space Odyssey," this artificial David intrigues. He's Mary anointing Jesus' feet; the perfect, cocktail shaking man-servant; corporate bad guy; keeper of the (unspoken) secrets of secrets; murderer; Dr. Frankenstein. Nice work, Mr. Fassbender, but see also Ian Holm, Ash, "Alien," 1979.
Mostly, the cast just bumps into each other on the expensive sets and vast, exotic landscape.
Mr. Scott called this mess, "2001 on steroids." Kubrick is doomed to spin eternally in his grave.
C'mon! It must have thrills and chills. Wrong, Bucko. There are painfully few heart-racing moments. Sure, here's a highpoint; an inexplicable Zombie attack by the greedy Brit, Fifield, Sean Harris, who died after his face was burned off by the molecular acid coursing in alien veins. Nice work, Mr. Harris, but see also Yaphet Kotto, Parker, "Alien," 1979. Minus the Zombie, of course.
The writer's laptops should be immediately confiscated and incinerated. The ashes should then be sealed in a titanium urn, encased in a ton of concrete and dropped into the Marianas Trench. Wait! James Cameron could possibly retrieve them. (Yes, that's a dig at Cameron.)
Tech credits are top notch as is the 3D. Too bad all that effort resulted in a stupid, pointless and muddled-beyond-belief film.
If given to mythology, Prometheus endowed humans, formerly clay, with the spark of life. He should have been hired as a technical consultant for this DOA, namesake film. Maybe he could ask Zeus to send down a thunderbolt or two to fry the master hard drives upon which the ill-arranged bits and bytes of "Prometheus" reside. (If they were on speaking terms after that fire thing.)
PS Check the pedigree of authors offering glowing words. Many of these reviews were concocted by Studio Plants. Particularly the cretins pre-selling the extended Blu--ray.