Oh (literally) God.

Rating: 1/10 (6 June 2012)

Ah, the dumb blonde of movies. So so pretty, but so so stupid. Stop thinking about the intellectually insulting plot, the lackluster "scares" and just enjoy the scenery. It's only for one night, and you can dump her tomorrow. After all she is so so pretty.
But let's face it, if you just want to look at pretty things while your brain takes a vacation, there's Avatar. If you want to be insulted by this assault at common sense, hate the protagonist and roll your eyes at hackneyed dialog and telegraphed plot point with subtext as subtle as a sledgehammer to the vagina. Well, then there's Prometheus.
I'd kid about how Alien Resurrection was scarier, but frankly so was that episode of Muppet Show with Vincent Price. It's just the god-awful Erich von Dänicken meets creationist theory plot that sucks the soul out of this impossibly beautiful looking sci-fi. Well, anyway eff the SCI! Hey dumb darwinist quipper, guess who's going to die first. Spoiler: It's you! Creationism is true, let's meet our engineers. Spoiler: THEY HATE US!
I honestly can't think who this film was set out to p!ss off more, atheists or creationists? Is Ridley Scott just trolling us all? Is it another elaborate Scientology ad? Because it sure as hell reminds me of Battlefield Earth. (But so so pretty).
Anyway, please avoid this film unless you are really just waiting to see what tenuous connection it has to a pretty darn good eighties space-horror which spawned at least one good sequel and OH LOOK OVER THERE, there's the Star Wars prequels!
So yeah, what the hell Ridley Scott? The 1984 Apple commercial had a better plot than this. So much wasted talent, so many wasted pixels, so many (well a few) good actors delivering lines like: "FATHER!" while we involuntarily roll our eyes back into our skulls for the seventh time. And so many characters wasted for this review, I am a twitter person dammit! (Spoiler: Jesus is a Xenomorph).

Erik