I might lose a friend over this

Rating: 1/10 (30 December 2014)

So last night a friend of mine forced me to watch THIS, even though I told him that I'm not a fan of a) Fox Studios, b) The Alien, and c) Sci-fi movies in general. He insisted, saying that the movie has a lot of "clever details". I am sad to say this, but smoking copious amounts of weed must've rendered his critical thinking obsolete if he actually saw anything "clever" in it. So I am not sure if I can ever hang out with him again, I am that deeply insulted.
I knew I was in for some stupidity right at the first scene, when they showed the alien "DNA" which looked like a crumbled noodle, but whatever. The next 2 minutes or so, when the robot is riding the bicycle and simultaneously shooting hoops, were the most impressive and entertaining in the WHOLE MOVIE, I am not kidding! The rest of the film was clearly made by the minor characters from Idiocracy. The so- called "astronauts" received precisely zero training or instructions, moreover they haven't even met each other! Pretty much EVERY "science" scene looked as if some third graders decided to pretend play as scientists. Example: (looking through a regular optical microscope): "I can see the DNA changing!". There are many others too, already mentioned too, from an exploding alien head to a 16-th century type c-section performed with no anesthesia, painkillers or proper wound care (Idiocracy tribute?). Also gotta love the part where the specially designed and reinforced supposedly unbreakable spacesuit helmets SHATTER like freaking light bulbs and CUT the astronauts' faces. Not to mention that ALL of the characters were flat, annoying, clueless (and both women were shown as having a case of permanent PMS). The only other part I wearily smirked at was when the grown alien baby decided to protect its mommy and kill the humanoid guy, but then the ending where mother and child reunite, after which Dr Shaw turns into a squid/slug thing herself would've been so nice. Speaking of which, she better die on that damn spaceship. I can't afford to risk losing another clueless friend over the "cool" sequel.
1 star for the computer graphics, 0.1 stars for Dr. Shaw's cute accent. Still rounds up to 1 :) '