My review makes as much sense as the film

Rating: 7/10 (1 June 2012)

I keep flipping my opinion on it, I mean there were huge flaws in it but the fact its stuck in my mind shows it was pretty good. It also had a scene in it that literally made me physically squirm in my seat, during which I think I may have also mouthed oh god. Which is something that hasn't happened before.
Overall it was a disappointment though, billed as "not" an Alien film, but it was and is, so you go in expecting the famous creatures and you don't (99% of the film) get them. I came out of the cinema saying to my friend there weren't any scares, but that isn't true, there obviously are, but if you know Alien as a franchise then you know the scares so its a case of same old ticked boxes rather than scare moments. Fair enough they did come up with some twists, one of which being the squirm scene, but I wasn't scared, just grossed out.
I can't really comment on the 3D as I say it was my first 3D film. I enjoyed it but it was a distraction mostly, the moments it is at its best break the illusion because you think 'damn I got conned by the 3D, I'm watching a 3D film'. There was one moment I was thinking who the hell is in the way of the shot, get out the way, but it was a character in the foreground. And I'm thinking 'man how dozy are you' and then I'm not paying attention to the film.
Everyone is banging on about Fassbender, and yes he was good, but his performance was entirely guided by two fantastic examples from the previous Ash and Bishop. Without them as a reference I doubt he would have come up with the same method of playing David. He was good but obvious, you know without 5 seconds of his presence that he was the android. And the dodgy android at that.
The film lacked characters as far as I was concerned; I wouldn't be able to tell you any names other than Fassbender, Theron, and the Tom Hardy look-a-like (and only him because his girl said it about 20 times). Most of them were in the films as furniture, as alive as the flamethrowers. I didn't care about any of them other than Idris Elba, and maybe Charlize Theron. Who I'll talk about now,
What the hell happened?
You get Charlize Theron in your film, and you give her flip all. I saw her in Monster and she was insane, this almost inhuman killing machine, so she is in Prometheus and you think here we go she gets out of stasis sleep and does some push ups, looking angry, we've got some sort of evil fit Vasquez type on our hands. But no, she spends the entire film watching what is going on. The flame thrower scene doesn't count because his was such a nothing death/character. Then she has the most pointless death scene I've seen in ages. Wasted. (literally)
The lead, Noomi, was pretty good. Not believable as a survival machine like Sigourney though. Her last third of the film just had me going oh god I bet that is killing when you do that. Or HOW THE HELL IS SHE STILL GOING. And would you really believe in god after all that? Just because your dad said? AND would you really forgive someone from murdering your husband(?)
THE ENGINEERS. This really annoyed me, the whole aesthetic of the "space jockey" was conveniently bi-passed by saying it was a space suit. Jesus. So instead we had these giant naked albino muscle men running around trying to kill anything/looking close to tears. And the intro???? what was going on. NOTHING MADE SENSE.
IDRIS ELBA. Not much of a role but he did it well, impossible not to love him. His character was a bit annoying at times, like suddenly becoming all philosophical about it or just accepting the constant death like it was nothing.
ALIENS(?) the film did my head in here, there were so many variations it was impossible to fear anything because nothing really came out you twice. The original Giger characterisation of the monster is an absolute classic, but here we had snakes and a giant squid. and mad muscle men. and ink. and a baby squid starfish. I'm thinking at the end when she gets in the pod, behind the door is the beginnings of a queen alien here we go! but the giant vagina squid comes out. damn.
TOM HARDLY LOOK-A-LIKE. This guy was really good looking. but totally none-dimensional even in 3D. He kept putting his feet up on everything, WE GET IT YOU'RE FREE SPIRITED. then he starts looking like Nathan Hale at the end of Resistance 2. Then the most I don't want to get involved character in the film kills him. He is that nothing.
QUOTES. There were none. Alien films are great for famous one liners, especially Aliens which may have the highest count of killer lines in film history. But the dialogue was fairly straightforward, the best bits being quotes from other films "There is nothing in the desert, and no man needs nothing" a Lawrence of Arabia quote from David. and "If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with" lyrics from Idris' character
So yeah I didn't like it that much. It was a good enough film to be worth seeing, If none of the other Alien films existed I'm sure it would have semi-blown my mind. AND I'm again sure it will grow on me in time, just as Alien 3 did. AND AND Maybe there is a directors cut on the DVD that sorts it all out...