Trash of the Titan

Rating: 1/10 (27 June 2012)

For over 30 years, I've believed that no worse movie could be made than 'Can't Stop the Music'. I was wrong. And it breaks my 'Alien'-loving heart. WHO WROTE THIS GARBAGE, and what were they smoking? Listen up: I'm perfectly ready to suspend disbelief, esp. when it comes to sci-fi. I was also not wanting or expecting another 'Alien', as superb as it was. But this thing is, to quote Dorothy Parker, not just bad. This is fancy. A huge, huge problem is borrowing 'Alien' motifs when they do not at all apply. For instance, the crew of motley, disgruntled folks of Prometheus. Such a crew was perfect for a mining ship coming back from a dull and long job; when it's mankind's first, trillion-dollar search for life in the universe, a team seemingly pulled out of a Hooter's Happy Hour seems inappropriate. Similarly, we get the 'Alien' captain, here bad-ass but still just out to earn a paycheck. On THIS mission? It's as though Scott so valued these elements, he had to re-use them even when they utterly do not belong. Then. There's the helmets-off idiocy on the alien moon, prompted by a computer reading that the air is OK, nicely ignoring that maybe scientists would nonetheless by wary in so unknown an environment/atmosphere. There's the wretched cliché of the ancient trillionaire. There's about an hour of exposition featuring the evil gay robot who, after plainly sabotaging the womb of Dr. Shaw, is buddied up to by her not long after. Best of all are the oddly redneck two scientists, stranded, and a coaxing of an alien cobra-like creature as though it were a kitten. This is so ghastly, I felt sorry for the actor, as I did for the geologist, setting foot on a new moon and angry that he's expected to take any interest in the proceedings. This goes to an even larger flaw, in that, aside from a few, requisite gasps, everyone is reacting to this extraordinary find as though they stumbled into a funky part of town. To that end, and more horrifying than the scientist-kitten, is Holloway's pouty, drunken angst because, gee, there weren't no daddy aliens to explain why man exists. He has found an incredible alien civilization and proof of humanoid life but, like a true scientist, he can't get past not getting his boyish dream fulfilled. Also; he awakes to discover a creeping worm in his freaking eye, tells no one, and simply goes off on the day's mission? Who wrote this garbage? Last issue: there is NO momentum. There is no tension or suspense. There isn't even a second- rate 'Alien' prequel, because this thing would have to work real hard to be second-rate.