alien episode 1: the phantom menace?

Rating: 4/10 (19 June 2012)

this review contains spoilers!!!! OK. So I loved the alien movies, I loved the predator movies. I took a guilty pleasure in the AVP movies. I don't love Prometheus. I should have. There was a formula set that worked. This should not have been screwed up. First off. this movie is visually stunning. I love the visual over CGI graphics. It is as rich and full as its predecessors in visuals. but not in story, effects, or development. Its like the whole budget and time line was put into sets and then they tossed the actors in and filmed the script after it was sorted by a strong wind. the films android David(Michael Fassbender) is the only developed character you feel for. in fact you root for him to kill off the humans. Noomie Rapace is awful. one of the worst actresses I have ever seen. Her roll is so badly cast as the heroin that I think someone in casting should be fired. she never develops beyond a confused religious scientist with poor priorities and worse judgement. None of the major characters have any personality. Charlize Theron should have played the main in this film. Guy Pearce was completely un necessary and the whole beginning in the ruins on earth could have been skipped. the film is full of holes and missed opportunities for subplot. The beginning where they verify the star map is laughable, the archaeologists admit the galaxy they represent is too far for humans to even see in the sky. So how the hell did to relic hunters find it? they made up the theory of the engineers with no evidence. how the hell did they convince a superstitions industrialist to spend a trillion on an expedition with no payoff!!!? they were pseudo religious morons with archaeology degrees trying to prove god. Dr shaw says in one part as she cuddles her cross. "they made us so who made them." as a way to hold her faith. how did they clear psych checks to even get into space? not the kind of people you hand a blank cheque to unless you really love the whole cult experiences.
all the other actors other then the droid may as well have been mannequins. the scientists were all idiots with no knowledge of standard lab or quarantine procedure. lets all take our helmets off kids!
so plot holes: 1: why is the technology in the past better then the technology in alien? they have better mapping systems, better medical, better rovers, better ships, better hyper sleep? this is a prequel. way to take a page from star wars Ridley! 2:the living green slime on the engineers control panel in the ruins on the planet. David sees it reactive to touch and says its interesting. that's it? its a bio reactive material that somehow stayed reactive to touch for 2 freaking millennium and its just "interesting". I had a crap once that was "interesting" too. 3: the virus cases in the storage chamber. David takes one. parts the grey slime and get the ampules containing the builder virus out then infects one of the doctors. the grey sludge was an organic packing compound and of no interest to him. yet it is what turns one of the crew into a monster and mutates the worms. so what the hell was the grey slime? 4: on the wall is painted a picture of a xenomorph. so the engineers were familiar with that genetic screw up. yet this film predates the xenomorph. 5: the Dr. infected with the builder virus by David rapidly sickens and is killed. so what was the point of the infection? it proved nothing. there was no way he could have known any of the outcomes were possible. and as a robot he would not have been motivated by anger to kill the Dr. so wtf!? did we just need to ad a squid Cesarian to spice things up? 6: the engineer holograms show them running and setting the ship to take off. but not what they were running from and the run to the room full of their failed bio weapon. its like the worst parts of a system shock remake. but without a system or a shock! 7: waking up the engineer. he's been in hyper sleep for 2000 years. and he just wakes up fine. we have the same DNA. same side effects! 2 years leaves a person dehydrated and puking their guts out. 2000 leaves you crying on the floor not beheading robots! 8: Dr.Shaw and David take the one of the other ships to go to the engineer home world. but the virus ships from this planet were supposed to go infect earth. you mean in 2000 years no one from engineer base one noticed the ships never made the delivery. hell if fed ex can track a shipment I'm sure the aliens who evolved fed ex can too! and how will they survive. I'm sure engineer food is tasty. but her suit will not mesh with their life support in hyper sleep and she sure as hell wont fit and engineer flight suit.
the only way to make this movie suck more would have been to make jar jar Binks jump out of the engineers chest in the end! Even with the pseudo alien in the end what does it matter. its the only living thing on a dead planet fathered by a dead squid. good luck.
look you want to watch Alien. go watch Alien. leave this crap alone. the visuals make it worth ONE watch. but don't even think of it as having anything to do with Alien. all his needs in the credits is "The Syfy channel presents..." I Feel dirty and cheated.