Tepid Arabian Nights Nonsense

Rating: 5/10 (29 May 2010)

"Pirates of the Caribbean" producer Jerry Bruckheimer's antiquity-themed potboiler "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" qualifies as an anemic sword and sorcery fantasy with Jake Gyllenhaal of "Brokeback Mountain" and Gemma Arterton of "Quantum of Solace." Loosely derived from Jordan Mechner's videogames, this adrenaline-fueled, ancient-times fantasy unfolds in the sixth century when Persia was a super power. A wrongly accused innocent must clear himself of a murderous crime he never committed, expose the real murderer, and deny him possession of a fabled dagger. The crystal hilt of this bejeweled dagger holds the sands of time. A man can rewrite history by pushing a button on the dagger. Although this far-fetched, family-friendly, special effects-laden spectacle rarely gives its characters a chance to catch their collective breaths, the sands run out of "Prince of Persia" long before the story concludes with its happily-ever-after ending. Remember, "Prince of Persia" bears the Disney Studios imprimatur. Original "Punisher" scenarist Boaz Yakin and "The Great Raid" co-scribes Doug Miro and Carlo Bernard have contrived a frenzied but forgettable actioneer about palace intrigue supplemented by cliffhanger heroics. This doesn't compensate for the dearth of compelling characters and quotable dialogue.
The worst thing about "Donnie Brasco" director Mike Newell's ancient times epic is that it is simply no fun. Mind you, the lightning-fast, ginsu knife editing pares everything to the minimum among camera angles galore, but the action doesn't leap off the screen in a metaphorical sense. Alfred Molina of "Spider Man 2" plays the only character that has fun. Sadly, the chemistry between Gyllenhaal and Arterton is lukewarm.A miscast Jake Gyllenhaal with an Estuary accent looks uncomfortable as an "Aladdin" style hero. He appears perfectly ridiculous beneath a black lion's mane of hair, while the villainous Ben Kingsley sports far too much eye-liner. Gemma Arterton emerges from this hokum with some dignity. Whether she is wielding a weapon or displaying her superior intellect, she makes a striking but not always triumphant heroine. Unhappily, most of the characters make little impression aside from their choice of weapons. Some of the CGI effects, particularly the slithering vipers, look too spurious. In his prime, actor Burt Lancaster could have done in real life every stunt that Jake Gyllenhaal performs with obvious support of CGI.
As "Prince of Persia" opens, we learn that Persia ruled the world from Asia to the Mediterranean. Persian King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) has two sons by blood, but adopts a third. Sharaman saw a street urchin named Dastan defy authority in a village and try to help another boy out of a jam. The King admired the youth's bravery so much that he adopted him. Fifteen years later, a grown-up Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal of "Donnie Darko") has acquired a reputation for derring-do that defies good sense. Dastan's eldest brother Tus (Richard Coyle of "Young Blades") and his mighty army approach the peaceful city of Alamut. Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) prepares her people for what she fears may be the fall of Alamut. None of her subjects believe that this is possible. Meantime, Tus' spies have informed him that Alamut has fired up forges and is mass producing arms for Persia's enemies. Wonder where the scenarists cooked up that plot? Tus has a conference with blood brother Garsiv (Toby Kebbell of "RocknRolla") and his adopted brother Dastan. Dastan agrees that Alamut must be attacked, but he is disappointed when his brother Garsiv gets to lead the charge. Later that night, Dastan and his commando-style squad hit the city where it least expects it and opens it up for Garsiv to rampage inside. Tamina entrusts the legendary dagger to a warrior. As the warrior is with the dagger is leaving, he spots Dastan and tries to kill him. Dastan kills him and acquires the dagger.
After the city falls, Tus proposes a marriage of alliance with Tamina. She considers the offer more seriously when she sees that Dastan has the dagger in his belt. King Sharaman arrives for the victory celebration, and Dastan presents him with a gift. It is an Alamut prayer regent's cloak. No sooner has Sharaman shrugged into the cloak than it ignites into a blaze that kills the monarch. Everybody points fingers at Dastan, but Dastan remembers that Tus gave him the present. Tamina shows him an escape route and he follows her on horseback into the desert. Tus offers a substantial reward on Dastan's head, and our hero and heroine fall in with an outlaw band of desert thieves lead by wise-cracking Sheik Amar (Alfred Molina) who hams it up with relish. Amar is an outlaw because he hates paying taxes that the government would use for unscrupulous ends. Dastan discovers the secret power of the dagger when Tamina tries to relieve him of it. Tamina brings him up to date on the mythical history of the dagger. It seems that the gods had decided to destroy mankind when one person stepped forward and raised their hand in protest. The gods relented and put the sand that they plan to use to destroy the earth deep into the ground. This sacred sand is the only kind of sand that makes the dagger magical. Dastan wants to get to Sharaman's trusted brother Nizam (Ben Kingsley of "Shutter Island" and warn him about Tus' treachery.
"Prince of Persia" duplicates virtually every search for hidden treasure movie that you've ever seen, including all the "Aladdin" and "Ali Baba" epics as well as the "Mummy" movies and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" franchise. There is nothing here that you haven't seen before and seen done better. Moreover, once you've seen the hero turn back the hands of time to survive an encounter with an antagonist, it doesn't require much brain power to anticipate that more of this kind of nonsense will follow but on a grander scale, not matter how many important characters bite the dust. Make the "Prince of Persia" a rental.