A Waste of Sand and Time

Rating: 2/10 (3 June 2010)

There's a very good reason why SouthSide's chosen profession is reviewing live music instead of cinematic feature films. At least within the independent scene, there's a wide variety of bands/artists to discover and music to be heard. Something new and eclectic is always rocking' the stage. However it seems Hollywood today has yet to learn that especially with its current trend of crappy re-makes and turning video games into movies. Prince of Persia:The Sands of Time is a prime example of a movie "based" on a video game though not really like or about the game itself. Produced by the same duo who brought you Pirates of the Caribbean (Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer), this movie doesn't even earn the rank of "swashbuckler" like Pirates since it had no swash to buckle this reviewer into liking it.
The biggest problem with Prince of Persia (besides the noticeably lack of any Arabic/Middle Eastern actor/actress represented in this film) was the jumbled mesh of movie influences and clichés it borrowed to have a plot. The opening sequences had more sand than Lawerance of Arabia before jumping quickly into The Thief of Baghdad meets Aladdin. There's plenty of Matrix-like action scenes mixed with campy Pirates of Caribbean leaps and swings. Honestly, do we need point of view shots from an arrow's prospective? And how could they think no one would notice the Lion King reference (brother plotting against brother for his throne and kingdom - he's definitely no Scar, folks)? The Romancing The Stone love interest banter between Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Tamina (Gemma Arterton) was so nauseating that SouthSide nearly shouted - "KISS HER ALREADY!" - at the movie screen. Plus the National Treasure and Indiana Jones references and clichés were so obvious than the booby traps near the end of the movie. Also toss in Star Wars zen-like references and characters ...whew, this is so exhausting while spotting the many movie references that SouthSide will stop here. There was nothing original about the swashbuckler part of Prince of Persia ...it doesn't even deserve the title of action/adventure. Sorry, those days of cinematic scores, thrills and action/adventure (i.e. Captain Blood, Mark of Zorro, Robin Hood - not that current Russell Crowe crap) are long gone. Those examples and many more truly emulated the essence and spirit of what a swashbuckler movie was.
Next, Jake Gyllenhaal isn't what you would call a "swashbuckler" hero-type for this movie. It was so confusing watching him trying to handle the suavity and charismatic charm (like Johnny Depp's Capt Jack Sparrow) and the bright-eyed, diamond in the rough hero (like Orlando Bloom's Will Turner and Aladdin) at the same time. In SouthSide's opinion, he was playing it straight ...so serious as he could as if he was reverting back to Donnie Darko. There was no charm ...no sense of him being a hero to cheer for with his unfunny one-liners mixed within Dastan's script. Gemma Arterton was essentially boring as Princess Tamina. She tried so hard to have that spunk and fire (like Carrie Fisher's Princess Leia and Jasmine from Aladdin)that there was none to be found whenever she shared the screen time with Jake. There was NO real chemistry ...this reviewer felt their "love/hate" taunting were shot separately to save time (and money). Also SouthSide feels that Sir Ben Kingsley's superb acting talent was totally wasted as the baddie brother, Nizam. This role was really beneath an actor of his quality ...not his best outing. And Alfred Molina - *sighs* - his character was totally unnecessary as an ostrich race promoter/tax evader (who knew ostriches were common in Persia). He was the "Han Solo" of the Prince of Persia with his silent (and rather hunky) "Chewbacca" who ONLY has a few lines near the end of the movie! SouthSide found herself rooting for the Hassassins since they were the only characters that she found worth interesting - wouldn't mind snuggling up with the guy who charms/stares at snakes.. AND what's up with the FAKE British accents switching to American and then back to British throughout this movie?!?! Shouldn't we sound like Persian with some sort of Arabic dialect? UGH - SouthSide wishes she could turn back time and stop herself from agreeing to review this movie for the team (and you know who you are! She's sending you the therapy bill soon).
Overall, SouthSide hopes (and prays) there isn't a sequel to this movie. Seriously, this isn't a really a movie franchise that deserves one since the ending summed it up with MORE FREAKIN' SAND! There's nothing left ...however, this is Hollywood and sequels rule the box office (sometimes). SouthSide's afraid Disney and Bruckheimer are probably working on Prince of Persia 2: The Revenge of Nizam.
UGH - what a sickening thought ...bad SouthSide!