Retard Gere (see what I did there) is a retard

Rating: Null/10 (12 October 2004)

Let me start this review with a question (THAT'S RIGHT A QUESTION 'EMPIRE' MAGAZINE!) and one that I think might change the way that you view this film in the future. Let's just say that you're Richard Gere in this film, and you have so much money that you can do anything you want would you:
A) Pay Julia Roberts, a women who I believe to be possessed by something similar to that slug monster from 'The Hidden' to be your escort for some business events, or:
B) Use your wealth to have either Famke Janssen or Whoopi Goldberg cloned to act as your escort for some business events?
The correct answer is B. why the hell would you pay Julia Roberts to act as an escort? For a start she's evil and secondly she's possessed by something unnatural that might jump out of her face at any moment. If you were meeting Bill Gates at a posh dinner party and an evil slug exploded out your 'girlfriends' face do you honestly think he'd do business with you? Duh No!
But imagine turning up at a posh dinner party in an exclusive restaurant with Whoopi Goldberg? That'd be great! She'd be like all kooky and funny, making all the posh people look like morons.
Lord Windford: 'I say, can you pass the baked beans please Ms Goldberg.'
Whoopi Goldberg: 'With a name like Windford, I think you've had enough beans already!'
HA! Take THAT the British class system! But I bet you'd expect that the whole place would be all stuffy with dull classical music playing and the clinking of cutlery. WRONG! Because wherever Whoopi goes she gets all the people together and shows them that what they're doing can be fun. 'C'mon! We can really rock this place!' she'll shout as she cranks up the sound system with some kickin' tunes (probably Level 42).
Empire magazine apparently isn't taking on any new film reviewers right now, or so they tell me. I bet if Steven Spielberg or Quentin Tarantino wrote to them asking to be film reviewers they'd employ them in a flash. Actually if Dr Stephen Hawking wrote in and asked to be on their staff they'd trample over each other to get him to sign a contract. Did they do that with me? No. Just be honest Empire, you can't handle my cutting edge film reviews and you know I'd make the rest of you're staff look like dullards, even with Dr Stephen Hawking and his theory about science.
And if they employed me they wouldn't have to put any ramps for wheel chairs in their buildings because I don't use a wheel chair like Hawking does. Quick question: Has Dr Stephen Hawking had any of his film reviews published by IMDb? Answer: No, he hasn't and I've had loads (except for the 'Erotic Witch Project 2: Book of Seduction' one)! In your face Hawking!
Now bearing in mind I've already pointed out this film's MAJOR flaw (that it stars Julia Roberts rather than Famke or Whoopi) I expect you're thinking; 'well, there's really no point in me watching this film' and you'd be right. Don't watch it.