"Stick around" (spoilers)

Rating: Null/10 (11 August 2006)

It's kind of hard to write an objective review of Predator. I mean, it's one of those childhood films that opened my eyes to the joys of bloodletting, swearing and rampant homoeroticism. But still, even in the glare of dewy-eyed nostalgia, it remains an excellent film.
The reason why Predator works so well is because it takes the effort to make the characters memorable. All too often these days in action films you can barely remember a single person. Just take the risible Alien Vs Predator. Not one person stands out. They're completely faceless. But in Predator you remember all of them  even Shane Black's character, who has about three lines, two of which are pussy jokes.
My favourite character has to be Mac. He's a cool bastard. He whispers every line, snaps a razor on his face as he's shaving, stabs a scorpion off Carl Weathers' back and goes completely mental ("I'm gonna have me some fun"). Plus he instigates the scene where the commandos destroy the jungle with machine guns and grenade launchers. Sure it's ridiculous (everyone fires non-stop for about half a minute, but Arnie only reloads once  plus Mac is firing with a min-gun!), but it's also a piece of wish-fulfilment. Wouldn't every red-blooded man like to do something so stupidly destructive? Plus I think McTiernan is well aware of the absurdity. He pushes the scene so far that he must have his tongue in his cheek. But on a Freudian level the scene's got to be about impotence. There you are with a huge gun in your hands, but you just can't do anything with it.
Speaking of Freud, I think Sigmund would have had a field day with all the cigar smoking. Rarely a moment goes by that Arnie doesn't have a large stoogie in his mouth. And then there's the revelation of Painless (the mini-gun). It emerges for a sack like a giant strap-on phallus. However, the most alarming moment is when Dutch and Dillon have an arm wrestle. The close-up of big, sweaty muscles would make even the straightest man question his sexuality. Oh, and then there's the scene where the commandos make an A-Team-style jungle trap to capture the Predator in. The scene is really just an excuse for muscle fetishism. Everywhere you look there are rippling arms and torsos. And I swear that Dillon is covered in baby oil (an essential for any soldier). Either that or it's just old-fashioned sweat. But either way, the scene achieves the desired effect: tent city!
Where the film also delivers is in the one-liners. "Stick around" is easily the best (Arnie's delivery is sublime), but I also love Blain telling Poncho that he hasn't got time to bleed. And then to elevate the scene even higher, Poncho fires a few grenades before saying, "You got time to duck?" The film is well aware of its own macho BS.
But I guess all the one-liners, character work and homoeroticism would be for nothing if Predator was an embarrassment. And looking at the initial designs on the DVD, this could well have been the case. But thankful the alien was redesigned and the creature works exceedingly well.
And the film also does an excellent job of building up the tension. The infrared shots are suitably odd and the effects work is decent enough. But what I like most are the little things like the first glimpse of the Predator hand (when he picks up the scorpion) and the self-surgery. They give you a glimpse of the creature without showing too much. And I also dig the way the Predator rips out Billy's skull with the spinal cord still attached. Cool.
Another Predator moment I like is when Dutch is face down in the mud after falling down a couple of waterfalls. For a couple of seconds he relaxes but then there's a big splash in the background  a splash that has seemingly come out of nowhere. It's a very simple way of reintroducing the film's threat, but it works terrifically well, as does the scene that follows where the Predator can't seen Dutch in the mud. McTiernan holds the moment for a long time and he never resorts to showing off  the moment doesn't need any visual pyrotechnics; it holds our attention entirely as it is.
What's impressive about the final section of the film is that it exists without hardly any dialogue. I guess in that way it's similar to the final section in Alien. And like Alien, the isolation works tremendously well  the main character seems tremendously vulnerable. However, seeing as this is an Arnie flick, the final confrontation is a little different to the one in Scott's film. Here creeping dread is exchanged for more muscles and inter-species fisticuffs. But although the fight could have been cringe-worthy, again it works fantastically well. And it works because, for once, you're not sure how Dutch is going to win this thing. I mean, with every other Arnie film, the outcome isn't in doubt. But here you never really expect Arnie to triumph  the Preadtor just seems so damn big. And yet again, credit must go to McTiernan. Aside from two Arnie quips, he keeps things remarkably straight. And he also uses the infrared to good affect  it makes everything seem more panicked. I guess the only thing I don't like in the fight is the Predator's "Eeek!" when the log falls on him. It's a little goofy.
But that one moment is easily forgivable. And it's refreshing that such a macho film ends with such a downbeat image  Dutch dejectedly sitting in the helicopter. However, the film tries to cheer you up by having a 'curtain call' of the characters at the end. And as cheesy as it is, it actually works  it leaves you with a big smile on your face.