Fun on first viewing, logic dulls the fun on the second.

Rating: Null/10 (6 December 2003)

"Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl" is weird and wonderful; funny and droll, but cannot stand up over repeated viewings.
(Well, it can, if you check your brain at the door before taking your seat.)
I mean, come on now! Six, count 'em, six writers, and hundreds of workers on the film and NO ONE pointed out that the main plot falls under the film's own rules? Should we not expect more from Disney and Bruckheimer? Oh. I forgot. Disney is adept at making lies into "popular fact"... such as their enduring lie that lemmings commit mass suicide (they pushed the little fellers off the cliff to their doom!) and teaches moms are expendable, a subtle misogyny, and more, to little kids in their animated films. (Not so subtle is the showing of a woman being hit by men... twice! Once by a large black man, enforcing nasty stereotypes, and then by the pirate captain.) Then there is Jerry Bruckheimer, well, his career has been uneven, at best. From "Con Air" and "Top Gun" to "Kangaroo Jack" and lots of television stuff, so perhaps we should expect non-thinking films from him.
So, don't examine the premise closely or it will unravel like an old knit sweater.
Before you holler about it being a kid movie, realize PG-13 is NOT a "kid movie" and Capt. Sparrows obsession with eunuchs (also see deleted scenes) is certainly NOT appropriate for the minds of 13 year old males, (who are embarking on a critical stage of sexual development with its attendant castration fears) let alone younger children. With the DVD release coinciding with the Yule season, a lot of youngsters will be getting this film, which is exactly as the marketers intended. Besides, 13 year olds are bright enough to question the film's violations of its own internal logic... even little kids are adept at pointing out movie inconsistencies these days. Taking it too seriously, you say? Well, watch the extras on the DVD, the makers took this film seriously, and obviously intended we would also.
**** *** ** Warning! Logic Ahead! ** *** ****
If Miss Swan's corset was so tight she could not breathe, and she fainted from it, then what reserve of air was in her lungs that she could survive the plunge to the depths and back up again?
Ol' funny eye screamed about being burned, but the cursed has no feeling as Captain Barbossa informs us.
How is it the cursed carried such wonderful fresh food aboard a ship when for a decade they have been unable to eat? Any food aboard makes no sense. Apples in the Caribbean in the 18th century? And how is it the blade plunged into Barbossa has blood on it when withdrawn?
If the cursed cannot "die" (and we repeatedly see them walk away after mortal wounds), then why is it that "William 'Bootstrap' Turner" - who was cursed by stealing the medallion - stayed dead upon being thrown to "Davy Jones' Locker"? The other medallions were on the Isle so don't say it was because he sent the medallion to his son. If the cursed pirates can walk the ocean depths, then why not ol' Bootstrap?
If Capn' Sparrow can immediately become a dead and cursed skeleton upon stealing the gold medallion, then why didn't Elizabeth when she stole that same medallion in the cavern? Or young Mr. Turner who also stole it. If it makes one immediately cursed, and dead, and the dead can't bleed, how came it to be that Will Turner could bleed and thereby release the curse?
Why is it blood was not required of every other piece of gold retrieved?
If Isle de la Muerta is only found by those already knowing its location, (and still a special compass is needed) then how did the Commodore's ship find it? There was a huge squall when Sparrow made way to the isle in the 'fastest ship in the fleet', so they could not have followed.
What is it with Depp's accent? It doesn't quite belong anywhere, and he acts as though he is blitzed or something throughout the whole film... (he marred "Chocolate", one of my favorite films, with his dreadful Irish accent!) if you look carefully, you can catch sight of some of his tattoos. I wonder how he felt making the little "France" joke, which obviously caters to the current American distaste for the country. (More blatant and foul in the deleted scene for it, with its allusions to eunuchs, the French, and mayonnaise.) Screenwriters should be careful in period films about modern allusions as they invoke stream of consciousness thoughts, causing the mind to wander from the film, possibly never to return. If the mind does not make the connection, then there is no point to the allusion. Screen writing Russian Roulette, guys.
For fun, you can even sneak a peek at Bloom's LOTR elvish tattoo on his right lower forearm. I suspect he will come to regret such obvious placement. (Elijah Wood was probably wise in getting his placed below the belt line.) Bloom is an up and coming actor and I look forward to seeing him in new roles.
And so on. At this writing, Disney is just releasing its second film based on one of its rides, "The Haunted Mansion" it seems to be getting little fanfare, so maybe the trend will stop. It is, of course, better than them ruining great old films by filming remakes.
On the plus side, Rush is impressive as usual, and if you let the film just wash over you it can be fun. At least the first time around.