Fear of a Black Pearl Planet

Rating: 7/10 (14 February 2004)

So many things could have gone wrong with this film. (And to hear tale from some of the commentary, many did). I mean c'mon...four writers create a script based upon a theme park ride? This could have all the charm of a film based on a video game like such classics as "Super Mario Brothers" and "Street Fighter."
Now to be fair I haven't seen either of those nor ever will, but neither had Johnny Depp at the helm. Much has been made about his swishbuckling here, but I dare anyone to see this and not keep his/her eye on the Sparrow. In the commentary, he and director Gore Verbinski talked about some of Depp's original ideas for the character...including a prosthetic nose. Hmmm, maybe that's where the Keith Richards' idea originated? To see the best use of a faux nose so far, see Vincent D'Onofrio in the excellent "Salton Sea."
But back to these high seas, high crime and high entertainment. Look the ride itself had to be made suitably accommodating to put a lot of different butts in seats, and so was this film. But think of all the other action/adventure blockbusters that simply went bust.
I recently saw "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" which despite Alan Moore's impetus wound up extremely ordinary. And we had to elect Schwarzenegger as governor just to prevent him from making any more films after "The Rise of the Machines."
So for the people who complain about the plot, to make such a popcorn movie, you have to traffic in larger-than-life myths that *need* to be familiar. Lover's need to be separated, one must promise her love to another to redeem her true love. Toss in an absent father (Bootstrap is about as dead as Luke Skywalker's dad was.) Allow there to be a chase and make sure the original chase is after the wrong goal or gal or gal's blood...and your on your way.
So the key here, like the ride itself is not in revolutionary twists along the way but an attention to detail as we are moved along. The pirates' code and parley, splendid spectral special effects, the tie-ins to scenes from the ride. Little bits of the dialog..."Robert's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt"..."Welcome to the Caribbean, love"..."Impersonating a cleric of the Church of England..."I want you to know that I was rooting for you mate"..."Cotton, he says you missed a spot." (As spoken by a mute man's parrot and translated by the first mate.)
This film is more than clever enough, and looks gorgeous, even on the small screen...though I and you imagined reader should have seen this on the big screen. The use of CGI was less "siege" and more "see." Verbinski largely forsook his first name and avoided egregious amounts of gore.
Yes it's as inflated as a Macy's Parade balloon, but its the smaller things that keep this afloat. I'll give it one stars for each of the seas, and hope we don't get half as many sequels...
7/10
By the way, the DVD I got from NetFlix was only IBM PC compatible for the bonus features. Not only Captain Barbossa is a fan of Apples, raise the flag for a MacIntosh Mutiny!