Sinks in its Own Contradictions

Rating: 4/10 (3 February 2004)

A BRIEF SUMMARY: Elizabeth Swann, the daughter of the new island governor, is traveling by ship with her father to their new home. The come upon a ship, ransacked and burned by pirates. Suddenly, Elizabeth spots an unconscious boy, Will Turner, in the water. When Will is brought onto the ship and laid upon the deck, Elizabeth spots a gold medallion around his neck. Fearing the authorities will arrest the boy as a pirate, Elizabeth steals the medallion. Years later, when Will and Elizabeth grow up, they share an adventure involving the medallion, an unearthly pirate crew and `the curse of the Black Pearl'. `All opinions are vanity ' including my own. Well, I guess I better prepare myself to be clobbered once again for trashing a movie `everybody loves'. `Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl' is most illogical movie I've seen since `Lost in Space'. `Lost in Space' at least had three shapely women in body-hugging space suits. PCCBP has Johnny Depp. Johnny has turned in some really good performances (`Edward Scissorhands,' `Ed Wood,' `Sleepy Hollow,' and, especially, `Don Juan DeMarco') but his loose, effete `Jack Sparrow' is more `Captain Morgan' than Captain Kidd. That is, the rum is doing most of the acting. WARNING: SPOILERS Well, let's see, all the crew of the Black Pearl except Jack Sparrow, BUT INCLUDING WILL'S FATHER, have been cursed for stealing Aztec gold. As part of their curse, food turns to ashes; and, while they cannot die, in the moonlight they are clearly rotting corpses. HELLO! If they cannot die, HOW COULD THEY KILL WILL'S FATHER? If they are really rotten corpses, WHY DIDN'T THEY DIE AS SOON AS THE CURSE WAS LIFTED? I can understand why Will wasn't cursed, BUT WHY WASN'T ELIZABETH? Oh, because she did it to save Will, THEN WHY WAS JACK SPARROW CURSED? Oh, because he was Captain of the Black Pearl; DO YOU REALLY THINK A CURSE WOULD BE SO SELECTIVE? I can understand why the Black Pearl crew became rotting corpses when they were cursed. They spent a period of time suffering from starvation and thirst, but WHY DID JACK IMMEDIATELY BECOME A ROTTING CORPSE? Oh yes, I've heard, `Forget the logic and enjoy the fun.' How much fun is there in an adventure movie where the only mortals you care about are so central to the plot you KNOW they cannot be killed? I enjoyed the production values, the music and the performances, but I never forgot this is a BAD pirate movie. If you really want to have fun watching a good pirate movie, see `The Crimson Pirate' or `Swashbuckler.' If you insist on seeing a bad pirate movie, see `Cutthroat Island'. At least it makes sense.