Depp and Knightley are fun to watch, but it's not the rousing adventure I was expecting.

Rating: Null/10 (15 August 2003)

Rating: ** out of ****
I saw the movie in the hoopla of all the hype, when most people I knew were proclaiming this one of the summer's best films. Not unexpectedly, I walked into this one with high expectations, hoping for perhaps another Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade or even The Mummy. Walking out of the theater a very long two-and-a-half hours later (actually, more like 2 hours 50 minutes, given the previews and the final scene after the credits) (this movie has way too many double crosses and false climaxes), I'm not even sure if this is better than The Mummy Returns.
Based off an amusement park theme ride, a lack of solid plot isn't a surprise. Orlando Bloom stars as Will Turner, a dashing blacksmith who's in madly in love with the beautiful Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley, a Natalie Portman look-a-like, except she's much prettier and appears to be a better actress). But when she's kidnapped by a group of ghostly pirates (led by Geoffrey Rush), Turner enlists the help of pirate Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), who appears a few cards short of a complete deck. Dark secrets are unearthed and it is revealed the undead pirates need to make a blood sacrifice to become human again.
It's not that Pirates' premise doesn't hold any potential, the movie does, after all, give us the prospect of an oceanbound adventure, the kind of movies you don't see too often. But Indiana Jones on water, this is not, for it lacks all of that trilogy's infectious sense of fun and thrilling ventures into the unknown (not to mention the smart dialogue and rousing John Williams' score). If not for Johnny Depp's performance and Keira Knightley's beauty and strong screen presence, Pirates might very well have lulled me into sleep.
The movie's biggest problem is its generic action sequences. Most of the swordfights are routine, directed without much flair or energy, and their bloodless presentation is just too juvenile-oriented for me. In fact, they all start to look the same after a while, so a little variety would have been appreciated. The film's one semi-creative fight, between Turner and Sparrow, is ineffective since you realize neither are in danger, and the climactic battle, pitting dozens of the undead pirates against the living, doesn't work since the fighting is done by characters I didn't give a damn about.
I like the actual concept of fighting undead pirates, but most of the villains are so goofy (especially the one keeps that fake eye), it's hard to see them as an actual menace. And when they are played for laughs, they're not very funny, either (how many times can we see an eye pop out before it stops being funny?). Also, making them former mates of Sparrow's sort of demystifies them (as if their goofy behavior didn't do so already).
As a pure adventure, Pirates is fraught with a lot of problems. It's repetitive, the characters keep going back and forth between the same islands and boats, sneaking in and out. The most successful adventures usually get the characters going from A to B to C, rather than A to C, then B, and then back to C, then B, and then back to C (and in this case, even back to A!). I got sick of seeing that island cavern over and over in ten minutes.
But Pirates is not without merit. Its singular savior is Johnny Depp, whose introductory scene is so hilarious, I was afraid I'd choke on my laughter. Sure, some of his scenes don't work so well (like when he tries to get those two guards to distract themselves), but he's more often a blast to watch than not, and most of the scenes he's in are pretty enjoyable. I also liked Keira Knightley (almost easily the movie's best piece of eye candy when you compare her good looks with some of the goofy visual effects), who displays genuine fire and feistiness even when she's mostly played as a damsel in distress. Both performers make the best of their parts, elevating the material quite significantly (if Depp and Knightley weren't present, the movie would have gone from middling to bad in a heartbeat).
Klaus Badelt's score sounds almost exactly like Hans Zimmer's work in The Rock given a period flavor. It's distracting, I spent too much time wondering in what ways Badelt would rip-off scores from Jerry Bruckheimer films. But at least it gave me an excuse to pay attention to something in-between th e scenes featuring Depp and Knightley.