Fun Pirate Saga!

Rating: Null/10 (3 August 2003)

Now, I'll admit I loved PIRATES, but it is not without faults, the greatest being, IT'S TOO LONG! Will SOMEBODY tell Jerry Bruckheimer that a feature film doesn't HAVE to be over two hours and fifteen minutes long? A half hour trimmed would have tightened the plot, kept the audience jumping at the climaxes (and not for the bathroom), and increased the revenue, as another showtime could be squeezed in each day.

That being said, there is a lot to like about the film. A truly good pirate movie MUST obey certain guidelines: a swashbuckling hero, an equally strong damsel, a truly dastardly villain, a great climactic duel, a romance, at least one major sea battle and city plundering scene, LOTS of pirate lore, and respect for the time frame of the film (NO lapses into 20th or 21st century jargon or technology, for the sake of plot or humor). Hollywood's last major pirate effort, CUTTHROAT ISLAND, had Gena Davis as a distaff hero, which was acceptable (Maureen O'Hara had played a swashbuckler in several 40s-50s films), and Frank Langella as the villain, which was inspired casting...but Matthew Modine was so wimpish a leading man that the romance between him and Davis looked ridiculous, and Davis evolved into a near caricature, to fill the void...and the film descended into present-day campiness, which was the kiss of death.

Director Gore Verbinski, and writers Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Stuart Beattie, and Jay Wolpert clearly did their homework for PIRATES, and admirably filled each pirate movie requirement. Two heroes swash their way through the film; Johnny Depp is the picturebook pirate, complete with outrageous attire, a braided beard, eye makeup, a drunken swagger, and the best damn' Keith Richards impersonation I've ever seen; Orlando Bloom is the heroic, Errol Flynn-like buccaneer, out to rescue his damsel, and full of lofty ideals. Eighteen-year-old Keira Knightley is the heroine, and while her acting skills are average, at best, she shows a lot of spunk (and cleavage), and positively glows, onscreen. The villain is another inspired piece of casting; Geoffrey Rush, while not as menacing as Frank Langella, has a ball as the snarling yet world-weary Pirate leader. As for the pirate crews (there are two), they are perfect; you have guys with hooks and peg legs, barbarians straight out of MOBY DICK, even a parrot and a monkey as sidekicks, all hankering for rum, riches, and victims to 'walk the plank'. That one crew is all cursed, and reveal themselves to be skeletal, decomposing corpses under the full moon only increases their nasty perfection!

The film borrows heavily from THE CRIMSON PIRATE, TREASURE ISLAND, SWASHBUCKLER, Universal Pictures' 40s B-movie pirate flicks, and even a few Hammer horror features of the early 60s, but it all fits together fairly seamlessly. Still, the excessive length would be a fatal flaw, were it not for Johnny Depp's physical and verbal presense. He is the glue that holds everything together, and he is VERY much up to the task! Whenever the film starts to drag, Depp has some bit of 'business' that is hilarious, and keeps things rolling.

I won't delve into the plot (cursed gold, kidnappings, a gallows scene...pretty standard pirate stuff), but I will say that you could do a LOT worse than PIRATES in this season of overblown sequels and underwhelming originals.

Go to the bathroom before you go to the theater, and ENJOY!