Disney Drops Anchor, But Not The Ball!

Rating: 8/10 (26 February 2006)

Though we were too late to get tickets for it, my partner and I had the good fortune (and timing) to be in Anaheim when the world premiere for PIRATES was taking place. It was his umpteenth time at Disneyland, my very first, (at age 43, yet!!!) For him, it was a revelation about seeing the Magic Kingdom through adult eyes vs. the awestruck vision of a young teenager. Even more so for me, since coming to the Magic Kingdom had been virtually all I dreamed about after seeing it so many times on "The Wonderful World of Disney." Needless to say, though I pretty much enjoyed myself there, a lot of the more kid-friendly attractions simply left me cold, or at the very most, lukewarm. At the top of the list of things that left me less-than-impressed? Pirates-of-the-Caribbean: The Ride.
The goofy joy tempered with thrills and chills that I remember, seeing the ride on a show about Disneyland itself (which has been thoughtfully included on the POTC DVD extras) was totally dissipated by a sense of ghastly horror...horror at the fact that the ride hadn't changed in nearly twenty years!!! You could even see the places on some of the animatronic figures where they had simply been patched up with spit, chewing gum and chicken wire! Even after seeing the previews, which were exciting in that bombastic Jerry Bruckheimer-way, I remember thinking as I got off the ride, "Ohmigod. Disney is gonna lose their shirts on this one."
A big budget feature based on a dilapidated theme park attraction, set in a genre that had been considered dead since that disaster known as CUTTHROAT ISLAND? What chance could Disney have of possibly turning this sow's ear into a silk purse loaded with gold doubloons? Not a single one. But miracle of miracles, they pulled it off!!!
Every so often, Hollywood puts together a project guaranteed to be an absolute disaster. The director is anything but a veteran, the leading man is way too quirky, unpredictable or just plain difficult, the script comes from writers who are hit-and-miss at best, and the producers are known for their plot-free, bloated behemoths of sunscreen-weather blockbusters. The end result? Like a Rube Goldberg contraption, the damn thing may actually work, but that doesn't mean it will do anything or go anywhere.
Yet, with Gore Verbinski (THE RING, MOUSE HUNT) at the helm, Jerry Bruckheimer (BAD BOYS 2, ENEMY OF THE STATE) producing, a script by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio (GODZILLA) and the inscrutable Johnny Depp in the lead, PIRATES takes the disgraced and abandoned niche of pirate movies and brings it back to life with a bang and a "yo ho ho!" in a way not seen since the days of the original TREASURE ISLAND or CAPTAIN BLOOD.
Not only that, but the film still manages to give plenty of 'nudge-wink' references to the ride upon which it is based, while still entertaining you in a wildly reckless and gleeful way that all but obliterates the memory of the original experience from your senses. Should they ever redesign and revamp the ride, they now have the blueprint for it.
And speaking of blueprints, I'm astonished at myself for actually looking forward to the sequel, (and that's even without the famously rumored appearance of the Stones' Keith Richard as Jack Sparrow's miserable excuse for a father.) Bringing back the fresh, naive heroism of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, who could use a solid hit right about now), the feisty sexiness of Elizabeth Turner (Keira Knightley, who has become famous for that very quality in her heroines) and the murderously jovial sensibility of Geoffrey Rush's scenery-chewing Captain Barbossa is the smartest move the filmmakers could've made.
Let's just hope that for this series, PIRATES 2 is more like THE GODFATHER 2, and not SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL.