The pirate life for me? No, thank you!

Rating: Null/10 (10 August 2003)

It's ultimately very romantic to be a pirate, it appears... Or so dear Keira, oops, Elizabeth, would like us to believe. She read a lot of books about it. And she can kick everyone's butt too, even though she wears the painful corsets from time to time. Actually her dialogs and behavior reminded me of another sea-located movie's heroine. Which was just as improbable and illogical as this one. Every minute Keira was on screen, i was afraid she'd burst out into another Freud discussion. Thankfully, she didn't, and, i guess, Gore Verbinsky thinks now we should be grateful at least for this.
OK, OK, Gore. We've got it. Thank you.
As for her acting - did anyone notice that in her previous movie, Bend It Like Beckham, the critics praised mostly her co-star and the actual heroine Parminder Nagra? Didn't it ring the bell of warning to no one? And look who's now hot in Hollywood! The irony of being blond... Apparently it's not all that tough as Reese Witherspoon would like us to believe.
The same goes for Orlando Bloom. Don't get me wrong. He's cute. He knows how to move in the frame. He knows sword fighting and he knows to shoot arrows and wear a blond wig and pointy ears gracefully (not exactly in the same movie, but you've got the point ;)). He may be the most intelligent and thoughtful human being on Earth, i don't know him personally. But his talents ON THE SCREEN are unfortunately restricted to the ones mentioned above. He's given his share of pretty amusing lines and he fails to deliver them to amuse the audience, except for his fans (who were absent from my screening). With his each new movie the directors try to find the acting talent beneath his clothes, so he becomes less and less... erh... burdened with costume detailes (check the set pictures from Troy). Maybe they've become pretty desperate. The next time they'll try to look behind his Troyan skirt, i guess. I won't mind, surely ;).
The less said about the poor Governor and Commandor - the better. The same can be said for the rest of the cast with 2 exceptions, the special effects, which left me totally unimpressed (though one good point - they didn't overshadow the movie, but, alas, there was not that much to overshadow). The direction and cinematography were decent, but nothing worth crowing about. The fights were OK, i guess, with some actually funny moments (the forks were priceless). Though some showdowns were staged simply for the sake of staging (like the duel between Sparrow and Turner with the tagline "let's try to do this shtick, sounds impressing").
But the main problem of the movie is that it simply overstayed its welcome. At least half an hour could've been left in the editing room with a couple of the unnecessary turns (not twists, just turns, back and forth, like a dog after its own tale). And the ending... OK, i'd better stop right now. Oh, mine...
But to the only 2 BIG (though not big enough) pluses: Depp and Rush. They were great. Simply put - great. But, considering their reputation and the previous work, it didn't surprised me. I only wished they were given more screen time. The rare actors which, while having a ball with the camp they have to be in, can share their fun with the audience. And make this camp way more deserving than it has any right to be.
Ultimately The Pirates isn't a really bad movie, mostly because of those two wonderful talents mentioned above, just not a particularly good one.
And this summer, as i see, we don't have much choice. It's a pity we don't deserve better. And the thought "Come on, it could've been worse!" doesn't help. IMHO, of course...