"Welcome to the Caribbean!"

Rating: 10/10 (12 July 2003)

And the award for yummiest summertime (or any other time) movie pairing goes to Pirates of the Caribbean... Thank God for manipulating the Hollywood heavens into that delicious Johnny Depp-Orlando Bloom star alignment. I bow to whomever dreamt up such a wonderful casting concept. It only took half a summer for the unveiling of the most jaw-droppingly delightful cinematic fetish duo since Brad Pitt and George Clooney in Ocean's Eleven. The hotness of this film rivals the July heat, with a man-sweaty humidity to make it all the hotter.
In addition to my initial raging female hormone-induced reaction, I felt the adrenaline level become equally high. The high seas action/adventure doesn't get any more fun, thrilling or chilling than this... at least not in the PG-13 category... scratch that, it is awesome for any category. Sword fights and cannon blasts and walking talking skeletons oh my! The plot was more existent than that of Charlie's Angels and more realistic (ironically), which is a nice change from the general summer offerings. As usual, Bruckheimer spared no expense in transporting his actors and audience into the era of the pirate-run Caribbean. Cute references to the Disney ride and goofy, surly, yet sexy quips from good ol' Johnny top off the whole experience with sardonic spice.

Two things come to mind upon leaving the theatre: How hot the boys are (duh) and the Freudian desire to BE Jack Sparrow. I want long black hair and dreads with beads and charms hangin' on 'em. I want a blade and a pistol, big leather boots, dark waterproof eyeliner, and a trident hat that's seen one too many battles and trips to Tortuga. I want to swing from ropes and climb on fallen masts, I want to sing YO HO! YO HO! and drink bottles upon bottles of rum on the beach of a deserted island. Unfortunately, in my case, all this would entail some major costuming, props and sex-change surgery.
I should probably just buy the video game ;)
This exciting and fresh foray into the classic cult pirate genre garners nine out of ten stars... savvy?