Massively overrated

Rating: 3/10 (12 October 2016)

Generally I dislike pirate movies, especially Hollywood ones. In fact the majority of historical adventures made after the '60s aren't usually worth watching. But this film caused a big fuss in the cinema, everybody applauded Johnny Depp's performance, and it even featured cursed pirates who turn into skeletons in the moonlight. Sounded a bit like JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS. So I watched it. I guess I should have been forewarned, knowing this was a Disney movie, but I went ahead with best intentions hoping to enjoy the whole thing.
Unfortunately, I didn't. This film is a mess. From the moment you first see Johnny Depp you realise what a misfire this is, a popcorn, brainless piece of trash specially geared towards teenage girls. It's a film where the female audience watches only because the "hunky" Orlando Bloom is in it. Sorry, girls; although he's pretty (although far too feminine) he can't act for peanuts. I want to see this guy get his teeth into some real material, like when Brad Pitt tore people's throats out in KALIFORNIA. Maybe then I'll respect him. For now he's just a wooden statue, torn loose after his part in LORD OF THE RINGS and already becoming typecast as a handsome but empty action vessel.
Nothing wrong with the scenery or the special effects though. The skeleton pirates are great CGI creations but appear far too little. Plus this is a two hour film where nothing happens to further the slim plot for an hour or so. Try hard to stifle the yawns. The story is non-existent, the dialogue atrocious and even worse, clichéd. It's all so predictable these days. The film is played as a comedy, but the jokes are lame and tired. In fact I hated them. The only mildly amusing thing is Mackenzie Crook's wooden eye. As for the action, it sucks. One of the first things you see is Depp sliding down a rope, that was tired when Kevin Costner did it back in WATERWORLD, now its just sad. The sword fight between Depp and Bloom is pathetic, no excitement or skill whatsoever. The action at the finale is also particularly bad and unappealing, with a bunch of characters you want to see die, a load of stupid sets, and more rubbish acting than you can shake a stick at.
Depp is atrocious – how desperately did he need the money for this one? Usually Depp makes great choices in some great films. I loved him in FROM HELL and ED WOOD. Here, he acts so over-the-top and stoned all the time, it quickly becomes boring. This isn't acting, it's over-acting, and a disgraceful performance. You're not funny, Depp, so move your backside and make some good films again. Supposedly 'hot' Keira Knightley is also bland, looking like a million other young girls, pretty but nothing to distinguish her. As for the good actors: Jack Davenport and Jonathan Pryce are given absolutely NOTHING to work with, just standing around and looking good. Geoffrey Rush is also uninvolving as the chief villain, who does nothing very villainous, doesn't even kill anybody I don't think. Rush is poor here. Go back to making proper films! Definitely worth a miss, this one. Total rubbish from beginning to end with only a few good special effects to make it even a little worthwhile. Don't see it. Unless you're a teenage girl. With a crush on a made-up Johnny Depp. And Orlando Sodding Bloom.