Yo-ho-ho and a barrel of passable entertainment.

Rating: Null/10 (3 January 2004)

"Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" is certainly better than the last Disney movie based on a theme park attraction ("The Country Bears") and one of Jerry Bruckheimer's more endurable productions - but it never really catches fire, much as director Gore Verbinski's "MouseHunt" and "The Mexican" ultimately didn't cut it either. Although the movie doesn't even wait for the Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Films logos in its rush to get started (they're relegated to the very end of the movie), there's not much real excitement to be had.
Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush make it worthwhile as rival pirates Sparrow and Barbossa; both put so much relish in the licences to ham it up that are their roles that they fully deserve their billing and more - Depp in particular is a blast from the time we see him arrive at port on a sinking boat, and is fully in the spirit, giving the movie an energy it could use more of. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley ensure that both sexes have somebody to lust after during the two and a half hours (and both do okay in the performances, with Keira's character at least not a wimp), and the movie's certainly never dull - and unlike some other Bruckheimer efforts, never deafening - but somehow despite such a scope it doesn't take off.
I blame those scurvy knaves Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who have a knack for writing movies that promise a lot and never truly deliver (admittedly they worked on "The Mask Of Zorro" and "Aladdin," but they also have "Small Soldiers," "The Road to El Dorado" and the 1998 "Godzilla" on their resume); "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" throws in ghosts, battles on the high seas, narrow escapes and swordfights, but because the movie keeps veering between an all-out adventure and... let's face it... panto, it never settles down; when you see a ship crewed by skeletons and the first thing that comes to mind is Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, it's hard not to think you're taking the movie even less seriously than the makers want you to.
The score doesn't help either - many fans weren't pleased when Alan Silvestri was replaced on the project by Klaus Badelt and a whole band of other Media Ventures composers, and the resulting Hans Zimmer-soundalike doesn't help proceedings. This is a pretty good time-passer, and the work of Industrial Light and Magic, Captive Audience Productions, Digiscope, Boy Wonder etc can't be faulted (and it's nice to see that there's still a place for miniatures in these CGI days), but "Sinbad: Legend Of The Seven Seas" made much less money and was much more fun. And it had better music. I'll stick with "Armageddon," which has Liv Tyler and is therefore instantly preferable to this one, Keira Knightley notwithstanding.
All that said, the scene after the end credits should NOT be missed.