More Tedium Than Treasure

Rating: 5/10 (14 June 2011)

The fourth installment in Walt Disney's profitable "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" succeeds admirably in delivering less than the previous entries. Clocking in at 136 minutes, this "Pirates" sequel ends eight minutes shy of the original "Curse of the Black Pearl" which lasted 143 minutes. Further, "On Stranger Tides" runs about a quarter of an hour shorter than the first "Pirates" sequel "Dead Man's Chest." Comparably, "On Stranger Tides" is 30 minutes shorter than the bloated third installment: "At World's End" which wore out its welcome at 169 minutes. Alas, brevity doesn't salvage this shipwreck. Oscar-nominated "Chicago" director Robert Marshall and perennial "Pirates" scribes Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio blew a $250 million budget but what they've forged is largely forgettable. Indeed, the dire lack of imagination on the part of Elliot and Rossio, Marshall's second-rate choreography, and the overall shortage of spectacle sink this saga. Although it proceeded with their respective blessings, neither Keira Knightley nor Orlando Bloom reprised their roles as Elizabeth Swan and William Turner. They knew when to say enough.
Basically, "On Stranger Tides" navigates tamer tides. Elliot and Rossio introduce two new characters, the infamous Blackbeard (Ian McShane of HBO's "Deadwood") and his plucky daughter Angelica Malon (Penélope Cruz of "Vanilla Sky"), and they serve primarily as villains who propel the plot. People who love the "Pirates" franchise may spot some familiar faces, including Geoffrey Rush as Captain Hector Barbossa, Kevin McNally as Mr. Gibbs, Damian O'Hare as Gillette, Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow's father Captain Teague, and Greg Ellis as Lieutenant Theodore Groves. Familiar faces, two fresh characters, and a different plot don't save this scurvy saga. "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" amounts to a paycheck movie. Disney and producer Jerry Bruckheimer have done little more than flog a franchise to see how much longer they could drag things out. Little about this third sequel, including Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow, is entertaining. The mermaids are the only redeeming feature, but they cannot compare with the zombie sailors that trod the ocean floor in the original "Pirates." The race for the Fountain of Youth that motivates Blackbeard, King George, and the Spanish doesn't compensate for the clichés in Elliot and Rossio's briny script.
The action weighs anchor when Spanish fishermen net a geezer who knows something about Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth. This opening gambit in Cadiz, Spain, generates minimal anticipation. The next scene in London, England, ratchets things up as Captain Jack rescues one of his crew, first-mate Mr. Gibbs, from a hanging. Everybody thinks poor Gibbs (Kevin McNally of "Valkyrie") is Captain Jack, and they are dying to see his neck stretched. Improbably, Sparrow cavorts about in a powdered wig and impersonates a British judge to get Gibbs off the hook. Of course, Jack and he don't get far before the authorities nab them. Jack is hustled off to see King George (Richard Griffiths of "Gandhi") and the monarch wants him to lead an expedition so that the British to beat the Spanish to the Fountain of Youth. Jack escapes from George's clutches. Jumping from a high window, our hero lands on a moving carriage, slips inside long enough to nibble a noble woman's ear (Judi Dench in a cameo), and steal her ear-ring. Bounding back atop the vehicle, he staggers and finds himself straddling two carriages as each careens along a thronged thoroughfare. Considering director Rob Marshall's award-winning background as a choreographer, nothing Jack does in this frenzied scene qualifies as either nimble or new.
Predictably, Captain Jack scrambles from one scrap to another. All this leaping and lunging creates neither hysteria nor humor. At one point, Elliot and Rossio have Jack fencing with himself in a spin on the famous Marx Brother's "Duck Soup" (1933) mirror pantomime as Jack encounters his leading lady. As an introduction to Angelica, who masquerades as Jack, these sword fighting antics mark a slight improvement, but nothing compared to the original "Pirates" when Jack sparred with William Turner. Naturally, Jack is searching for a ship and a crew. Fortuitously, Jack's dear old dad, Captain Teague (Keith Richards in a cameo), thwarts a lone British soldier from shooting him in the back. Eventually, Jack sets sail against his will with Blackbeard and company aboard the 'Queen Anne's Revenge,' where Jack discovers that his old ship 'The Black Pearl' has been shrunk to fit in a bottle. You see, Blackbeard practices Voodoo. Meanwhile, Jack's treacherous nemesis, Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush of "The King's Speech"), plies the seas in pursuit, but cares nothing for the Fountain of Youth. Specifically, Barbossa wants to exact revenge on Blackbeard for taking not only 'The Black Pearl' but also his leg. Like most hidden treasure quests, "On Stranger Tides" sends the heroes and villains off on a scavenger hunt. One of the items is a mermaid's tear. The scene where Blackbeard's sailors fish for mermaids is the most original splash that this soggy yarn offers. Believe me; you've never seen mermaids like this lot. Marshall and his writers confine the action largely to terra firma with our heroes and villains plunging through jungles and caves. As Captain Jack, Johnny Depp wears his eye-liner as thick as always and flails about like a drunkard struggling to maintain his equilibrium. Sadly, Depp adds little depth to his mischievous miscreant that we haven't seen before. Ian McShane looks every inch the part of Blackbeard, but he rarely gets a chance to chew the scenery. Hans Zimmer's exhilarating orchestral score from the original imparts greater momentum than anything that either Marshall or his scenarists conjure up for this third sequel. A romantic subplot between a missionary (newcomer Sam Claflin) and a mermaid (Astrid Bergès-Frisbey) gets lost in this PG-13 shuffle.
Altogether, "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides" runs the franchise aground on a reef of déjà vu.