Not Enough Charm to Cover How Boring It is

Rating: 5/10 (22 July 2018)

It took me 3 tries to sit through it. At one point I threw an empty bottle across the room when I saw that I still had 55 minutes left in it.
Johnny Depp's shtick is wearing thin. I can't not see Tommy Wiseau all over Johnny Depp's continually sloppier and slurrier Jack Sparrow.
The romances were just... bad. Like these might work in a different setting or story but not in this one.
I saw everything in the plot coming about 20-40 minutes early.
Like, this movie was even too boring to be background nonsense while I played Roller Coaster Tycoon on my phone and ate mini donuts.
One of the biggest issues is how Jack Sparrow has just the most insane plot armour. Nothing hurts him. Not jumping off a cliff. Not jumping off a tower. Not any of that ridiculous chase scene. Not any of the moronic escape scene.
It was endearing when like some minor level of absurd hijinks worked in his favour, but its too many bananas when Jack is Assassin's Creed-ing across the landscape where every action creates a cascade of other actions that perfectly create the exact calamity and circumstances for the wacky outcome to happen flawlessly. And then to follow it with a joke thats basically Jim Halpert staring into the camera.
Sometimes the human kickstarted rube goldberg machine is fun. But not in almost every chase/escape/action sequence. Less is more. Ant-Man doesn't have Michael Pena doing his story telling gag 2, 3, 5, 69 times a film.
Sword fights are cool.