"Stranger certainly describes it"

Rating: Null/10 (14 October 2011)

"Stranger" certainly describes it, this being the latest outing of the swashbuckling adventures of the nefarious Captain Jack Sparrow (played for the umpteenth time by Johnny Depp). Four years ago, this overblown franchise thankfully ended on a horrid note. Now, Jerry Bruckheimer (Disney's favorite producer) returned to give us another epic debacle about seafaring pirates in a fantastical misadventure. Between the last film and this current one, a few good things have happened: 1. Bloom and Knightley's absence is hardly missed, and the film ran better without their melodrama. 2. The 'tour de force' was toned down. Quite a bit. In fact, On Stranger Tides is even lackluster; tepid at best.
The story kicks off in an undisclosed year where Jack Sparrow is rescuing Joshamee Gibbs in London from the gallows. We get an homage to Indiana-Jones style action and then the film arrives promptly to the premise: Sparrow must sail to the Fountain of Youth...which he may or may not have seen before (we can't really imply anything because it's too damn vague). After meeting up with an ex-lover named Angelica (played like a James Bond girl by Penelope Cruz), the two embark on the quest, in league with Spaniards, the British (lead by the converted Commodore Barbossa), and the evil, diabolical, motorcycle-junkie Blackbeard. Unfortunately, there's nothing more to describe about the plot, unless you find interesting a melodramatic subplot involving a soulless preacher and a shallow mermaid. And that's really all the movie is, sorry to say. For a painstaking 137 minutes, I was subjected to Hollywood "movie playtime" with these three groups (Spaniards, Brits, and Pirates) interchanging in sword fights, testing their fate, and other maritime conundrums. And sadly, the ensemble cast has nothing new to offer. While Depp and Rush continue to perform impeccably in their longstanding characters (from 2003), it's the plot in which they're pitted that ultimately creates their cinematic downfall. What of the rest? Cruz, who yields some surprising chemistry with Depp, is also downtrodden by her looming offscreen pregnancy (LITERALLY offscreen. The filmmakers had to use body doubles in some shots). I'm sure Ian McShane on the other hand is just happy to get his paycheck so long as he assumes that "bad guy" attitude in what I believe is the blandest pirate ever to sail the shallow seas.
Characterization aside, the film did boast some impressive cinematography (albeit, a few aerial shots were stolen from George of the Jungle)--but it's nonetheless superior to all of that CGI bullshit we saw from the last two films. (Scratch that, CGI and water).
Overall, On Stranger Tides is a popcorn flick hailing tired, A-list stars and ecstatic producers. It's definitely a finer film than the last two outings--still pending two lawsuits for ripping off Lord of the Rings--and if you're looking for mindless movie madness to accompany that voracious popcorn munching, look no further. Or, you can always board the Disneyland ride (or youtube it) and get the same experience in under two hours. THAT cannot be bargained with