Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Inside

Rating: 5/10 (12 September 2017)

Oh boy! Where to start...
It comes to something when you realise that the best and most lively (and therefore worthwhile watching) acting comes from the people portraying the dead in this movie.
Without exception, everyone else (and especially Depp) just give low effort that makes you wonder if they really wanted to be there. Whether that is the actors or the director's fault is not readily apparent, but what is apparent is that it is lacking. Severely.
Dead Men Tell No Tales is shell of a movie, put together from parts that the writers think will be great, but without taking any time to think if they should be there at all. Thus, we get bloated action sequences that attempt to one-up the previous Pirates movies, but which suffer from the same deplorable "Too much of a good thing" that now plagues the Fast and Furious franchise.
It isn't as bad as the previous outing but it shows that it is struggling. Javier Bardem tries his best as the villain of the piece and, as I mentioned, being one of the "dead" characters in the movie, stands out from the rest by virtue of that fact. But the others...
I'm also unsure if Orlando Bloom just didn't want to be in this movie. Was he strong-armed contractually into what is little more than a cameo role along with Keira Knightley, or did the writers think that leaving those two characters out and bringing in two almost identical replacements would be a good idea? Will the new pair replace them in future outings? Are Bloom and Knightley just done with the franchise? Is this the Pirates equivalent of Star Trek The Next Generation?
If so, then swapping out two of the old characters for near identical replacements and making up some hokum to tie them into the story is a real slap in the face to the franchise's fans. Hey everyone! We heard you like a young couple in your Pirates film, so we put a young couple in to replace the young couple we used to have that grew old and demanded too much money/couldn't be bothered anymore/saw how bad the movies were becoming. Enjoy!
It is all rather cynical and obvious. They should have stopped after the third film and just left it as it was. But no, they churned out a fourth (awful) movie, and now a fifth. But don't despair! The end credits not-so subtly promise a sixth outing, so maybe that will be good...right? Right?
Okay, enough disappointment! I'm off to watch The Dark Tower next! That'll be a big improvement, right? Right?
SUMMARY: Tired rehash that has tired actors tiredly rehashing their tired characters. Tired plot. Tired story and tired action. Just tired everything, really. Only watch if you are really, desperately, tired.