Nor do they tell particularly interesting stories

Rating: 4/10 (25 May 2017)

The history of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is something of a tumultuous one. The first movie, The Curse of the Black Pearl, was released to mostly critical acclaim and was pretty popular with audiences. Not only that, it gave Johnny Depp the role he would be associated with for years to come – which has, in a way, defined him over the last fifteen years or so. It was quickly followed up by Dead Man's Chest, and At World's End showed up not long after. By the time the fourth film, On Stranger Tides, was announced, the talk had swung from excitement to disdain. However, the franchise has continued to make money, so now we have Dead Men Tell No Tales.
This is an attempt to recapture the magic of The Curse of the Black Pearl, and while it's fun for the first hour or so, it ultimately doesn't work. Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) has found himself in trouble again, and must team up with Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), and Carina Smith (Kaya Scodelario), an astrologist and horologist who, due to her intelligence, is deemed to be a witch.
All three are trying to find the Trident of Poseidon for their own reasons. Henry believes it will free his father from his curse (apparently something happened to Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) in one of the previous movies that has him cursed and trapped aboard the Flying Dutchman), while Corrina believes searching for the Trident by reading "the map no man can read" ("Well, it's a good thing I'm a woman, then!) will lead her to discover who her father is. As for Jack, he's just looking to become a true captain again, and also to escape from the peril he's constantly in.
This time, that peril comes in the form of Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) and his crew, all of whom are dead. They blame Jack for their current condition, and seek revenge. But in order to find Jack, Salazar must form an accord with Barbossa (Geoffery Rush). And so, a high speed chase ensues with the Trident of Poseidon being the ultimate prize.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales starts out as a fun and entertaining movie. Johnny Depp is in his element as Captain Jack Sparrow, and the hijinks he gets up to trying to escape the island of St. Martin are exactly the kind of thing we've come to expect from the character. Most of them stretch plausibility, but if Jack can constantly survive the high seas, a collapsing bridge and runaway bank are just a regular day for him. Some of these situations are more than he can handle on his own, but luck always arrives in the nick of time for Captain Jack Sparrow. He's the drawcard to these movies, and the only person guaranteed to survive them – it would be bad business for Disney to kill him off, and even if they did, the Pirates franchise will always have ways to resurrect the dead. So while that removes any of the tension as far as Jack's concerned, it gives him a few more enemies and creates the movie's silliest and funniest moments involving a bouncing guillotine.
As for our two new heroes, neither of them really do anything to stand out. When the CinemaSins video for this movie comes out, they are going to deservedly be referred to as "Discount Orlando Bloom" and "Discount Keira Knightley", and their story plays out exactly as you think it's going to.
It actually speaks to a bigger problem Hollywood is facing these days. If you make a movie set pretty much anywhere in history, chances are you're going to come up against a culture that oppressed women. To accurately reflect that, you have to either literally show women who are being oppressed, or have men make rude and sexist comments about women. Dead Men Tell No Tales certainly opts for the latter, taking it a step further by suggesting Carina is a witch simply because she's intelligent enough to make maps from the stars. But if you don't have a strong female protagonist somewhere in your story, you alienate a lot of your potential audience. That leaves Carina as the archetypical "strong, independent woman who stands up for herself", and there's nothing (Scodelario) can do with that that hasn't been done over and over again.
But that's not the biggest problem with this movie. The second half of this thing drags on and on. It's so slow to get anywhere or do anything interesting, it might as well be the first 95% of Power Rangers. Deals and alliances are made all over the place, and at one point you might think the ultimate objective at the end of all this will be to survive the next Tribal Council. Even when the map no man can read has been read (because of course it will be) and the Trident is found (because of course it will be), the battles lack any real danger or excitement, and the various deals and plot twists make it hard to know – or care – who to root for.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales is a fun ride for the most part, but it's utterly predictable, does nothing interesting with any of its characters (though it does try with someone, but saying who might leave enough clues to be considered a spoiler), and drags the story out for the apparent sake of ensuring there'll be more movies in the franchise. It's a great movie for turning your brain off and shoving popcorn in your mouth, but nothing more.