Dead Men Tell Better Tales (than this)

Rating: 3/10 (6 September 2017)

"Dead Men Tell No Tales" or "Salazar's Revenge" is a recent attempt by Disney to keep a franchise afloat with a billion dollars. Unfortunately it turned out rather boring, and failed as an adventure, revenge-story and as a "Pirates of the Caribbean-movie."
This film is shorter and has a faster pace than its predecessors yet still feels compelled to inject needless characters and subplots where none is needed. The plot revolves around a maguffin with magical powers (the Trident of Poseidon) that multiple people are itching to get their hands on as well as a revenge-story involving a decayed Javier Bardem as Captain Salazar and the target of his revenge: Jack Sparrow. These two story threads connects to each other conveniently rather than organically and with a rattling pace and lackluster script filled with superflous characters, the film fails to achieve most of it's admittedly low potential. Skip the silly backstory with Jack trapping Salazar in some hell hole and get cracking with the Trident-plot instead and focus on Jack's growing irrelevance, age and uselessness as a main character arc.
Now, it ain't necessarily a complete waste of time. There are still scenes in here that will bring smiles to the lips of the less cynical portion of the fan base. One involves a guillotine, another the robbery of a bank and another dead sharks chasing after Jack. These scenes works well because of their slapstick tone, just like these movies used to. The original off course managed--on top of the slapstick--to create an exciting adventure with real dangers for our main characters. The sequels--to varying degrees-- lost the sense of adventure and stakes (sometimes both) but still contained tons of funny slapstick sequences, juicy dialogue and hammy acting you could lose yourself in, something this sequel is in short supply on.
Much of this doesn't really matter though, what really matters is its most glaring flaw: Sparrow and Depp themselves. Now it is true that Jack not acting and "feeling" like he used to is established from a Watsonian perspective: He's older, doesn't have his Pearl and has generally lost his luck at piracy. One certainly senses this self-reflexive take on the character, but the directors are too lazy or dumb to make anything of it. Here's the thing: Jack Sparrow was always a very specific type of character commonly seen in adventure and action-flicks. People loved to watch Jack outwit foes, flail around, escape captors and generally do and say silly stuff while one's in awhile and very far between do something "human." He functions as a character in much the same way that characters like Indiana Jones, John McClane or the "Man with No Name" function. They don't strike anyone as actually fleshed out human beings with believable psychology or belonging in the context of a "real world". They're fantasy characters here to mash on very specific emotions in the audience. And so this film makes Jack out to be in a bit of a funk, not quite functioning anymore. The idea itself is a good one (exemplified in two fine scenes; one in which Jack's crew abandons him and another one where we find out that the bounty on Jack has steadily decreased). It was time to show some weariness in this 15 years old character. In doing so however the creators needed to provide Jack with a clear arc and towards its conclusion either have him reclaim some of that former glory that made audiences love the character in the first place, or affirm in some meaningful way that the magic of Witty Jack from bygone years can never truly be re-achieved (the former is better for box office revenues and the future of the franchise but also really hard to pull off, the latter is better if you want to do something more intellectually defensible and bold). Safe to say, nothing like that happens here and so Depp--and by extension Sparrow--remains bored throughout, never reaches any of his previously established comedic or theatrical heights and ultimately lacks a meaningful resolution.
----In short: If Sparrow ain't a sparrow no more, then why not give us a new bird to marvel at? Maroon Bored Jack on an island, give him a pistol with one shot (or just shoot him) and leave him behind. Take your worm infested ship to nearest shore, repair, set sails, hoist the colors and let the wind carry you to new and unfamiliar adventures instead----