Turn away and hoist The Sails: Dead Plots Tell Poor Tales.

Rating: 6/10 (23 June 2017)

Once I saw Bardem in a trailer, I knew it would be cheesier than Fondue. Most any movie can give itself away almost entirely with just a 30 second clip before release. And any veteran movie goer can gauge a stinker ahead of time. But family movie day is not to be sacrificed to personal enjoyment, so the show went on. The acting of Bardem, trying to be a scary undead ethereal pirate hunter was about as scary as Time Curry in It. I wasn't amused.
The Pirates 'del Caribbe' franchise has been milking the public for almost 15 years, and there is so little to inspire since the 3rd movie ,which is where it all should have ended, that I have to take a spit upon the direction the last two films have gone.
Not only are pirates one of the top lucrative old world professions that people of all ages gush over ( including ninjas and gunslingers) but with a huge library of myths to call upon encompassing magical curses, enchantments and blessing endowed by the gods themselves, I wonder why more wasn't done..
There's so much tip toeing about the effect that ancient beings of power had upon the world of men, especially on the high seas, that there should be no lack of possibilities to throw in peoples faces, without seeming repetitive. Nothing in film has so failed to bring it after dangling a carrot of supernatural goodness in front of me as the Caribbean film series.
Oh yes heres Depp as a drunk Jack Sparrow again, very familiar but either the man was actually drinking on set, or he really thought slurring all his words for the first hour would be enjoyable to people. He was difficult to understand and likely was actually imbibing alcohol in between scenes. Its no method anymore, this is the 5th film, its clichéd. Then there's Bardems portrayal of an endlessly suffering burning pitch of rage and smoke that was nauseating to witness. Adding his already heavy accent, his character had a mouth full of nonstop dripping black ectoplasm that made listening to him nigh impossible. Like baseball player with a chew addiction on roids with no outlet.
The premise is so unoriginal by this point with two young people looking for treasure, but this time the gals gotta be the rare bookworm type, yet without glasses, antisocial tendencies and skittishness that a woman like that would have had in olden days. And the son of Turner, yet another example of someone, paired with the female lead, that have daddy issues. This franchise could have concluded years ago with the trilogy, skipping the trash that was the 4th film entirely.
Even for a movie as long as it was, to fit everything into it, it was hard to take a breather and absorb things due to the speed at which things flew by. Either events were too predictable or immature in their humor without depth, or there was some familiar element from previous films to fool people into thinking the plot was thickening instead of burning itself out. With all the veiled hints at magic ties to ancient pantheons and promises of godly interventions or battles, I was far too disappointed with this movie to give it anything more than an average 5 out of 10 .