Cringeworthy

Rating: 5/10 (26 May 2019)

What the heck happened? I guess kids took over. That's what happened.
The obvious and brainless dialogue, nonsensical plot points, scenes that exist for no other reason than to exist, and thick exposition read out loud, covered by thick layer of CGI. It all makes me think that this film was constructed in a lab to appeal to kids who don't know any better. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw cartoony drawings of pirate Jack Sparrow as if they were leaflets at the Disney park.
The thing is, I am not sure it works for kids either, because there is metric ton of poorly weaved story beats that a kid would probably not care about. Some plot points appear to require you to have prior knowledge of previous movies, which makes things even more confusing. If you're going to make a movie that appeals only to kids, what's the point of adding complexity.
I don't know what I expected. I guess I expected that Javier Bardem and Johnny Depp are worth something, and they are at times, but the rest of the movie isn't and the two actors cannot save it. Even though Depp is doing his old tired act he's become known for, it's still entertaining at times. Whenever Bardem is on screen, that's when the movie captures your attention. The dialogue doesn't become any smarter, but somehow he is able to sell it well. But then the guy goes away for a while, and everything goes right back to suck kingdom.
This movie is an exceedingly dumb CGI fest and it's not for adults. May I suggest finding a youtube supercut of all the scenes with Bardem in it.