This movie belongs in a Jar of Dirt!!

Rating: 3/10 (31 May 2017)

'PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: SALAZAR'S REVENGE' was a joint directorial effort by Joachim Ronning and Espen Sandberg, and stars Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem and Brenton Thwaites.​Long ago, Jack Sparrow(Johnny Depp) first earned his rank of Captain when he outmanoeuvred Spanish Pirate hunter Captain Salazar(Javier Bardem), cursing Salazar to life in hell. But when he has come to the end of the line, Jack exchanges his treasured compass, and releases his greatest foe.
This is a franchise that, while I enjoyed 2 and 3, should have died after the first one. It didn't need to continue this long and they're really beating this skeleton of a once good franchise. Please, for the love of god, stop making these movies. If you enjoyed this movie, then I can't say I understand why but I'm happy you did because I wanted nothing more to like it. That said, after 'On Stranger Tides', this and even the already decreasing quality of 2 and 3, this franchise has proved it was a one trick pony and trying to get any more goodness out of it is a waste of time and money.
For starters, the story is very weak and not engaging in the slightest. I understand that the casual audience member may not care about the story and focus more on action(don't worry; I'll get to that later) but I still expect a coherent narrative that makes logical sense and engages me to an extent. To be fair, the ending was actually pretty great and neatly ends of the franchise, if they end it here(please do!).
CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow is a name that used to mean something in movies. Johnny Depp received his first EVER Oscar nomination for this character and now it's devolved into a pathetic, practical joke. That is genuinely sad because of what he was, and what he is now. RIP Old Jack. Javier Bardem provided perhaps his worst performance as Captain Salazar which is also a huge shame because I respect Bardem as an actor immensely(he's in my top 3 bond villains for God's sake!). I understand he had little to work with, and thus do not blame him for such a bland, unforgettable and uninspiring villain. Brenton Thwaites was also pretty weak as Henry but making the character the son of Will Turner cleverly links him into the rest of the franchise and gives me a reason to actually like him and want him to succeed. Caya Scodelario was decent as Carina and I really like the strong, powerful female character that each Pirates movie has included. I'll say that Carina is definitely better than Angela but slightly weaker than Elizabeth Swan(but that may be down to Swan having three movies to develop). Geoffrey Rush and Kevin McNally are the only two actors in all these movies that I still genuinely like. Both Barbossa(Rush) and Gibbs(McNally) are incredibly likable characters and I love the way their arcs end, one in particular.
Each Pirates movie from the Gore Verbinski trilogy to 'On Stranger Trash' at least had a unique feel to them and all of them FELT like a Pirates movie. This movie just felt like a mesh of 100s of other action and adventure movies thus causing this movie to lose its identity which is really sad. The costume and set design was fine but it didn't feel as alive as the other movies. The effects for this movie are also fine but I don't think they hold a candle to even the effects in 'The Curse of the Black Pearl'(but I may need to re watch it to be sure).
Right, another of my main flaws in this movie is the action. It's a PIRATES movie and contains the less Sword fighting and cool scenes than Schindler's List(you just imagined Oskar Schindler and Amon Goeth in a sword fight, didn't you?). The only sequence in this movie that had even remotely good action was the opening sequence(involving Sparrow) but aside from that, I wasn't impressed by any of the action.
A fair number of the jokes hit in this movie, which I was impressed by but I think that less time could have been spent on jokes, and more on an engaging narrative.
The pacing for this movie is also awful and it is WAY TOO LONG. You could have shaved off a good 20-25 minutes and wouldn't have affected the movie in any way.
The score for this movie is also awesome but that was established in 'The Curse of the Black Pearl' and can thus not be credited to this movie.
All in all, I really didn't enjoy this movie. It didn't contain enough good of anything to excuse the bad of anything. The bad outweighs the good for me and I just recommend it. If you liked it, I envy you because I really wished I did but I suppose the title(Salazar's Revenge. Really?) should have gave away how lazy this movie was gonna be. I don't recommend you see this movie and I'll rate it 3 out of 10 mute cameos.