Yo ho ho ho and a bottle of poop

Rating: 2/10 (30 May 2017)

The fifth installment of this once swashbuckling movie franchise based on an old Magic Kingdom ride will have you begging for 2 eye patches and a bout of scurvy. At one time (in 2003) Pirates of the Caribbean was a nice movie for the whole family that featured a mix of action, comedy, and pace which worked. For one movie.. Since then the franchise has taken a walk right off the plank and it has sunk to it's lowest depths in this one.
The title of the film was perfect because while it's true that dead men tell no tales, neither do the writers at Disney. This vague "i'm looking for my long lost daddy" story feels old and it's made worse as it's carried out simultaneously by both of the new main characters Henry (a forgettable personality that no one could possibly be invested in) and Carina (a girl who's smart because she says so). Captain Jack Sparrow is in typical form drunkenly mincing about as usual. He gets arrested only minutes into the film for attempting to steal a safe in front of an entire square of people. To pull of this brilliant heist he falls asleep inside the safe with the wife of the man lauding it's security, straps it to several horses on the other side of the building, and then has them pull in through the back. However in an obviously believable twist, instead of pulling it through the wall the horses which apparently all pulled the chariot of Zeus himself in past lives proceed to pull the entire building through the town despite it's size and lack of wheels losing all the treasure inside.
While in jail he meets up with his uncle, Captain Paul McCartney for all of 30 seconds. I do feel that this was a missed opportunity for the usually "suck every penny out of everything" executives at Disney when they didn't force Paul to release a shameless parody album alongside the film with such timeless classics as Maybe I'm Marooned, Ahoy Jude, The Ballad Of John And Yoho Hoko, Yellow Man-O-War, Buccaneer On The Run, All You Need Is Booty, While My Cutlass Gently Weeps, Sail Sail Sail, and I Want To Hook Your Hand. One highlight of the movie was Javier Bardem who was just lightheartedly creepy enough to provide a bit of interest though they don't flush his character out enough and he commands a zombie pirate ship that can literally eat other pirate ships. The fact the we see a zombie eating ship indicates that there were actually other ship ideas that were shot down which I would have paid a treasure chest in gold to hear.
At the "climax" of the film it's revealed that Barbossa is Carina's father as they're being pulled up a huge anchor to what appears to be safety before he jumps off. probably to end his misery of being on set. It reminded me of the classic scene from Empire Strikes Back where Vader reveals to Luke that he's his father, just without the emotional investment, impact on the actual plot of the film, or surprise. I would have given this a 3 instead of a 2 if he would have just said "Carina join me and together we can rule the sea as father and daughter", but they couldn't even give us that.
The worst part of the movie is truly the end in which Elizabeth Swan shows up literally running across a field to Will Turner with no lines or explanation of where she came from. But wait! there's an after credit scene in which a crab person gives will a bad dream, so stick around. It's only the end of May and this was the worst movie i'll watch all year. At least it better be..