What did I just see ?

Rating: 1/10 (29 May 2017)

Let me begin by humbly saying : I loved the 1st POTC. Really fun and new. Savvy ? Now to our review :

Re-use of old tropes and jokes from previous films of the saga : CHECK - Boobs uplifted by heavy breathing : CHECK - Re-re-use of same old jokes in the same 3 minutes : CHECK - Re-use of same music score :CHECK - Boobs : CHECK - Jack is a mess and a drunk jokes : CHECK - Celebrity cameo : CHECK - Absence of rhythm : CHECK - Story holds on torn post-it note : CHECK - Boobs generally bouncing : CHECK - Not really improv just people who act half-heartedly : CHECK - Unappealing new characters : CHECK - Not caring for the outcome : CHECK - Stupid mindless gore : CHECK - Boobs standing still : CHECK - Trying to cram in every joke that worked in other Disney's : CHECK - Jokes with animals because it's Disney so shut up : CHECK - Dragging out scenes because we don't have any sense of purpose : CHECK

Whore jokes : CHECK - Boobs bouncing from corsets : CHECK - Pseudo-feminist discourse : CHECK - The feminist is a pain in the ass discourse : CHECK - The feminist is a pain but she's a scientist so OK : CHECK - She's a scientist so she's a witch jokes : CHECK - She's a witch because all men are dumb jokes : CHECK - Pirates are even dumber than men jokes : CHECK - The guy is too soft for the girl : CHECK - The older guy was the girl's lost dad all along : CHECK

Happy ending : CHECK - Ridiculously happy ending (because we're all stupid kids who can't take a hint of realism in the art we consume) : CHECK - Throwing all of the above in a blender and serving it as a "film" : CHECK

A great villain that's interpreted by a great actor and served by great CGI that lets you think "hey why is this the only good thing in a multi-million dollar production ?" : CHECK - Feeling relief when the lights come back on in the theater : CHECK