'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales' Review

Rating: 4/10 (17 June 2017)

What, really, is the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' franchise? What has it become? What purpose does it serve, now, 14 years after the witty, clever, and fresh original? These questions, and more, you will be asking yourself while watching DMTNT.
So let's begin with a little history; the first PotC movie, 'Curse of the Black Pearl,' was released in 2003. The early 2000's were a tedious time for Disney, largely because it had started a new (and pointless, in my opinion) trend of rebooting classic Disney theme park rides. One infamous example of this dark period is Eddie Murphy's 'The Haunted Mansion' a crowded and ultimately mediocre picture that failed both critically and financially. But the PotC franchise came to Disney's salvation. Released a few months prior to HM, PotC proved a success and encouraged astronomical reviews and box office profit. Three years later comes 'Dead Man's Chest' a film that, while significantly worse than its predecessor, DMC managed to get relatively positive reviews and, of course, fared over $1 billion. Only a year later came, what I consider, the death of PotC, because everything; the presentation and execution of the film are dead on arrival. Of course, I am mentioning 'At World's End,' with an impressive $963.4 million. The last film defiantly refuses to attempt anything original or remotely entertaining, 2011's 'On Stranger Tides' with an undeserved $1 billion.
Predictably, I, as most of America, angrily stomped my feet and shook my fists because they had killed it. They had viciously destroyed everything good about PotC and expected us to pay to see the funeral. It'd be insane to make another one of these. "PotC is dead," I say to myself.
6 years later comes DMTNT. Here is a detailed plot summary (OPENING OF MOVIE SPOILERS)
We open with a young Henry Turner (played by Lewis McGowan) (Elizabeth and Will's son) looking for his father Will (Orlando Bloom), the now cursed captain of the Flying Dutchman (from third film). Will is confined to his ship for 10 years at a time, and can return to land for only one day. Therefore his father has largely been missing from his life, and the fed up Henry tells his father about Poseidon's Trident, a mystical object with capabilities to cure any curse. Will reluctantly dismisses his son; and Henry vows to find Capt. Jack Sparrow, a pirate with the required resources to find the trident.
Henry is now roughly 19 (Brenton Thwaites) and working on a British Royal Navy Ship as a lowly crew member. His ship is about to enter the lethal Devil's Triangle, and Henry, an educated student of sea myths, tries to persuade his commanding officer to turn around. But the enraged captain sentences Henry with treason and the ship continues. This inexplicably triggers some kind of supernatural incident, in which an undead captain and crew reawaken headed by Capt. Salazar (Javier Bardem). Salazar slaughters the crew but leaves one man, Henry, alive with a message: to find Sparrow and tell him death is coming to him.
We cut to Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), a young woman about to be hanged. A priest comes to hear her final confession, during which the most ham handed exposition occurs in the history of Disney.
"I confess that I am not a witch. I confess that I am an orphan who was left a diary with a secret map from my faceless father. I confess that I intend to solve the map and find a clue to my father's identity,"drawls Carina, while you wonder why they didn't just stick a STATS card in the screen corner.
So Carina, Sparrow, and Henry work together to get the trident while avoiding the tireless pursuits of Salazar and hilarity ensues!
This movie, while better than 3 and 4, holds little excitement, whimsy, or fun. Despite a few good scenes, the movie is tiring and simply a bore. It's a far cry from the PotC that you fell in love with, although a slight improvement.
4/10
40%
D+