The entirely worn-out 'Pirates' franchise stands to prove that that the Dead do in fact continue to Tell Tales.

Rating: 4/10 (31 May 2017)

It seems that the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' franchise will keep sailing until star Johnny Depp decides to hang up those washed out boots. 'Dead Men Tell No Tales' (or the significantly inferior 'Salazar's Revenge' in the UK, which I refuse to refer to it as,) has some fantastic moments, but its nadirs are so low that it is hard to relate to at points, churning out the same thrills, the same problems, and the same franchise developing plot devices that culminate to form a generally uninspiring sequel, which promises that more of the same is still yet to come.
The so-called "beginning of the end" to the 'Pirates' series sees the return of familiar faces, notably Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley - whose cameos comprise some of the most moving moments in the film - alongside newcomers Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario as Henry Turner and Carina Smyth respectively. The plot follows the latter duo on their journey to find the Trident of Poseidon with Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow, who seems somewhat unassured in the role this time round, and Geoffrey Rush's fantastic Captain Barbossa (the best developed character in the entire series). This is all whilst being chased by an undead sea crew, headed by Javier Bardem's Captain Salazar. Oh, and of course, the protagonists also have some altercations with the British Empire along the way (an entirely pointless sub-plot that only adds to the convolution of the narrative).
The motives are identified clearly from the start and founded upon rather basic principles, making it easier to follow than other 'Pirates' films, and it relates back to the beloved trilogy a lot more than the miserable 'On Stranger Tides'. But these aspects are often too plainly reiterated to the viewer that it hollows the plot disproportionately, sacrificing the development of potentially more engaging material. Bardem's antagonist thus feels loosely integrated into the franchise's narrative, which is sad given that he plays the role with natural certitude.
However, during the instances where Disney is showcasing its mastering of the CGI department, or the alcohol-fuelled scenes of Jack escaping near death situations (not to mention Paul McCartney's ingenious cameo), 'Dead Men Tell No Tales' provides some undeniably delightful entertainment. Yet in terms of an original, witty, swashbuckling joy of a ride, it fails to deliver on most fronts, conforming to the structure of the preceding films but also feeling far more conveniently pieced together than ever before.
It is a tale told by a franchise that should've been dead long ago; where it ought to be looking to bring back those wonderfully crafted sword fights of the first 2 films, 'Dead Men Tell No Tales' instead decides to expand its mythology to dismal effects.
Figuratively, no ships are being blown out of the water by this entry.