Better than On Stranger Tides

Rating: 7/10 (24 May 2017)

Dead Men Tell No Tales is the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie, although really it may as well be called The Quest to Prevent Johnny Depp's bankruptcy.
Whether or not you think the character of Jack Sparrow has reached his limit, and apparently everyone from Johnny Depp's kids to Depp himself has an opinion on that, Depp's personal and professional woes over the past years (Amber Heard, Lone Ranger) have tied his and Disney financial fates together apparently and made the box office for this far more interesting than the movie itself.
It's gotten so bad that there are apparently plans being made for additional Pirates movies, just maybe rebooted without Depp. Which is ridiculous because that's like sex without genitals.
So here's Jack 5.0, the character is now a washed up alcoholic, devoid of treasure and abandoned by his own crew. It's no surprise Depp helped out newcoming screenwriter Jeff Nathanson. This is probably his most personal piece of work in years.
It's also no surprise we get as many jokes as we do in the early going. This is Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 at sea basically, although here it's for a different reason.
Pirates has always been a series with pacing issues and no more did this feel more apparent to me than with "On Stranger Tides", where Depp just didn't seem his same witty self, and nothing else really picked up the slack either.
Here it's jammed full and he's doing his best to sell them all. There's even a moment with a guillotine that's one of the best sight gags i've seen in a while. Yes there is an annoying factor to this and yes there are quite a few that don't hit and yes as it goes on the jokes seem to dry up but this is a much funnier, more enjoyable experience.
It's also a more action packed one. The bank heist that starts the film keeps with these movie's wild spirit and there's a lot of over-the-top stuff that follows involving sharks and splitting the sea in half. Hey, if Fast and Furious can do an action sequence on a sheet of ice, then these Pirates can play Moses for a little while.
Javier Bardem's Captain of a ship full of zombie dead men intent on revenge also helps this a long really well. Bardem not only looks hauntingly scary but he puts an inflection on the dialogue to make it seem like almost like he's choking on his own blood.
But what makes him probably the best villain in the series since Barbosa is that he does have a backstory that puts him on a collision course with Captain Jack and gives us the origins of the Jack Sparrow name and legend at the same time.
Other than that there's not much that's new here. There's a MacGuffin everyone is trying to find; in this case it's a Trident. And then there is the British Navy, Barbosa, and anyone else willing to chase Jack around for the over 2 hour running time.
Brenton Thwaites is also in this movie. He's that kid who Hollywood is trying to turn into the next heartthrob action hero only the problem he's been given either bland characters to work with or God's of Egypt. His impression here is equally minimal.
He plays Will Turner's son. Kaya Scodelario plays a scientist. Both are searching for the Trident for different reasons. However the only reason they're here is because young love, and sometimes objectifying young love for laughs and or PG-13 titillation, is what the young people want.
Both super attractive in any case. Unfortunately Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom have been pushed to what amounts to cameos.
So overall this is pretty familiar territory and it's hard to imagine it without Depp but it's eager to please. It will probably only please the die hard fans but it is eager to do so and I for the most part had fun with it for that reason.
So I go 7 out of 10. If you liked this, check out Craig James Review on Youtube for more.