Boring, pedantic, predictable, empty romcom

Rating: 3/10 (8 September 2017)

Hey! Were you captivated by the rich world of Pirates of the Caribbean in the first movie? Did you enjoy the thrilling action and deep characters of it's sequels? You want to see Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp take to the seas once more in their cursed pirateships to fight an epic battle against an unstoppable force of evil? Well don't expect that in this movie. There's no epic battle, just a few minor brawls. You thought Pirates 4 was bad? Well this is worse. If you're hoping to see Orlando Bloom return for his role as William Turner in this dung heap they call a movie you're in for a sour surprise because he barely has 3 minutes of screen time. Were you hoping to see Johnny Depp return to the hilarious badass dumb genius pirate captain Jack Sparrow? Well he's just an empty shell of slapstick comedy. No? Then how about seeing Keira Knightly as the loose pirate queen of Shipwreck Cove, Elizabeth Swann? Too bad. You get to see her for maybe 20 seconds and ONLY at the very end of the movie. Or perhaps you were hoping to see Javier Bardem preform an amazing role as the most feared ghost piratehunter of the seven seas, Armando Salazar? You'll sorta get it? I mean, half the movie is captain Salazar's backstory and how he met the previously lovable Jack Sparrow. No? None of that? Then how about seeing good ol' Geoffrey Rush reprise his role as Captain Barbossa? Well he's always good, even despite the horrendous asspull they did in the last bit of the movie.
Now then let's move on to the latest additions to the cast. Kaya Scodelario as Carina Smyth, the strong, smart, independent woman who don't need no man but still kinda wants one, who's really just there to replace the hot clickbait actress they cannot afford anymore (Keira Knightly) or how about Brenton Thwaites as Henry Turner? Yes, the kid we saw at the end of the third movie, who was then still called Bill Turner back then, has received a name change as well as an actor change. He doesn't really do anything. He's just a plot device called "hurr durr I need to find the trident of Poseidon to save my father hurr"
This movie is incredibly dumb, and only small children would enjoy it. Which will be hard considering it's a PG-13 movie.