Salty, shallow, and Unsatisfying...

Rating: 4/10 (9 July 2006)

Let's get a couple of things straight--I loved the first Pirates film. It was a deliciously fun swashbuckling adventure that had its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. Director Gore Verbinski sailed his cast into a sunny experience that just made you smile out of pure enjoyment.
But, in the world of the Caribbean, it's amazing how quickly the weather can turn against you. To put it bluntly, Dead Man's Chest is downright boring. It's poorly paced. It lacks a cohesive structure. And, for an action movie, it lacks great action sequences. The story, which is a convoluted mess that reeks of multiple screenwriters with too many ideas and not enough common sense, takes a good two hours to get interesting. Yup, I said it. TWO HOURS. In the meantime, we're tossed back and forth from character to character with vague dialogue and leaky pirate ships until the whole shindig smells as bad as the Kraken's breath.
When we do finally reach the bombastic action-packed finale, it's hard to care anymore. Like an unruly dinner party guest, Pirates 2 long outstays its welcome. Character motivations weren't explained. Plot is thick and unintelligible. And, as a result, "Dead Man's Chest" becomes a victim of trying to do a little bit of everything, but at the same time, not doing anything particularly well. Sure, the special effects looked top notch, but in a world where computer generated wizardry is the norm, it takes a lot more than a fish people to get one to turn his head in wonder.
It's fascinating how all the best cinematic ingredients (a good director, solid cast, brilliant special effects) all come together to taste downright bitter without the unifying power of a solid story. And, as the famous theme park attraction prophetically declares, "They're be rough waters ahead." In the meantime, I raise a glass of grog to the heavens in hope that the third installment brings life back to such a promising franchise.