Pirates 2 rides on Depp's sexually ambiguous shoulders

Rating: Null/10 (15 February 2007)

Pirates 2 is Johnny Depp's show...his eyeliner wearing, rum-soaked Cap'n Sparrow has fun even when selling out his friends to undead fish people. Depp is truly the most interesting thing about the movie, a bombastic, CGI soaked affair with some impressive special effects and solid action scenes.
The biggest problem with Pirates 2 lies with Depp's supporting cast. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley are both very pretty, but neither comes close to matching Depp's charisma. Bloom in particular may look good in knickers, but for all his swashbuckling and hero-making, his performance is as bland as dishwater. The film's physically unappealing secondary characters are much more interesting. Pintel and Ragetti are strangely likable, Davy Jones is satisfyingly grotesque, and I found myself weirdly attracted to Tia Dalma.
Pirates 2 is very dark for a Disney flickalong with the requisite pirate-y betrayal and (figurative) backstabbing, there's some relatively nasty PG-13 deaths (including throat cuttings and hatchet hackings) and I know if I was six I'd be terrified of Jones and his scaly crew. Older viewers won't be bored by this film, but unless they're huge Depp fans, they won't be that thrilled, either.