Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, or "How to extort $12 more from John Q. Public by not bothering to write an ending."

Rating: 4/10 (27 July 2006)

I enjoyed the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie a lot. Johnny Depp played a real character, it was a combination of funny, adventure and scary. Very refreshing.
I didn't read any reviews of the sequel, Dead Man's Chest, before going to see it. I didn't hear about it from anyone. So I had no idea that I was only going to get half a story (or less, depending on how many movies the producers decide to take to tell it).
The first 90 minutes, even 2 hours, was entertaining. Jack's character was a little worn I think - his magical quirkiness from the first movie was kind of tired here, nothing new. But overall the story was good. I'd give the movie a 7 out of 10 rating (3 1/2 stars out of 5) if it had held up to the end. (Although, I have no idea what possessed the writers to turn Davy Jones into an octopus-head.)
Now, the first movie clocked in at 143 minutes according to IMDb, and I saw that movie twice. I was entertained both times until the end, bottom unscathed. After all it's a frigging pirate movie - you'd think 90 minutes would be enough. However that thought never crossed my mind.
In Dead Man's Chest, that thought crossed my mind repeatedly. "It's a frigging pirate movie, how long do they need?" IMDb tells us the sequel is 150 minutes, and yes my bottom definitely started to feel it. For at least the last 30 minutes I was getting a sore butt and wanting the flick to end. But the stories just kept going on. Jack is apparently eaten by the Kraken because of Elizabeth's treachery, Davy Jones' heart is taken but the bad guys still have a hold of it, Will hasn't yet fulfilled his promise to his barnacle-encrusted dad, and then... they're all sitting in an island witch's hut to mourn Jack (including Elizabeth, feeling remorseful it seems), when the witch introduces the ex-cursed pirate captain from the first movie who is going to, apparently, help them find Jack in this world or the black magic twilight world or something. And then the movie ends, just like that.
I was mightily annoyed. In 2 1/2 hours they couldn't even wrap up one of their story lines?? I don't mind leaving a few openings for another sequel to draw on, but this movie had absolutely nothing self-contained about its story. It screamed, "FRANCHISE!" It's like a boatman who promises to take you across the river for $12, but then half way across stops and demands another $12 to get to the other side (or to go back). It's extortion. The film turns into something absolutely lame. A skilled film storyteller can tell a good, complete story in 2 1/2 hours (an abundance of time in the film world), yet still leave some of the story open to continue on. But this movie ended as nothing more than a low grab at our wallets. (No these statements do not apply to Lord of the Rings, because everyone knew it was going to be 3 movies that essentially followed the 3 books.)
What's to say that in Pirates 3, they don't play the extortion game yet again? I don't trust them not to. If any of you watch anime, after Dead Man's Chest was over I felt like someone was trying to recreate a similar idea as One Piece, a Japanese anime about pirates which is now on well over 200 episodes. Each episode is about 23 minutes long (a TV half hour), and a given story arc may take many episodes to complete. But, I can download fan-subbed episodes of One Piece for free (donations accepted), legally, from the net, and I know what I'm getting every episode - a piece of a story that may take many episodes to complete, with a new episode coming every week or two. And so that's what I'm going to do with Pirates 3. If, when it finally comes out, it gets some decent reviews, and I find that I still at least partially give a damn, I will wait until it hits DVD then download a free, illegal copy from the net. Coz there ain't a snowball's chance in hell I'm gonna shell out another $12 just to see the end of the current overlong story.