a tediously-long, dull movie lacking anything for those over age 12

Rating: 1/10 (10 July 2006)

2 1/2 hours was way to much, and I was already looking at my watch 45 minutes in regretting what I'd gotten myself into. 1 3/4 hours would have been sufficient and easily attainable due to the numerous pointless scenes that didn't contribute to the "plot" and should have been axed.
The movie lacked a serious, intriguing tone at any point as the entire cast pranced about as if Spongebob's adventures was the topic at hand as opposed to having a true, pervasive pirate theme. Depp came across as an effeminate, slapstick, goof-ball captain as opposed to a seasoned sea dog.
The comedic devices used throughout were EXTREMELY trite and low brow and make Beavis and Butthead and the Keystone Cops look sophisticated by comparison. The level of humor in the Shrek series, for example, appeals to a much larger audience base than does DMC's. One example is the whole scene with the cannibals running down the beach after the pirates and then running back up the beach after the dog. The entire segment was literally slapstick and exceedingly juvenile in nature. It falls on its face when compared, for example, to the similar scene of Indy Jones running away from the natives and into the airplane at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Even the scene with the dice game was a bust. It could have been very tense and suspenseful given fates were literally hanging in the balance. Instead, it came across as anticlimactic given it was hard to follow the progress of the intended "suspense" as the number of 5's, 4's, etc. were wagered and rolled.
The scene with the dirt and the heart was inexcusably lame given this was what we were supposedly building up to and waiting on for the entire 2 1/2 hours. Naturally, the inept Depp drops and breaks the jar (whoops!) on the deck of the ship. But, given this is fantasy, what are we supposed to even be expecting will happen given its an "immortal" heart, magic dirt in a jar, etc.? Will Davey Jones die once the heart is placed in the dirt? Evidently not. Does the heart have to remain in the dirt for a period of time first before whatever happens happens? Well, the jar broke so we don't know if it was in there "long enough" to take effect. The heart evidently fell into the ocean when the boat sank so does that mean anything regarding Davey's immortality? Dunno. When Davey opens the chest and finds his heart isn't in there he seems disappointed, but evidently unaware that the magical heart-in-dirt process had taken place so evidently the event hadn't even fazed him. The entire premise, despite being the focus of the entire movie, is simply dropped, unaddressed, and unresolved (yes, I understand there's a 3rd movie).
The bottom line is that there is no true drama or suspense, no true comedy, and a lack of intuitive logic about the entire movie. Instead, the appeal appears to be for the fancy costumes, nifty special effects, sex appeal of the primary actors, etc. without a shred of anything else that makes a movie entertaining for those out of grammar school.
What a disappointment given all the hype.