Without Johnny, I might have died...

Rating: 2/10 (9 July 2006)

Remember two years ago when Disney announced that their hit film, Pirates of the Caribbean, would be turned into a trilogy? I said to myself "This cannot be good.". Guess what? I was right.
Dead Man's Chest picks up directly where the first Pirates left off. Will and Elizabeth's wedding is cut tragically short, by a pair of arrest warrants baring their names. Will, is then charged with finding our beloved Captain Jack Sparrow, retrieving his compass, and handing it over to a shifty Lord ( a clone of the first Pirate's Commodore Norrington character). Once found, Jack tells Will he will give him the compass, but only if he finds a key for him. Jack, on the other hand, owes Davy Jones a soul. So, being a pirate, he's effectively screwing everybody else, to wiggle his way out of being in Davy Jones' debt. Then Elizabeth breaks free of prison (of course) and proceeds to help Will and Jack. If you ask me, and I'm assuming you are since you're reading my review, the plot sounds like a treasure hunt concocted for a six year old. You know, the ones where this map points you to this key, which unlocks this chest, which has another chest inside it Even worse, however, are the stupid subplots we are asked to endure.
While there's dozens of reasons Dead Man's Chest doesn't work, here's the main one: It should never have been made. Listen up, Disney; when you hit the jackpot, and make an amazing movie based on a theme park ride, play it safe and leave it there. Don't insist on whoring it out and creating a trilogy. Any scene without Johnny Depp (who remains Oscar worthy), is pure drivel. The entire film suffers from bad supporting actors, awful design choices, and a plot unworthy of Saturday morning cartoons. Curse of the Black Pearl was near perfect. It struck the right balance between humor, action, and plot. But in Dead Man's Chest, they are all out of whack. Badly.
On to the acting shoot me now. Everyone, excluding Johnny, is terrible. Orlando Bloom continues to prove that he is nothing more than Legolas without the wig. And sadly, at least half the movie is placed upon his shoulders for him to carry; at which he fails. Keira, what happened? You had been doing so great. And even got an Oscar nomination for God's sake. But now, you're wooden and unfeeling. You make us come away cold. I'll ask again, what happened? I understand that playing an entirely CG character isn't an easy task, but Bill Nighy as Davy Jones gave me convulsions. Think of everything an actor shouldn't do in a role, and he probably did it. And the French-ish accent? God I'm literally stunned at how bad this performance was. But amidst all the terror, we have a shining star. Johnny Depp, who reprises his role as the Keith Richards-inspired Jack Sparrow, is brilliant beyond words. Complete with a drunken swagger, and more eyeliner than all of Green Day put together, he's simply a wonder to watch. Every expression is pure gold. There's just something I cannot put my finger on that makes Johnny Depp so incredible. Now, that's not to say every scene with him is perfect. The screenwriters make his character take a turn that is contrary to everything Depp had placed into the role. It effectively neuters his character, but it's hardly Depp's fault. He still remains Oscar worthy as ever.
But the real problem arises when Davy Jones appears. His character is so bad, he cancels out everything Jack Sparrow adds to Pirates of the Caribbean. And to anyone who has watched the first, they know that is everything. So what are we left with once Sparrow and Jones are gone? A horrible movie.
Overall, this movie had me wishing it was over during the opening scene. I won't fail it, simply because Johnny Depp is so incredible, but know that without him, it wouldn't have lasted five seconds. It's scary that Gore Verbinski can go from such extremes of good (Curse of the Black Pearl, The Ring) and bad (Dead Man's Chest). But frankly, I would have drowned myself in popcorn butter if Johnny Depp had not been in this movie.