What a waste of an evening!

Rating: 1/10 (12 July 2006)

Okay, I know loads of people love this film, and I went to see it with the full intention of enjoying it. But I couldn't. As far as I could tell it was rambling, incoherent and it was hard to understand what everyone except Bloom and Knightley were saying. And the film can't make it's mind up as to whether it's comedy or gross-out horror. In the UK it has one of those farcical '12A' certificates, and I have to say that there is no way I'd consider letting my two children (8 and 6) see it - they'd be really disturbed by so much of what goes on. Which doesn't make it bad film-making (it's the bad film-making that does that!), but does make the whole issue of certification very questionable.
Depp is back as the ambivalent Sparrow, mincing and wearing make-up for all he's worth. Bloom and Knightley are there as well as the star-crossed, rather dull, lovers. And all the others are there too, including Jack Davenport to add an 'interesting' third way to the film. Their performances are all OK, but then again this isn't 'Come And See', one shouldn't expect ground-breaking thespianism.
I know it's only a film, only a story, but I was bemused by the whole Flying Dutchman thing. I thought it was fairly well known that the legendary captain of the Flying Dutchman was a Dutch sailor called Van Der Decken. Maybe Davy Jones sounded easier for the mushed-out brains of Hollywood's perceived target audience to understand. But I was disappointed - Van Der Decken sounds far more mysterious. And how come that someone with a name like 'Davy Jones' sounds so darned Scottish? I think you can tell I didn't like it. I thought the film was aimless, chaotic, rambling and totally annoyed me by leaving us with a cliffhanger ending that I really didn't care about. I was very angry about that actually. I had no idea and was fed up that I'd wasted an evening watching a film I didn't really like that didn't even have a satisfactory ending.
But I guess that any film based on a Disney theme park ride is never going to be high art. I did quite like the first film (although the sword fights went on for far too long), but I really do believe this film is a mess, confusing and non-sensical. But, I suspect many of those who loved the first one will enjoy this and the prospect of more to come. But, the cynic in me can't help feeling that much of the popularity of this film (borne out by the presence in the cinema of so many teenage girls) is due at least in part to the presence of Messrs. Bloom and Depp.
Shiver me timbers!