Probably the worst film adaptation of a Billy Ocean song ever

Rating: 1/10 (25 May 2007)

Is there such thing as a "perfect TV show"? Maybe. But Pirates of the Caribbean is hardly an example. For Pete's sake, the show didn't even have any pirates in it. Sure, half the movie took place on water, and I guess you could call Dennis Hopper's little aqua army a 'group of pirates', but that's stretching it.
Now, I should tell you right off the bat that I'm not a fan of prequels. This was supposed to show you how Edward Scissor Hands grew up when he was a kid in the olden days. Maybe I was in the bathroom when they showed that part, but I never saw it. I kept looking for young Scissor Hands when the so called 'pirates' were shooting about on their jet skis, but you know (and I just realized this right now), I don't think he could even ride a jet ski. He's got scissors for hands! You can't drive a jet ski when you have scissors for hands!
In any event, in this episode the entire planet is covered with water. There's the good guy, played by Orlando Bloom (looking suspiciously like Kevin Costner) who has his own boat and also can breathe under water because he has gills for some reason. Then there's the bad guy, played by Dennis Hopper who sails around the world in his 'pirate' ship (which is really just an old oil tanker) doing evil things.
At one point, Bloom's character discovers an old bag of mail from like 100 years ago and pretends to be a postal carrier. This pisses off Hopper something fierce. That's because in the olden days, there was nothing pirates hated more than mail. Getting a letter from grandma is like fingernails on the pirate chalkboard.
When everyone finally finds land, the TV show shifts and there's a mad dash to find the treasure of a pirate from the olden days called 'One Eye Willy". It was kind of cheesy, because it was supposed to be taking place in the Caribbean, but for some reason looked a lot like America's Pacific Northwest.
Eventually they find the treasure, and everybody's homes are saved from Dennis Hopper's evil land developers.
I was so confused by this movie that I actually became literally ill, and my case of violent diarrhea which has been dormant for some 15 years returned. I won't be buying this one on DVD.