Well-selling mediocrity

Rating: 6/10 (26 July 2006)

I went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead man's chest and was thoroughly disappointed. It never ceases to amaze me how the consuming public can endorse such tripe. All right, let's start the complaining.
First, the film is much too long at nearly 2 hours and thirty minutes. Now, I don't have a problem with long movies, but, in the case of this film, Verbinski pushes us along from one over-the-top action sequence to another until you'll start to wonder whether it will ever end.
Early in the film we learn that, for some reason, Depp owes his soul to Davy Jones and his crew of scallop covered seamen(Rendered here in wonderful CG, in the guise of various forms of aquatic life). The whole situation surrounding Depp's debt to Davy Jones is quite ambiguous and confusing. Director Verbinski does not seek to clarify all of this, but, rather, pushes on onward to the more lively scenes, apparently wanting to make use of his budget.
I won't seek to outline the entire plot for you, but, it does involve island cannibals, some imposing Brits and a giant octopus beast called the "Kracken," which haunts Depp and makes a hobby of devouring ships.
Let me make this known; THERE IS NO REAL MALE LEAD. Will Turner (Bloom) is an effeminate push-over who doesn't ever seem to have much bearing over anything. at one point, the sad sack gets his foot caught in the rigging of a net full of explosive barrels set as an ingenious trap for the aforementioned Kracken ("Is it dead?" "No, we've just made it angry").Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) is a cartoon, pirouetting and gesticulating his way through much of the film. This sort of goofing-off is, usually, to some degree, endearing or comical, but Depp takes it to such an unacceptable level that you will want to punch right through the celluloid theater screen, right at his eye-shadowed face, bedecked in a Chinese sage's beard. This sort of levity makes it hard for us to ever take him seriously, especially when events demand for us to, such as when he is displays fleeting looks of horror, or when he is offered a chance at redemption by Knightley, or, in the laughable ending, charges head-first into the mouth of the Kracken, a creature which, throughout the entire film has planned to eat him, and eventually brings about the clown's demise. Captain Sparrow is also quite fond of saying "bugger," which I recommend he refrain from saying should he ever visit England. In fact, he should know the term's ulterior connotations if he is indeed British, which, despite his hokey accent, we assume he is.Half of the time, the poor bastard just seems too shocked at the world around him, grimacing and making other faces in the vein of Jim Carrey as the situation of his general surroundings changes, especially during fight sequences, like the one in which Turner, Sparrow and some brooding discharged officer of Her Majesty's Royal Navy who vaguely reminds me of Emily Bronte's "Heathcliff" face-off in a less than deftly handled and anticlimactic duel(NOTE: another thing enacted anticlimactically- a scene in which Turner bets his soul in a game of dice with Davy Jones. And, yes, Davy Jones. I suppose he's not much of a lead either because, come on, let's face it, who can take him seriously, he has an octopus for a face and speaks in a phony Scottish drawl (plus he plays the organ with the tentacles that replace his beard). And now that we are on the subject of actors-Miss Knightley! The major problem I had with her performance isn't necessarily her problem, it can possibly be accredited to shoddy writing. The character can seem to decide whether she wants to bicker about the boys' foolish behavior, (pouting in the sand as they seek to resolve things by sword point) or be one of them (swigging bilge water rum and handling a blade like a seasoned fencer).
If there is one thing I liked about this film, it is the settings, cinematography and art design, as well as the costume and makeup work. These, however, are, for the most part aesthetic attributes and cannot be the movie's saving grace. As Depp's Sparrow says in the film "I love these moments. I love to wave at them as they pass by."