astonishingly awful

Rating: 1/10 (26 July 2006)

Contains spoilers. This feels like the longest movie I have ever seen, but not in a good way. I believe it was Roger Ebert who once said about another movie, "if anything can happen, then who cares what happens". He could have been talking about Pirates II. In order to save Cap'n Jack, er, get the love birds married, er, save Will Turner's Dad, er, whatever, we have to retrieve that, no wait, we have to find this, no wait, we have to kill that, no wait, we have to go there, no wait, we have to save that guy... Instead of sunny seafaring scenes (it's the Caribbean, remember), most of the movie is grimly dark and caked with creepy sea gunk. Okay, it's Davey Jones locker, we get it. Move on. Sea gunk is not that entertaining. Even the very fine actors Stellan Skarsgard and Bill Nighy are buried beneath layers of special movie pirate goo in wasted performances (you can almost see them asking to be rescued from this dreck). So there's plenty of "piratey" atmosphere, but I didn't care about any of it because I didn't care about any of the characters. Characters and plot lines appear and then are quickly forgotten or replaced by others, and I have watched deodorant commercials with better character development. The Kraken (sp?) attacks three times (one time, scary, two times, interesting, three times, yawn...) During the third attack, (which is the longest of the three segments), does the director really think that we believe, despite all the crashing timbers and grasping octopus tentacles, that any of the main characters are going to die? Not bloody likely, and yet the segment goes on and on and on and on... Then suddenly, game over in a naked setup for episode #3. Turns out, in order to find out what happens to Cap'n Jack, you'll have to wait a year and fork over another $9.50 (uh, der, he's the main character!). Writers and directors that disrespect their audiences this profoundly should be forced to get real jobs. Johnny Depp gamely attempts to redeem the movie by taking his character way over the top, but clearly understands what nonsense is afoot. Avoid this movie at all costs. See whatever is playing at the next theater or better yet, buy the DVD of "Swashbuckler" with Robert Shaw, Genevieve Bujold, Peter Boyle, and James Earl Jones for a real good-natured and entertaining pirate movie. Of course, now that Pirates II has made hundreds of millions of dollars, aimless and overblown will be the Hollywood formula for the next three years. The further tragic "Bruckheimer-ization" of Hollywood. Buckle up. I can only hope that Depp makes so much money from this movie and the sequel that he can afford to buy the studio and return it to some respectability and integrity.