The Bad

Rating: 8/10 (7 July 2006)

First off...I loved this movie. Loved it. It had everything I expected and then some. Evoking Errol Flynn and even a dash of good old Raiders of the Lost Ark. There were 4 things that kept this film from being as good as the original:
1. The Curse of the Confused Narrative Some guy wants Jack's compass or it's curtains for Elizabeth, then the same guy REALLY wants the chest; Governor Swan hates Will turner suddenly for no logical reason and will stop at nothing to pluck his daughter out of the hole she's in; Jack wants the key to the chest for some purpose that is never clearly defined (probably involving his blood debt, but this is never really explained), Davey Jones wants Jack Sparrow, then 1,000 souls, then Jack Sparrow again, Will wants Elizabeth, then the key, then his dad, then the key again, and Elizabeth wants Will and the key. In the middle of all this, it seems the crew of the pearl decided (why not?) to get captured by some aborginies for no good reason. In other words, there is WAY too much going on in this film plotwise compared to the first one. Not that complexity is necessarily a bad thing, but it is when handled so sloppily; one hopes that the third installment will clear up some of the muddle. Thankfully, by the 1/2 hour mark the characters manage to FINALLY hammer down exactly what the hell is going on. Whew.
2. The Curse of the Flailing Mega-star Don't get me wrong. Mr.Depp is amazing, everyone breathing knows that. His tears cure cancer, he poops golden turds, etc. It seemed to me that at certain times the film would have been more appropriate with the Benny Hill theme song playing instead of the soundtrack.
3. The Curse of the Incessant Self-Referencing The whole self-awareness in-joke gagfest thing was cool to me when I was 12. The big 1-3 rolled around and I was pretty much over it as far as sequels are concerned. I hate it when a film is practically SHOUTING at me and poking me, saying "hey, hey! member that from the first film? 'member? wasn't that AWESOME when that happened in the first film?" Yeah, it was. That's why I own the collector's edish DVD...I HAVE the first movie already. The worst example of this is Gov.Swan's yuk-yuk line, "Where's that dog with the keys?". The dog thing is referenced AGAIN when Elizabeth is in the jail cell, and AGAIN when the dog is on the rowboat with the two characters I affectionately refer to as R2-D2 and C-3P0. Thankfully this self-referencing groan-fest is toned down to a dull roar by the 1/2 hour mark, and the few remaining instances ("pirate!" on the black pearl at the end being a good example) are done in EXCELLENT taste.
4. The Curse of the Missing Xbox Certain Kraken scenes and certain squishy-nasty-barnacle-encrusted pirates scenes had me wondering if I could perhaps plug in my Xbox controller and play a round of whatever video game I was watching. Isn't there a starving, out of work special effects props/costume man out there who'd, like, do a movie like this for free? Just so us, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Public, would be spared ONE more gratuitous CGI circus standing in for special effects?