Too long - and Jack's doing all he can NOT to be sexy

Rating: 6/10 (10 July 2006)

There was a lightness and a grace about the first film. This has neither. It is FAR TOO LONG, the plot drags on, the script lacks the humour and wit of the first and the trailered kiss - a big draw for Depp's female fans - is deeply unconvincing. It seems contrived that Jack is now meant to be desirous of Elizabeth, as he clearly wasn't in the first film - despite being on a desert island with her. And it's not that clear why Elizabeth would suddenly find him attractive. Except that since countless women do, so must she, I guess...
Ironically, for all Johnny Depp is much desired, but he doesn't do raw desire with any conviction (not even in The Libertine, though he manages regret and ennui there very well) - too much of a child-man perhaps? When Jack's kiss comes he doesn't convince (and I really wanted him to, believe me), though Keira does pretty well her end. In fact here she acts more effectively than he does. I can see why they had it, of course, but to be brutally honest, Depp's better being a crafty kid - all the positive aspects of a smart, sad or thwarted child he shows to perfection - even the fighting has the air of play acting this time round (better in the first, especially the scene in the blacksmith's). Don't remember Sparrow doing quite so much mincing and flouncing in the first film: he was camp there, but not this camp. But then since this character's been hailed as sexy in the first, I guess, as usual, Depp's trying his best to undermine that impression here, taking every opportunity to look clumsy, unheroic and effete. Against the odds, allowing his looks, he pretty well succeeds.
The other pretty faces are creditable. Keira Knightley, for all she can't really act, tries very hard in her earnest way and is no worse than in the first. Orlando Bloom also tries hard, though is no better than her in the acting stakes and he is less lucky with the script. He is well-served by his 'I'm gorgeous in this light/stance/close-up' moments though - the director knows what the teen audience want to see, here at least.
Nighy is fun, doing an angry, physically powerful man in a manner we rarely see for this actor, though that mouth, which we focus upon thanks to all the tentacles, lacks menace, and looks rather weak. The best performances are those of Will Turner's father, Bootstrap Bill (Stellan Skarsgard) and Cutler Beckett (Tom Hollander). Both utterly convince - quite a triumph for the former under a weight of special effects, while the latter is just nasty and you know it, without any props at all.
So to sum up, this long-winded, slithery romp is more for older kids than the last film, and then in desperate need of a more succinct plot, more tightly edited and therefore more effective special effect moments, and a sharper script (though the latter would be lost on children of course - it would just make the hours less wearisome for the adults). Go without kids only if you've the hots for Bloom or Knightley - or you like your man to be reminiscent of a naughty child. But be prepared for a long 150 minutes...