Yo Ho, Yo Ho, This Movie is real slow

Rating: 7/10 (8 July 2006)

Just before I begin the critical analysis of this movie, I want to say that I have never been more excited about a movie before. The build-up, the poster campaign have all looked amazing, and when the soon-to-be-iconic Pirate theme began, I nestled in my seat for the bumnumbing 150 minutes ahead of me. The movie starts well, with a distraught Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) looking pouty as her wedding has just been ruined by the arrest of her fiancée, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom). The next shot is of a rather scary looking island, with some rather scary looking men throwing coffins into the sea. The camera focuses on a bird ontop of one of the coffins, the birdie gets blown up by the gun of, none other, than Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). Already, my criticism for the movie has begun; Gore Verbinski and Jerry B. were obviously too worried about the effects to bother with a story, which, unfortunately, can't hold a candle to the first film, The Curse of the Black Pearl. The film suffers from several problems, the first being something I like to call "The League of Xtraordinary Gentlemen" syndrome. It has a great premise, but can't carry it off due to a disappointing narrative drive. The film jumps from scene to scene unflatteringly, for example, one minute Jack is aboard his ship, having a ghastly encounter with Bootstrap Bill Turner, the next he is on an island being praised as a god by island natives. The writers have also unnecessarily added in some characters killed off in the first one, Pintell and Ragatti are back for more, with none of the "good guys" a.k.a Gibbs or Sparrow himself giving the blind bit of notice to the fact that just a while before they had been fighting them off in Curse of the Black Pearl. Characters come and go, plot holes leave gaping craters in a movie that should have been every bit as good as it's predecessor. The film is a bit of a mess. But it is a visually stunning, and at times, breath-taking mess. For every boring scene, for every cringeworthy piece of acting, there is a fast-paced action scene. But some of them just don't work. For example, the Kraken scene goes on too long and not enough happens, whereas a bar brawl in Tortuga, while being hilarious at times, has too much happening at once to really capture your interest. There is also a scene in which a hungover Norrington, Sparrow and Turner fight it out on a picturesque beach. Although it unravels into a thrilling sequence, it starts off really quite shoddy and boring. I imagine you could stage a better fight down at your local. All-in-all, I left the cinema not knowing what to think. While it had been boring at times, it had been really quite amazing at times. I can't help wondering if I wanted to like it.
Verdict: When it's slow it's slooooooooow, and the plot tends to cave in at times. But Depp holds his ground, and I'm licking my lips for Pirates 3. But I can't help but wonder if it's going to turn out like the Matrix... ***/*****