Profoundly disappointing

Rating: 5/10 (10 July 2006)

This sequel to 2003 surprise blockbuster has been marketed as more of the same. Unfortunately this is not the case. Like the original Matrix, Pirates 1 came out of nowhere to knock everyone's socks off, a very original, funny, action packed if slightly overlong film that created several lovable characters, none more so than Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow. In that film he was the centre of just about everything good and the film suffered whenever Sparrow was off screen. Sadly, in their feverish attempt to cash in on Depp's new found mega-star status, the producers have failed to keep in mind what made his character so popular: his charm. In this film the rumbustious, rapscallion nature of Sparrow has been taken away, leaving a rather camp damp squib in its place: a charming, debonair but scheming pirate metamorphosed into an unamusing caricature of himself.
Sparrow just isn't funny in this film. In fact, for some reason, the producers have decided to actually skip past the scenes in which he could've stolen the show (again)! Instead of having Jack talk/lie/cheat/manoeuvre his way around various obstacles, whether it be two slow witted marines, an officious soldier or what have you, here we see Depp mostly AFTER he's been successful. You're not shown how he does it and, because of this, you don't really empathise with the ridiculous situations he gets into. Case in point: when Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) tracks his acquaintance down for various reasons, Depp has managed to talk himself into the position of chief of a tribe of cannibals. But you never see this happening! Instead Depp's humour is limited to running like a homosexual stereotype and occasionally saying 'Bugger!' a line which wasn't really funny the first time and loses all appeal by the fifth repetition. This means that the film is overly reliant on its story to keep you occupied and, here's the kicker, you only get to see half! Yes, again like the Matrix, Pirates 2 and 3 are actually Pirates 2a and 2b, and, after watching for well over 3 hours (150 minutes of film plus adverts and trailers), it comes as a bitter blow to realise that this movie doesn't have a resolution. In fact, rather like the Matrix sequels, the main character is in seemingly inescapable peril... but unlike that film (Reloaded) his mates have all abandoned him!
So how do all the other actors fair? Well, rather like Oceans 12, it looks like they all had a lot more fun making the film than before. Bloom is slightly darker, Knightley is allowed to do more than get rescued and Davenport (the pompous but competent British antagonist of the previous film) is allowed to let his hair hang loose... But, again like Oceans 12, this funness, for the actors, leaves the audience desperately trying to piece together the gaps: how does Elizabeth learn to fight? How does Norrington get in such dire straights? Why does Will fall for EVERYONE'S tricks EVERY SINGLE TIME? At best these things are vaguely alluded to in terms of time passed, hurricanes and other non-specific references, but seldom do you feel that there is a genuine link between Pirates 1 and Pirates 2a.
Finally we come to Bill Nighy's Davy Jones whose chest, of the title, is the object of everyone's desire. But Jones isn't a genuine bad guy! Unlike Geoffrey Rush's Barbossa in the first film, Jones is merely a man looking to retrieve what's his. He's a Scot who captains a submersible ship called the Flying Dutchman and he can summon the Kraken (none of which is explained), but in reality all he ever does is to ask for what's his by agreement. There's not much to dislike. Similarly, like the rest of the film, his back-story is jumbled at best. Why would a Scot name his ship after another, rival country? How did he become the weird looking fellow he is? Why exactly has he placed his heart in a box!?! And so forth... again, other than the occasional, badly scripted explanation, we're not really told anything about Jones and what we do learn is fairly incomprehensible... Naomie Harris herself mentions that there are various stories with some unifying themes but that they all mean the same thing even if they don't and... yes, I got lost pretty quickly too. Oh and what ever happened to Anamaria and the two funny British soldiers? They, like many others, had either disappeared before the start of Pirates 2 or found themselves out and about with nought but a vague reference to miraculous escapes...
Suffice it to say that Pirates 2a comes across like little more than a massive effort to make some cash. The two sequels cost upwards of $200m so it's understandable that Bruckheimer doesn't want people to be able to miss the third if the second one is rubbish, but it still makes a bad film feel even worse. It's not as funny, endearing or clever as the first movie and at 150 minutes (+ sequel/ending) it's a damn sight longer. Overall I'd suggest it's worth a DVD rental at best and even then you're better off waiting until the sequel is available as well as a good six hours to watch them both in. This movie was a great disappointment to me and I can't imagine it will leave any relatively objective viewers particularly impressed. As for the generally good reviews I've read and seem to contradict, I'd like to point out one thing: remember how great we all wanted the Phantom Menace to be? Remember how we all went: 'It's not so bad?' Remember how we felt when we finally gave in and admitted it was rubbish? In time, like with the Matrices 2a and b, I think the Pirates sequels will be similarly reviled.