PASTICHE of the Caribbean--SPOILER

Rating: 7/10 (8 July 2006)

This movie throws everything but the galley sink at the wall and only some of it sticks We have the ship named Flying Dutchman, but not the actual Flying Dutchman, which irritated the heck out of me because he'd have been a lot more interesting given the lovelorn theme than Davy Jones. We have mythological beasts, legendary seamen, and voodoo priestesses with hard-ons for Johnny Depp.
Well, I suppose the last bit isn't quite so unrealistic.
But she dug Orlando Bloom on sight, and I don't get that at all.
Anyhow, there are some huge problems with this movie, and not all of them could be resolved by tying the plot points up neatly at the end of the third movie. First, we have too many derivative echoes of Star Wars. I've read as much Joseph Campbell as the next nerd, but it gets tedious seeing the same romantic triangles played out over and over, and the same dynamic between the cursed and hideously-deformed villain who was turned to evil because he was unsuccessful in romance set against a young and pure-hearted protagonist.
I swear to high heaven, if Will and Elizabeth turn out to be brother and sister in Pirates III, I will flipping throw my large Diet Pepsi--ice, straw, soda, and all--at the screen. That will most seriously displease me.
Which brings me to my second complaint, namely--watching Keira Knightly vacillate between Will and Jack is rendered absurd by the existence of what a lamer Orlando Bloom is in one of three key heroic (?) roles. OK, OK...put the man in platform shoes, give him blond hair extensions and blue contacts, and he's otherworldly beautiful. But he. Can't. Act. His way out of a paper bag, let alone off a ship full of cursed sailors who look like walking, talking, barnacle-encrusted bits of flotsam and jetsam. He's just not got the juice, and you put him next to Depp on screen and it's clear that any reasonably piratical lass would opt for a dirty weekend and a trip around the bay with Captain Jack as opposed to a lifetime of boredom with nice-guy Will.
But wait, there are glimmers of hope. Our plucky, lightsabre (I mean sword!)-wielding heroine turns out to have a rather machiavellian side to her, before plunging into regret for her actions. Will showed promising signs of jealousy and violence, before reverting to Luke Skywalker-esquire mastery of his anger. And Captain Sparrow seems to me to be ripe for the picking in whatever passes for a piratical version of a male midlife crisis, though Mr. Rochester-like, he's bound to be permanently maimed, first, before he's rendered fit for a lifetime of being press-ganged by anything in petticoats. The best dynamic in this movie wasn't (sadly) between the nominal villains and the heroes, it was between two of the heroes; Jack tells Elizabeth she will be tempted to try being truly self-serving because she is curious and will want to know what it feels like, and Elizabeth very pertly (because we're talking Keira here whose jaw is the only thing more aggressive and jutting than the toothily-armed prow of the Flying Dutchman in this movie) tells him that he will in turn wish to sample the joys of being a decent fellow doing the right thing, and enjoying the respect and admiration which comes from being a good guy and hero.
I could almost hear Han and Leia bantering, or Rick from Casablanca saying "I stick my neck out for no one".
Long live the antihero, and may he always get the girl, or at least stride off into the sunset with Claude Raines.
OK, here's what you really need to know. The pacing is not good in this installment. There are parts which are just too loud and go on too long. The waterwheel sword fight, however, is all it's cracked up to be, and then some. The script neglects to give its most charming characters any memorable lines. Davy Jones is well-voiced, and beautifully (which is to say disgustingly) CGI-rendered, as is the Krakken. I thought I'd crave sushi after this film, but found I did not. I was pleased as punch to see Jack Davenport's Commander Norrington character return, mostly because I had girlfriends who dug him in the first movie. He has a heckuva voice, and looks better with a tan and some dirt all over him.
And there will always be an England so long as there are superb British Character actors like Tom Hollander to add an elegant and silky menace to cardboard villain roles, and McKenzie Crooks to be alternately Gareth from The Office (BBC) and the austensible (sic) comic relief other than Johnny Depp in this one. And.............
SPOILERS I'm thinking the real beating heart of the Davy Jones character is that music box. They didn't try to turn him into the Phantom of the Opera for nothing, IMO.
Just please, please, PLEASE do not let his long-lost love be the unintelligible voodoo priestess. I not only have a large diet soda to hurl, but also popcorn.
Jerry Bruckheimer, you HAVE been warned.
And I don't appreciate you left the dog on that island to be eaten.