Shipwreck!

Rating: 3/10 (22 July 2006)

"Dead men tell no tales!" And, apparently, neither do the makers of this movie! (Honestly, let me first say that I have not met a single person that thought this was a good movie nor can repeat back to my what it was about. So I just have to wonder who is saying that it's "Great." "Better than the first." "Terrific." It's all highly suspect.) I adored the first "Pirates" ("Curse of the Black Pearl.") It was one of my all-time favorite summer "matinee" fun movies. Initially I had low expectations of a movie made from a 'ride' at Disneyland, but was I surprised, nay, stunned and shocked. Great story. Great performances. Great fun. Brilliant devices, etc. As much as the first "Pirates" is great, the second is horrific. "Dead Man's Chest." What a total mess. It's like they dumped out a pile of unrelated documents from a dead man's chest to fill the script. I still can't tell you what it was about. Ironically, the over-jammed action keeps coming to several halts so that two or more characters can explain to each other what is going on (exposition to the audience) yet even that is futile. I'm not sure the makers even knew what was going on. It's an exploding blunderbuss of ideas, plots, and effects. And then insult of all insults, the mess doesn't resolve. There's a big-fat "stay tuned and pay us another ten bucks next year to finish this mess up." (Bruckheimer owes me my money-back 'cause I sure didn't get what I paid for.) This movie is the pirate that stole my booty (both cash and tuckus-- sitting 2.5 hours for nothing...really...nothing...other than a sore rump.) I felt betrayed by the writers. I can just hear them and the producers now: "We'll put in this....and that...and that scene/character from the ride...and we'll take Greek myths, pirates' tales, monsters, CGI...etc., etc and put it all together. Cool! We have the money. The sky's not even the limit." Too bad they forgot the story when they added all the spectacle and cinematic parlor tricks. Sure, the CGI is top-notch. Who cares? Does that make a good movie or a good TV commercial? At least TV commercials end in thirty seconds...that's what makes 'em fascinating. My God, even a fireworks extravaganza would become boring after an hour with no plot. (Sure, the stunts/action were amazing too....but again, I just didn't care.) This was so over jammed with plots and confusion that it became aimless if not plot less. What a horrible, horrible disappointment. I'd rather be trapped on the ride for three days than sit through that again. The makers just have to know that this is not a good film. It's not even an average film. It is, sadly, a bad film. I'm embarrassed for them. In fact, I'm sick about it...especially since it's an all-time box-office breaking run-away blockbuster....but that success was built on the brilliance of the first movie. Now we've been betrayed and abused. Pirated! The makers owed us another quality film for what they promised. Instead they went for greed and speed and threw together two more 'films.' (Are they films? I'd say they're reels of very expensive footage.) How can something like this get made? How is it that such terrific writers, phenomenal producers, a talented director, and amazing actors not stop this? Didn't anyone (including masterful Depp or Skarsgard) have the integrity, insight, and care to yell: "Stop! This is Pirate Poopy." I used to be able to say that Depp was only in top-notch, hand-picked, well-thought-through movies with amazing roles/scripts. Oops. Now he's a commercial puppet. (I realize that may be an accident.) The writers themselves have advised others to not make movies that are "crap plus one." (They know what this means and you can figure it out.) Guess what? This movie is thirty pounds of various crap minus five. (And maybe plus one for the CGI.) How careless if not cruel. Taken by seasoned professionals that all know way better. I'm gonna go cry now. What a sad day for Hollywood and the adoring public. We waited two years for a grand parade, and we got an unrehearsed, panic-riddled fire-drill.