A movie that's only an advertisement for another movie? No, thanks.

Rating: 2/10 (28 July 2006)

Oh, goodness. I don't even think it's "spoiling the movie" to say that this movie serves the sole purpose of telling the audiences there's going to be a third movie. Heck, only the news that a second movie has been released already tells us that. The big thing about Hollywood now are the trilogies, anyway. A movie's success guarantees not a sequel, but the whole trilogy. And this pathetic excuse for a movie is essentially, like a person in another Internet forum said, a 150 minute long trailer for the next movie. Two and a half hours of wannabe-eccentric Jack Sparrow crossed over with incredibly awful Warner Brothers cartoon slapstick humour crossed over with "gross out" sea monsters crossed over with more people dying than in the entire "Titanic". And did I mention it's two and a half hours long? It felt like at least five hours, in the theatre.
I admit, I didn't see the first one, but at least now I'm well warned not to watch the first one. And by golly will I never want to watch the third one, not even if they paid me to - I don't sell my dignity that easily. As far as special effects showcases go, I'd rather watch "The Day After Tomorrow" instead, which is a much worse but actually (even if unintentionally) FUNNY movie. This movie isn't funny, even though it tried to be. It's just idiotic, and TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG. They could have wrapped up the entire thing in 90 minutes, or so. Were they trying to do something "epic" with it or what? The Backyardigans, in the fabulous episode "Pirate Treasure", already sang about what you do with a scurvy pirate: "Make them walk the plank!". I just hope that can apply to scurvy movie producers, too. If not possible, I just wish someone would slap that Jerry Bruckheimer in the forehead for me, or throw all his bags of money in his head.