At least it's better than Superman Returns

Rating: 3/10 (9 July 2006)

Jack Sparrow owes Davy Jones his soul, and the producers of this movie owe me six dollars. The only thing that kept me from screaming words of vitriolic hate after this movie is that I am not capable of screaming because I recently saw Superman Returns and I am still trying not to throw up. In fact that is the only reason why I gave this movie 3 stars, because I wanted to emphasize that as much as this movie totally sucks, it's still at least two stars above Bryan Singer's shameless depiction of Jesus Christ Superman.
Basically, this movie amounts to five minutes worth of relevant plot that was dragged out into a two and a half hour film. A more accurate title for this movie would have been "Pirates of the Caribbean: Setup for the Next Movie," because really that's all it was. The action scenes were a almost annoyingly over-the-top and drawn out, and some of it (i.e. the fight scene on the giant wheel from the mill) reminded me of watching a bad Jackie Chan movie. And while some people are undoubtedly going to say that Davy Jones and his barnacle people looked really neat, I think they were entirely too silly-looking to be threatening and would be more fitting as the bad guys in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Not that the undead skeleton pirates from the first movie were realistic, but they are a hell of a lot easier to take seriously than some stupid-looking shellfish men. I mean if I were a pirate in the times of old, and I was confronted with an un-killable skeleton pirate, I would crap my pants with terror. However, if I were confronted with a stupid-looking hermit crab man, I'd shoot him in the face and then have crab legs for dinner. While Barbossa's ship in the first movie was a floating haunted house, Davy Jones's ship in this movie is more of a floating smorgasbord. Plus Barbossa was just a more believable and developed character than Davy Jones. My advice for the third movie is to go back to Barbossa and his skeleton pirates instead of a retarded piece of calamari that plays the piano with its face.
Lastly, there was one minor question that was burning through my mind the entire movie: why is the monkey still undead? All of the pirates affected by the curse in the first movie were turned back to normal men after the last piece of Aztec gold was restored, so why wasn't the curse lifted from the monkey? I hope they explain this in Pirates 3. Until then, here's hoping Kiera Knightley gets naked the next time around.