Waste of money.

Rating: 4/10 (11 July 2006)

BO-ring. It's a 2.5 hours of almost nothing happening.
Now, where to start. There are almost no lead-ins from the first movie to the second, and many things need them, as they clearly affect the lives of many of the main characters. The Kracken (sp?) is a prime example. Huge ship-eating "beasties" don't come out of nowhere. For example, if they're building a Walmart in your area, you probably know about it well ahead of time. Walmarts don't just pop up overnight. Yet I certainly don't recall any mention of it in the first movie. It would be nice to have known of Davy Jones ahead of time, as Sparrow's debt clearly sways his actions and behaviors. The only reason I knew the Black Spot was a terrible sign in pirate lore was from Muppets' Treasure Island (a much more entertaining film, by the way, although strikingly similar plots.. hmmm...).
Speaking of Davy Jones, how does the powder for his guns stay dry during their submarine-like dives? Since this movie probably takes place during the early 1700s, the hayday for Caribbean Pirates, I can say w/ utmost certainty that the technology required to seal wooden barrels so they're watertight hasn't yet been discovered. Granted they somehow found a way, the rate of fire on the three revolving guns is entirely impossible. At the time when the British Navy defeated the Spanish Armada, a British seaman could fire a cannon maybe twice in the course of a minute, and the Brits were some of the fastest in the world. Why not equip his ship w/ German 88s? At least that would be believable.
On another note, I strongly disliked the swordfights in the movie. Nowhere during the "West-Side-Story"-like fighting did I get the impression that anybody was under any threat of dying. This is especially true during the three-way swordfight. It looked much more like they were dancing and prancing around an old Spanish monastery, swinging their shiny swords playfully at one another. The wheel battle doesn't help this conception either. And where did Miss Swan pick up swordplay? Many of these men have trained for years handling swords. Many pirates were even ex-privateers for the British, Spanish, French, or Dutch navies. So it makes no sense that a young woman raised in a respected upperclass family would be able to defeat one cutthroat, bloodthirsty, and most importantly TRAINED pirate, much less a raiding party of them.
Now, what have I forgotten? Oh that's right, character development! Let's start w/ Kiera Knightly's character, Elizabeth Swan. Who does she love? Turner? Sparrow? Both? If Swan wasn't engaged to Will Turner, I would have no problem w/ her sparks for the Captain, but since she's betrothed to our dear old Will, it creates a very soapy atmosphere amidst the Black Pearl. Don't think she's got feelings for Sparrow? Then why does the compass point his way when they're about to dig up the heart? Also, at the very end, she seems at least as, if not more distraught than the very crew of the Black Pearl at loosing their dear old Captian. Will Turner seems very composed. Why the discrepancy? Will Turner is blindly ambitions, far past the point of recklessness. Apparently he's never heard the saying, "Discretion is the better part of valor." What really sealed the deal for me though is when he prepares to board the wrecked ship, the scene leading to the introduction of the Flying Dutchman. Upon being asked what his course of action will be upon encountering an enemy, he replies, "Cut them down." Oh, okay, it's just that easy, huh? That's a fantastic ideal Will, let's just jump on board a notorious ship probably ridden w/ enemies of who knows what kind and hope the skills gained during our non-military background are enough to overcome anything. One Cutlass: 35 Galleons Travelling expenses to Black Pearl: 20 Galleons Reckless Bravery: Arrogance Defeating all that Heaven or Hell, or Davy Jones' Locker can throw at me w/ no training in swordplay: Priceless There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's Hollywood.
I have nothing bad to say about Jack Sparrow's development. Oh wait, except that massive plothole where he became chief of the cannibals. Say, how did you manage to fool them, Jack? What happened there? Maybe it was his strange, perpetually drunk behavior, I don't know, maybe I sneezed during that 10 minute segment and missed everything. And what kind of wood is he tied to? I've never seen a bamboo shoot flex that much before, but I could just be wrong about that. What I find particularly annoying is how the fruit causes him to loose balance. If it slides so easily up and down the shaft, why were the g-forces during his flip not enough to throw them off? Instead, he falls off his perch, throw several bridges, down hundreds of yards, and lands safely on the ground after the pole lodges itself a foot from his head. Nothing, save the grace of God himself, could save you from that fall. Gravity is a powerful thing. Jack Sparrow would've hit the ground w/ such speed (enough to break several wooden boards multiple times) that he would've fractured most the bones in his body (probably many from the wooden bridges) including his back and skull and died on the spot. But where there's a will, there's a... Hollywood. Don't believe me? Do a belly-flopper off the roof of your house. You probably won't die, but you might break some ribs and probably your nose too.
All in all, this was a pretty horrendous excuse for a movie. My 1000 words are up, just a hair over 950.