Depp vs. SquidMan -- Pirates #2 Disappoints Hard.

Rating: 3/10 (5 August 2006)

We were eager to lay down our $7.50 per ticket for the picture most likely to be the #1 hit of 2006. Our seating was perfect, the theater top notch. No cell phone distractions. The problem was the movie itself. No pirate adventure at all, just a silly self-parody with special effects excess. Johnny Depp was downright boring with his rehash of the mannerisms from the first film. There was neither character development nor suspense. There was no fright. In 2006, films can excess at fright, but there is just nothing scary about either a man in a Halloween Squid Man costume, nor in a giant rubber sea monster. The filmmakers give us not one reason to care about what happens to anybody. I like Keira Knightly, a lot, but it takes more than a pretty girl to make a good movie. Sadly, today's young audience may have never seen a good pirate movie. The Sea Hawk, Captain Blood, Blackbeard, Crimson Pirate or Anne of the Indies are seldom revived. Hollywood would not be capable of making another quality pirate movie. They have no stars of the stature of Errol Flynn or Burt Lancaster. Dead Man's Chest wasn't as bad as Peter Jackson's awful King Kong movie, but each in its own way demonstrates why 2005 and 2006 are the worst years in motion picture history in terms of quality. God save us from Pirates #3.