A Disgrace not only to the genre of action/adventure but to film as a whole - time for the masses to actually watch some 'real' films.

Rating: 4/10 (25 May 2007)

Despite not liking the first film and not even seeing the second, I thought I'd try and at least give the latest Pirates of the Caribbean film a chance; even if the odds were stacked against it. As it turned out  try as I might; it would've taken an effort that goes beyond the description of 'mammoth' for me to actually like this film  cinema viewing or no cinema viewing.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is an absolute mess; it's an abomination and an insult to film as a whole. It manages to give the term 'summer blockbuster' a bad name which is, in truth, a new filmic low. The film is loud, over the top, messy, far too 'twisty and turny' and drags on and on and on to the point where you just don't care any more  you literally stop caring as to what's going to happen and this is a shame as the visually spectacular final fight scene is wasted  you can't have a fantastic sandwich if the bread is great but the filling is two weeks out of date.
In Pirates of the Caribbean, (or Pirates 3 as it's also known) we are 'treated' to scenes in which the characters talk about absolutely nothing, people betray and backstab others before forgiving them and making up without so much as an eyebrow flinch and the actual structure of the film for the first two hours at least consists of: 1. Scenes involving Swann (Knightly) and Turner (Bloom) and their romance that seems like it will never happen given their missions in the film; 2. Jack Sparrow's (Depp) seemingly unreal foray into some sort of purgatory in which he acts like he's in a dream state and sees things that are psychically impossible. And, 3; the scenes chopping back to the un-dead sailors that are headed by Davy Jones (Nighy) and their uneasy truce with the British soldiers. First of all, two hours of this formula: '1,2,3; 1,2,3; 1,2,3' tests you  it really, really tests you. It tests your interest, your patience, you ability to even care and very quickly, I found myself completely detached to what was going on.
Second, if all those crabs that carried Sparrow's boat from the desert and into the sea were made to look like they were in his mind, how is it possible for the others stranded on the beach to see it happen? This is an example of Pirates 3 breaking reality and just using the impossible as an excuse to either fill up time, instigate action scenes or crack dumb jokes. Un-dead, fish-like sailors I can take but things like this make you laugh at the film.
This brings me onto the humour. No line of dialogue in this film made me laugh. Quite a few people around me in the cinema laughed but it really wasn't funny  I have to question whether it is me or them that has a problem. I like to think I have a sense of humour but this was really bottom of the barrel stuff. The only time I laughed was when a dwarf fires a musket, can't take the blowback and thus flies backwards. Some others laughed too, but what made me think afterwards was that we were all laughing at someone's disability and inability to do something  like laughing at a guy with really small arms trying to light a cigarette or something.
Other things I hated: Keith Richards' appearance which acted a blatant attempt at a pop-culture reference (I expect about 70% of people watching this film wont even know who he is), the fact the film plays out like a cartoon more than a film, the fact the film can't decide if it's going to include violence or cut away just as something happens, the way Calypso's subplot of being freed was even included (she's not the focus, we don't see enough of her to give a damn) or about the fact a wedding ceremony takes place at the most inconvenient of times.
If you like loud, overblown action sequences that have characters defy gravity  you'll absolutely love the end fight scene but I was just begging for it to end. One last thing: mid way through the film a character says to the other about Sparrow: 'Do you think he plans these things or makes it up as he goes along?' I was thinking the same thing about the screenwriter.