The Summer of Blockbuster Bombs

Rating: 3/10 (26 May 2007)

Just saw the final (hopefully) Pirates film and wow was it a mess. Clocking in at almost three hours, the film is even longer than the second installment and even more confusing when it comes to plot (or lack thereof)
I won't even try to explain what the hell happens - since it's such a jumbled mess that I don't think even the screenwriters knew what they were doing.
For the first hour or so it's a continual stream of characters back-stabbing each other while attempting to rescue Sparrow from Davy Jones Locker where he wound up after being killed by the Kraken in the second film.
Sparrow back-stabs his allies, Turner back-stabs his allies, Swann back-stabs people, there's a sub-plot about the voodoo witch being some sort of sea goddess in human form, something about Davy Jones and the sea goddess having a thing together - like I said - it's a mess.
The final big battle winds up being just two ships - the Pearl against the Dutchman. So much for this big pirate gathering they talk about in the ads.
To add insult to injury - the ending leaves it wide open for a fourth (god help us) with Elizabeth winding up being King of the Pirate clans or some such thing, Orlando is killed by Jones, then stabs Jones' heart - thus becoming the new captain of the Dutchman after his barnacled big daddy cuts out his heart and puts it in the dead man's chest. Not the ending I was expecting - much less the fact that shortly thereafter we're treated to a post-coital moment between Will and Elizabeth as Will ends his one day ashore every ten years thing. I couldn't help but think to myself "Necrophilia in a Disney flick?"
The film has more "endings" than Return of the King, and winds up with Barbosa and Sparrow both heading off to look for the Fountain of Youth....
As I sit here typing, trying to think back to any moments that I thought were good it is all a blur of noise and cannon fire. Can I recommend the film? Well - the SFX were good - but the film itself as other reviews have noted is a bloated, self-indulgent load of excess that will hopefully prove to be the nail in the proverbial coffin.
Unfortunately, this is not the summer of the sequel. So far, of the three sequels that have hit screens, none of them have matched a candle to their original counterparts. The film will still make probably a billion dollars, but that just serves as a sad indicator of how far down the drain Hollywood has gone and simply reinforces the fact that the American movie-going audience are a flock of sheep that will throw their money willingly at any film regardless of how poor it is. I give Pirates 3 3 stars for SFX and that's it. If you MUST see this film, wait for a cheap day or better yet, wait til December and rent it on DVD.