Verbinski, why hast thou forsaken me?

Rating: 1/10 (27 May 2007)

Well, after seeing Pirates II, I didn't think it was possible for III to be any worse.... I was wrong. This is quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen. I understand that some movies are made just for ridiculous, but fun, action sequences and little or no plot line, and you can definitely tell which movies those are, but this one tried to have a decent plot, and failed miserably. Yes, the action sequences were fantastic and full of some of the most ridiculous stunts imaginable, but they in no way saved the horrible attempt at a plot line. With hardly any character development, far less Jack Sparrow than there should have been, the abandonment of the love triangle, the overly-dramatic attempt for an epic, and the complete lack of trying to be at least somewhat historically correct, the writers have caused cinema to reach a new low.
The first problem with the movie is that Jack Sparrow isn't seen for half an hour. Johnny Depp is pretty much what has made the Pirates films. And when you do finally get to see him, he has been downgraded to the status of comic relief, rather than the humorous hero he has played in the past. It is because of this that you actually start to wish that you see less of him. The corny, one-line jokes that just seem to perpetually flow forth from his mouth get old very, very quickly.
The second problem is, of course, the total lack of true interaction between the characters. Most of their speech is devoted to furthering the already failing plot, and the little that is actual development of their relationships is poorly written. Though I hated the idea of the love triangle between Will, Elizabeth, and Jack introduced in Pirates II, I was sad to see them completely abandon that idea, acting almost as though it had never happened.
The main problem that I had with the plot for this film is that it never really settled down. It was either moving forward far too fast for most of the audience to keep up with, or so dead still that half the audience was falling asleep (though the latter was far rarer). Plus the introduction of so many different plot devices and magic just made the story seem so implausible. I mean, I am a firm believer in the willing suspension of disbelief in small doses (such as the amount of disbelief I had to suspend in the first film), but if I was going to actually enjoy this movie, I would have had to have suspended it for almost the entire length of the film, and that's hard to do for near three hours.
And finally, the first film, as far as I know, was pretty much on par in terms of historical accuracy and pirate mythology. That is, it was very true to the era it was based in, and didn't have to add in all sorts of fantastical, magical things to give the film a sense of adventure. The only magic involved was the curse of the medallions. Which, while it may have dominated most of the plot, was rooted in some history and was presented in a plausible way. For that, I can suspend my disbelief. But when they start giving physical manifestations to Davy Jones (granted that was introduced in the second film, but still) and start calling Greek sea-nymphs (Calypso) Pirate goddesses; I'm sorry but I just can't do that. Not to mention them trying to claim that the pirates, as treacherous and murderous as they were, were actually all united under one flag is just ridiculous. No historical value (and very weak story value) whatsoever.
All in all, this film surpassed how terrible I expected it to be so horribly that I am honestly considering walking back to the theater and asking for compensation for the three wasted hours of my life.