Somebody vomited on the whiteboard

Rating: 1/10 (29 March 2015)

The first film was great.
The second film was good.
This film was an abortion.
It was written by nobody who had seen the first two.
The Kraken, which was to be the primary agent of all destruction during the 3rd installment, was disposed of. This was simply INCORRECT. This was the main wheel falling off. This is how this film crashed into the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. It could have survived - almost - all the incredibly tedious derring-do that padded out the rest of it, but not the Kraken. The East-Indo Co. seriously delighted that Davey Jones and his ship are at the lead?? No. That's simply WRONG. You simply got that WRONG. Try again, cos you got it WRONG. It was the KRAKEN they were after, NOT the ship. The KRAKEN. Not SHIP. You got that WRONG. Particularly as Davey Jones would have taken off and held them hostage against his heart. You got it all WRONG.
Then it pads.
Then they pull Calypso out of their rear ends. Along with CG that was so un-defined that at the drive-in none of us could figure out what she exploded into. We had to read somewhere that it was crabs, but on thinking back we still couldn't visually resolve that with what we'd seen.
Then they padded.
Then Keith Richards appears, in one of the few fun parts. He mumbles something incoherent, plays the guitar for a bit, and then some rubbish happens to do with Pieces Of Eight that nobody could be bothered following because it was so stupid.
Then they really got going with the padding.
Then a whirlpool turns up.
Then the cold-blooded bad guy gets killed by Davey Jones, as a pointless afterthought instead of a climactic encounter.
Then lots of stuff blows up because Cannons.
Then they pad.
Then they squeeze in a bit more padding.
Then the dumbest ending in the world is tacked on.
Then the audience leaves, bitter, disappointed and annoyed with themselves for trusting Disney.
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