Too much "Swash", not enough "buckle"

Rating: 4/10 (31 May 2007)

FADE IN: Day. Group Therapy session in progress in nice recovery ward.
MARK: Hi, my name is Mark, and I'm a recovering Pirates film fan.
ALL (Unison): Hello, Mark!
MARK: My first Pirates movie was Curse of the Black Pearl. After that,
I couldn't stop. I read, I devoured, I became a pirate.
THERAPIST: Then tell us when the crash came, Mark...
MARK: It was when I saw At World's End.
ALL (ad-lib agreement): Me, too. Arrrr, Aye, Lad, Me as well, etc.
THERAPIST: Please tell us your story, Mark...
MARK: The first movie blew me so completely away that I knew I would be disappointed by any others they could make. Number 2 made up for its' lack of focus by breaking new ground with special effects. Gore Verbinski is an evil genius, and I don't know of anyone who can come close in effects-related work.
However good the cast and crew of At World's End are, there's no more magic here. The vein has run out in this cave, boys; time to move on. Black Pearl was a huge hit mainly because it was so DIFFERENT. Capitalizing on more of the same ol' DIFFERENTNESS is a recipe for disaster, I don't care who you are. This is something Johnny Depp himself has always stuck to BEFORE, going effortlessly from one character to another in film after film. Here, he's stuck with caricaturing his own performance in Black Pearl, much the same way that Anthony Hopkins has done with Hannibal Lecter after Silence of the Lambs.
Walt Disney didn't believe in sequels, either, and his oft-used mantra of "you can't top pigs with pigs" should have been said by someone in at least one of the script meetings.
You've seen the movie by now. You know what the problem is. It looks like they shot a bunch of scenes, figuring they would fix any problems in "Post", and wrote a script later that tried to tie them all in together, in much the same way that the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride was designed: "we've got this building, it's shaped like THIS, now we've got to fit this scene here, this scene here, etc." The difference between these two is that, while Walt wouldn't let the ride open until it was perfect, this film apparently was rushed into production without a solid story...
CUT TO: Disney SUIT GUY with feet up on desk in office, on phone.
SUIT GUY: "We're revamping Tom Sawyer's Island with Pirates! Yes! In five weeks! Can you guys have the movie out by then? You still there? Hello?"
CUT BACK TO:
MARK: We know these guys can write a smash: they gave us skeletal pirates and cursed treasure, after all.
ALL (Unison): Undead monkey!
MARK: Right! Um, however, that script (or versions of it) was in the works for what? 10 years? I'm trying to remember from the special features on the Black Pearl DVD... At World's End comes off like a term paper written at 7:45 AM on the morning it's due.
Sorry, guys. I wanted to believe. I really did. I just can't. And you know why? Because I like using my imagination. Really. Just like you. Because of that, I don't need every single ounce of backstory you can cram in a story. I don't need to know what every character had for breakfast on Tuesday. I don't need to know every FREAKIN' thing about what made this character or that the way he or she is; it's not important to the main story, and you've thrown it in there just to aid the transitions from one scene to the next.
CUT TO: GEORGE LUCAS is sitting at his desk, playing with a JAR JAR DOLL. He appears startled, looks directly into camera.
GEORGE LUCAS: Who, me? Why are you picking on me? Get out of here!
CUT BACK TO MARK:
MARK: You've also forced us to sit through almost 3 hours of a film that's not based on a sweeping literary epic to begin with.
The first movie gave us scary pirates, did explain why they were how they were, (because it was necessary to the story) and then made fun of them, so it never let you forget you were watching a pirate movie. A FUNNY pirate movie about a scary subject. Harry Potter, anyone?
My solution? Simple. Much as I love Capt. Sparrow and Cmmdr. Verbinsky, Black Pearl was the only movie they should have done together. The next in the series should have had a completely different cast & director. The one after that, another change. Better yet: Get Johnny D to play a completely different pirate rogue in EACH of them, something he'd probably have drooled at, if you'd have offered it to him that way. There's your added spark!
Hmmm...Brenda? Get those guys over at Time Portal Incorporated on the phone...I've got an idea...!
THERAPIST: Mark has just summarized what we've all had to face: Black Pearl was not promoted as a Blockbuster; it seemed to surprise Hollywood when it became one. The other two have been OVER HYPED, rather than just dropped on us, and nothing can live up to those promises. Admit it. You're disappointed. It's okay.
ALL: We're disarrrpointed!
(MUSIC: Acoustic #3 by the Googoo Dolls, underneath)
THERAPIST: I think we've done some good work here. Who wants ice cream?
(MUSIC: UP AND OUT)
FADE OUT