PUKE - don't take your kids to this one! - better yet, stay away altogether

Rating: 1/10 (1 June 2007)

I really liked the first Pirates movie. The second was so-so, but it was clearly a set up for the big finale, so I thought, let's expect the best.
I have not seen a film this bad in a very long time. I kept thinking of the Liz Taylor "Cleopatra" or Cimino's "Heaven's Gate" - massive amounts of money flushed down the toilet (or snorted up someone's nose, which is more likely).
The story starts out strong; the special effects are great. Some of the camera work is superb... but then, there's the dialog - Wretch wretch wretch! People do not speak this way - even video game characters do not speak this way! And not fun at all. And the idiotic CGI; and the terrible film-school student editing - And expecting the big finale? - turns out this is just a build-up to the sequel - What happens to Calypso? Where is the Fountain of Youth? Will what's-her-name and what's-his-face ever get it together in real life? And do I care? Will I ever care again? Absolutely NOT! No plastic cups, no posters, no toys, no nothing - Satan, get thee well behind me.
And Mr. Depp and Mr. Rush - the two major talents wasted in this slop - shame on you.
Finally, a word of warning - Disney Studios has the disgusting gall to market this as a kid's film - do NOT take any children to see this film - Extreme violence; gore; mishmashed paganism; (humorless) dirty jokes; implicit cunnilingus - this is the most wretched display of perverse adult cynicism I have ever seen - and they sell it to children?!
Disney - SHAME! Damnation would be too gentle a curse for pedophilical necrophiles like thproducers of this trash. Walt, returneth and pour fire and brimstone on the heads of your betrayers! Hell hath no mercy - Well, that about sums it up, doesn't it.