Like a lead weight

Rating: 3/10 (22 May 2007)

Here's a film that should carry warnings of deep vein thrombosis. And not only is it l-o-n-g it's boring, at least until the final spectacular battle. Ugly characters who you don't care about pontificate on matters that aren't real in ways that are entirely predictable to anyone who's seen more than a handful of Hollywood blockbusters. Scenes of dialogue drag on and on, occasionally interspersed with a brand of humour that was already overly familiar in the '50s. At least it's all quite good natured I suppose, with less of the mean streak that runs through many Hollywood products. The problem with this movie is that it is determined from the outset to be an EPIC in every way, like its predecessors. Hence everything is bloated, there's no subtlety, no nuances, no gentle wit, no human characters. Nothing matters in it, not even death. I am amazed the writers didn't die of boredom from plugging away at their unfathomable, choppy, leaden script that they were ordered to deliver. It is with weary inevitably that this by-numbers blockbuster will go on to make millions of pounds, perhaps even more than Spider-Man 3, a vastly superior, significantly individual and far fresher film. Pirates of the Caribbean isn't about movie making, it's about money making.