Just god awful

Rating: 1/10 (4 June 2007)

After the tragedy that was Dead Man's Chest I wasn't very hopeful for this instalment either. You know what? I had reasons to be. There are the obvious gripes that it was too drawn out and long but the basic flaws are as follows:
TOO MANY CHARACTERS: Oh look, some new pirate lords we're introduced to. One from France, Spain, India, China, Singapore and Africa. That's great we'll get some interesting banter between them all and they'll be essential to the plot. WRONG. Curiously in the last battle, NONE of these lords do anything but watch! If you're going to bring these characters in, at least give them something to do!
MESSY SCRIPTWRITING: So Will suddenly betrays everyone, just for a chance to save his father, despite the fact he loves Elizabeth...hmmm...I'm sure there's something missing there. Comically Tia Dalma turns into a 50 ft Giant which is something we haven't seen since the the beginning of the 20th Century in B movies. Then she explodes into millions of crabs...why? What does that symbolise? Furthermore, then she doesn't appear at all for the rest of the movie....I was left struggling to comprehend why they bothered in the first place if she was just going to disappear from the film all together...It would have been so much better if she'd taken Davy Jones' body away but hey, that's Hollywood. Sao Feng thinks Elizabeth was Calypso. Was that ever explained? Was it just a ploy to bring her on the ship so he could do wicked things to her? We're never told and then suddenly, everyone seems to know that it's Tia Dalma who's Calypso....what?! The Kraken is mysteriously dead, we're never told how or why. Certainly it's a chilling image but did it have to be killed? Who gave the order? How did they defeat such a massive beast? Nobody knows. The cream of the crop for unbelievability though is how the dog carrying the keys managed to escape from the cannibal island....it just wouldn't happen! I also have another gripe with Ragetti asking why Tia couldn't bring Jack back if she brought Barbossa back. It's like the writers sat down and said, 'we know we messed up in the first movie with that ending but how do we convey it to the audience? I know! Let's just tell them because they'll never figure it out for themselves!'
LACK OF HUMOUR: 1)How many times do we have to listen to that grating joke about sea turtles?! 2) Too many rum jokes. It's only funny if you're actually drinking rum.
I do have to admit that Jack the monkey stole the show though and some of Jack's one liners did provoke a snigger but the film is just too serious for it's own good. Hello? This is Disney!
ACTING: First I shall commend some actors for their fine performances, Geoffrey Rush, Johnny Depp and Jack Davenport. Hats off to you. The rest of them were terrible, shoddy and excruciating.
Visually stunning but as engaging as having a paint watching tournament.