Overlong, over-hyped, overblown, undisciplined mess of a movie. I have never got the Pirates Of The Caribbean phenomenon and I never will

Rating: 5/10 (25 May 2007)

Whip out your cutlass, put on your eye-patches, feed your parrots and fetch up a bottle of Malibu or two. Yes it is that time of year again, the time when I say "Oh god, not this tripe again" and stomach another movie featuring a cesspool of floundering talent awash in the midst of a franchise vehemently sailing way out of control. It is Pirates Of The Caribbean, the most overrated, overlong, over-hyped and damn well irritating movie trilogy since the Star Wars prequels. A throwback to the late 1950s style of TV-counter cinema that said to hell with logic, convention or narrative cohesion, films need to be really long, really grandiose and utterly overblown. And this time, it is the dark side of those pesky pirate dwellers, as the opening scenes of serf hangings suggests a much more mephitic aura to the film. That is, until a certain Johnny Depp turns up.
Continuing much in the same vein as the second instalment of the POTC franchise, At World's End has no plot. Or rather it has 28 different plots, all of which are almost entirely incomprehensible. The first quest of note is the one to rescue Captain Jack Sparrow, last seen tickling the throat of that huge great Kraken at the end of Dead Man's Chest. After they have done that, they must call the Pirate lords from all four corners of the globe, including Captain Barbossa (Rush), Davy Jones (Bill Nighy), Sao Feng (Yun-Fat) and a whole host of culture-clashing pirates. Meanwhile, Lord Cutler Beckett is still searching for Will Turner, Elizabeth Swan and Captain Jack Sparrow, in the hope that he will be able to execute them all himself.
The first Pirates Of The Caribbean was an entertaining mess, the second film was a sporadically enjoyable mess. Third time around it is just a mess. After the film's opening we are introduced to the new bad guy, Sao Fen, played by Chow Yun-Fat. Chow made his name with ultra-violent John Woo actioners, and as he rambles this boring Singapore bad-guy drivel, all I could think was how I wished he would just whip out a Beretta, an Uzi and a pump-handle shotgun and just shoot the hell out of absolutely everything that moves. This is a movie in desperate need of some John Woo-style mayhem. We are then re-acquainted with Captain Jack Sparrow, who appears to have gone bonkers by himself in the land of the dead. We are now treated to the sight of multiple Jack Sparrows all vying for position as the Captain of the black pearl. All the worst since Depp's space jockeying has become completely absurd. Then there's the drawn out love between Elizabeth Swan and Orlando. In fairness to Keira Knightley, she does her best under the circumstances, but Orlando Bloom is just not good enough for a romantic lead. His version of acting is, if you are a bit angry, turn the volume up. If you are a bit said, turn the volume down. But under no circumstances will you stretch your precious face beyond its lovely unwrinkled borders. He is almost transparent for this movie, as the huge concoction of "stuff" that happens all over the screen never allows his weak talents to shine through.
If, like me, you are thoroughly bored with Johnny Depp's gravitationally challenged pirate shtick, the film's only saving grace is the fairly spectacular final ship battle. There are cannons blazing, swords clashing, rain raging down and explosions galore. Yet even this is spoilt by a ridiculous moment of infancy, when Will Turner decides to pop the question to Ms Swan in the middle of a huge sword fight. It is this moment that sums the film up for me. It is too grizzly for young kids, but too infantile for gown-ups. It is almost the money-stroking filmmakers way of saying "to hell with logic, we think its funny, so what?" I have never gotten the fascination the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise. It is ridiculously overlong, woefully directed, badly acted and spectacularly undisciplined. I don't get people's fascination with Johnny Depp's one-joke note performance, made even more insufferable by a self-knowing cameo by Keith Richards as the old drunk's father. I really don't get how Gore Verbinski has become the single most profitable director of our generation grossing well over a billion dollars with his films. I don't doubt that, like the first two, At World's End will take a ridiculous amount of money, and cause a huge wave of Jack Sparrow hysteria. Nor do I doubt that the very same people that were bowled over by the first two movies will embrace At World's End in much the same vein. But as far as I am concerned, this is just not good enough. Not for my summer blockbusters, and not for my pockets. And if people continue to humour Jerry Bruckheimer, by giving him the box office figures he is more than used to, you will not only encourage him to do it again, but you will damage the reputation of all those involved with this mess, but you will encourage them all to do it again. Hollywood will only work as hard as they need to, and a profitable movie is more important to them than art, entertainment, or the movie industry as a whole.