*What* a goddamn stinker!

Rating: 1/10 (2 June 2001)

The trailer for "Pearl Harbor" left me in virtually no doubt that I would love it, weep over it, etc. The opening scene of the movie did nothing to prove me wrong - it's a brilliantly scored, brilliantly shot scene between the two "brothers" who will (unfortunately) become Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck, and a fight with a father who served in World War I, where he saw plenty he wished he hadn't. It's like warning about the movie, really... I didn't take the hint.
The scene left me in no doubt that before the movie was out, I'd have shed many a tear. But when a movie is *so* bad in its first hour or so that you begin wishing the Japs would just *drop the bomb, for god's sake!*, it means one of two things: 1) I have ADD; or 2) Alert, we have a stinker here.
"Pearl Harbor" is "Jerry Bruckheimer: The Clip Show". It's two movies in one, with enough good moments to fit on one hand, in which anyone with slight movie knowledge (and let's face it, the guy only does blockbusters) can recognise such movies as "Crimson Tide", "Armageddon", "Top Gun", and "The Rock". What are the good moments? Alright, I'll list them:
The first scene: loved it. It was a nice turnaround when the kid called the father "German," and the fact that no more violence intervened made it absolutely clear how he felt about that word.
Cuba Gooding Jr.: The best actor in the movie by far, in two of his (not many more) scenes with the captain of his ship. First, he is told the ship is proud of him, and it bounces off his face wonderfully. Then, as the captain dies, he is placed in full command of the ship, but he tells the captain before the last breath "Everyone's where they should be - you trained us great." Loved it. Also, Cuba's face when firing the gun. I swear, against Hartnett and Affleck and anyone else, Hollywood needs more actors like Cuba Gooding Jr. who aren't afraid to expose some real emotion onscreen.
Most of the hospital stuff - very raw, very real. The key moment is when Kate Beckinsale forces herself to take control, and grabs a nervous doctor and says *so* firmly it almost got those tears from me, "Doctor- look at me - what do you need?"
Okay, technically all those won't fit on my hand, but that's about all there is folks. I know I can be really brutal on this movie because if you're taking issue with my words, you'll go and see the movie just to prove me wrong. I wish I had the strength to not go to Summer movies, but y'know, we just have to.
So "Pearl Harbor" absolutely stinks in my opinion. In parts it flows like a really bad soap opera (complete with Patrick Duffy style character resurrections), in parts like a simple compilation of the best of Bruckheimer.
Most striking of all is that in contrast to all the criticism of Hollywood being too "American" regarding historical movies, in this effort, the Americans are presented as a self-pitying, stupid, stuttering, nerve-jangling useless bunch of preppies. All, surely, to build that suspense for the bombing scenes (I'm sure I wasn't the only one who smiled when realisation dawned that *Action's finally approaching!* -- believe me, you *want* the Americans to lay down and die after the first hour). The love story is laughable, the score is mostly good but headachingly repetitive sampling chunks of "The Thin Red Line" and Bruckheimer's other hits, the actors are... well, simply put, the actors are no Tom Cruises or Gene Hackmans or Sean Connery. Bruckheimer has to realise that he has a package that doesn't yield to tinkering. Leave the serious stuff to Spielberg, keep the story, sure, but fill it with decent actors as usual. *Please*!
As to the battle scenes, if that's why you're going - don't bother. I read one magazine saying "you've never seen anything like it" - well, that's a lie, it's all been seen before. The only unique shot is the one you've seen, the POV shot from the bomb going down on Pearl Harbor. Everything else is like a video game. This is *not* the zenith of CGI, that won't happen until a good director uses them to realise a good script. If you can, resist seeing this movie. I'm so pleased that the average user rating on this site is lower than I expected it to be. It shows there's sense in the world. We deserve better than this.