I'm suddenly ashamed to live in this country...

Rating: 1/10 (28 May 2001)

At first, I did not plan to see this movie. However, I ended up watching it on opening day. My expectations weren't low, even though I've been hurt by numerous Bruckheimer-produced failures before (Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, and worst of all, Armageddon). I went in with a LINE of people, filing quietly into a theater that was simply packed. However, even the mounds of hype didn't help me to enjoy this movie. It did not save me when the gaudy camera angles began, the sappy music flooded my ears, and the sh*t-script started spouting itself at my brain. My argument is not necessarily against the actors (who can't help who directs them, nor can they be blamed for the terrifyingly disgusting script), but it is against the script. The dialogue is, in a word, crappy. Frequent one-liners do NOT make a movie good, ever. The main target of the script seemed to make a love story (in a triangle, no doubt). The movie shouldn't have been named Pearl Harbor. Because of the disgusting plot, it should have been something like "Love Harbor" or "Disneyfied Crap". The latter embodies the movie very well, in that the movie was a Disneyed up recreation of overly patriotic views on something real. That isn't to say that the incidents that occurred surrounding the event weren't interesting. As a matter of fact, history is compelling and complex enough, filled with wonderful characters and story elements, that it doesn't need a poorly-written love triangle to motivate it. Whoever had their hands in writing the screenplay should cut them off, and spare us the annoying drivel that we see too often in Bruckheimer/Disney films. Not only did this movie try to make up boring stuff to fill in the gaps between explosions, but it also attempted to alter history. Why are the Japanese so cold and emotionless? Who knows? The only halfway sympathetic one was the admiral. In truth, the Japanese were supposed to give warning to the Americans prior to the assault, and were not aware that they were attacking unprepared targets. Yet, the movie refuses to acknowledge this, even going so far as to have a commanding officer gloating about surprising the sleeping Americans. In an attempt to be patriotic, Pearl Harbor also made the Americans heartless b****rds. No one cares, of course, because we all live in America and want to see ourselves winning all the time. That doesn't mean that it isn't horribly wrong. In the movie, we let the racial slurs fly and blow up Japanese just to blow them up. Never mind the fact that Ben Affleck's character had his as* kicked by the Germans less than an hour in... On, the topic of the explosions, I'm forced to say that I am not impressed. The explosions were actually pretty good, but there were far too few of them. Nothing cool happens until about two thirds of the way through, and then it ends before you want it to. The finale of the film, which does involve explosions, was dull and boring, and by that time I didn't care enough anyway. I was sleepy. And I WASN'T sleepy before the movie had started. The direction was pure Bay. That's not a horrible thing in and of itself, but it was like Bay to the Nth here, and THAT is a bad thing. Every second it was different angle, and each one was either in a contrasting color tone to the previous one, panning quickly, or shaking terribly. Not to mention the hospital scenes involving what looked like a digitally-added blur effect. Who thought of that? It was friggin' retarded. It was poorly-placed and didn't mix well with the rabid intercuts everywhere. And let's not forget the jittery "Cops"-esque following shots. I was surprised whenever I saw a smooth shot of ANYTHING in that theater. Movies are cool, and experimental direction is cool, but only when it doesn't result in me nearly having seizures. The movie was so nauseating, I could barely sit through it with opened eyes. I wanted to vomit, and not just because of the poor performances. The movie is best summed up with the ending, in which Beckinsale's character has to give a voiceover explanation of what you just spent three hours watching. Not only was the character giving the voiceover completely out of place in doing so, but if the movie had actually done its job of expressing anything you'd care about, the voiceover wouldn't be needed. It just seems like Bruckheimer and crew didn't care at all about this film. Instead of telling you a story that you care about, they're trying to tell you that they believe in what they made. Even then, it was a half-effort. Thanks for wasting nine of my dollars, guys. I didn't appreciate it. Then again, after looking at the script, I probably wouldn't have cared either. Don't watch this movie. Unless you're a total friggin' cretin, you won't enjoy it.