I Was Right!

Rating: Null/10 (12 October 2002)

For months, I bashed this movie, insulting anyone who ever claimed to like the movie. This was all in good fun until one of my victims pointed out that I had not actually seen the movie, and was basing my criticisms on reviews I've read. So, I took their advice and saw it myself.
Now I'm forced to apologize. I shouldn't have been insulting people for liking this movie. I should have been stabbing them.
I can see what Michael Bay was thinking when he pitched this film. He watched TITANIC three or four times, and thought, "Hey! I can make that suck!" And in that respect, he succeeded beyond anyone's wildest dreams. The film is exactly like TITANIC, if you just remove the romantic chemistry and replace it with a whiny soap opera, take the gripping human struggle and replace it with over-blown action sequences, and take intriguing actors giving brave performances and replace them with Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, and Kate Beckinsale. The reviews I read all condemned the sugary and unconvincing love story, and rightly so, but nearly all the articles commented on how impressive the Pearl Harbor sequence was. I have to argue. While the special effects were adequate, the scene failed to capture my attention. It dragged on for an unbearable forty minutes, and instead of being enthralled, I was bored. However, at the point when Affleck and Hartnett get into their planes and start shooting down attacking Japanese forces, I wasn't bored. I was angry. That simple action destroyed any credibility that the scene may have created. While TITANIC's heroes performed some heroic deeds, they never saved the day, and when it came down to it, they were just trying to get off the boat alive. The biggest insult in the film, however, would be Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s performance. It can best be described as "brave." You'd have to be brave to compromise your career in such a reckless fashion. His character has no purpose whatsoever. He escapes the kitchen, watches his favorite captain die, then mans the nearest machine gun and shoots down one plane. ONE PLANE. This may have meant something if there weren't about a thousand planes bombing the harbor. Good job, man. You're a true American hero. And what scathing PEARL HARBOR review would be complete without a mention of the complete lack of chemistry between the three leads? The groan-inducing dialogue? The embarassingly inept screenplay? The hideous performance by Jon Voight as FDR? The laughably bad makeup that is used to give him turkey neck? Oh, so many complaints, so little time.
The movie is a gaudy monstrosity, so convinced of it's own importance yet completely oblivious of it's superficiality. One of the worst films of the decade.