Drop a Bomb on This!

Rating: Null/10 (11 June 2001)

From the outset, I will readily admit I went into the screening of PEARL HARBOR with minimal expectations. Mister Bay's previous films were pure popcorn munching, "check-your-brain-at-the-door and watch things go BOOM" summer blockbusters that were not to be taken seriously (The Rock, Con Air, Armageddon, etc). Still, I was not prepared for the 3 hours of utter dreck I sat through. The film is nothing more than the worst "I'm going to war" cliches strung together with wince-worthy dialogue, shot with the sheen of a prettily produced television commercial for cotton, life insurance or oatmeal.
Now, I'm perfectly willing to allow for a certain amount of hokey cornball dialogue in any gung-ho period war flick, but the onslaught of poor line readings of pure cheese was too much for my ears to bear. Affleck turns in a performance that makes use of a rather ridiculous hick accent (as does Hartnett) that is implausible at best. While Affleck has done some decent work (in Good Will Hunting, Boiler Room and Shakespeare in Love), perhaps those shoulders aren't quite wide enough to carry a big, noisy Hollywood offering just yet. Both Affleck and Hartnett seem to be little more than eye-candy for the teenage girls hoping for a TITANIC-like fix. Those pilots sure were pretty, but other than nice haircuts, they don't offer much else. Kate Beckinsdale does do a convincing American accent; if only she had been given lines to read that had been worth repeating.
The "romance" storyline makes TITANIC's look like GONE WITH THE WIND. The highlight of silliness is when two of the characters run into an airplane hangar where scores of parachutes are hanging from the ceiling (had they been freshly dry cleaned?). As the couple lose themselves among the softly hit gauzy cotton parachutes, one chute has handily already been laid on the floor at the center of the room. As the duo fall all over each other, and the streaming parachutes sway gently back and forth, one begins to taste whatever was for lunch earlier that day. The viewer must wade through nearly an hour and a half of such horrible "romantic" muck to get to the actual bombing of Pearl Harbor. Please do not misunderstand me; I do like romantic films (like Bridges of Madison County, Doctor Zhivago, and so on), but most daytime soap operas pull off better storylines and chemistry than the triangle at the center of PEARL HARBOR.
The bombing of Pearl Harbor is done reasonably well, but the impact and the horror of the event is minimal. Squeezing the film into a PG-13 rating must have required the removal of nearly all visible wounds. One character is apparently killed in a bomb blast, but there is no trace of blood, or even dirt on that person's body. Hospital scenes depicting the carnage of the wounded are shot with a blurred, out of focus style that may pass for "the POV of the nurses", but is really just the director trying to remove any unsightly gore that may upset people (and garner an "R" rating). At one point, many soldiers are seen trudging towards the hospital, presumably horribly wounded and suffering. In fact, they more closely resemble a bedraggled team returning from a rugby match, covered in mud and oil.

Articles about this film has skewered the inaccuracies that abound through the film, so I will only mention one. FDR stands up! No canes, no crutches, no podium or table top for support, no handlers at his sides! It truly was the age of miracles! This was a shame, since the makeup for Jon Voight was rather convincing, but this scene shattered any credibility the performance (or film, for that matter) may have had. Actually, it may very well be the funniest film moment of 2001!
In conclusion, I can only say this. PEARL HARBOR may be my most painful film-going experience over the last year and a half. You want war-torn romance, see CASABLANCA. You want gut wrenching war scenes, see SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. You want to spend your movie-going dollar wisely, don't see PEARL HARBOR.