Talk about a bomb

Rating: Null/10 (7 December 2014)

*** This review may contain spoilers *** Pearl Harbor doesn't seem to have been written by a professional screenwriter as much as it seems like a badly written assignment in a sixth grade creative writing class. The student gets an F and is made the stand in the corner.
I am not exactly sure what history book this movie is derived from but if you can believe director Michael Bay and his movie, the events of December 7, 1941 were a premeditated attack on America to force a nurse to fall in love with the wrong guy. I never thought I'd see the day when a movie about That Day of Infamy would supply the Pearl Harbor invasion as a subplot but now I believe (and fear) that anything is possible.
The movie stars Ben Affleck as Rafe an Army pilot and standard issue World War II movie hero who looks good in a uniform and is about as interesting as a five-pound sack of flour. He's not a man loaded with wit and his sentiments invite way too many bad laughs. Such formidable nuggets of banality come in the form of lines like "I'm not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter" and "I almost died in that plane and her face lead me to the ground".
Ug! The face belongs to Evelyn, played with drywall intensity by Kate Beckinsale. She can't decide if she loves Rafe or the equally dunder-headed Danny Walker (John Hartnett), Rafe's best friend. Evelyn is in love with Rafe but when he's reported dead she jumps ship and falls in love with Danny. Rafe comes back, none too happy that this union has taken place and Oh by the way the Japanese suddenly attack Pearl Harbor.
Danny and Rafe put their differences aside and join Jimmy Doolittle's air corps that is going to launch a retaliatory strike on the Japanese. Unfortunately that means that we have the sit through nearly 90 minutes of discussions about who will get Evelyn, what the war means, what America is all about and who is not coming back.
We are also subjected to that time-worn scene where the General addresses his troops on the airstrip by saying "Take a good look at the man next to you, its a good bet that in the next six weeks either you or he will be dead. Everyone brave enough to except this, step forward." Of course EVERYONE steps forward in unison. I'm not a military genius but it seems to me that you'd have to be REALLY brave not to step forward. I'd like just one scene where everyone steps forward and suddenly the guy on the end changes his mind and steps back.
In the meantime, Franklin Roosevelt (Jon Voight) sits in the White House and tries to figure out what to do about this Pearl Harbor business. Voight plays FDR caked under 40 pounds of make-up (20 of it is chin). There isn't much wrong with Voight's performance as the great president except that he plays the role like . . . well like Jon Voight doing and impression of FDR.
Even his dialogue is at the level of driftwood. He offers such priceless lines as "Do not tell me it can't be done!" and "I like sub commanders. They have no time for bulls**t, and neither do I". Apparently he was saving the good stuff for his fireside chats.
Sitting down to watch the film I wondered why the Japanese didn't protest. Having seen the film I now know why: The Japanese have so little screen time in the film that they are mostly played as extras. When they are on screen it's all as a matter of planning and then some pseudo-remorse for what they've done. There is a priceless scene involving the Japanese Generals planning a sea attack with toy boats in a pond.
Then comes the 40 minute climax, lauded as a grand spectacle of special effects as the American air force strike back. The battle is portrayed as a long series of games of chicken in which Ben Affleck shouts at his enemy before coming inches from a head on collision. On the ground Cuba Gooding Jr. goes against an order given by his racist superiors and boards a machine-gun turret and shoots down several enemy planes. Of all the clichés I thought this movie would avoid, the token black guy was one of them.
The historical inaccuracies in Pearl Harbor are endless. There is not a single element that this movie gets right. Oh wait! There is one, the poster's tagline says "December 7th, 1941 . . .It was a Sunday". That one they got right.