My Cat Could Have Done It Better...

Rating: Null/10 (20 June 2001)

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** Oh come on, Pearl Harbor was never going to comfortably sit next to World War II classics such as A Bridge Too Far or even The Great Escape. Lets look at the facts: Producer, Jerry Bruckheimer and director Michael Bay are masters of clichéd, cheesy flicks such as The Rock and Top Gun. Between them, they are responsible for one of the most hilarious films of all time, Armageddon. Whereas we want to believe in Father Christmas, Jerry and Michael actually believe that Bruce Willis can save the world, Ben Affleck can act and that big is always better - face it, Pearl Harbor was doomed from the start.
As America basks in peaceful isolationism, Europe is at war. The faceless, cold and Dr Fumanchu-like Japanese - as Touchstone Pictures would have you believe, are determined to protect their empire against imminent American interventionism at any cost. And so the racial stereotyping ensues. However.

World War Two plays second fiddle to the Sunset Beach-esque love triangle that slowly and uninspiringly dominates the narrative. Rafe McCrawley (Ben Affleck) falls for military nurse Evelyn Johnson (Kate Beckinsale), and they couldn't be happier until he volunteers to go to England and help fight the war. Tragedy strikes and Rafe is killed in action (or so we're lead to believe). Evelyn finds comfort in the arms of his best mate Danny (Josh Hartnett) and guess what, they fall hopelessly in love. But here's the best bit, Rafe isn't dead! No surprises there then and so follows the tale of betrayal, love, jealousy and a really crap musical score.

Oh yes, silly me, I almost forgot to mention that hour in the middle of the film dedicated to dizzying explosions and spectacular ship sinking, courtesy of the 'evil' squadrons of Japanese warplanes launching a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. Although this altered the course of world history, it amazingly leaves our three main characters, plus Cuba Gooding Jr (who clearly just popped over from the set of Men Of Honour to ad lib) and some muddy little ship's dawg, totally unscathed, lucky them eh? Unlucky for us though...
The crazy thing about this huge budget flop is that everything is basically slung together in a very choppy fashion, almost as if the editors were so bored and wanted to make lasties at the local. Whilst the visual effects are phenomenal, I'm afraid that I'm of the 'if you've seen one explosion you've seen 'em all' school. And hence for the best part of an hour, I had to sit through Technicolor flames and strung-out ship sinking, lots of extras hanging onto each other for dear life etc and too be honest it all got a bit boring. However, top marks for Affleck and Hartnett taking to the skies in their Hawaiian shirts to wup-some-Japanese-ass, such heroics, so predictable; oh just one more shot of the victory boys and their flapping Hawaiian attire in the propeller wind, puhleeese?
The film is hellish and whilst the Pearl Harbor bombing may be based on fact the romance is purely fiction, yet dominates the entire narrative. Errr logic? Why not call it Love In War or Three Get Friendly In Hawaii? But hey, why spoil a good story with facts.
Major moan of the day, why couldn't the budget include a bribe for the actors to at least look like they remotely like each? Instead, there is a total lack of chemistry all round. It's like watching a movie where the actors clearly don't want to be there or worse still, were utterly mis-cast. Kate Beckinsale is cold and very dull in her role which I couldn't help but think Nicole Kidman could have pulled off and Affleck sucks, as usual. Even John Voight's FDR is cringe worthy and as for Alec 'tubster' Baldwin's aviation legend Jimmy Doolittle, you've got to be having a laugh. Alec would much rather have been munching pies.
The saviour-of-the-movie award goes to Josh Hartnett. Young, bright and talented he steals the show with his tremendous presence and slightly better lines than Affleck. Plus, he's bloody gorgeous! Warning, if you're going to shed a tear, it'll be over this fella.
As a war movie it fails miserably, as a love story it's boring and predictable but as a comedy-laced cheese fest, it rocks! Like Titanic, Pearl Harbor will probably fall victim to its own crapness and hype. It could have been a lot better and when I thought about it rationally, there was probably no money for a decent script writer, so a crap one wrote the entire script on the back of a postage stamp with a felt tip pen, and I reckon my cat could have done it better.