Close the Garage Door- Start the Car- Suck on the Tail Pipe!

Rating: 1/10 (2 September 2007)

This so-called excuse for film-making was designed for (1) Complete idiots-(2) Democratic Florida voters from the 2000 election (3) Global Warming is Bush's fault believers (4) Any-combination of all three.This movie would additionally impress those folks who spell the word farm EIEIO,live in a community where the entire population shares the same DNA, or think child molesters can and should be rehabilitated with treatment.
I realize that most younger film-goers today are not bothered by issues such as historical accuracy. Most have no clue as to the causes of World War II, or if asked- could not provide a 10 second speech on the issues surrounding the attack of Pearl Harbor(let alone locate Hawaii on a map). A minor detail such as a member of the US Army Air Corps(Affleck)leaving to join a British Eagle Spitfire squadron in early 1941(how gravely unfortunate that the Battle of Britan was in the summer of 1940), only to return from the dead in December of 1941 to Hawaii is beyond imbecility.
Later we are treated to 2/3rds (Danny and Rafe) of our loving sexual threesome generously donating blood in Coke bottles after skillfully shooting down several Japanese planes,and later spending an adventurous evening attempting to rescue the doomed trapped sailors on the capsized Oklahoma.
Once freed from these chores,the audience is further subjected to more weepy, cheesy and pus infected lines of attempted acting between the now knocked-up nurse( Beckinsale) and her former jilted stiff-dick (Affleck).Our two top gun wannabees(who have now kissed and made-up) are then ordered stateside for the Doolittle mission of April 1942. This mission was entirely voluntary- but the two pals just go where they are ordered. Only later is the entire B-25 Doolitle Raiders crew asked to take the one-step forward in dramatic fashion.
Of course the fact that a WWII fighter pilot flew single engine aircraft and never even touched a B-25 to fly in combat 5 months after the Pearl Harbor attack is beside the point.After successfully launching off the Hornet inspired by the leadership the excellently cast Alec Baldwin(the real Jimmy Doolittle would have vomited knowing such a left-wing,unpatriotic social hemorrhoid was portraying him),our dynamic duo crash land in China and get into a firefight with those annoying Japs. Too bad such an event never occurred, but what the heck! Why be so critical and judgmental?
Although poor Danny(Harnett) sadly assumes room temperature in the hand-hand combat fantasy,good old Rafe gets home safely in time to hook-up with the slut nurse Evelyn and raise the bastard child who mirrors a retard on film. If Michael Bay had the time, I am sure he would have had Affleck leave the Army Air Corps and become a Naval Aviator in time to personally avenge Danny's death by destroying the Japanese carrier fleet at Midway which was only a month later. After all, this shell game worked during the Battle of Britan.
Later he could have returned to pilot the Enola Gay for the Hiroshima mission in 1945 after leaving the Navy to once again join the Army Air Corps after a successful combat record after leading paratroopers in on D-Day, firebombing Dresden, Berlin, and probably attempting to assassinate Hitler in a P-51 Mustang strafing raid.
Any fellow veteran who isn't insulted by this trash should get some mental health counseling ASAP at the nearest VA hospital. For the uninformed civilian population, open a history book. Of course, in our modern, diversity driven educational system, your feelings are more important then reality. I wonder if Hollywood ever thought of providing "grief counselors" to the survivors of Pearl Harbor. In the case of this nauseating bile of an attempted movie, I think it would have been appropriate to the surviving viewers of this ridiculous garbage of a film.
For me, I'll place the movie Pearl Harbor alongside my other all-time favorite comedy- G.I. Jane.