Gosh I Love Jennifer Lawrence

Rating: 5/10 (10 April 2018)

Passengers has a brilliant sci-fi premise, solid sci-fi special effects, and brainless sci-fi writing. The hibernation pods preserve a person in suspended animation for decades upon decades but once they turn off you can't turn them on again. It's impossible for them to malfunction accept for the fact that, oh wait, they just did so now I'm awake and stuck all by my lonesome left to die on a spaceship traveling on autopilot to some distant planet in 90 years that I won't see with no crew or captain around because their asleep and nobody else around, except, oh, there is somebody else around, there's actually a bunch of people around so I don't have to be all alone at all because I would just wake a bunch of people up starting with the sleeping beauty Aurora, tell her I did it, and live my life happily ever after with Jennifer Lawrence by my side and the rest of our colony of cool looking passengers. There's absolutely no controversy and zero conflict in doing that, especially if the ship that's in control is going so haywire and I can't fix anything or get back in my hibernation pod or weld through the escape pod doors and it takes 50 years to communicate a message back to earth plus I can't get a decent breakfast or coffee because I'm not a gold pass passenger and the only fun things to do are walk around on the outside of the ship in magnetic space boots and float around in space in space suits and jump on my bed and play dance party video games with no partner and basketball by myself and watch movies with no one and eat sushi and drink liquor by myself and my only buddy is an android bartender that looks and talks exactly like Michael Sheen. I'd be a pretty good free throw shooter but in a heartbeat I could be playing basketball 1 on 1 with Jennifer Lawrence.....yes, pretty sure I'm waking up Jennifer, dude. The passengers all took a risk. Passengers is almost sexy. Jennifer lets her butt out but I can't see it. Jenn's naked body looks like the dark side of the moon. Is a solar eclipse happening? The light on Jenn's butt is dimmer than a dying star. The shadow on Jennifer's glutes is darker than deep space. Lawrence's back is blacker than a black hole. Jennifer Lawrence's booty has less light on it than.....than a sunless galaxy. Ok, look, I love Jennifer Lawrence, and I'm definitely going to buy Passengers on Blu-Ray, but can I please see Jennifer, the hottest girl in the universe's side butt in natural light without all the dark shadowy effects? Gooooosh! Isn't there a sun nearby? I got to see Chris Pratt's butt full on, sexy for the ladies, but not so much for me. I would have given Passengers a 6 if not for all of the awfully cut Lawrence hot scenes, like when she goes swimming in the gravitational pool too, because it would have been way better. It actually would have been awesome.