In Space, No One Can Hear You Vomit

Rating: 3/10 (5 May 2017)

Passengers. It's a movie. About dating. In space.
It reminded me of Red Planet, which isn't surprising, since it's the saddest excuse for science fiction that I've sat through since Red Planet.
This movie wanted so badly to be "Moon", but ended up being a poorly scripted soap opera between two conventionally popular actors with no chemistry. It took itself seriously when it really shouldn't have. I like Red Planet slightly better for being self-aware enough to let Val Kilmer say "Fuck this planet!" and end with a Carrie Moss soliloquy about how she's going to spend some time with the space janitor. Either make a real piece of science fiction or be honest about the fact that you're making schlock.
Pros
1. Ship design was cool.
2. Bartender was most likely a homage to a much better film (The Shining.)
3. I have a new director to hate (Morten Tyldum.)
Cons
1. Chris Pratt.
2. Jennifer Lawrence.
3. The plot.
4. Endless melodrama.
5. Shameful use of Laurence Fishburne in a sad, 10 minute supporting role.
6. Hideous credits music.
7. Unlike Red Planet, it made money.
If Chris Pratt, Jennifer Lawrence and Morten Tyldum each get hit by a flaming bus tomorrow, and die, I still will not believe in god.