Worst Titanic Ever, WTF did I just watch??!!

Rating: 1/10 (16 January 2017)

This review does contain spoilers -

With all those spaceship analogies along the movie, it's impossible not to relate those two romantic stereotypical movies! Except Titanic didn't got the ending so wrong. Passengers begins as a fine movie, and derails real quickly when Chris Pratt discovers how he can wake someone up. Right then and there I couldn't understand why, for the love of what's sacred, wouldn't he wake up someone who could actually help him solve his issue. He had access to everyone files, I'm sure he could figure something out. Oh no, of course the obvious choice is to chose a female, stalk her, and wake her up without she being able to give him consent. What a lame excuse to try and explain it by saying "a man drowning will try to drag someone down with him. It's not pretty but the man was drowning". Seriously, Morpheus? Give me a break!
When they both got out of the ship to do their space bungee jump, that scenario and that music seemed taken out from a very bad Disney movie.
So, Morpheus dies (how convenient him being the third to wake up, a person who knows exactly what to do, right?), they discover what's wrong and go fix it. There's this ridiculous ball of fire they need to take out or the whole spaceship will blow up, and for that, Pratt's character has to go out, hold a door open and die burning while letting the fire get out. Except he doesn't die, cause his suit and a small door he takes as a shield are, apparently, enough to take the heat of a meteorite that almost ended the whole spaceship. And for the romance, right? He gets out of it with only a small hole in his suit and a broken cord. Totally not feasible. Him flying through space, when his cord breaks after fixing the whole thing reminded me of Gravity. The scenes at bar reminded me of The Shining. And that was all that was good with this movie, besides Pratt's and Lawrence's pretty faces.
Then comes his resuscitation. I laughed through the whole scene. First she gets out of the spaceship, floats towards him, and of course she can't reach him cause her cord ends, then, of course, she reaches his cord and pulls him. Then we watch a 138 pounds woman, carrying a 250 pounds man to the robotic infirmary and resuscitating him. I can't describe the absurdity of this scene. He's getting oxygen, while he's taking shots on his legs and neck, while he is getting an electric current to the chest wall. Then he wakes up just fine. Not even a brain damage (obviously).
You think the absurdity is over, but no. 88 years later and he messed up the specimens that were being carried in the ship, I mean, they were obviously there to be used in the planet, or for people to learn stuff, maybe? Whatever it was, it surely wasn't to make a little forest in the ship? I mean, why? How did the mechanic became a biologist who could create the right environment for that? That was just so awful my eyes hurt, there were even birds flying inside, I could not believe I was actually seeing that.
It can be called sci-fi just as much as 10.000 BC can be called historically accurate! Unfortunately that's not how people seem to be taking it. This is gonna be a bad year for movies.