I Prefer Pea Soup

Rating: 5/10 (4 January 2016)

I sat down with my old friend The Exorcist a few days ago in order to gauge the quality of Paranormal Activity against Billy Freidkin's big ol' vomiting, head-spinning, crucifix-violating, scared-me-half- out-of-my-sphincter-control classic.
And.
Although I found the characters believable and the semi-ad-libbed dialogue spot-on, I walked away from Paranormal Activity with a feeling of disappointment and disorientation. I so wanted the movie to be good that I found myself rooting for it (the way I watch Donald Trump being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly and I hope that Trump will be less of a bloviating jackass, but it never happens).
I felt disoriented because I was tracking every frame of the film for something, anything that would add to the tension. Sure, the movie was tense, somewhat suspenseful, but it never lit off, caught fire, made me want to turn away the way The Exorcist or Signs did.
I knew I was in trouble when all I could think about was how blessedly, believably down-to-earthedly wholesomely, curvy-sexy Katie Featherston was. She is such a lovely young woman, with a knack for causing viewers to suspend their disbelief, and I caught myself thinking that, if I were 24, this would be the girl I would want to woo.
Her costar, Micah something (notice how I can't remember his name?) is so annoying and self-absorbed, that the action unfolds with the viewer (me) becoming nicely embedded in the story. What is she doing with this jerk, anyway?
Then back to 57 year old reality, with my dream-girl wife of 22 years, my 20 year old kid, my bills and responsibilities, my pets and having to fight to keep the wood stove lit, and I realize that the human aspect, the adventures of Katie and Micah, are the only parts of Paranormal Activity that work.
Maybe if there had been a bit more of the bump-in-the-hallway stuff to make me want to get up and take a break, I would have enjoyed it more.
Finally, PA made me want to go back and rewatch Apollo 18, a movie I panned. I'm thinking there might be something there with those little rocks sprouting legs. Throw in some "lost" footage of Featherston in a cute little space outfit and . . .
Oh, Lord, I'm such a pig.