Don't Drink the Kool-Aid: Pan Sucks

Rating: 1/10 (22 October 2007)

Pan's Labyrinth (hereafter "Pan") is, perhaps, the most disappointing film I've seen this year. This is so largely because of the sweeping praise the film has received by both critics and the general public. (As of this writing the film is at #47 on IMDb's top 250 list; how tragic).
The film is difficult to categorize because of its strange blend of seemingly incompatible elements. The grotesque violence -- akin to that of gangster films like Goodfellas and The Departed -- is an ill fit for a fantasy film that aims to charm the viewer with ferries and a plot driven by an adolescent girl's interaction with a fantasy world. This really is a film that scatters wartime action scenes amidst Narnia-style childish indulgences. To my ethnocentric American mind, this seems like a tremendous mistake. Does this strange mix work for the rest of the world?
Pan also fails to deliver a visually-appealing viewer experience. Most of the film feels soiled, dark, sticky, and unappealing. This might have worked if the foul scenery of Spain were contrasted with surreal fantasy scenes, but the film misses that boat entirely. The few minutes we spend in fantasy scenes are nearly as dismal as the time we spend engulfed in lackluster forests and a grungy military installation. The fantasy characters, too, are nearly as vile and detestable as the human villains in the film. The movie fails to give the viewer anything to hope for but the closing credits. This seriously inhibits any hope the viewer might have developed for a pleasant outcome for the film's more likable characters.
I concede that the story was not completely contrived and banal. But just because it wasn't familiar doesn't mean it was interesting. Unfortunately, Pan fails to engage the viewer enough that even unpredictable fantasy events can be found exciting. Where's the adventure in the little girl's trials in the labyrinth? Where is the suspense in her escape from the silly underground creature? Why do I find it so difficult to care for the girl's welfare as she is pursued by the evil Captain at the end? It is, of course, because this film is simply mediocre. But its European setting would suggest otherwise to the average American mind.
After watching the film I understand the current surge of film-lust I've seen for Pan. I think the fact that this film sports a more novel, albeit boring, plot than films we commonly see in this country helps some to inflate its better qualities. What would otherwise be considered just good performances are given high accolades. Silly special effects and awful c.g. become passable (seriously people, that frog character and the growing root effects could be generated on my P.C. over lunch). To be honest, I think this film benefited a great deal from its distribution in Spanish: to the starry-eyed American viewer it takes on an exotic feel. If presented in a more average American mode, perhaps its fan-boys would've found this film as empty and unengaging as I did.