Cross Transformers with Godzilla, dilute, torpedo and, voilà, Pacific Rim!

Rating: 3/10 (23 July 2013)

My first reaction after viewing the trailer for Pacific Rim was: What the hell is Guillermo del Toro, the master behind Pan's Labyrinth, doing? My hope upon emerging from the screening is that he is laughing at us while counting his huge pile of money. The alternative, that he is actually proud of this mess, is a little depressing.
No, Pacific Rim doesn't plummet the depths of the torpedoed hulks of Battleship but it doesn't belong on the CV of such a director. Take Transformers, (yes, that Michael Bay, um, epic) cross it with Godzilla (the Roland Emmerich offering – please, god, let Gareth Edwards make it all better with his Godzilla next year), take it down a notch and you'll find Pacific Rim close by.
Sometime in the future, Earth has been attacked, not from space as we all expected, but from the depths. A fissure has opened and great big nasty creatures, known as kaiju, are emerging at regular intervals, trashing cities, killing humans and generally being a bit of a nuisance. Rather than call in the best munitions experts to develop weaponry that will penetrate the kaiju and then explode, somebody somewhere decided it would be better to spend countless billions on building huge transformers, sorry, jaegers, that can engage in hand-to-hand (with some gadgetry) combat, trash cities, kill humans and generally be a nuisance. That's where the sense of Pacific Rim goes AWOL.
When the jaegers fail, washed-up pilot Raleigh Becket (Charlie Hunnam) returns to the military fold to help save the day under the guidance of Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba) and watched by trainee Mako Mori (Rinko Kiluchi).
Like Battleship, the acting warrants no comment other than to say it's adequate and suits the film. Make of that what you will.
If you do pay your hard earned cash to watch Pacific Rim, try to block out the dialogue. There is little hope for a movie when the men tapping out the screenplay (Travis Beacham and Guillermo del Toro) lumber Elba with inspirational speeches that appear to be Braveheart castoffs. Did they really think they could get away with such gems as:
"One: don't you ever touch me again. Two: don't you ever touch me again."
and
"Today we face the monsters that are at our door, today we are cancelling the apocalypse!"
Oh boy. Elba may have boosted his profile with Pacific Rim, but his credibility remains with The Wire and Luther. Fortunately, penciled on his CV are some potentially very impressive films with Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom and The Gunman standing out.
Pacific Rim is visually so cluttered it's difficult to see what is going on much of the time, although perhaps that's a blessing or even a ploy to maximize enjoyment. The ridiculous volume, though not ear-bleedingly horrendous like Dredd, is just painful.
******** PLOT SPOILER ALERT ********
The greatest achievement of Pacific Rim is its attempt to pack in as many movie clichés as possible into 131 minutes: Parent/sibling angst is taken care of; injured party who saves the day is present and correct; comedy duo to lighten the mood? Yup. Just not very funny; 'are they/aren't they dead' scenario? Check; selfless act to save the world blah blah
Oh, and why do they have centres for jaeger creation/launch all around the world instead of just one mother of all missile launch pads next to the fissure from which the monsters emerge?
My head hurts.
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