Kill me now

Rating: 3/10 (16 October 2008)

I'm stunned by the good reviews for this movie. I realize that it wasn't intended for me (a guy), but my wife stood up ninety minutes into this mess, calmly walked to the DVD player, and ejected it without any regrets. Five minutes later it was in the mailer and on its way back to Netflix. She didn't as much as blink. "This movie is horrible," was all she said. Even she found it cloying.
The film begins with an excessively long sequence in which Gerard Butler and Hillary Swank demonstrate the depths of their love by having an extended fight. They yell. They scream. They throw objects at each other. He walks out, then back in. They have sex. They argue some more. I remember glancing at the DVD counter toward the end of this scene and vividly seeing the picture hit the 12 minute mark. "Will this never end?" I asked my wife.
I suppose this sequence was supposed to show the depths of their "love" (somehow demonstrated by minor issues becoming full-blown psychotic episodes). For me, it was just an exercise in patience.
And then, SPOILER ALERT, Butler dies. And through his protracted illness (I'm assuming), he has spent endless hours planning deliveries and letters to assist Swank with the grieving process. It's an interesting idea, but it takes so painfully long to unfold that even my wife lost interest. Swank drifts through a series of scenarios that add little to the plot. She bonds with her girlfriends. She bonds with her mother (Kathy Bates). She bonds with Harry Connick Jr., dates him, and decides they're not a great match.
Next thing you know, we're off to Ireland. Butler's character was Irish and he apparently thinks the best thing he can do for Swank is to hook her up with one of his childhood buddies.
All this is well acted. We'd expect no less. The thing that really grated, however, was how predictable it all was. Every time one of Butler's letters was delivered, some schmaltzy music would arrive and Swank would tear up. And once her girlfriends got into the act, including Lisa Kudrow of Friends fame, it was like someone flipped the melodrama lever and sent this chick flick into overdrive. Everyone gets a letter. It's like this guy had nothing better to do than concoct scenarios that would cause the music to swell and the main characters to tear up.
Kudrow demonstrates the only comic timing I saw in this movie, so I don't have any idea where it got the reputation of being a romantic comedy. This isn't funny, people. It's painful. My wife actually felt insulted that the movie was so pandering.