Horror fans might enjoy it. Personally, I was happy to leave this dreadful experience behind me.

Rating: 1/10 (1 October 2009)

First off, I *hate* horror movies. Not only do I generally detest the celebration of violence - those movies also quite literally bore me to death. So this review might not be exactly biased. I fear that much of what follows applies to horror movies in general rather than this one in particular. Which in a sense makes it unfair to punish this specimen with a 1 out of 10 and at the same time spare all the others. Still, I'll do my best to describe the issues I had with *this* horror movie. And I hereby promise to award each and every similar movie the very same rating, should I be forced to watch it.
Honoring a long-standing tradition in this genre, "Orphan" introduces us into a picture perfect world and acquaints us with a bunch of realistic characters we are supposed to care for and identify with. The aim, of course, is to eventually destroy this world, and ultimately us, as cruelly and completely as possible. And here's already my first complaint with this movie - the introduction drags on forever! I mean how long can you stretch out a plot like "rich family decides to adopt an orphan child"? Do I really want to spend my precious time watching ordinary family life unfold in a snail-like pace? Half an hour into the movie, I start wishing I hadn't drunk that coffee, so at least I'd able to take a decent nap.
But we know something is going to happen. We know, because once in a while, something scary takes place. We might see the husband's face appearing in the mirror, or a random kid passing the screen from right to left. You don't think that's scary? Just make the scene a real quiet one, then hit the audience in the face with a sudden, deafening outburst of sound and you'll see them jump in their seats every time. The oldest trick in the book, but that doesn't keep director Collet-Serra from exercising it on us again and again and again.
Or the revolutionary "approaching camera". We see John from behind, the shaky hand-camera quickly drawing closer and closer, his vulnerable back exposed, the music tensely ascending, now - CUT! - the actor turns around and sees... nothing. Wow. In the end, naturally, there is this persistent villain who just won't die. Which is rather annoying, to say the least, because really, at this point, I am longing to leave this dreadful experience behind me and start doing things more fun. Like that root canal my dentist has been urging me to have.