The Bad Seed remade for the not-so-bright

Rating: 2/10 (30 October 2009)

Bad Seed movies have to walk a thin line in order to work their magic. They have to derive their suspense from the creeping evil of its antagonist. Obviousness turns them into any other slasher killer, but far more ludicrous due to their stature.
In "Orphan," suspense doesn't creep, it slashes, slices, dices, and mutilates with lightning speed, giving little regard to character development and following cribbed story lines that anyone who has seen a handful of movies will see telegraphed like a beacon.
The writing is beyond slovenly --- the protagonists (Farmiga and Saarsgard --- Farmiga reprising the role of the hysterical bad seed mom from "Joshua," to ill effect here; Saarsgard looking bored out of his mind) are such boneheads that they have sex in the kitchen with their kids in the house, leave firearms lying around in under-secured locations, and drive 90 miles an hour down icy roads while chatting on their cell phones.
The titular orphan isn't much more believable. She should be wearing a ghost face or Mike Myers mask or a goalie mask --- it would suit her character far better. Psychos this psycho just aren't scary without a little more style in their stalk.
Oh, but there is that BIG SECRET!!! WOW! Actually folks, it's not a secret, it's what writers do when they've written themselves into a corner or don't want to look like too blatant a plagiarizer: they invent some dumb-a** totally implausible explanation at the last minute.
This big-budget Warner production has fix-up job plastered all over it, like it was some foreign garage-sale production they bought for cheap and tried to doll up like an underage hooker --- but only someone who hadn't seen a horror picture before (or was under 13 --- more than likely the target audience) could keep their attention during this one.
If you want to have a few questions in your head to keep your brain functioning, try "Joshua" --- it's realistic, creepy, and doesn't outline every plot point for you in black-light ink 40 feet high. Oohhh, that black light...CREEPY!!