Awful Orphan!

Rating: 2/10 (10 February 2010)

I just had the displeasure of watching one of the crappiest "horror" films of last year and can only say how relieved I am that I didn't pay to see "Orphan" (2009) in a movie theatre. Yes I know that sounds a little extreme but this movie has got me so annoyed with it's laziness, bad plotting and lame acting. When these dumb Hollywood Horrors are costing millions of dollars to produce and market there should be no excuses for making a film that is so inept.
"Orphan" tells the story of a smug rich American couple who decide to buy themselves a new child to replace the daughter they lost in an accident. Oops, sorry! I meant adopt a child! Of course, being blessed with the intelligence of a couple of dead fish, said couple decide to adopt the creepiest, scariest freak-child this side of Wednesday Adams and hope that she fits in with their other two (relatively normal) kids. They also choose to avoid all warning signs that this 9 year old girl is some kind of a disturbed psychopath. The warning signs include the head nun at the convent they adopted this Russian girl from coming round and telling them point blank that she is worried there is something very wrong with the girl (Esther). And that her previous adopted family died in a house fire caused by an unknown arsonist. And that people constantly die or get injured whenever Esther is around. And so on. If this isn't enough to warn you that maybe you should reconsider leaving your children alone with this Devil Child, then I don't know what is!
Of course, all this is one of the many reasons why this ridiculous movie quite simply does not work. The gaps in logic are so extreme "Orphan" makes the plotting in "Eastenders" seem realistic. The characters do not behave in the manner of real people. Right from the start, how can the scriptwriters expect us to believe that a mentally unstable alcoholic (the mother) would be allowed to even consider adopting a third child?? It just doesn't make sense. Add to this, the appalling acting from Isabelle Fuhrman with her ever changing accent and the most hilarious plot twist this side of "Tootsie" and you gotta admit, this orphan should have been aborted before it was even born.