Plague! Famine! Cholera! Santa Tortured On screen! 666!

Rating: 1/10 (20 April 2008)

If you've heard of "Once," you know it got great reviews. I'm here to tell you that those reviewers were on the payroll of a multinational corporation with a devious plan for separating you from your money.
What is "Once," really? Plague! Famine! Cholera! Santa Tortured On screen! 666! Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but, I've got to tell you, given that I just watched "Once," I wish I had watched Santa Claus tortured on screen, and I *love* Santa Claus, and am firmly opposed to torture, in most instances. I'd make an exception for the makers of this film.
"Once" is the story of a middle-aged, potato-faced Irishman with transparent eyebrows and buggy eyes who lives with his father, can't sustain a relationship, and whines/shouts  in lieu of a singing voice -- embarrassingly sophomoric, self-absorbed, simply bad singer-songwriter confessionals on Dublin sidewalks. Every lyric in this movie could have been copied, without editing, from the diary of that androgynous kid you knew in high school who had skin like a girl and who cried, but who was actually a guy. Lonely girls would think he was the most sensitive, special boy on the planet, because he stood on the sidelines during gym class, but he was actually a jerk.
The male man character  he has no name  giving characters names is so Hollywood! -- picks up a Czech girl who looks about 12. The actress was 17. The Irish guy was 36. If that's attractive to you, chances are you are an aging singer-songwriter looking for a teen girl who can really understand you and your deep, sensitive heart. Think that they might make a film about a 36 year old MALE potato-faced Irish singer-songwriter with transparent eyebrows who picks up a 36 year old FEMALE potato-faced Irish singer-songwriter? Naïve you.
The Czech girl mutters and slurs  she's trying to do a Czech accent. The actress, who was born in the Czech Republic, actually grew up in Ireland, and cannot imitate a genuine Czech accent  that's why she mutters and slurs. One would think that an ability to produce a Czech accent would be the entry level skill for the part of a Czech girl with a Czech accent. The director said that many viewers told him that they didn't care that they could not understand the dialogue. He thought that they were complimenting him.
Given the pointless, dreary, poorly lit, shaky images, the director was a toddler to whose diaper a camera had been strapped. Let us hope that this innovation is not picked up by other filmmakers.
Nothing else happens. The guy with the transparent eyebrows shouts out self-absorbed singer songwriter songs about how hard and painful his life is and how sensitive his heart is. The teenage girl slurs her words and is the on-camera teenage girl desired by a man twenty years her senior. The characters use the "F" word repeatedly. AND THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENS. I'm so moved, it was all so poignant, I think I'm going to go puke.