European Vacations for Free

Rating: 1/10 (7 October 2005)

The best swindle that goes on in this movie is the one behind the scenes. Not only do the cast and crew con the studio out of paying them salaries for a movie that makes PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE look like a masterpiece but they get free trips to Europe as well. To top that they release the movie and con people into buying tickets. Sweet.
Everything that can go wrong here does. Bad writing. Inept direction. The most annoying musical score since THE HOURS. Actors who seem bored and don't even attempt characterizations.
Somehow the costume director and cinematographer didn't get the message that they weren't supposed to work too hard. The film is very well costumed and has good camera work.
This is a sequel to OCEAN'S ELEVEN and presumes that the viewer saw that movie last night. I could only remember about half of the characters and many of them for the wrong reasons. George Clooney for being the ringleader. Don Cheadle for that dreadful attempt at a Cockney accent. The Asian guy for being Asian. Brad Pitt for being Brad Pitt. Elliot Gould for a bad haircut. Carl Reiner for being bald. The other five were just there.
The first movie very carefully built up the characterizations and gave motivation for the big robbery. Here the characters are rounded up like cattle and thrown together, and these fine actors simply deserve better.
The story literally skips all over the place. Various locations in the United States. Several cities in Europe. Of course that gave the actors more stops on their vacations, so it's understandable. It's just confusing for the viewer.
The first movie's downfall was going on two minutes too long. If they had ended with the scenes in front of the fountains it would have been a classic in the genre. By tacking on the scene with George Clooney and Julia Roberts getting together at the end it ended on a flat note.
This one goes to the bad early on in the game. And Julia Roberts is subjected to a plot twist (don't worry, no spoilers if you want to see it) that is probably the stupidest one ever seen on film. It was so stupid that I do hope the director released Julia's mother from the dungeon when she finished filming it.
One of the worst moments in this involves a, well, dance number that's part of one of the heists. It's done in a room being constantly being swept by lasers in a random pattern. Let me repeat that: RANDOM pattern. What we see is interesting but your brain is telling you, sorry, this won't work. Not if the lasers are in a truly random pattern.
Hopefully this one was bad enough that we'll be spared an OCEAN'S THIRTEEN, unless they want to have Jason Voorhes slaughter the cast, the writer, the director, and especially the composer on screen. I'd pay $7 to see that right now.