a scientific point of view

Rating: 1/10 (31 October 2007)

I work for a research team who conduct top secret experiments for a government in Great Britain (obviously for security reasons I cannot disclose which Government). The subjects of our experiments are pretty much whatever the hell we decide to do and for our most recent experiment we decided to test the effects of a Soderberg film on the common household chimpanzee.
We decided a mother and child would be best and we selected the most maternal chimpanzee we had. We sat both chimps down and played oceans 13 on the monitor. During the first fifteen minutes they proceeded to defecate and throw faecal matter at the monitor, so far pretty standard behaviour for a chimpanzee and indeed any human being forced to watch the same movie, however as we reached the hour mark the infant defecated again but this time he proceeded to smear the monkey chocolate into his own eyes.
As we approached the 3 and a half hour mark the mother seemed to completely flip and started to bash the monitor as hard as she could which was unfortunate as she was using her child to hit it, over and over she pounded that little chimp into the screen until there was nothing left but a mass of blood, glass and little baby monkey pulp, it was a truly horrendous sight and I was reduced to tears (I had paid a fortune for that monitor, it was HD and everything). Suddenly the mother let out a bloodcurdling screech and dropped dead.
During the autopsy we discovered that all the major organs seemed fine except for the heart which was visibly broken leading to the conclusion that a mother would rather club her child to death than sit through oceans 13 regardless of how unbearable the loss of a child is.
Delighted with our results we decided to try some human testing and selected two male subjects both with the same IQ. Subject A was locked in a room and forced to watch Oceans 13 while subject B was locked in a room with nothing but a plain white wall to stare at.
Shortly after the movie began subject A was smearing his own leavings over the monitor exactly like the chimps. After the 5 hour running time had finished we conducted tests on both subjects, we took blood samples and discovered that subject A's blood contained 75% more boredom than subject B's and whilst subject B's IQ remained the same subject A's IQ had dropped by 50% thus proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that watching a Steven Soderberg film does in fact make you dumber.
On a side note, 3 months after the experiment subject A was diagnosed with aids. We are not saying that you can catch aids by watching Oceans 13 but if you absolutely must watch it then please be careful.