Almost a good Kutcher film, but no cigar.

Rating: 5/10 (23 January 2011)

Mitch Hansch/ movieswithmitch.com
Now close your eyes. Imagine planning the perfect romantic night at home for your love. They come home to a spic and span house/apartment that you've meticulously cleaned all day. Those pecan scented candles they love are everywhere even though you have a minor allergy. A sensual CD mix of Neil Diamond and Lil' Wayne nobody thought would ever work but does plays as he or she follows the trail of rose petals leading to the kitchen where a seven course meal of everything they desire the most is waiting for them, finishing with that Warm Chocolate Chip Lava Cookie Maple Butter Blondie they had at that fancy restaurant that one time that blew their friggen mind! You can't believe how perfect the night has gone. They've got that look in their eye like they're going to do that thing to your ear that you've only read about in books but first your loved one requests a romantic movie to clinch the night before you retire to the bedroom. You reply, "one step ahead of you my love. I bought "Just Married" for us to watch" (she or he shakes their head no). No worries I also got "My Boss's Daughter" just in case. No? O.K., what about "What Happens in Vegas", or "Valentine's Day", or "Killers" (all angry no's as your mate grabs the car keys and says they and the kids will be staying with their mother for a while.
You blew it! That's what you get for shopping in the bargain bin.
Sorry I had to paint such a long illustration but it's important to know how the most perfect of efforts can be spoiled by one big mistake. In this case, the Kutcher mistake. Fair to say I'm not a big fan of his screen efforts. I'd rather be Scott Bakula's Dr. Sam Beckett from a "Quantum Leap" episode stuck as a roadie at the Lilith Fair than watch his movie marathon. Oh boy. But each effort deserves a fresh slate of honest criticism and alas, Kutcher does rise...as much as he can rise in "No Strings Attached." His performance here is the most sweet and effective I've seen him, really making you feel for the bugger. Don't want to give a back handed compliment but you play better when you have better to play with and he's never had as good as Natalie Portman to play with (pun intended) (no disrespect Katherine Heigl...o.k. a little disrespect).
Kutcher plays the overly sweet Adam who's an assistant for a High School Musical/ Glee type show but is really an aspiring writer and Portman plays Emma the self-professed emotional peanut-like allergic to relationships who's a doctor that works 80-hour weeks. Adam and Emma have been running into each other off and on for the past 15 years and when attraction erupts they agree to be nothing more than friends with benefits, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Will they amount to more than just sex friends? Of course they will because Elizabeth Meriwether's first time screenplay is as formulaic as it gets. You know how it's going to play out from the beginning. "No Strings Attached" is a film that tries to go outside of the box with its crass dialog but it doesn't hold a dirty erotic dripping on the chest melting candle a la "Body of Evidence" to a Judd Apatow script which it desperately wants to be. Meriwether's script also suffers from overstaying its welcome on a honest, funny, or touching moment; not trusting the audience's intelligence. At the helm here is famed Ghostbusters's and Dave's director Ivan Reitman, who is just as much to blame for this. Rietman, who has more blunders than triumphs as the director, fails to take the opportunity to give this generation a relevant twist on the rom-com.
Supporting characters do go along way. Kevin Kline, Greta Gerwig, Jake M. Johnson, and Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges add a lot of comedic touches. I especially liked Lake Bell's nerdy timid performance as Adam's boss a great deal. But the real praise goes to Natalie Portman. Coming off of her Golden Globe win and probable Oscar win for "Black Swan", Portman takes to raunchy comedy in a way that we've rarely see her. Portman lights up the screen in a hilarious and sexy way, extending her incredible range as one of the most bankable actresses in the business.
With that said, I still can't recommend a film laden with all its obvious contrivances and missteps. Add "No Strings Attached" to the bargain bin of romantic night don't's.
Add "this" to the bargain bin of romantic night don't's. Proverbs 5:17-23