Disney's Finest Crap for the Kiddies - I hope Harvey picked up a nice check, at least

Rating: 3/10 (8 May 2005)

Wake up! This is a kid's movie made with an adult budget and at least four A-list actors. On that level it's fine; my 10 year old daughter has seen it twice and loves it, but then she's at an age when something like this seems complex and clever, like Nancy Drew on steroids. Grownups should look elsewhere...but apparently many of them like it just fine here. That just flat out amazes me.
Why, why, why so many raves on IMDb for this overlong, incredibly derivative and mind-numbingly mediocre movie? I especially like all the comments by people who say "I'm not a Nicholas Cage fan but I really liked him in this." Well, I AM a Nicholas Cage fan and he isn't even trying here (which means he's still better than most living actors). See him in "Matchstick Men" to get an idea of what he's capable of, circa 2004. Similarly amusing are all the "Best since Raiders of the Lost Ark" notes. Believe me, this doesn't belong on the same planet with that classic. The Brendan Frasier "The Mummy" is vastly better than this and great fun for Indy fans, while somehow not ripping him off, at least not egregiously. Too scary for most kiddies, though.
Maybe it's just fun to watch top flight actors like Harvey K. and Jon V. go slumming like this. Maybe that's it. But I was ready for some fresh air after the first 40 minutes - and there were another 91 to go. Yawn.
Oh yeah: Diane Kruger is very, very pretty and can act to boot. Generally I tend to side with Marianne Faithful, one of the world's famous blonds herself, who once said that "All blonds are the same." Diane is a powerful exception; it would be nice to see her in something worth my time. If not my car.