The great detective Poirot is back... and will make you yawn

Rating: 4/10 (3 February 2018)

I'd like to start with a long rant on how Johnny Depp hasn't been cool or relevant since the end of the 1990's and how his current popularity feels totally undeserved.
But I'll save your time - this time at least - and just mention that his screen time in "Murder on the Orient Express" is very limited indeed. Don't watch it mainly for him.
Yes, Depp plays the character who is central to the story, and the promotional materials concentrate very much on him, but this is something of a hoax. Just watch the trailer and you have gotten the best of him in this.
The producers are just desperate to make the project look relevant, because the movie itself is not that good. In fact, it kind of sucks.
I know, it looks like it's gonna be good. There's an impressive band of actors involved, and the costumes and set-design look delicious. But I will save you some time, 105 minutes in fact, and tell you right now that it's not worth the time.
"Murder" is big budget moviemaking at its laziest and most soul-less. I like how it all looks visually, and finale ain't actually half bad - especially compared to the rest - but there's nothing to write home about, as they say.
But let's make a feeble attempt to begin at the beginning, shall we? The great detective Hercule Poirot is back, this time played by Kenneth Branagh who also directed the joint.
The story takes places mostly on or around the titular train, and it's based on a famous novel by Agatha Christie, first published in 1934. I was suprised to learn from IMDb that, so far, it's only the sixth screen adaptation of the classic.
I usually find movies based on classic literature, Shakespeare or otherwise, boring, but Branagh sure likes them a lot. His last work as a director was 2015's "Cinderella", and now this. How refreshing was to see him try his hand in modern mainstream fare such as directing the first "Thor" or the latest "Jack Ryan"... but now it's back to the literature.
"Murder" is Branagh's attempt to introduce Christie and Poirot to blockbuster generation, and he has chosen to do it in the form of a christmas movie, or something in the vicinity of. Fairy tale for adults, if you like.
The visual side is cute indeed, bearing resemblance to Martin Scorsese's "Hugo" and Robert Zemeckis's "The Polar Express" and maybe the first "Harry Potter". Almost everything happens on the train, so the scope is not too epic. It's actually still more suitable for a (tele)play than a big-budget movie, if you ask me.
Too bad the result concentrates on looking like something straight outta classic Coca-Cola christmas ad, rather than offering, say, witty dialogue or storytelling. Because once the yummy visuals wear off, you may notice how shallow and frankly boring the movie actually is.
Yes, there's a rather impressive cast involved, including Judi Dench, Michelle Pfeiffer and Willem Dafoe, among others, but the ony character with any cinematic heft or meat on bones is Poirot played by Branagh.
He's got enough conviction to act himself through the shallow material, so his hero may have at least something resembling depth or three-dimensionality.
All the others are there just to collect a paycheck, or to oogle their eyes at Depp, maybe. If you've seen the promo materials including the cast recollecting their favorite "Depp moments" on set, you'd probably agree with me.
I don't hate, but also don't "get" the Poirot's moustache choice. What's the point of looking like having just escaped from a Dr. Seuss movie, especially "The Lorax"?