Semi-successful but visually impressive.

Rating: 6/10 (11 November 2017)

When I first heard of this new adaptation, there were two things that came up to me: why do we need an another take on the world's most famous murder case after two successful adaptations, and why in god's name Branagh wants to put himself in the shoes of David Suchet, THE Poirot incarnation in most people's minds. It's a losing battle almost by default, like comparing the bland Kate Middleton to the glamorous superstar that was Lady Diana. But anyway, I decided to give the poor guy a chance to impress me and maybe,do a decent job. This proved to be a false hope from the moment I was confronted with that monstrosity right in the middle of his face, which was so distracting that you couldn't concentrate on the talking whenever his face was in focus, which is quite often. Here, he's trying to solve a murder case in a compartment of the luxurious transcontinental train Orient Express, and each and every one of the title characters seem to have a motif for murder.
There are-to be fair-a couple of novelties Branagh brought to the character and the film itself- his version of Poirot (while equally impeccably dressed), has a sense of humour that Suchet was lacking, which occasionally borders on slapstick. The opening plot is completely irrelevant for the main story save for the fact that it was obviously used merely as an excuse to enchant us with Poirot's little petty obsessions and his little gray zellz. Also, in the breakfast scenes we can see Branagh visibly enjoying the role which reassures the viewer that this movie just might be worth the while. The new Poirot is also much more romantic than his predecessor and not afraid to show it (if talking to a photo qualifies as affection). Ultimately, the new sleuth is in a much better shape and doesn't need Hastings to chase a suspect down a dangerously fragile railway bridge. But. Branagh (doing double-duty both as the main character and director) assembled a whole galaxy of superstars to embody the suspects (in the former version, only Jessica Chastain was a known name). What works great on paper proved tricky on film, since there are too many suspects for the director to give each one enough screen time to seduce us with their personalities.
Instead, we get just a taste of the immense talent with which the famous train is loaded, and many act merely as prototypes instead as full-fledged characters. While Michelle Pfeiffer uses every opportunity to shine as the flirtatious Mrs Hubbard, someone as charismatic as Judi Dench is reduced to a grumpy princess Dragomiroff who isn't doing a lot of talking but alas, a lot of dog-fondling. This might just be the single biggest issue of this reiteration of Agatha Christie's novel: all those A-list actors are underemployed in the whole scheme of the script. Johnny Depp, of course, plays the shady victim, and Penelope Cruz doesn't really impress as Pilar Estravados, a character borrowed from "Hercule Poirot's Christmas". There are some factual misinterpretations: Vinkovci, in Yugoslavia, where the murder takes place, is in the continental part of the country which happens to be as flat as a chess board, and the scenery in the movie rather resembles the Alps.
Other than that, the redeeming qualities of the whole undertaking are the gloriously executed production design: the glamorous Art Deco interiors, the stylish costumes and the breathtaking panoramic vistas of the surrounding scenery. Details from the train are the icing on this semi-successful cake: the table settings, the white tablecloths and decorative lights, the lavish armchairs and the delicious desserts delivered by waiters in white suits. If there's one thing you'll take away from all this, no matter if you liked the film or not, it will be the urge to take a train ride to anywhere at the earliest opportunity. And that might be a success in itself.