Makes Adam Sandler's Murder Mystery look Oscar-worthy

Rating: 1/10 (3 November 2019)

I was really looking forward to this movie, thinking it would be an intriguing and atmospheric period piece mystery. With all those big name actors, it had to be, right? Not even a minute into this movie and I already knew I was wrong, dead wrong. Was this supposed to be a comedy? Seriously, how was this movie ever made, or worse, allowed to be released? It felt like a cheap Pink Panther knock-off, with all the subtlety and acting prowess of an SNL skit, and honestly that probably would have more deep and meaningful than the abomination we are instead delivered. Branaugh's acting is so pathetic it's amazing he didn't get banned from ever acting again. What is with that accent? And the French is so bad that even an elementary school French class could point out the many many mistakes. For example, Michelle Pfeiffer's character says "c'est de rien" and it translates underneath as "it's nothing" which is the literal translation sure but carries none of the context (it actually means thank you). I think my favorite part was when he says "n'est pas de probleme" and then it has English subtitles on the screen that say "it's no problem." If your target audience is so stupid that you literally need to translate something that basic for them, maybe Agatha Christie isn't the right material for you.
So many other things wrong with it I don't even know where to start. The CGI is a joke, which makes me wonder what drugs some of these other reviewers were on who claimed it was good in any way. It's beyond fake. The train scenes look like something out of a children's Christmas fantasy movie. There's even a scene where Depp and Branaugh are sitting on the moving train and the background doesn't even change for like ten whole minutes. They use the same fake backdrop for the entire scene, without even bothering to add any movement or anything. It's so amateur it makes me angry that these people still have jobs.
Plot-wise, it gets is even worse. There are so many holes and inconsistencies and downright ludicrous things that it's impossible to even follow the storyline no matter how hard you try. For example, a lightning strike causes an avalanche (I haven't read the novel so forgive me if that was part of the actual story; either way, it's beyond ridiculous). They are supposed to have just left Istanbul that day yet they are somehow in the middle of the Alps and also in an impossiblly high, remote snow-covered peak like something out of game of thrones, and yet noone is wearing any winter jackets and none of them ever seem to be cold at all? The doctor went to school in England yet has an American accent? The Judi Dench woman is Russian yet speaks perfect English and has no Russian accent? The Jerusalem townspeople are all gathered around wearing various culturally inappropriate garbs and listening to some foreign detective ranting rather than their own officials, one of whom is a black man despite it being Israel in 1934?
I don't want to use the race of the actors as reason to criticize the historical accuracy of this film, but my God, they butchered the time and place so badly it was worse than 300. The first few minutes of the movie is some of the most racist, stereotypical Orientalist garbage ever put to screen. And ironically enough, the movie then goes on to hammer a supposed anti-racist message into our skills as if we need to be lectured, when they're the ones parading people around in culturally misappropriated costumes and constantly pointing out the race of all their characters, some of whom it feels distinctly clear were only chosen because of their race in the first place. The oblivious hypocrisy is not only annoying it's downright offensive.
This kind of stupidity is tolerable in a comedy movie, where it's intentional, like say, a Jack Black movie. However, here it's just inappropriate and embarrassing. Even the Jack Black of this movie (Josh Gad) is a pale parody of the real thing. And sadly he delivers what is arguably the best performance out of the whole cast.
It's so abysmal you'll be wishing that the train plummeted off the tracks and killed everyone involved. It would be a much more interesting and satisfying mystery than the one we are left with.