Beautiful colours, beautiful costumes, gorgeous cinematography, and a helluva lot of funny accents.

Rating: 6/10 (13 December 2017)

This movie pulls you in for its colours and costumes. Everything is great to look at: the movie succeeds because of its world-building. For the whole 114 minutes I was drawn in: not so much by the intrigue and mystery, oddly, but its aesthetic. (Really, I think this is true of most movies and books: if we already know the plot, don't we re-read books like Lord of the Rings just to walk in Middle Earth once again?) So, A+ for aesthetic. I liked living in this world for 114 minutes, it's rich: one of the characters even comments on it, saying something like, "Don't you just love it? All these people in cramped conditions, with the gentle rocking of the train."
Where the film falls is the acting. Despite all of his Shakespearean adaptations (his version of Hamlet being one of the best I've seen, what-what) Kenneth Branagh is not a great actor, and his Franco-Belgian accent makes his dialogue hard to comprehend sometimes. And Branagh threw in a bit of virtue-signalling, with all the commentary of race. (Take that, Trump!)
But Branagh's not the only one with funny accents, oh no-no, there are funny accents to be found throughout. I don't know any of the cast, but no one's especially great except for William Defoe, Judi Dench, and Sir Derek Jacobi (gotta put that "sir" in there). Nevertheless, Defoe alternates between bad German and bad Brooklynite and Judi Dench and Derek Jacobi speak in voices as well. I don't know. I felt at times I was watching a kid's show.
And, honestly, I find the plot wanting as well. Whoa, calm yourself: I know the movie's an adaptation and Agatha Christie is revered worldwide: but, spoilers: getting, what was it: 12 people to agree to kill someone is, and let's be honest now: contrived. Yes, yes, the passengers all had a good motive (they were stabbing Johnny Depp to death, teehee,) but really. It makes me think of that ancient Chinese myth about the monks who kill someone by each taking a bite of the person. They do this because if each monk takes a bite then no one can say who the murderer really is: but guys, that was a myth. Fantasy. No matter how heinous Depp's "victim" character was, it's incredulous to think that so many people would come together to aid in the person's killing: and then go on to lead normal lives. (Yes, Poirot frees them all. Shame. They *murdered* someone: a criminal who was bound to be "whacked" in due time anyway.)
That said, "Murder" is a welcome change of pace from the drivel that is killing cinemas. It establishes its world very well, but I'm not sure if its one I'll return to see.