What the hell?

Rating: 1/10 (29 January 2009)

*May contain spoilers*
Did I miss something? Why has everyone got such a boner for this movie?
I feel like the director has just stolen my wallet, given me the finger and slapped my mum in the face. Only the wallet stands for 2 and a half hours of my life, the finger is a metaphor for the bitter disappointment I feel at being led on to believe I would enjoy this waste of time and as for slapping my mum in the face? Well that's just my mind interpreting the similar shock and dissatisfaction she must feel at sitting through the whole stupid thing with me. That's what watching this movie is like: metaphor after metaphor, symbol after symbol. You don't even find out that four fifths of the movie was clumsily representing something else until you've watched so much of it that it's too late to turn back. You grip your sweaty hands together hoping that this mess is going to make ANY kind of sense before it finishes and....no. It doesn't. OK, so everyone is saying you have to watch it twice, thrice, four times a winner. WHY THE SHIZZ would I watch it again? I've already lost 150 minutes of my time on this earth to it! All you fans are admitting that there is no right or wrong answer, that the film is open to anyone's interpretation. But what is the point in a movie that doesn't mean anything? I realise to some people it does: Diane basically dreams an idealised variation on her relationship and life with Camilla before she caps herself because she's actually mad and full of guilt over having her killed or something. Why go to all that trouble in the first place? This would have been a perfectly good film if there really were mobsters who try to kill an actress in order to get their own star in the leading role, she gets amnesia, becomes a lezzer with some other actress and they go on wacky adventures around Hollywood trying to figure out who she is. Instead Mr Lynch throws all that away with the cop out explanation that "Ohh, it was all a dream...woooo" and instead we are left with some crazy bint and her weird fantasy. It reminds me of From Dusk Till Dawn, a great fugitive movie until the really poor vampire costumes come out. In short - terrible movie. You can point out the marvellous cinematography, the awesome use of colours and the interesting way that dialogue is realistic/unrealistic in various places. Whatever. I don't care how well made this film is, and I will admit that; it was well made or I wouldn't have bothered to sit through the first 30 minutes. Lynch might be a great director but he's a pointless story teller. He has nothing to say in this film. What is his idea for this narrative? "There's this crazy lady... 'Kay, and, she's crazy so she kills her girlfriend. Then she kills herself. And there's titties." ...Please. Spare me the boredom. This movie should come with a warning label - Probable Waste of Time.