A real review, from an actual movie buff.

Rating: 2/10 (8 June 2018)

Ever been to a lecture of that overtly fervent English professor who analyzes every single word of a poem when your common sense tells you that it is the most abhorrent load of crap you can ever read? That is what most of these other reviews are analogous to.
A movie with a promising beginning, no matter how somber or bleak it might be, sets the foundations at the right corners. I, a mere foolish mortal, anticipated it to be a gripping tale of crime, thriller, and mystery. With the incessant plot and chronology changes, the film looses it's glitz and becomes lackluster. It doesn't make me question my sanity but off those who really call this movie remarkable. With so many undeveloped plot lines, character development, and continuity crises dismissed as a figment of imagination, it feels like Lynch is kicking the audience in the gut with the boot he and his fellow cabal of esoteric film reviewers call art.
Don't get me wrong, I love non-linear films. I absolutely adore genuine masterpieces of the arduous genre like Pulp Fiction, Primer, Triangle etc. What separates this abominable movie from the legends, or even the mediocre is that every minute of the film is essential to build up the climax which assuages our grey matter with adrenaline. If you cut out half of the reel, this movie will still make the exact sense, i.e. no sense at all.
My request to anyone who is looking forward to witness this mind-numbing atrocity is to not be deluded by pseudo-intellectual reviews proclaiming how 'brilliant' this kick in the nuts is. They have no real educational qualifications or aptitude and want to feel what being an erudite feels like by joining a small little circle of nincompoop intelligentsia lauding Mulholland Drive as an artistic venture when it really is an eye gouging experience what the viewer has to endure and validate because of social pressure enshrouding it.