Probably the worst Hollywood film I've ever seen

Rating: 1/10 (25 March 2005)

Don't buy into whatever anyone tells you about this film, don't let it be said it is a "masterpiece" - films don't come more pretentious and self obsessed. For a start, the acting was unbelievably appalling - i felt like i was watching a sunset beach rerun, where they had no other way of conveying emotions rather than saying "i feel xyz" or "my god i totally get that". Whenever the plot broke down into a sludgefest, they'd try and overcompensate with heavy breathing, at every second of silence. There wasn't a lot of silence either though - in an attempt to cover up the complete lack of suspense, or atmosphere, clichéd background music ripped from every horror and thriller of the last fifty years would play over everything. The dialogue was uninspired, and overused - "i guess they aren't in" - and lo and behold the door opens. Gratuitous nudity was the only was to cover up a plethora of untalented actors and actresses - though to give them some credit Lynch somehow managed to create characters that make the Mr Men seem more 3D. The plot was awful - I've seen plots with holes in them - but never the thinly covered self gratifying rubbish that mulholland drive subjects the hapless viewer to. You can say all you like about abstraction, surrealism, but i'm afraid you simply can't defend characters like "the cowboy" and that ridiculous ogre - they have no purpose other than to sustain Lynch's ego. The ending was rushed, and even when you do "get" the film, its embarrassingly crap, and you want 140 minutes of your life back. Seriously, if you want surreal and abstract, watch Art-house films. If you want good time shifts in Hollywood, look no further than something like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If you want to see the same actors playing different characters, changing faces - Vanilla Sky did it well enough. If you want Lesbianism, download some porn. If you want entertainment, don't watch this self-indulgent pile of crap.