Here's why David Lynch is a bad director

Rating: 3/10 (24 March 2007)

My review for this movie is the same for every other Lynch movie I've seen (and like a masochistic fool who doesn't know when to quit, I have seen many). As Roger Ebert wrote, Lynch's work is "sophomoric satire and cheap shots. The director is either denying the strength of his material or trying to defuse it by pretending it's all part of a campy in-joke."
I used to have a friend who couldn't carry a tune. Once in a while he would try, and immediately we would all start laughing at him. At that point, my friend would deliberately start singing off key, as if to say, "uh, I MEANT to sound bad!" This is David Lynch syndrome. His plots are often juvenile & simplistic, and his dialogue is goofy. But then--afraid of his audience laughing at him--he deliberately takes a satirical, sarcastic tone of film-making. It's as if to say, "uh, I MEANT for that scene to look ridiculous." Next he hides behind supercilious gimmickry like symbolism. Sure, symbolism is cool (that's why I love Kurosawa), but symbolism without substance is just babble. Back to the analogy of my musically-challenged friend, this is like hiding his poor singing skills behind a lot of big arm gestures and fancy footwork.
In Mullholland Drive he weaves a web of such convoluted symbolism that many people are dazzled like deer in the headlights. But don't be fooled folks. My advice to you is the same as my advice to the deer: RUN.
So enough already. Davy boy, please get the tongue-out-of-cheek, drop the schlock and give us a serious, genuine effort. Sure, some people will laugh at you. Some people will call you juvenile and silly. But that doesn't matter. What *does* matter is how confidently you can express yourself. Listen to Bob Dylan sing. Watch Arnold Schwartzenegger speak. These people sound awful; yet they present themselves with enough confidence (lack of sarcasm & cynicism) that we, the audience, must admire them for their authenticity.
When you learn that simple lesson, Davy boy, then you will have graduated to the level of "artist". Until then, you're just a kid with a camera, trying to be something he isn't.
Now to all you people who love Lynch because he's weird & different & non-Hollywood. I agree, he is. But why stop at Lynch? Go all the way. Check out the films of Godard, Kobayashi, Fellini, or (as much as I personally hate him) Peter Greenaway. And I highly recommend the early films of Jeunet/Caro like "Bunker of the Last Gunshots" or "City of Lost Children". These are films that are weird without TRYING to be weird. Know what I mean? Explore! If you really want to leave Hollywood, don't stop at Pasedena. Go all the way.