Mulan is mildly diverting for adults and cynically appropriate for kids, but it desperately needs a jollier tune.

Rating: Null/10 (15 December 1998)

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."
Yep, it's that old animated chestnut. This time it's 12th century China and wild-eyed loon Shan-Yu (Miguel Ferrer), the ruthless leader of the Huns, has started to invade all and sundry. The Emperor (Pat Morita) makes a law stating that one man from each family in China must serve in the Imperial Army, and dispatches his snarky assistant Chi Fu (James Hong) with the words: "One man may be the difference between victory and defeat."
Cue our heroine. Her pa, an old war veteran, can't quite cut it against evil Shan-You and his ugly cronies. So, enter clumsy daughter, Mulan (Ming-Na Wen), who takes up arms, pretends to be a geezer, changes her name to Ping (better than Pong), falls for a dashing captain and wins the hearts of the nation. All, as Phil Collins would wail, against the odds.
Mulan has more than a passing similarity to the animated Magic Sword released this summer, but it's not as witty and the songs are even worse. We are spared the statutory farmyard animals, hens, pigs et al singing along with the pretty heroine a la Beauty and The Beast. However, we are subjected to some of the dreariest array of saccharine-coated drivel this side of Boyzone. Beginning with the mournful I Will Never Pass For A Perfect Bride, a quasi Circle of Life lament that even Sir John would balk at, matters descend so rapidly that even Donny Osmond (who last featured in the turgid 1982 TV movie The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch) turns up warbling for the one-dimensional hero, Shang (B.D. Wong).
So, what are we left with? Well, plenty of cowboy references. Mulan seems to have been brought up in what appears to be a Chinese Dodge City, where grandma utters, "who spit in HER beancurd." Disney has also thrown in every stock Chinese emblem/symbol they could muster without ever really achieving any notable depth.
The characters are extremely familiar. The idiotic soldiers led by gruff Yao (Fierstein) are reminiscent of the Roman legionnaires in Asterix and work reasonably well. However, the comic moments come courtesy of Eddie Murphy's dragon, Mushu. Reeking of Robin Williams' genie in Aladdin, Murphy obviously receives the best lines: "Look at those Huns they popped out of the snow like daisies." Disney will no doubt make a pretty bob out of the marketing of this creature, but it still falls disappointingly short.
What about the actual animation? Well, there's some creepy, mystic, computer generated imagery and magical gimmickry going on, but ultimately there's only one avalanche scene that truly dominates.
Mulan is mildly diverting for adults and cynically appropriate for kids, but it desperately needs a jollier tune. Perhaps, Monty Python's I Like Chinese. Then again, maybe not.