More like Mr. & Mrs. Crappy Movie

Rating: 3/10 (15 February 2006)

I'd like to make something perfectly clear. Mr. & Mrs. Smith is not a good movie. DO NOT be fooled by comments along the line of, "it wasn't that bad." It is that bad. In fact it's worse.
It's not exactly an action movie and it's not exactly a comedy. It's a slow moving, "not funny enough to be a comedy but not action packed enough to be an action movie. Taking elements from different genres can work well, and apparently it can be a disaster of Hindenburgian proportions. There's a blimp exploding and it says "Mr. & Mrs. Smith."
The first half hour of the movie is played straight. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are married, but unhappy. It's never explained exactly why they're unhappy, so I was left to assume that the problems stem from the fact that Angelina Jolie is undoubtedly out of her mind. There's nothing in the movie to suggest this, but I saw her make out with her brother on TV. The unhappiness they feel in their marriage makes them stop having sex, which is the first of many very unbelievable things that happen. If you're going to make a silly movie about spies that are married to each other, for the love of God don't make it serious. The plot for this movie is played completely straight, the only "jokes" are the zippy one-liners they say to each other as they try to kill each other with machine guns.
After the first half hour we find out that both Brad and Angelina are both highly trained, and apparently highly paid assassins. This information comes a half hour too late for those of us that saw the trailer for the movie, or the poster for the movie, or had any idea what the movie was about. Perhaps there were some deaf blind people in the theater that were taken by surprise, but everyone that wasn't named Hellen Keller was forced to sit through a half hour knowing exactly what was going to happen. Not long after the audience is shown that they are assassins they find out for themselves and try to kill each other for about an hour. Then they team up for the last half hour. At the end of the film, well not to give anything away, but there is no ending the movie just kind of stops. There's no twist in the last five minutes there's no resolution, it just stops. I mention this only to let you know that there is no reason to see this movie after having watched the trailer.
It's not necessarily the director's fault that the entire plot of the film was given away in the trailer, but even if it wasn't, the movie wouldn't have been much better. The plot of the film still would have lumbered along like an opium addled dinosaur drinking molasses, and the movie still would have been PG-13.
A few f-bombs, nudity, violence or any combination of the three would have made this film infinitely more enjoyable. Unfortunately in a PG-13 film none of this was possible. I mourn the death of the rated R action movie, but even if Mr. & Mrs. Smith couldn't be Die Hard it could have at least been as entertaining as Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. As it stands there is not one redeeming quality to this piece of crap film. Seriously, don't waste your time.